This has been an interesting time for my life. I am still deeply mourning the loss of my kitty, Mickey. It strikes me at odd times and breaks my heart. Yet at the same time, I sense there is change in the air. I can feel it.
What do I feel? I'm not sure. I am restless. I am frustrated. I sense a disturbance in the force- God is on the move. But I don't think we're moving in the same direction as most of the people in our lives are. I don't know what it means. I don't know what the future holds. A long time ago, someone was praying for me- prophesying-and she said, "What God is doing in you is so big that it cannot be contained in four walls." That has been on my mind and in my heart very strongly over the past few weeks. I feel as if my walk with the Lord has opened up. I am growing. I am seeking. I feel grounded. I feel peace. I feel free. I know that seems contradictory with the restlessness and frustration. But the grounded, peaceful freedom- that's ME. The restlessness and frustration is a circumstance and a situation that needs to change. It's been around for months. Marty feels it too. But change is hard, no matter what. And I am afraid. I am afraid of losing friends that are in the process of being made. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of not having a place to lay my head- so to speak. But I know God is with me. I know He is so unbelievably big, so unbelievably sovereign- that I can barely begin to imagine it. I know He is for us. I know that He has a hope and a future for us. I have no doubt about that. But I doubt my courage. I doubt the fragile bonds of friendship we have built that could break with one decision. I don't know if people would understand what they don't see themselves and trust that we are following God.
I had a dream last Sunday night. It's a dream that troubles my days. I don't want to write what the dream was as I know it would needlessly upset some folks who are faithful enough to actually read my blog. I have sought advice and prayer about this dream. The implications are not pleasant. But the dream brought me hope. The dream showed me that what God is doing in me is getting ready to flow in a new way. If you pray, I would appreciate prayer. Prayer that I am hearing clearly. Prayer that the timing is right. Prayer of protection over relationships. Prayer against fear and doubt. Prayer for confirmation. Prayer that I really don't screw this up. It is what I have heard of called a "kairos" time- a key moment in time. I really don't know what to do.