'Twas the week before Christmas...

...and it's a little crazy.

We got a call Friday morning from my surgeon requesting that we come in early. So we got up, showered, and off we went. It was a harrowing trip. I drove, since my husband is from Florida, and he freaks out a bit at crazy snowy roads... I talked with the lady at the surgeons and the main road to the hospital was closed so she told us to go up a different one, which wasn't actually an exit... We are not familiar with Capitol Hill, so we over shot where we should have got off and ended up south of downtown, driving through icky, icy streets back toward Capitol Hill. Miraculously, we made it...ON TIME. I couldn't believe it. My blood pressure was through the roof. So we checked in, I got the IV put in me. I HATE IV's, they freak me out like nobody's business. When I was twelve (the last time I had surgery) a doctor tried to put an IV in me- it took him NINE tries. It was a smidge traumatic to say the least. But I survived. I went into surgery around noon and was in for 3 hours. Marty got a little worried- they told us about an hour and a half to two hours- but apparently, I have "tough skin." Huh. And my gall bladder was positioned a little weird- but now...it's gone. It took me a bit to wake up- and I was pretty sick when I did (no gory details- but Marty was amazed) then they got me on my feet and kicked me out into the snow. One of the nurses gave us a less treacherous route home and the Florida boy did very well even though he was very nervous. We made it home- I was sick...again. And then settled in for a very uncomfortable night. The weekend was a lot of me lying around, feeling nauseous in a drug induced stupor. Poor Mickey couldn't understand why he couldn't lay on my tummy- I mean, I was RIGHT THERE. After a couple of calls to the nurses, they pulled me off the narcotics (I can't believe people take that stuff on PURPOSE, yikes) and as of yesterday- I think the anesthesia finally worked itself out of my system and now I feel a bit more normal. I might even try a baked yam...ooooh. See the excitement my life has been reduced to?

In addition to all that fun, we've had a major winter storm for Seattle. As of yesterday morning, there was about 10-11 inches on top of ice. Joy. Marty has made a couple of treks to the store and the library and out to take pictures. He is at work this morning- good thing- he was about climbing the walls yesterday. I, myself, am hoping we can get out of the house for the Christmas festivities we have planned or I will also be climbing the walls.

We are not sure when it happened, sometime between Saturday mid-day and Monday afternoon (when most of the snow was happening) someone tried to steal the jeep. Yep. Merry Christmas. Our parking space is in a well-lit spot on a main drag, but someone jimmied the lock and tried to boost it. They didn't succeed, but now we need to get it fixed. What a pain. Poor Marty- he has had to deal with ALL the crap this week. He's AWESOME. So that's all the news fit to print.

We're hoping to make it to the 5pm service tomorrow- although it's supposed to snow tonight- but I am off narcotics so...

We wish you and yours a VERY Merry Christmas full of the peace of God.

I know, I know.....

....it's been almost a kabillion years since I last blogged. : )

Okay- a wee exaggeration, but it's been awhile. I've been way too busy. We got all three Christmas touring shows up and the mainstage and they all look lovely. I'm very tired, but I survived. The only fallout of it all is a TON of laundry and I'm feeling unmotivated to work- I'm sure it's due to burnout. Sadly, not working isn't an option. So I muddle along and do the best I can. I am currently designing Gee's Bend and Tuesdays with Morrie (at only 2 costumes, this is currently my FAVORITE show) I bought a new serger for the shop this week and will give it a test drive today. I have a lovely intern from Turkey, and the timing is great. She is helping me do the "December clean and purge." I plan to take the week of Christmas off, for the most part, so I am quite looking forward to that.

My health? Well, some of my "faithful readers" (har, har) probably already know I had a serious gall bladder attack that put me in urgent care the day before Thanksgiving. For the most part I feel pretty well. I watch what I eat, and when I don't, I pay the price. I ate a couple of Christmas cookies last night and feel a bit "eh" today as a result. I will meet with a surgeon for a follow-up appointment on Monday. Now that I know what a gall bladder attack is...I've been actually been having them on and off since 1999. So maybe it's time to get that pesky thing out. The downside is there is no good time for me to take off from work (other than the week of Christmas) but you know what? That's just too darn bad. The upside? No holiday weight gain. I've lost about 5-6 pounds and have cruised there for a week or two. Nice.

On the spiritual front....well, we did some art for the Christmas Taize services. I'm still a bit frustrated with church. But hopefully, there is a discussion with the "powers that be" that can work some of that out. It's been interesting. A few months back I was praying and I felt that God told me He was going to "position me" in a place that I wouldn't be comfortable, that I would meet resistance because it would go against tradition and I would feel not equipped, but I am. I was not thrilled at the prospect, but I know better than to argue. : ) I just told God that "YOU are gonna have to drive this bus." So I have been waiting.

I thought it would have to do with the prayer ministry, but it doesn't seem to be happening. In fact, I feel pretty disconnected with the prayer life of the church. I hear different things than the other intercessors and I pray a different way anyway. I don't know. I love the intercessors, and I think they are "hearing" and praying and are totally on track. I'm the one not tracking. And I just don't have much patience for "polite" prayer. I pray like I talk. And I like to make war with the devil- because I know I am on the winning side. So...all that to say- I think what God was telling me a few months ago had nothing to do with prayer. Some things have happenened in the past week or so that lead me to believe God is working on some stuff regarding "Leadership." (Cue dramatic music here) I feel like it surrounds me and is in my face at church and at work. What is good leadership? What does a good leader look like? How do they operate? I really think God has taught me A LOT this year about leadership. It's been interesting. I've read books, I've gone to seminars (at my old church, there were so many "leaders" I often wondered who was following) but this year....I don't know. I've learned a lot through experience and observation. Good and bad. I think the best book I've read on the subject is called "The Leadership Paradox" by a guy from YWAM. I think I might need to re-read it....again. It's all about the leadership of Jesus. It has some cheesy "example" stories of Jesus's ministry at the start of each chapter- but once you get past that- it's GOOD STUFF. So, I dont' know where all that will lead...if anywhere. But I am trying to be tuned in.

In other news- while we've missed the community of the Christmas Musical- I have not missed the time commitment and we are enjoying Christmas in Seattle. We've seen You Can't Take It With You at the Rep, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers at the 5th, The Lost Dogs in Concert (awesome) and The Black Nativity at the Intiman (if you haven't been, get your butt there! I am beginning to think I need to go to a black church.....) I feel a bit worn out- but I am happy to enjoy the season. We've seen the Christmas lights downtown and I think we have found the winner of our neighborhood's "Wacktastic Holiday Light Contest." It's on 81st, about 1/2 block west of Fremont, if you would like to see it. Trust me, you'll know which one it is.

So that's all the news fit to print. Next week is also packed pretty full. We'll see how it goes. I have no idea how or when the gall bladder thing will play out. I'll try and be a better blogger in the future and keep y'all posted.

May you enjoy rest and peace in the midst of the insanity of the season.

What a week....

It's been quite a week.
We have the first black president-elect EVER. Wow. I am still convinced that if there was a lot more prayin' and a lot less complainin' in this country- things would look MUCH different. I've known since about Christmas that Obama would be president. Just one of those gut things. And while I don't agree on all of his policies, and I certainly do not think he can "save" our country- I am committed to praying for him...as I would have been for McCain if he had won. Here's the thing- Obama is a MAN. Just a man. There is only one savior. I was telling a friend today that I am concerned with the idolatry surrounding Obama. He is a politician. That is what he does. He does it particularly well since he has convinced most people that he isn't a politician. I expect he will do some good things, and probably some bad things. Good decisions and bad decisions, he is, after all, only human. I pray he surrounds himself with people wiser than he to hold him accountable and give him advice. I pray that he listens. I pray that he prays. I suspect, with the state of our country being what it is- he will find himself on his knees quite often. I am intrigued to see how it all plays out. I pray for my deeply republican friends, near and far, that they can lay down their preconceived notions of what will happen, pray and trust that God is bigger than any government or person. Matthew 23: 9-11 has been in my heart these past few days- don't know what it is? Go look it up, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a Bible. : )

Work is insane. Christmas tech is a week and a half away. Fittings have not gone as well as I would like. We're behind, too much to do, too few to do it. By the grace of God.....

And most importantly...the loss of a child. How devastating. My dear, dear friends- Jen and Rick Hubbell lost their youngest child this week. Nathan was due to be born this week and was stillborn on Monday night. I do not know the details and understandably- the family isn't ready to talk yet, and I honor that. But I am in prayer without ceasing for them. My heart is broken, I can't imagine the pain. I sat and cried for a long time Monday night when I found out. How anyone could not value any kind of life....I just don't understand. If you are the praying kind- please pray for Jen, Rick and their children Bekah, Palmer and Carleigh. The ways of God are mysterious to say the least. His ways, not our ways, His thoughts- not our thoughts. I rest in that- knowing that no matter how hard I try- I really am incapable of understanding.

