Monday, April 14, 2008

Dream, dream, dream

Someday, when I am in heaven, I intend to have a little chat about the whole dream thing. Last night- I had some CRAZY dreams. Most of them I can't remember, but one of them involves a little girl named Aria- daughter of friends of ours. Aria is 4-5ish. She is GORGEOUS. I love to look at this little girl, and it's not just because she is pretty- which she is, but there is something about her.... She has dark hair and eyes, she's feminine but not prissy. She seems to be very certain who she is- at least during the encounters I have had with her. She is very genuinely her- no airs, no self-consciousness- just wonderful, beautiful her.

So anyway- last night I have this dream about her. It's HILARIOUS. I am with her. For some reason, she is temporarily in my care. We are standing in a very crowded place with lots of people milling about, hence, I have her very firmly by the hand. We are standing about 10-15 feet away from some bathrooms. We stand there for a few minutes as several men enter the men's room. All of a sudden, Aria jerks away from me and starts booking it toward the men's room. I yell, "Aria! Wait!" But she runs on, very determined and yells back,


And then she disappears into the men's room.

I FREAK OUT. Seriously. FREAK OUT. In a split second, all of the following goes through my mind:
"OHMIGOSH! OHMIGOSH! She can't go in there! It's the men's room! She's LITTLE! There are A LOT OF GUYS in there! Their willies will be out! She can't see that! I need to go in there and get her! I can't- I can't see that! But it's more important she doesn't see that! What do I do? What do I do?"

Seriously freaking out. I look around, my husband is nowhere to be found- everyone is a stranger- then I see our friend Jeff way across the room and I yell,
Wisely, Jeff senses the panic in my eyes and voice, I point towards the men's room, "Aria is in there!" He heads in.

I wake up.

What the heck?

Let them walk.

My friend, Jeff, said this in his latest blog entry...

"But none of those I care about belong to me, and they will walk as they will walk."

Boy, ain't that the truth. He was talking about seeing some healing starting to happen in some of his friends. And I just thought that simple statement holds a WHOLE BIG BUCKET LOAD OF TRUTH. But to add to it, we must trust that God loves those we care about and is even more concerned with their welfare than those of us who love them best. For as much as we have their health and well-being in mind, God has so much more love for them than we do. And He has time, and grace, and patience... all those things we seem to lack when we see our loved ones hurting. I know that I want to see those that hurt around me to be whole and healed- but all I can do is pray. And love. And I do those to the best of my imperfect ability. And then I have to trust Him to do the rest, and trust that He can work in those I love- which I do. Afterall, He worked wonders in me. I was SUCH a mess. Wow. Yikes. Hallelujah. : ) If He can do it in Paul, and He can do it in me......

Friday, April 11, 2008


If you checked out my husband's blog, you know that we're only a week away from vacation. I really, really need it. Seriously. I woke up this morning and was so...agitated...I guess that's a good word, that I am amazed and extremely thankful for the grace of God that got me through the day. After weeks of doing "catch-up" work at work, now it's time to get a show up and we're a little behind schedule due to several things- coordinating schedules with the guest designer being a primary issue- but things are under way and all will be well. I need to get some work on Big River done before we leave and all sorts of other details at home and at work... Why is it that things always seem to get even crazier before a vacation? I feel like I have run out of steam. I need a change of location and pace, I think. I just pray we can get to Florida. We're flying American- 'nuff said.

