Monday, October 27, 2008


That's what it feels like. I am in a whirlwind of spiritual warfare. Many people may not know what I am talking about, or what I am feeling, or may attribute it to stress or hormones, or whatever. They can poo-poo it all they like. But I know what it is. I know that the devil has always had a keen dislike for me. I know that he knows all the buttons he can push with me, all the things that hurt me the most- and dang skippy- he's shootin' with both barrels at the moment.

Work is stressful (when isn't it?) - there is just too much to do and not quite enough manpower to do it.

I am heading up a major outreach at church this week that is FINALLY starting to "click" into place. (Thank you God!) And I am sure that the devil isn't doing the happy dance about that.

He is attacking those nearest and dearest to my heart- friends, family...people I truly love. He is trying to isolate and divide, and at the moment, the lies are working. Frustration mounts. Disappointment and disillusionment and unforgiveness reign. I can feel that isolation and division trying to creep into my own heart- and while I resist, I don't really know what to do about it. I have faith that there is victory- but I do not know what that journey to victory looks like at the moment, and I am ever so weary.

And through it all, through the confusion, through the pain, through the frustration. I press in and I pray. And I KNOW that the devil DEFINITELY is NOT doing the happy dance about that.
Friends tell me to "Trust God." And on a deep level, I do, I really do. But I could really use a boost of encouragement to the deep, deep places that only God knows about- a breakthrough in the bone-deep sorrows I carry that only He knows about. But instead, I see the arrows of the enemy flying around me- hitting their marks- and no matter how much I pray....
But having done all, I will stand, and I will hope, because the alternative is unacceptable.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Simple life....

Yeah. Right. I wish!!! How is it, that when we want to make life simpler, things get more crazy? I know I am not the only one feeling this. It seems to be in every arena of my life at the moment.

At home, things are breaking right and left... What the heck? From little things, like small family heirloom knick-knacks that only matter the the CAR! And of course, we have some savings, but in these wibbly times with Christmas coming, we are trying to be prudent and wise....

In the nation...well, yikes. Of course, I can't help thinking that the disaster that is the economy is just reaping the greed, selfishness and arrogance that was sowed...however, it's not just the perpetrators that are reaping, but some of us along the way that tried to live smart. I keep hoping that our country will get an attitude adjustment and some perspective on what really matters and that mass consumerism is not the answer to happiness. And entitlement is not a given- ooooh, the arrogance and entitlement I see just chaps my fanny!!!
Then the election! UGH. It makes me crazy! I am getting hate mail from everyone down south about Obama, and getting hate mail from everyone up here about McCain. It is RIDICULOUS. I don't like EITHER ONE of them. I don't feel comfortable about someone who hasn't even served a full term in the senate thinking that qualifies him to run the country in one of the most difficult times in history (who knows, maybe he can) and I don't feel comfortable about someone who seems to be having some sort of belated mid-life crisis and is running amuck in his campaign- seemingly operating out of his emotions. And all the media bruhaha spreading lies and confusing things...come on. Really?
But in it all I choose to trust God. That He is working all things for good- in the economy (remember, He disciplines those he loves) and in politics...ok, I confess, I am having a harder time with that one....but I CHOOSE to trust Him anyhow.

And the I don't know what to think there. There's all this talk of "simple church" and change, and quite frankly, things seem to be getting more complicated and nothing actually seems to be changing. It's wearing me out a bit, and it's discouraging. There are some wonderful folks in our congregation, but it's as if everyone thinks someone else will volunteer or serve. Now, I know this is not a unique problem, but still... it's frustrating when you are trying to plan an event. And I've really been thinking a lot about accountability and integrity- which makes me not want to say too much here, because there are things that I am still working through and praying about. I just don't know. Perhaps it's just an issue of having different values than others.

I am also trying to get ready for Trunk-or-Treat and for the Christmas Bazaar at church- the goal- 80-100 ornaments- I've done 60. So, in addition to everything, I am madly trying to make things as well. I think I am on crack.

At work,'s CHRISTMAS. And 95% of the 3 touring shows and mainstage show needs to be done by November 17th! By the grace of God, we'll make it and I am sure it will all be fabulous, but holy cow. This constant breakneck pace....oy! Speaking of which, I have scads of laundry and ironing and mending to do today...I had best get to it. How I long for the simple life....

Friday, October 03, 2008


I was reading on the "Between Journey" blog today about how someone held Jeff accountable for the fact that he's been pushing the spiritual gifting seminars without giving anyone any info about it. Good for her! You go girl! That is really hard to do- on both ends. It got me thinking a bit about accountability- especially in this time where the economy is going willy nilly because of the supreme LACK of accountability...SEE PEOPLE?! When there is no accountability, things go willy nilly and sometimes, the consequences are dire and quite painful.

It's just so interesting to me. I feel like what God is having me "work on" in the past bit 'o' time is that whole accountability thing. Not only for myself (I try really hard to do what I say I will, I usually do, but's a bit later than I would like to) but...and this is the terribly hard part for me, for others. I feel like God is calling me to "speak up" and hold others accountable. To me, this is...terrifying. I can do it, but usually I wait until I feel backed up against a wall, and then I get all emotional- usually not about the issue at hand, but about the fact that I have to BRING IT is very, very stressful to me. Especially in dealing with someone who might be considered an authority figure. Seriously, it FREAKS ME OUT. I really believe in honoring authority- and have had some bad teaching taking that concept to the extreme, as in "honoring authority" means NEVER questioning it- even when leadership is running amuck. I am still unlearning this, and I think it contributes to the stress. But I am getting more and more convinced that a lack of accountability is wreaking havoc in our society. It's more obvious in the economical and political arenas, but it's pretty bad everywhere else too.
I am starting small. I told the children at the Northwest Church that I would hold them accountable for passing out invites to Trunk-or-Treat. I put it in plain terms. I told them,"I will come back and make sure you did what you said you would, because if you didn't, what does that mean?"
And they told me the truth. "It means we lied."