Today, I feel sad...and expectant...and tired...and stressed...it's been a week. And heaven help me, it's only Wednesday.

Warfare

That's what it feels like. I am in a whirlwind of spiritual warfare. Many people may not know what I am talking about, or what I am feeling, or may attribute it to stress or hormones, or whatever. They can poo-poo it all they like. But I know what it is. I know that the devil has always had a keen dislike for me. I know that he knows all the buttons he can push with me, all the things that hurt me the most- and dang skippy- he's shootin' with both barrels at the moment.

Work is stressful (when isn't it?) - there is just too much to do and not quite enough manpower to do it.

I am heading up a major outreach at church this week that is FINALLY starting to "click" into place. (Thank you God!) And I am sure that the devil isn't doing the happy dance about that.

He is attacking those nearest and dearest to my heart- friends, family...people I truly love. He is trying to isolate and divide, and at the moment, the lies are working. Frustration mounts. Disappointment and disillusionment and unforgiveness reign. I can feel that isolation and division trying to creep into my own heart- and while I resist, I don't really know what to do about it. I have faith that there is victory- but I do not know what that journey to victory looks like at the moment, and I am ever so weary.

And through it all, through the confusion, through the pain, through the frustration. I press in and I pray. And I KNOW that the devil DEFINITELY is NOT doing the happy dance about that.
Friends tell me to "Trust God." And on a deep level, I do, I really do. But I could really use a boost of encouragement to the deep, deep places that only God knows about- a breakthrough in the bone-deep sorrows I carry that only He knows about. But instead, I see the arrows of the enemy flying around me- hitting their marks- and no matter how much I pray....
But having done all, I will stand, and I will hope, because the alternative is unacceptable.

Simple life....

Yeah. Right. I wish!!! How is it, that when we want to make life simpler, things get more crazy? I know I am not the only one feeling this. It seems to be in every arena of my life at the moment.

At home, things are breaking right and left... What the heck? From little things, like small family heirloom knick-knacks that only matter sentimentally...to the toaster....to the CAR! And of course, we have some savings, but in these wibbly times with Christmas coming, we are trying to be prudent and wise....

In the nation...well, yikes. Of course, I can't help thinking that the disaster that is the economy is just reaping the greed, selfishness and arrogance that was sowed...however, it's not just the perpetrators that are reaping, but some of us along the way that tried to live smart. I keep hoping that our country will get an attitude adjustment and some perspective on what really matters and that mass consumerism is not the answer to happiness. And entitlement is not a given- ooooh, the arrogance and entitlement I see just chaps my fanny!!!
Then the election! UGH. It makes me crazy! I am getting hate mail from everyone down south about Obama, and getting hate mail from everyone up here about McCain. It is RIDICULOUS. I don't like EITHER ONE of them. I don't feel comfortable about someone who hasn't even served a full term in the senate thinking that qualifies him to run the country in one of the most difficult times in history (who knows, maybe he can) and I don't feel comfortable about someone who seems to be having some sort of belated mid-life crisis and is running amuck in his campaign- seemingly operating out of his emotions. And all the media bruhaha spreading lies and confusing things...come on. Really?
But in it all I choose to trust God. That He is working all things for good- in the economy (remember, He disciplines those he loves) and in politics...ok, I confess, I am having a harder time with that one....but I CHOOSE to trust Him anyhow.

And the church....wow. I don't know what to think there. There's all this talk of "simple church" and change, and quite frankly, things seem to be getting more complicated and nothing actually seems to be changing. It's wearing me out a bit, and it's discouraging. There are some wonderful folks in our congregation, but it's as if everyone thinks someone else will volunteer or serve. Now, I know this is not a unique problem, but still... it's frustrating when you are trying to plan an event. And I've really been thinking a lot about accountability and integrity- which makes me not want to say too much here, because there are things that I am still working through and praying about. I just don't know. Perhaps it's just an issue of having different values than others.

I am also trying to get ready for Trunk-or-Treat and for the Christmas Bazaar at church- the goal- 80-100 ornaments- I've done 60. So, in addition to everything, I am madly trying to make things as well. I think I am on crack.

At work, well...it's CHRISTMAS. And 95% of the 3 touring shows and mainstage show needs to be done by November 17th! By the grace of God, we'll make it and I am sure it will all be fabulous, but holy cow. This constant breakneck pace....oy! Speaking of which, I have scads of laundry and ironing and mending to do today...I had best get to it. How I long for the simple life....

Accountability

I was reading on the "Between Journey" blog today about how someone held Jeff accountable for the fact that he's been pushing the spiritual gifting seminars without giving anyone any info about it. Good for her! You go girl! That is really hard to do- on both ends. It got me thinking a bit about accountability- especially in this time where the economy is going willy nilly because of the supreme LACK of accountability...SEE PEOPLE?! When there is no accountability, things go willy nilly and sometimes, the consequences are dire and quite painful.

It's just so interesting to me. I feel like what God is having me "work on" in the past bit 'o' time is that whole accountability thing. Not only for myself (I try really hard to do what I say I will, I usually do, but sometimes...it's a bit later than I would like to) but...and this is the terribly hard part for me, for others. I feel like God is calling me to "speak up" and hold others accountable. To me, this is...terrifying. I can do it, but usually I wait until I feel backed up against a wall, and then I get all emotional- usually not about the issue at hand, but about the fact that I have to BRING IT UP...it is very, very stressful to me. Especially in dealing with someone who might be considered an authority figure. Seriously, it FREAKS ME OUT. I really believe in honoring authority- and have had some bad teaching taking that concept to the extreme, as in "honoring authority" means NEVER questioning it- even when leadership is running amuck. I am still unlearning this, and I think it contributes to the stress. But I am getting more and more convinced that a lack of accountability is wreaking havoc in our society. It's more obvious in the economical and political arenas, but it's pretty bad everywhere else too.
I am starting small. I told the children at the Northwest Church that I would hold them accountable for passing out invites to Trunk-or-Treat. I put it in plain terms. I told them,"I will come back and make sure you did what you said you would, because if you didn't, what does that mean?"
And they told me the truth. "It means we lied."
Yikes.

ROBBED!

Yep. That's me. I've been robbed. The Secret Garden Bookstore just called me to inform me that someone walked off with a piece of my art. Apparently, this has never happened before. They will pay me for the piece and I suspect the Ballard Newspaper will be giving me a call....but...I've been robbed. It makes me feel...strange.

Just more evidence we live in a fallen world.

I think the piece that was stolen ("B" is for Butterfly) wasn't that expensive- maybe around $50-60....so you would think someone could afford it...but no...

I have to confess that my experience with this particular show hasn't been the best. They wanted me for the artwalk, but weren't actually OPEN for the artwalk...and then this. They are very kind and wonderful people- they are horrified and feel terrible about what happened. It's not them at all. And I just keep hearing "extend grace." That's what I heard when I found out that they wouldn't be open for the artwalk, "extend grace." And "extend grace" is what I hear now. They offered to take down my stuff and return it to me, but I told them it wasn't necessary, we could wait until the end of the show. It's odd. I think God is working something here, although I have NO idea what it could be- but I am choosing to trust Him. His ways aren't our ways, don't you know.

I sure hope whoever stole my art really enjoys it.

Things that make you go hmmmm....

I have been feeling discouraged lately. I read the New York Times as my primary source of news and it seems that the country is falling apart around me and there is no hope. I'm tired at work and got the news today that the primary stitcher I was hoping to get for the Christmas build is backing out and working for a bigger theatre that can pay more- a bit of a blow, since there isn't anyone else available. But then I got this in my email today from a friend- a letter that is circulating from David Letterman, of all people...and it sure is interesting to think about....

David Letterman wrote this; it's the David we don't often see...

"As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.” 'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?

A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?
B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
G.. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.
H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.
J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.
K.. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
M.. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' David Letterman

Wow. Indeed, no wonder the world sees us the way they do. I think our perspective is out of whack... We are an ungrateful, stubborn and selfish people. Help me, O Lord, to live with a thankful heart- for being born in this country- for such a time as this. If I only had a bird....

And so on....

Well- I am still in my GenX doldrums.... still struggling, particularly on a personal note. I feel more challenged to "step up to the plate." Sadly, I have NO FREAKIN' CLUE what that actually means. So....I will keep going and trusting God that whatever needs to happen will happen and I won't miss out or screw up. I think the more I walk with God, the less I know. But yet, I still trust Him. Yikes. I just feel as if I am totally messing things up all over the place. Yet, I seem to still be producing "fruit." I guess that's God using the imperfect vessel thing- thank goodness for that! Sometimes, I just feel like I've lost my.... "zeal"....for lack of a better term...to the point that sometimes I find other people's zeal a bit trite, which isn't fair at all. I don't presume to judge their hearts. But isn't there a way to live our lives for Jesus without being religious? I am beginning to wonder... But enough about that, suffice it to say- I am still very much in process.