I am trying to listen to God and figure out how to live my life with less stress. Most of my stress is work-related. I'm not sure how to deal with that- since nothing seems to change. We had a staff retreat last week and talked about respect and trust and all that good sort of stuff. It was a bit eye-opening for me. I realized I don't fully trust folks. I think it's because even if we discuss issues, nothing ever really seems to change. Little improvements- material improvements, are made over time- but the important stuff, relational issues and such- no change. So I guess it makes me feel like if we are "discussing issues" that it's just "talk," and what's the point? It just feels like we're going in circles, talking about the same issues over and over again- and some things are polarities- and will always be there- and that's fine. I can deal with that. But I'm tired of not feeling safe enough to talk about stuff that actually matters. I'm tired of "christianese" in all arenas. Surely, Jesus could have cut to the chase and would have been able to speak the truth in love. I feel like all we want is love, and not the truth. I know I'm not a fan when it's a truth I don't want to hear, my defenses go up...but then I realize it is TRUTH and I suck it up and deal and am usually a better person for it. I know there are tasks to be done and task people to do them, but here's the deal. ALL OF IT WILL COME TO PASS. People are the things that are eternal. Relationships are eternal. Stuff is stuff. I don't know- my brain is tired from keeping all the plates spinning. I need to let them crash. Sadly, I don't know that I can let them crash. Sigh. I guess I am just feeling fried and a little blue. And today is the month anniversary of Max's death. Marty is at band practice, preparing for a friend's birthday party tomorrow. I think I am a little lonely. I went for a lovely long walk this evening and enjoyed all the flowers, and got a little depressed at the fact it seems like we'll never be able to afford a home of our own. I just don't know what to do with myself this evening. Bummer.

7 days until vacation.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Ho hum.

Well. What to say. Not much going on here. But I think that's okay. It's nice not going a kabillion miles an hour and have something happening EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY for a change.

We opened Doubt last week, it's getting great reviews, but not selling so hot. I think we'll see the trickle down effect of the economy at the theatre this year. I am also starting research for Big River and we'll start the next show (which has a guest designer) next week. I'm using the "down" time to catch up on projects I never have time to do around the shop- so far, I have purged wigs (thrilling) and patterns and have reorganized all the make-up and hair bobbery. Tomorrow, I am purging and reorganizing the craft shelf and maybe the fabric. WOW. I tell you, theatre is ALL about the GLAMOUR and the MONEY.

We saw Cabaret at the 5th this week. It was....very red. I enjoyed it- but I felt it was very surface-y in some ways- I felt it could have gone deeper, but I still enjoyed it. The "emcee" was a hoot!

I read the New York Times everyday online- about the economy, the presential race, the state of life, men's fashion, Patti Lupone on Broadway- and I really wonder...what the heck is going on? I feel like the world is going kablooey. But God is good all the time. And I am very certain that Patti totally ROCKS Mama Rose.

It's spring. It was a beautiful day today- I highly enjoyed my walk home and the daffodils are out, the tulips are starting...I just loooooovvvveeee flowers. I am very much looking forward to setting up "my room" on the porch when we get back from Florida. Of course, Marty is VERY welcome out there- but he's not good at tuning out the traffic. But I love to sit out there and Mickey loves to join me. So this year, I'll plant green beans, peppers, tomatoes and herbs. I have decided to do more flowers this year. Sadly, the obese mouse has returned and will have to be trapped, all the decorative cabbages had grown back and then we had a cold snap- and now, they are stalks. At least I won't feel bad getting rid of the cabbages now- I am a sucker for a comeback. The mouse will have to go before we plant the veggies though. I hate that- wish we could all live together in peace...but..... Anyhoo, when we get back from vacation, I will put out the indoor/outdoor carpet, the will be delightful. I just love to sit out there and read. I pretty much read the entire Harry Potter series out there last year. Don't know what I'll read this summer.

Other than that-I have been missing Max deeply lately. It's been hitting me hard- he'll be gone 3 weeks tomorrow- it feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. I guess it's really sinking in for me that he's really, truly gone. It sucks.

Lots going on at our church with all the changes and such. We're gearing up for Pentecost....I'm looking forward to it- I think something is going to shift- there will be a release, I hope, of God's spirit. People are hungry for it and God is faithful...we'll see how it goes.

I am looking forward to vacation. Hopefully, the weather will be nice. We plan to take a sunset dolphin cruise and do some shopping and chilling out at the beach! WHOO HOO!

Enough rambling for now. Life just goes on.....