In other news, other than picking up drycleaning and trying to cram all the costumes into stock- BIG RIVER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. OY. It felt like it was TAKING OVER MY LIFE.

August is over, another relief. It's alway a busy time at Camp TTC- but it seemed much more so this year- partly because of Big River maintenance and partly because we had to build everything for the next show before September 1st when I lost the majority of my work force. A big shout out to Dana, Beth, Sue, Melinda and Mandy- I so would not have survived this summer without them. They do tremendous work and I really appreciate all of them sooooo much. Now, things should settle into a busy, but relatively normal pace through Christmas.

I really don't have too much more to say- actually, I do have much rolling around in my mind- but don't have the energy today to type it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Generation X

Well, long tedious story short. I survived the parental visit and had some fun to boot. It was hardly what I would call restful, but life goes on. I am still pretty fried and burned out, and am trying to figure out how to "rest and restore" so that I can continue on the insane track of my life that runs through Christmas. So life goes on. And that's that.

Today, at church, Jeff was talking about thinking cross-generationally (something I believe in VERY much) and was describing all the different generations- boomers, X-er's, millenials...etc. etc. and I am a bang-on-the-money X-er all the way. Yep. Yessiree...wow, it was a smidge scary.

Apparently, we're a tad cynical, we have an ability to see through "falseness"- particularly pertaining to the church, we lack optimism, and we are extremely relational, we are big into AUTHENTICITY. I would say, for me- that's pretty much truth.

As I sat there- listening to Jeff talk about how unless we start "walking the talk," the church will lose the generations to come, I realized that I think that is very true. I already don't particularly want to go to church... I am finding, lately, I really am tired of "playing church." But what does "real" church look like? I have no idea- but what it is- we're not seeing...

And I sat listening to the congregation (primarily boomers, I believe) sit there and say "Yes!" and "Amen!" I am afraid my X-er cynicism kicked in in a big way. I just don't think they really know what they are saying yes and amen to, and, if they find out- will they be willing and able to do it? I just don't know. I am sad to say that I don't have the confidence that they will. Boomers like their institutions and programs- which once worked, but don't anymore...can they really bridge the gap? As the older generation- these boomers need to impart what wisdom they can- if they don't change, if they don't try to REALLY reach these 20's and 30's folks, who are the next leaders of the church- the church will die. DIE. That sounds dramatic, God is so much bigger- but the church will probably morph into something they don't recognize- and will they be left behind? And what will the next generations miss out on? And what will they miss out on from the next generations if they can't change?

We live in a selfish society. When I taught daycare- the first words from the two-year olds were "MINE" and "NO." Do we teach children to be selfish? Not at all- they have that down already- we have to teach them to share, to not be selfish. Darn that sin nature. So how do we be like Jesus in our arrogant, entitled, self-centered, selfish american society? Truly being like Jesus gets messy. It means getting in people's messes- it means accepting them as is- and LOVING them that way. It means taking time out to be with people (X-er relationship-ism- right there, ladies and gents) and spend time with them- it doesn't mean shiny happy programs....says the girl planning the kick-ass Trunk-or-Treat for the church.... perhaps it doesn't mean shiny happy programs with agendas? I just don't know. It means sacrificing what we want for the other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, as husbands and wives, as complete strangers. It's EXHAUSTING. I know I struggle in a big way. BIG WAY. Sometimes, dealing with that kind of "high maintenance" in hurting people takes it completely out of me. I am drained. A puddle in the corner. Ouch. And when people ask me to pray, I have to say- "Sorry- I got nothing left." And part of that comes from the busy-ness that keeps me from pulling away and filling up and drawing close to God. How to balance it all? I have no idea, and right now, I am flunking in a big way.

But I do know that I am tired of "Going to church" instead of living like Jesus. I am tired of Christians treating each other without respect- treating each other like crap. I am just TIRED of it ALL. I love God- with my whole heart. But I really do struggle with the Bride. I know Jeff's heart is right- but while there are very, VERY good things going on at our church- it feels so.....churchy.... to me and I am afraid we are heading right back into the land of good mega-church-like government and great programs- and not really getting at the heart of what Jesus really wants from us. I wish I knew how to do it myself...I know I am gloriously inept.

In all honesty, I find providing a workplace that is a "refuge" for a stitcher who is going through a rough time seems to me to be much more fulfilling than going to church as of late. I feel so much more like that is what God is wanting me to do...and I'd like to do more. I love that Marty and I are out in the "art community"- we don't do traditional witnessing- but we make friends, we love people...isn't that really what it's about? Being Jesus to people, trusting God to draw them to Him through us...loving without agenda, being there to answer the questions when it's time...

I used to love going to church. But that was when I bought into all the "shiny happy christianity" crap- I lived at the church 24/7. I met all expectations- I "served" 20-30 hours a week. I led, I prayed, I read, I mentored, I cooked meals, I taught kid's church, I cleaned yards- all good things- no doubt- BUT- I had no "unsaved" friends... I wasn't Jesus to anyone who didn't already know Him...what's the point? I confess, I seem to be back in my wilderness time. I feel like I am still being called away to God- to soak and learn, sadly- I've been "too busy" to answer.

Father, help me to find the time to find you again. I am your little, cynical, frustrated X-er daughter and I need some HELP.

INCOMING!!!

Well...in less than 24 hours, my parents will have descended upon us. At this moment, I am hoping they are relaxing in Spokane- and will arrive here in Seattle- early afternoonish tomorrow. The house...is clean. We'll set up the air mattress tonight. The towels are out- interestingly enough, we have absolutely NO matching towels in the house. NONE. I thought I had a set of at least matching bath towels, but no... OY. So the mismatched guest towels are out- hey- they do the job! So the house is as ready as it will be. I had grand plans of great spring cleaning (I am telling you, company can be inspiring for around the house projects) But I am too dang tired! Marty helped and vacuumed and took out the recycling- but I just didn't have it in me for a big clean. So be it. There are more important things in life than a spotless house...it's clean enough. Tomorrow I will pick up Mickey's meds, do a little last minute grocery shopping and then RELAX for a few precious hours before it's all parents, all the time. They will be here until Tuesday. No big plans yet...thrift stores (they love Value Village) and the show, and dinner with cousin Margaret, hopefully a cruise...we will see how it goes.

Mickey spent the day at the vet with his Katie. Katie is one of my favorite techs at the vet- she is super nice and way fun and when Mickey isn't being poked and prodded, he LOVES her. However, today was not that day. He had a blood test. Then he's all matted up. As my friend Heather says, "Old long haired kitties get lumpy." He's lumpy...and bony...and skinny...and currently a bit crabby. I gave him some "tuna juice" from the can- so when he wakes, he'll probably be happier. Katie couldn't get all the knots (those armpits are a booger) but she got a lot- next time, we'll go after the rest. He's just not that into grooming, and doesn't like to be brushed...which means we'll get lots of lectures from my mom about when they had him, how she brushed him every day etc. etc...he may have put up with it from her- but not from us. So he'll start his normal round of chemo tomorrow. Sadly, he's losing weight- and starting to fail- but he still seems active and happy and is eating, sleeping (when he's not stomping on my head at 4 am) and pooping...so we just keep on keeping on.

Marty is at the vet...I mean, the doctor right now. He has a sinus infection- he's been gone awhile, so I am assuming that he has prescriptions to fill or more tests or whatever- he's been gone 2 hours. Good thing we're not emceeing the Greenwood Seafair Parade this year, it's already started and we would be LATE. I'm actually not sad to miss the parade...3 years was plenty. However "Huck" and "Jim" from Big River are the grand marshals- in full costume- so that's pretty neat.

And that's all the news for now. The black eye is now green and yellow and purple and absolutely GORGEOUS. I tell you, I feel FANTASTIC! NO ONE is prettier than I am right now!

TTFN

Black eyed Sarahs

Well, Big River is up and running! HUZZAH! It's selling well and getting brilliant reviews and other than 2-6 loads of laundry per day and tons of repair work (the cast is MURDER on the clothes) I can...move on? Oy....

So I took a WHOLE DAY off- yep- last Monday- which we spent cleaning and purging closets. We took a Jeep load to Goodwill- preparing for the Jeep load of "stuff" coming from Iowa this week. My parents started driving from Iowa today..... yikes. They will be here on Thursday through next Tuesday. It will be nice to see them- I am actually looking forward to their visit.


So, of course, it's still insanely busy. It's summer! I've been working on little projects around the house (nothing like having company to help you get your crap together) and we've had a friend stay with us a couple of nights this week. She's in Big River and lives in Tacoma and is working at the summer camps at Taproot. It's too much $$ and lack of sleep to drive home after the performance, sleep and come right back. She will probably stay with us a couple of nights a week for the rest of the run, except for next week.

I've been working on a press shoot for the next mainstage show- that happens Tuesday... and I've been madly working on the Road Company- work will be crazy until Christmas this year.


I am getting excited to get going on Trunk-or-Treat at church... I need to get a team together and get going on that. It's going to eat a lot of time- but I am so looking forward to it. It'll be so much fun for the kids and their families. However, it will eat so much time that if we have a Christmas play at church this year- I will not be involved.


Marty had a show at the Bouncing Wall for the Queen Anne art walk on Thursday night. Lots of folks showed up- so that was fun. It seemed he sold a lot of prints- so that is AWESOME. He's a hit, my studly hubby.


And yesterday I threw a luncheon for the team of stitchers for Big River. They did a great job and deserved every bit of appreciation I could throw at them. After that, I went to dinner at a co-worker's home to meet a potential new production stage manager- it was fun. She was nice. Coming home, I was getting out of the car- and my friend said something to me- I turned back to answer her and smacked my head into the frame of her car- it's a very aerodynamic car and the frame is much lower than most vehicles I ride in. I totally smacked the crap out of my head, slamming my sunglasses into my face. It immediately swelled up- it hurt like heck and I could tell as I got ready for bed, I'd wake up with a shiner. Sure enough, it's a beaut. Once the swelling goes down, I think it'll look like REALLY DRAMATIC eye make-up. One strawberry marguerita and a little bit of poor depth perception combined with an aerodynamic car...ouch!
My head still hurts like heck. I don't think I gave myself a concussion- but I hit my head VERY hard. And my eye is VERY black.

I wear my sunglasses at night...and at the bank...and at the store...and to church.....

Today, I gave the car it's annual bath...a very good thing. I also did a few little odd chores and rested a bit. Tomorrow is church (Marty and his band are leading worship- yay!) and we're going to check out the last low, low tide of the year- more starfish. It's so very cool to go and look at them. Then the rest of this week will be filled with busy times at work and preparing at work and at home for the parental arrival.

That's all for now, it's more than enough.

So it begins....

Dress rehearsals start tonight. We are in amazingly good shape. I confess to being a bit stunned by that. We have a page of notes and a buttload of logistics and lists to sort out today- but pretty much ALL the clothes are there....out of curiousity- I think I might count them... Seriously, A LOT of clothing. Thank all y'all who are praying- it's working- keep praying- we still have to get through dress....all those actors in tight spaces. Yikes. Thankfully, it's a humble crowd- it's amazing how a little humility goes a long way. No divas in this bunch.
So that will be my life for the next week and a half...it'll be nice to have a day off tomorrow to recover from tonight.

Don't forget to check out my art at the Green Bean! It's up for the month of July!

Highlights...

...of my week...

Big River- is well on its way. I can take the weekend off in good conscience. Everything is built- but needs to be finished after fittings on Monday. There is still much work to be done before first dress on Thursday, but my brain is MUSH and will be better prepared after a weekend (yes, 2 whole days!) of not dealing with it. Then, I will be ready for 2 weeks of ALL BIG RIVER, ALL THE TIME. Yikes.

We released the LADYBUGS!!! Yep, I bought 1500 ladybugs and released them on the porch to combat aphids. All but about 10 have left the building. I just hope they had the decency to lay eggs before they flew off, after all, I DID free them. Those remaining ladybugs have been having quite the aphid feast. It's a circle of bug's life...ladybugs eat the aphids, one ladybug got eaten by a spider.... It's all very fascinating...and organic!

I am in the process of purchasing a partially assembled dollhouse- I am quite excited. Tomorrow, I will call the guy and arrange to go get it. Then I will enjoy redecorating and finishing it and then hopefully sell it for a ridiculous amount of money. I would love to have a business doing that- but, baby steps. It'll be a nice way to let my mind rest.

Tuesday, I will hang an art show at The Green Bean. Tomorrow, I need to gather what I will be using so that I can do labels. I have a couple of repairs to do and some hangers to put on.

I also would like to start making Christmas ornaments as well...in all my copious spare time...and I am still in charge of Trunk-or-Treat at church this year....somehow...I don't think my plan to simplify my life is working.....

And through all this, I long to find a place to rest and retreat with Jesus. I just want to spend the rest of the year reading the gospels and finding out on a deeper level what Jesus said, how He loved and lived and how He intends for me to live...it's very hard in all the busy-ness...and I just want to create and pray! ACK! How to balance the time.

So that's my week, in a nutshell....

Tomorrow, I have a date with my husband (yeah, baby!) to go see Wall-e...and lunch. I will then do chores I've been ignoring and hopefully read a good book. All in all, a productive week.

Big HONKIN' River...continues...

I feel like I am drowning in muddy waters. No, not really- I think it will be fine. But I am tired, it's an incredible amount of energy to expend to get this show up- I worked 50+ hours last week, and I think that's the shortest week I'll work for the next few weeks. It's just a huge show on all counts. If I can just take it day by day and not think about the amount of work that needs to happen in the next week and a half before 1st dress- it will be brilliant. And in three weeks, it will be up and running...huzzah. My parents are coming to visit the end of July and I already reserved good seats for them- I think it'll be a hot ticket...but beware- it's PG-13- there's cussing and the word "nigger" is used because we are trying to stay true to what Mark Twain intended with the story...

I think one of the funniest stories about this show came when I was returning the Doubt costumes to the Seattle Rep. The delightful Sarah- who is their rental person, asked me what show we were working on. I told her. She looked at me like I suddenly grew a second head and said, " Really? Are you doing it period?" I completely understand how she felt. We're substituting petticoats for hoop skirts so everyone will fit on the stage, but it is a really big show for our space. In fact, I am certain we will max out our space- rack space, the dressing rooms, the green room, the stage...but the cast is fun and all get along very well- so I am certain it will be fun times had by all....but if I'm not blogging...it's because I am swimming upstream in muddy waters....

Brainfart of Epic Proportions...

.....I'd say one of the top three in my lifetime. I blew it. I got it in my head that BIG HONKIN' RIVER opens on July 18th- I was WRONGO- it opens on the 11th. Holy Crap. I just lost a whole week- do you know what that means in costume land? HOLY CRAP.

So, I am trying very hard not to panic. I have an amazing team of stitchers who are about to get a bit more work a bit sooner than they expected. I just thought we were doing well to head into first dress on the 11th- now it's on the 3rd. So- we will regroup on Monday and work the schedule again- thankfully, they are good and swift and want to work. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did this, seriously- I have NEVER EVER done anything quite like this before. I am in awe of myself. What an idiot. So...that being said, if you are a praying type- please pray for me- I need to be able to regroup and will probably have to put in a lot more hours myself in the next few weeks (not like I've been sitting around eating bon-bon's the past few weeks) and keep my own morale and the morale of my team up- and keep us from being completely overloaded. I think it's really hard because I already way underbudgeted labor on this one already and was already overwhelmed- and now...

I just feel soooo stupid.

Waiting

For something. I don't know what. I am waiting for God to move. I hear things about healings and revival...but I don't know. These things make me uneasy, and I can't explain why. I don't doubt anything God can do, but I am still waiting for the deep, deep move of God. The kind that changes hearts and lives in the longterm...which in itself, is a sign, a wonder...a miracle. And yet, I am also waiting for the lady in our church who believes she will walk during this lifetime to go on and get on up out of her wheelchair. I am waiting to know the truth about what God intends church to be. I am waiting to soak in God's presence once again in worship. I am waiting for the "Word" to our church that other intercessors seem to be hearing, but I do not. I am waiting for the children of God to come to a place of humility and repentance. I am waiting for revelation- I am waiting for something big- and I don't even know what it is. But the expectation is in me, making me restless... and uneasy. I don't know how to pray. I honor the prayer requests of friends, but I feel like there's something more, something deeper, something bigger....

As I wait, God is still working. I see Him working in the lives of friends who are discovering new relationships... I see Him disciplining His children. Myself included. And I wait. I wait and hope not to get overwhelmed with busy-ness. My work life will be insane for the next month or so and could consume me. I don't want that. I wait, and I long for a simpler life. I wait, and my heart longs for stillness while my mind longs to be diverted... I am just waiting....for Him.

I got nothing....

....in mind for a witty title for this blog. Sorry.

Just a quick check in for those of you checking in. The new bed ROCKS. Love it! Still need the comforter set of our dreams, but we're all sleeping better.

I had to put down Grand Theft Jesus. Dude kinda went off the deep end a bit. He still had valid things to say-but I was just getting WAY depressed reading the book. If you're up for it- I would still recommend it. I think the CHURCH needs to relook at itself and behave more like the Bride than the Mistress, if you know what I mean. I am still studying the red letters. I have been praying and worshipping a lot lately, and praying about worship, and worshipping while praying... I sense a theme.

I still feel a heaviness about the grand scheme of eternity that hasn't lifted yet. Not sure what that's all about yet. Will keep praying and worshipping.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by Big River. The sheer volume is unnerving. I think we will hit our "ceiling" on this one. One of the big issues I am concerned about is space, rack space, dressing room space. One of our goals is to take care of people and if 20 people are crammed into a space that 12 feel tight in.... I also don't know that I made the budget big enough. I guess we will find out. On the up side, I have one of the best construction crews we have ever had, so I am excited about that. And I think it should look pretty good...we will keep you posted.

I don't have much of a weekend, I have to dress both shows tomorrow. I will be taking Sunday off since next week will begin the build and the hilarity/madness will ensue. Just like Theoden in Two Towers, I stand on the wall of Helm's Deep thinking, "And so it begins."

Yikes.

5 more days until the new bed!!!

Yep- it's a countdown. We flipped the mattress to "survive" the next week. Alas, it's just as uncomfy. I am way looking forward to the bed. Five days and counting......

In other news...I am trying to design Big River. It's HUGE. I think, if I can pull it off, it will be fantastic...but I have to get it designed first. I am hoping I can balance the size, the logistics and the artistry of it all. Prayers appreciated. I shall have no life until mid- July.

I miss the sun. Boo rain. Poor Mickey doesn't understand it's too chilly for him to hang out on the porch.

I am reading "Grand Theft Jesus." I was intrigued by the book at the library. It's very challenging and interesting. It's supposed to be funny, but I think the author just sounds angry most of the time. He has a right to be... I think.... or should he love his enemies.... the religious right, megachurches and their pastors, republicans? Things that make you go hmmmm....

I don't agree with everything this guy says- but he has A LOT of good points to think about- particularly, how the religious right seems to completely disregard the actual teachings of Jesus, which has led me to start studying the red letters in my Bible. If we really follow the teachings of Jesus, yikes. The author, Robert S. McElvaine, does seem to repeat himself quite a bit in the book, and he has his "pet" people and issues he picks on. I don't necessarily disagree with what he has to say about them, I understand his frustration, but I feel he must be careful that his heart is pure before God. I will trust that he does have a pure heart. He does have valid points about social issues that Jesus paid attention to (the poor) that the "church/religious right" doesn't actually support. He talks about how the "church" has lost sight of "good works." I think there might be some validity to that. In our society, we'll do "good works," if it doesn't cost us anything or require any sort of sacrifice of time, energy and emotion on our part. I am also intrigued by his notion of "Christianity-lite"- and how he likens it to a miracle diet, LOSE 50 POUNDS AND EAT WHAT YOU WANT!!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO EXERCISE! It's a really interesting concept. NAME JESUS AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR AND YOU CAN STILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!! It's interesting, I believe that we are saved by grace, and grace alone, and that you can't "work out" your salvation, but I think we need to grow as followers of Christ and that good works are a part of that journey. I don't think all "christians" think the way he talks about, he even admits that himself. But there are the loud "christians," that make a lot of noise, do a lot of damage and cause people like me to call ourselves "followers of Jesus" because we don't want to be associated with the loud and unloving crowd. I tell you what, it's a thinker of a book. But it does bring up some of the issues that I ponder and wonder, was that teaching I received and bought into for awhile in the past truthful? It challenges some leaders that I have looked up to in the past, but you know what? My faith can handle it. My God can handle it. But I want to know the TRUTH. So, I seek the truth in the words of Jesus Himself. I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.

I've been studying for 3 days and have barely made it through the beatitudes. Talk about things that make you go hmmmm....those beatitudes pretty much go against the american dream. But so far, as I look around at astronomical housing, gas and food prices, we're destroying our economy, our earth- we have a crappy government, healthcare system and a TERRIBLE social security set-up....I think I am vastly UNIMPRESSED with the "American dream."

It boggles my mind to think there are folks out there who don't even think about this stuff. They don't want to take responsibility for our world. I think sometimes, people think that when it says God gave man dominion over the earth in Genesis, it means they can trash it and do whatever the hell they feel like. When really, it means we're responsible for taking care of our earth. We're responsible for taking care of each other, for feeding people, for taking care of the sick and the elderly...for loving one another. I am thankful that some parts of the earth are still untouched and beautiful. I am thankful for acts of love that I see. But many folks don't do even the little things to help the environment-let alone helping people. No, we live in a ME-ME-ME, CONSUME-CONSUME-CONSUME society. The age of reality TV.

Sadly, I think many (I am NOT saying all) churches buy into the whole american dream society thing as well. "Jesus died so I could have an SUV, $300 jeans and a summer home" mentality. Grrrr... I am very discouraged right now. A friend told me that another woman was praying for me, a woman I have never met, and that this woman felt that I was surrounded by sorrow. I think I am surrounded by sorrow. Deep sorrow for a broken world that can't look up from it's selfish and self-centered ways. I know that I am selfish and self-centered at times, many times- but I try to be aware that I am, even though I am quite imperfect at walking out an unselfish life.

Well, it's time to get off my soap box. It's a big jump down. I haven't been blogging because I've been so busy THINKING- about life, about Jesus, about society, about being "green," about conflict resolution, about all those crazy costumes in Big River. My brain is TIRED. It HURTS. I am going to my uncomfy bed and try to sleep it OFF.

I am so thankful that His mercies are new everyday.

WE'RE GETTING A NEW BED!!!

WHOO HOO! New bed! We bought a new bed! We tried on beds and we bought a new bed! We won't have it until next week, but we have a new bad! BYE BYE BAD OLD BED! WE GOT A NEW BED!!! Thank you tax rebate- we poured it back into the economy and we bought a NEW BED! Neither Marty nor I have ever bought a bed, but today, WE BOUGHT A NEW BED!!! There will be enough room for everyone including the cat, Marty won't toss and turn and bounce me in the night because WE'LL HAVE A NEW BED!!! He won't hit me in the head because he sleeps with his arm straight out because WE'LL HAVE A NEW BED!!! I am very excited. Can you tell? Did I mention WE'RE GETTING A NEW BED!!! Next Monday, our NEW BED will arrive. WHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

new bed
yay.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Sarah....

I know. It's been many moons since I have blogged, and I suspect this one will be short. I just haven't felt like sharing all the kabillion things that have been going on, or I've been spending too much time doing the kabillion things...or I've been playing on Facebook, take your pick. : )

I loved my vacation- and would like another one. I got some sun and am currently peeling. (Delightful) I enjoyed meeting about 900 people (okay- more like 100- but it felt like 900, most of them cousins) I forgot how much I love Florida, particularly Pensacola. I liked hanging out with the Gordon clan. I am fascinated by Uncle Terry's house. Seriously, THREE houses FULL of massive amounts of antiques and "treasures." As a former "Merry Maid," it makes me shiver. And that doesn't include the rest of the "estate" that has a really beat up single wide (to be made into a playhouse...perhaps...never, it made Aunt Jody cry when it made an appearance) and another single wide that is actually livable, there is a full scale antique playground with all the equipment, a couple of full outbuildings, a swimming hole with a sunken boat and full of tires, a swimming hole that looks like you can swim in it- with a cool slide...It was a little overwhelming. I kept thinking, if they would purge and finish project and tidy up a bit- Country Living would be chomping at the bit to do a spread. But really, like Marty said, it's Florida- who needs 140 quilts?
I will share more about the trip as I feel inspired. But I had a great time and it was VERY difficult to come home.

It was probably so difficult because we really hit the ground running. I had to strike Doubt, we start dress rehearsals for Over the River tonight, and I am interviewing stitchers and interns and trying to design Big River (which is a logistical monster). I am wore out and need another vacation. I started back to work the day after we got home, and due to some church events and company, haven't really had any downtime since. The results of which- I have no idea what day it is at any given time. No sense of time whatsoever. Yikes. I do take momentary mental breaks. I read the New York Times business, opinion and style sections- I get depressed, so I go read the Go Fug Yourself website, which makes me feel like an unclassy american, and then I discovered this! http://www.kickette.com/index.php?/site/C30/ The KICKETTE website, which is British and devoted to "Footballers and their Wives and Girlfriends"- suddenly, I feel ever so classy. Wow. It's a hoot and a half. I don't even know who most of these folks are, but YIKES. It's a lesson in keeping priorities straight. And I have become convinced that the reason Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) looks so hacked off all the time is that she is probably hungry. Good heavens! Give that woman some french fries!

And on top of all this "stuff" that really does not matter in the grand scheme of eternity, God is working on some "stuff" that does matter in the grand scheme of eternity. Daily, I pray for balance and that I can learn what I need to learn and be in God's flow of what He is doing.
TTFN

Dream, dream, dream

Someday, when I am in heaven, I intend to have a little chat about the whole dream thing. Last night- I had some CRAZY dreams. Most of them I can't remember, but one of them involves a little girl named Aria- daughter of friends of ours. Aria is 4-5ish. She is GORGEOUS. I love to look at this little girl, and it's not just because she is pretty- which she is, but there is something about her.... She has dark hair and eyes, she's feminine but not prissy. She seems to be very certain who she is- at least during the encounters I have had with her. She is very genuinely her- no airs, no self-consciousness- just wonderful, beautiful her.

So anyway- last night I have this dream about her. It's HILARIOUS. I am with her. For some reason, she is temporarily in my care. We are standing in a very crowded place with lots of people milling about, hence, I have her very firmly by the hand. We are standing about 10-15 feet away from some bathrooms. We stand there for a few minutes as several men enter the men's room. All of a sudden, Aria jerks away from me and starts booking it toward the men's room. I yell, "Aria! Wait!" But she runs on, very determined and yells back,

"I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM ABOUT JESUS!"

And then she disappears into the men's room.

I FREAK OUT. Seriously. FREAK OUT. In a split second, all of the following goes through my mind:
"OHMIGOSH! OHMIGOSH! She can't go in there! It's the men's room! She's LITTLE! There are A LOT OF GUYS in there! Their willies will be out! She can't see that! I need to go in there and get her! I can't- I can't see that! But it's more important she doesn't see that! What do I do? What do I do?"

Seriously freaking out. I look around, my husband is nowhere to be found- everyone is a stranger- then I see our friend Jeff way across the room and I yell,
"JEEEEFFFFFFF!!!"
Wisely, Jeff senses the panic in my eyes and voice, I point towards the men's room, "Aria is in there!" He heads in.

I wake up.

What the heck?

Let them walk.

My friend, Jeff, said this in his latest blog entry...

"But none of those I care about belong to me, and they will walk as they will walk."

Boy, ain't that the truth. He was talking about seeing some healing starting to happen in some of his friends. And I just thought that simple statement holds a WHOLE BIG BUCKET LOAD OF TRUTH. But to add to it, we must trust that God loves those we care about and is even more concerned with their welfare than those of us who love them best. For as much as we have their health and well-being in mind, God has so much more love for them than we do. And He has time, and grace, and patience... all those things we seem to lack when we see our loved ones hurting. I know that I want to see those that hurt around me to be whole and healed- but all I can do is pray. And love. And I do those to the best of my imperfect ability. And then I have to trust Him to do the rest, and trust that He can work in those I love- which I do. Afterall, He worked wonders in me. I was SUCH a mess. Wow. Yikes. Hallelujah. : ) If He can do it in Paul, and He can do it in me......

Vacation...

If you checked out my husband's blog, you know that we're only a week away from vacation. I really, really need it. Seriously. I woke up this morning and was so...agitated...I guess that's a good word, that I am amazed and extremely thankful for the grace of God that got me through the day. After weeks of doing "catch-up" work at work, now it's time to get a show up and we're a little behind schedule due to several things- coordinating schedules with the guest designer being a primary issue- but things are under way and all will be well. I need to get some work on Big River done before we leave and all sorts of other details at home and at work... Why is it that things always seem to get even crazier before a vacation? I feel like I have run out of steam. I need a change of location and pace, I think. I just pray we can get to Florida. We're flying American- 'nuff said.

I am trying to listen to God and figure out how to live my life with less stress. Most of my stress is work-related. I'm not sure how to deal with that- since nothing seems to change. We had a staff retreat last week and talked about respect and trust and all that good sort of stuff. It was a bit eye-opening for me. I realized I don't fully trust folks. I think it's because even if we discuss issues, nothing ever really seems to change. Little improvements- material improvements, are made over time- but the important stuff, relational issues and such- no change. So I guess it makes me feel like if we are "discussing issues" that it's just "talk," and what's the point? It just feels like we're going in circles, talking about the same issues over and over again- and some things are polarities- and will always be there- and that's fine. I can deal with that. But I'm tired of not feeling safe enough to talk about stuff that actually matters. I'm tired of "christianese" in all arenas. Surely, Jesus could have cut to the chase and would have been able to speak the truth in love. I feel like all we want is love, and not the truth. I know I'm not a fan when it's a truth I don't want to hear, my defenses go up...but then I realize it is TRUTH and I suck it up and deal and am usually a better person for it. I know there are tasks to be done and task people to do them, but here's the deal. ALL OF IT WILL COME TO PASS. People are the things that are eternal. Relationships are eternal. Stuff is stuff. I don't know- my brain is tired from keeping all the plates spinning. I need to let them crash. Sadly, I don't know that I can let them crash. Sigh. I guess I am just feeling fried and a little blue. And today is the month anniversary of Max's death. Marty is at band practice, preparing for a friend's birthday party tomorrow. I think I am a little lonely. I went for a lovely long walk this evening and enjoyed all the flowers, and got a little depressed at the fact it seems like we'll never be able to afford a home of our own. I just don't know what to do with myself this evening. Bummer.

7 days until vacation.

Ho hum.

Well. What to say. Not much going on here. But I think that's okay. It's nice not going a kabillion miles an hour and have something happening EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY for a change.

We opened Doubt last week, it's getting great reviews, but not selling so hot. I think we'll see the trickle down effect of the economy at the theatre this year. I am also starting research for Big River and we'll start the next show (which has a guest designer) next week. I'm using the "down" time to catch up on projects I never have time to do around the shop- so far, I have purged wigs (thrilling) and patterns and have reorganized all the make-up and hair bobbery. Tomorrow, I am purging and reorganizing the craft shelf and maybe the fabric. WOW. I tell you, theatre is ALL about the GLAMOUR and the MONEY.

We saw Cabaret at the 5th this week. It was....very red. I enjoyed it- but I felt it was very surface-y in some ways- I felt it could have gone deeper, but I still enjoyed it. The "emcee" was a hoot!

I read the New York Times everyday online- about the economy, the presential race, the state of life, men's fashion, Patti Lupone on Broadway- and I really wonder...what the heck is going on? I feel like the world is going kablooey. But God is good all the time. And I am very certain that Patti totally ROCKS Mama Rose.

It's spring. It was a beautiful day today- I highly enjoyed my walk home and the daffodils are out, the tulips are starting...I just loooooovvvveeee flowers. I am very much looking forward to setting up "my room" on the porch when we get back from Florida. Of course, Marty is VERY welcome out there- but he's not good at tuning out the traffic. But I love to sit out there and Mickey loves to join me. So this year, I'll plant green beans, peppers, tomatoes and herbs. I have decided to do more flowers this year. Sadly, the obese mouse has returned and will have to be trapped, all the decorative cabbages had grown back and then we had a cold snap- and now, they are stalks. At least I won't feel bad getting rid of the cabbages now- I am a sucker for a comeback. The mouse will have to go before we plant the veggies though. I hate that- wish we could all live together in peace...but..... Anyhoo, when we get back from vacation, I will put out the indoor/outdoor carpet, the plants...it will be delightful. I just love to sit out there and read. I pretty much read the entire Harry Potter series out there last year. Don't know what I'll read this summer.

Other than that-I have been missing Max deeply lately. It's been hitting me hard- he'll be gone 3 weeks tomorrow- it feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. I guess it's really sinking in for me that he's really, truly gone. It sucks.

Lots going on at our church with all the changes and such. We're gearing up for Pentecost....I'm looking forward to it- I think something is going to shift- there will be a release, I hope, of God's spirit. People are hungry for it and God is faithful...we'll see how it goes.

I am looking forward to vacation. Hopefully, the weather will be nice. We plan to take a sunset dolphin cruise and do some shopping and chilling out at the beach! WHOO HOO!

Enough rambling for now. Life just goes on.....

Good Friday

Well, it's true. God is good all the time. Even when your jeep breaks down and you have it towed. It's not raining. The mechanic fixes it in great time- and while it's a hit to the finances, I am thankful we had the finances to hit. It was a beautiful day. Dress rehearsal went well, there's a page of notes- but it's mostly my perfectionism that I actually have time to pursue. There have been a couple of answered prayer requests today as well. I'll keep those to myself as I am expecting more fruit to come.

The Max sized hole in my heart is still pretty huge. Bedtime is still very, very hard. Mickey stuck pretty much in Max's chair today. I know that he misses him too. Mickey is pretty social, and while he did indeed pick on Max, I am sure it was because Max was HIS baby. I am thankful that my heart can grieve, that it is not hardened by cynicism and life. I am thankful that while I can recognize that others have much bigger burdens to carry, that God knows that I am hurting and that matters to Him. I am trusting that Max is with Him, whatever that means. I can still cry for my baby and it's ok.

We visited the Stations of the Cross today at church- it was such a nice experience. The art was great and appropriate, the atmosphere was condusive to meditation and prayer. The music and lighting were great. I think God was pleased and pray that people were moved and blessed. I am happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm thankful that we got to go, considering we thought we might miss it with all the drama of the car. We missed the Taize service (I had to work) but I am sure that was fantastic too.

I was encouraged by one of the actors in Doubt. Her faith is amazing, her father-in-law unexpectedly died, her mom is sick and a whole bunch of other stuff is going on. The POOP has hit the fan, people! But still, she knows God is good. As do I. God is good. Even when the poop hits the fan. All the time. He is good.

One Week

It's already been one week since we put Max to sleep. It's hard to believe, we still miss him so much. It was just this time last week that I was getting ready to take him to the vet, not knowing that he wouldn't be coming home. We're doing ok. It hits us at odd times, night time is brutal because we no longer have the routine of spending time with him and checking on him. Sometimes I still forget he's gone and will look to check on him in his chair. Grief sucks. Mickey is doing ok too. I think he's lonely. He didn't see me take Max, so Max just sort of disappeared. The first day or two, Mickey was all about being the center of attention, now, not so much. But I think he's adjusting as we all are.

On Monday, my WONDERFUL, AWESOME, BRILLIANT and TALENTED husband threw me a birthday party. All my wonderful and generous friends that could be there helped me celebrate turning 38 (how the heck did THAT happen?) I will be using my birthday money to buy a painting by Diane Culhane.

The rest of the week was quite normal- we're getting ready for dress rehearsals for Doubt that start tonight. It's pretty quiet. I'm sure I'll have notes, but I need to see everything on stage first. Today we'll go see the Stations of the Cross at church. We both have artwork in it. This weekend is Easter. I'll spend most of it working. I'll be sharing my thoughts at communion on Sunday and praying. I have been thinking about victory. What the victory of the cross means to us in this day and age of the economy going kablooey, the housing market looking like it's DEFINITELY built on sand and a presidential race that's a bit of a circus...I don't know- these thoughts just all bang around in my head. We'll see how they all come together.

We miss you, Max.

Happy Easter. He is risen, He is risen indeed.

Max

Max is gone. As most of y'all know, he's been going down hill for over a year now. Chronic constipation and arthritis and the Lord only knows what. It's been terrible to watch my "kitten," who was still a kitten when he was 11-12 years old suddenly get very old. He's always been a baby. And like I have blogged before, he loved Marty- he was his baby too. So he started his usual routine of being constipated this week and we have been watching him. But something in my heart just shifted last night. I got up early this morning and spent 45 minutes of extra mommy time with him, and I am so glad I did. He purred and was content and he was so beautiful. I called the vet when I got to work and told her what was going on and we talked about doing x-rays and bloodwork and an enema (what feels like his kabillionth) and then I went and picked him up and took him in. It had not occurred to me in my conscious thoughts that I would put him to sleep today. But after a long discussion with our vet, we just decided enough was enough and it was time. I was so tired of watching him hurt and not be himself. So I called Marty and he came over, we signed the paperwork and stayed with him until he was asleep. We loved on him and told him how much we loved him- and then we let him go. We left the room when they gave him "the shot." We just couldn't handle that. IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!
I know this was the best decision for him. I am trusting that he goes back to God- whatever that means in animal land. I know he knew God- he always wanted to be picked up when I was praying and he loved to be prayed for. Creatures know their Creator.
I hate looking at his chair being empty. I walk into the living room and he's not there and I hate it. I know he wasn't himself for a long time, but he was there. Wanting "mommy time." I am not looking forward to going to bed for awhile- that's when we had "mommy time." Before I would go to bed I would pet him for awhile and we would have a lovefest. I don't think Marty is doing much better. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves today. We didn't expect to put him to sleep today- I think we knew it would be soon...but not today. And on my birthday weekend. Ouch. Mickey probably won't start to figure it out until tonight. Max would be gone all day to the vet for the enemas, but he'd be back at night. Part of me thinks I'll have to go get him soon. But he's gone. There's a hole in my heart. I know some people don't understand how people get attached to pets...but that's their problem. We loved our boy and will miss him terribly for a long time. I am going to trust God that I can get to a place when I can look back and celebrate his life. He was a good kitty. He had an amazing knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He love to give you "kisses" and would head-butt you when he was happy. He was shy. His meow always sounded like a baby's meow. He was 14 1/2 years old and I got him when he was a kitten. He was a huge blessing to me.

The Thrill, the glamour.....

...that is my life. Truly, the paparazzi quake in their boots. Just kidding. So what's new? An elderly constipated cat (again) and work and art and church. Oh my.

It's been pretty quiet for me around Camp Taproot, for a change. In all honesty, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. So I am catching up on intern applications and weird little jobs around the shop. The next show is Doubt which is mostly rented from the Rep- so it's pretty easy. Which is DELIGHTFUL.

We took down my art show in West Seattle- no sales or anything-but I didn't really expect any. Now I am just working on my Stations of the Cross project for Good Friday. I have tossed 2 ideas SO FAR. Yikes. I think I had ideas that were too grand for the scale I am to work in, so, I am doing a Scrabble collage- which is fine, God always seems to show up in those collages.

I am still praying and seem to be doing pretty well in that area of my life. The depression does try and sneak back now and again, but not with the vengeance it did before. I am currently reading Captivating by the Eldredge's and it's quite an interesting read. It's a lot to think about. It's very intimidating to think of how much devil hates women....but then you think about how much God LOVES women...and there you go. Some interesting thoughts along the way...

-Eve was the last thing created- the pinnacle of creation

-Yep, she blew it BIG TIME, but in the original text, Adam was standing "elbow to elbow" with her, perhaps he could have said, "Uh, honey...I don't think you should eat that." But no, he just stood there. Like a lump. And ate the fruit. People are stupid. We do stupid things.

-As a result, the Curse. Men now have dominion over women...but this is a POST-fall development, they were equal beforehand. And I can't help thinking that if we're trying to restore things to as God intends....well, you fill in the blank. Suffice it to say, I think a lot of men are missing out if they don't allow women to be themselves in regards to God.

-God loves women. He loves the emotion and all the crazy stuff that makes men uncomfortable and want to back off. How sad. Women need their men, but men are scared they can't handle their women, so they back off and women feel alone (regardless of whether or not they are alone) and that nasty fear of abandonment that the devil likes to torture women with becomes this horrible cycle. You don't have to be physically alone to feel abandoned. I had no idea that this was a "woman-wide" issue. I thought it was just me being stupid and not having my crap together. But most women have to battle this. I used to have horrible dreams of Marty abandoning me- we call them the "Bad Marty" dreams- and the pain that is in my heart when they happen is undescribable. It's physical, it hurts so much. So many women, dealing with so much pain - from their childhood on...it's horrible. Things that parents or schoolmates said haunt us. I remember when I was in middle school, I got in big trouble about something and my mom said, "I love you , but I don't like you." I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember that- but I have felt that my mother doesn't like me for most of my life. Seventeen magazine tortured us- what 12 year old needs kissable lips and a complex because she's not a size negative 6? As adults, we are constantly bombarded with the supermodels, Oprah's and Martha Stewart's of the world telling us that we are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, our house is not clean enough.....and then if you happen to go to church! Well, then you have to serve the church and pray and be all spiritual on top of all this other stuff. And there are plenty of Christian books to tell you how to be a "Godly woman." It makes me exhausted. We become spiritual "Martha's" who work and pray our tails off. And we are TIRED. I think about the Proverbs 31 superwoman and it makes me TIRED. Don't you think she was exhausted? Yikes. Life is hard enough without trying to be perfect. I for one, am totally guilty of trying to be perfect. I am tired. I just want to be me. Whatever the heck that means. I want to let it go and let Jesus free me and heal me from all the junk. So much junk- so many lies we buy into. My heart just hurts from it all.

GIZMOS.....ON!

So I was watching Independence Day the other day. I love all those it's the end of the world kind of movies. And I was watching the part where the REALLY GEEKY guy was talking about the space ship down in the bowels of Area 51, and he's talking about how interesting it is because in the last 24 hours, all the gizmos have come on and started working.

That's how I feel. I feel like, after almost 3 years, all my spiritual "gizmos" have come back online. Halle-freakin'-lujah. Seriously. I have missed it. But I feel like I am praying with faith and purpose again. God has connected me to some people in my church that I feel like I can be authentic with my "spiritual weirdness," which is a huge relief. And I feel like God is really talking and I am in tune again. I feel like there is an assignment at hand. It's been a long time. He's been talking to me- showing me things along the way- two instances in particular in 2006-2007. But inside, I feel lit up again and it's GREAT. And I think the depression I battled for so long, was indeed, warfare. The devil is a booger. I don't know what the point of breakthrough was, I am just happy it happened. And I am praying at church again. And all the gizmos are going. I'm excited, but, dang skippy, I feel like we're in for a bumpy ride. Thank goodness I LOVE that kind of stuff. YYYEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWWW!

Surreal

So, I don't know how many of you know, but I got my undergraduate degree at Northern Illinois University. It was a bit surreal when my parents called me last night to tell me about the shooting. I had classes both in Cole and DuSable halls when I was there. Of course, when I was there- we didn't really fear getting shot. We had our troubles and tradgedies. A dear friend of mine, who was a stage manager, was killed in a car accident during tech week of her show. The silence in the theatre and in the house and halls of the honors program was deafening. We mourned, and the show went on. But we didn't fear getting shot during class. How life has changed.

I guess it just means we must live our lives in such a way that we have no regrets. We must tell the people we love that we love them ALL THE TIME. We must live our lives in such a way, that we can lose it and stand before God without warning. I wonder how many of those 5 people who were killed were ready to die. It may sound morbid, but our lives are gifts. We must treasure them.

Lifecheck

Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks. We got As You Like It up and most folks seem to enjoy it. It's not selling great- but I think Shakespeare is a hard sell, people are afraid they'll not understand it. It certainly isn't a "no-brainer" to watch, you need to listen and pay attention. But hey- that sort of thing is good for your brain. So we got the show open, then I had to do a little "life" catch-up, cleaning, groceries....that sort of thing. Then we had Marty's birthday. On his birthday, I made him breakfast and we went to see Sweeney Todd (Good, but gory- FABULOUS clothes) and then to dinner at Olive Garden with friends. He seemed to have a good birthday.
On Tuesday evening, my friend Deanna arrived from North Carolina. We had a fun week catching up, hanging out, shopping, playing tourist.... We went to the SciFi Museum (my favorite museum in Seattle) and I restrained myself and only lit the Death Star twice. I don't know why I like doing that- it's just a big ball with a light and some music- but it's really FUN. On Friday, I threw a "surprise" party for Marty...only he wasn't that surprised. Apparently, he had seen a response in my email- but he thought that I couldn't pull it together since is was the Friday AFTER his birthday. So we put it together Friday afternoon while he was working in the studio and then he walked out and we were like...."surprise!" I totally hate lying. Even for something fun....especially to my husband, so I caved and told him the truth. It was fun and it was nice to have friends from all arenas there and getting to know each other and have a good time. Saturday, Deanna and I went to the show and did a little shopping. Sunday was church and lifegroup and then a "surprise" visit to some friends who have relocated here to the Pacific Northwest. They arranged a dinner with Deanna. I actually guessed who it was about 3 weeks ago- ha HA! So it turned out that I was RIGHT, and it was my dear friends Darren and LiEr who have been living in Singapore for the last 8 years. We had a lovely visit with them (LiEr is an AWESOME cook) and I am glad they are here. This morning, I got up before the butt crack of dawn to take Deanna to the airport for a very LONG day of travel for her. As I was up- I just came on in to work and it's been one thrill after another....laundry, wigs, repairs....oooh...the thrill, the glamour. So this week, we'll take it easy and recover from a busy couple of weeks. Marty and I are making art for the stations of the cross at church- so we need to get busy with that. And life goes on....

No clever title for this post....

Just an update....

I am up to my eyeballs with As You Like It. It's not one of my favorite Shakespeare plays...I honestly prefer the tragedies. Othello is actually my favorite, with Hamlet running a close second. The show is going ok. It's a very big show for me. Lots of full changes and trying to keep track of wigs and facial hair and jewelry....all the frou that goes with the 1960's and 12 people playing 30ish characters. It looks fine. It just doesn't really excite me. Of course, these days, not much does. So life goes on. It's funny- I don't know if it's just because we're still in rehearsal or what- but it seems that things haven't gelled yet- or it could be I just don't like this play. While I am a fan of the Shakespearian tragedy- I have been known to laugh out loud at the comedies- and it just hasn't happened yet. We do have such a short rehearsal time now- I can't imagine having to capture all the nuance of Shakespeare in such a short space of time- kudos to the actors and director for going for it. So we'll see what it all ends up like. I really love well done Shakespeare. I saw a production of Othello when I was in grad school that had Campbell Scott as Iago- he was amazing. And his dark red leather doublet was to DIE for. I happen to be a fan of Shakespeare done in non-19th/20th century periods... There's just something about all the big-frou costumes that matches the language... The stories are timeless- but it's just more fun with big clothes. It makes everything so...epic. I like the histories too, I confess that when I saw Kenneth Branagh's Henry V- his rousing monologue made me want to kill the BAD french guys who killed all the British pages (oops- spoiler alert) which was VERY bad form for war in those days.... So that's my 2 cents for the day about Shakespeare. Good old Willy.

In other news- the battle with the depression continues. There are good days and bad days. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday- so we'll see what that turns up.

On Thursday- we take down Marty's art in West Seattle and put mine up. Because...why not mount an art show during tech? I am such a goober- I wasn't paying attention to the calendar when I said yes. I have one piece to finish and Marty will help me with all the labels and such- he's awesome and all will be well. If you want to check it out, it'll be at Hotwire West in West Seattle- the art walk is on Valentine's day.

We open AYLI on Friday and then...I will be taking the following week off. I will go in for meetings and that is IT. I've worked a lot of crazy hours- so I need a bit of time. Monday is Marty's birthday- we'll go out to dinner with friends. Tuesday, I'll clean the house and my dear friend Deanna is coming for a week- so it's nice I'll be able to take some time off to play. And then, back to normal. The next show for me is Doubt, which is a play that I really like AND I will be renting most of the costumes- so it should be relatively easy compared to the stretch of insanity that started last April. So that's the news and the update. Marty should be home soon from his first "Art Party"- hopefully it was a grand success- I look forward to hearing about it.
Th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks....

No, I haven't fallen off the planet...

I am here. It's January, it's raining. Whoo hoo.

The holidays were an adventure- check out Marty's blog for all the gory details. Suffice it to say, while I was so happy to see family and friends, it was not a restful time for me and I was happy to come home. When we returned home, the boys were happy to see us and did well boarding at the vet (yay). I went back to work on Friday and by Friday night, felt like POOP. Yep, I caught the nasty cold going around and was pretty much useless for the whole weekend. I actually slept most of the weekend when we got home.

Since then, it's been hard to get back in the routine again. This time last year, I was also having a hard time. Things that make you go hmmmm. Work is busy- we're doing Shakespeare, As You Like It, with 12 people who change eighty kabillion times. So that's a bit of a challenge. We're setting it in the 1960's. For the record, I've watched some 60's movies for research (Easy Rider, Across the Universe) and I, for one, am thankful I was not a child of the 60's. I did not enjoy the "trips" at all. But we press on and I think the show's costumes will be fun.

At home, Christmas is, for the most part, put away. I still have to do a new Christmas Card list and I left the mistletoe up accidentally. This week, Marty was in the West Seattle Art Walk and did an online video interview for the West Seattle Herald (check out his blog to see it- it's pretty cool). He's such a stud. Tonight he's in the Ballard Art Walk. I tell you what, he's kicking butt and taking names. I am very happy for him. I really think that this year, he'll have to seriously consider being a business. He's sold something every month for the last 3-4 months. His little funny collages are selling like hotcakes- they're really a hoot. He cranked out 10 this week to take to Twilight- they needed more. Go, baby, go!

As for me, I am really battling some depression. I keep going because-well, what else are you gonna do? But nothing really excites me anymore and I just feel tired a lot and I don't really care about stuff...but I do care. I don't know. I just know that I've been battling it for a year or so, I am sick of it. Marty is sick of it. And I feel terrible because he has to put up with me and he tries to help- but nothing really does. I know that it's me that needs to change...but I don't know what to do or how to do it. I've been praying, but so far, nada. I am just not myself. I was really disturbed by some of the stuff I saw happening in my family when I went home and that has me down. I worry that I am failing Marty all the time and that has me down. I worry that I am failing God all the time and that has me down. And I just can't "fake it" anymore. I am due for a physical in February- so I will talk to my doctor then. In the meantime, I will keep on keepin' on- because I don't know what else to do. But for all you prayers out there- feel free to pray for me. Signing off for now, be patient with me.