Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday

Well, it's true. God is good all the time. Even when your jeep breaks down and you have it towed. It's not raining. The mechanic fixes it in great time- and while it's a hit to the finances, I am thankful we had the finances to hit. It was a beautiful day. Dress rehearsal went well, there's a page of notes- but it's mostly my perfectionism that I actually have time to pursue. There have been a couple of answered prayer requests today as well. I'll keep those to myself as I am expecting more fruit to come.

The Max sized hole in my heart is still pretty huge. Bedtime is still very, very hard. Mickey stuck pretty much in Max's chair today. I know that he misses him too. Mickey is pretty social, and while he did indeed pick on Max, I am sure it was because Max was HIS baby. I am thankful that my heart can grieve, that it is not hardened by cynicism and life. I am thankful that while I can recognize that others have much bigger burdens to carry, that God knows that I am hurting and that matters to Him. I am trusting that Max is with Him, whatever that means. I can still cry for my baby and it's ok.

We visited the Stations of the Cross today at church- it was such a nice experience. The art was great and appropriate, the atmosphere was condusive to meditation and prayer. The music and lighting were great. I think God was pleased and pray that people were moved and blessed. I am happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm thankful that we got to go, considering we thought we might miss it with all the drama of the car. We missed the Taize service (I had to work) but I am sure that was fantastic too.

I was encouraged by one of the actors in Doubt. Her faith is amazing, her father-in-law unexpectedly died, her mom is sick and a whole bunch of other stuff is going on. The POOP has hit the fan, people! But still, she knows God is good. As do I. God is good. Even when the poop hits the fan. All the time. He is good.

One Week

It's already been one week since we put Max to sleep. It's hard to believe, we still miss him so much. It was just this time last week that I was getting ready to take him to the vet, not knowing that he wouldn't be coming home. We're doing ok. It hits us at odd times, night time is brutal because we no longer have the routine of spending time with him and checking on him. Sometimes I still forget he's gone and will look to check on him in his chair. Grief sucks. Mickey is doing ok too. I think he's lonely. He didn't see me take Max, so Max just sort of disappeared. The first day or two, Mickey was all about being the center of attention, now, not so much. But I think he's adjusting as we all are.

On Monday, my WONDERFUL, AWESOME, BRILLIANT and TALENTED husband threw me a birthday party. All my wonderful and generous friends that could be there helped me celebrate turning 38 (how the heck did THAT happen?) I will be using my birthday money to buy a painting by Diane Culhane.

The rest of the week was quite normal- we're getting ready for dress rehearsals for Doubt that start tonight. It's pretty quiet. I'm sure I'll have notes, but I need to see everything on stage first. Today we'll go see the Stations of the Cross at church. We both have artwork in it. This weekend is Easter. I'll spend most of it working. I'll be sharing my thoughts at communion on Sunday and praying. I have been thinking about victory. What the victory of the cross means to us in this day and age of the economy going kablooey, the housing market looking like it's DEFINITELY built on sand and a presidential race that's a bit of a circus...I don't know- these thoughts just all bang around in my head. We'll see how they all come together.

We miss you, Max.

Happy Easter. He is risen, He is risen indeed.

Friday, March 14, 2008


Max is gone. As most of y'all know, he's been going down hill for over a year now. Chronic constipation and arthritis and the Lord only knows what. It's been terrible to watch my "kitten," who was still a kitten when he was 11-12 years old suddenly get very old. He's always been a baby. And like I have blogged before, he loved Marty- he was his baby too. So he started his usual routine of being constipated this week and we have been watching him. But something in my heart just shifted last night. I got up early this morning and spent 45 minutes of extra mommy time with him, and I am so glad I did. He purred and was content and he was so beautiful. I called the vet when I got to work and told her what was going on and we talked about doing x-rays and bloodwork and an enema (what feels like his kabillionth) and then I went and picked him up and took him in. It had not occurred to me in my conscious thoughts that I would put him to sleep today. But after a long discussion with our vet, we just decided enough was enough and it was time. I was so tired of watching him hurt and not be himself. So I called Marty and he came over, we signed the paperwork and stayed with him until he was asleep. We loved on him and told him how much we loved him- and then we let him go. We left the room when they gave him "the shot." We just couldn't handle that. IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!
I know this was the best decision for him. I am trusting that he goes back to God- whatever that means in animal land. I know he knew God- he always wanted to be picked up when I was praying and he loved to be prayed for. Creatures know their Creator.
I hate looking at his chair being empty. I walk into the living room and he's not there and I hate it. I know he wasn't himself for a long time, but he was there. Wanting "mommy time." I am not looking forward to going to bed for awhile- that's when we had "mommy time." Before I would go to bed I would pet him for awhile and we would have a lovefest. I don't think Marty is doing much better. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves today. We didn't expect to put him to sleep today- I think we knew it would be soon...but not today. And on my birthday weekend. Ouch. Mickey probably won't start to figure it out until tonight. Max would be gone all day to the vet for the enemas, but he'd be back at night. Part of me thinks I'll have to go get him soon. But he's gone. There's a hole in my heart. I know some people don't understand how people get attached to pets...but that's their problem. We loved our boy and will miss him terribly for a long time. I am going to trust God that I can get to a place when I can look back and celebrate his life. He was a good kitty. He had an amazing knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He love to give you "kisses" and would head-butt you when he was happy. He was shy. His meow always sounded like a baby's meow. He was 14 1/2 years old and I got him when he was a kitten. He was a huge blessing to me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Thrill, the glamour.....

...that is my life. Truly, the paparazzi quake in their boots. Just kidding. So what's new? An elderly constipated cat (again) and work and art and church. Oh my.

It's been pretty quiet for me around Camp Taproot, for a change. In all honesty, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. So I am catching up on intern applications and weird little jobs around the shop. The next show is Doubt which is mostly rented from the Rep- so it's pretty easy. Which is DELIGHTFUL.

We took down my art show in West Seattle- no sales or anything-but I didn't really expect any. Now I am just working on my Stations of the Cross project for Good Friday. I have tossed 2 ideas SO FAR. Yikes. I think I had ideas that were too grand for the scale I am to work in, so, I am doing a Scrabble collage- which is fine, God always seems to show up in those collages.

I am still praying and seem to be doing pretty well in that area of my life. The depression does try and sneak back now and again, but not with the vengeance it did before. I am currently reading Captivating by the Eldredge's and it's quite an interesting read. It's a lot to think about. It's very intimidating to think of how much devil hates women....but then you think about how much God LOVES women...and there you go. Some interesting thoughts along the way...

-Eve was the last thing created- the pinnacle of creation

-Yep, she blew it BIG TIME, but in the original text, Adam was standing "elbow to elbow" with her, perhaps he could have said, "Uh, honey...I don't think you should eat that." But no, he just stood there. Like a lump. And ate the fruit. People are stupid. We do stupid things.

-As a result, the Curse. Men now have dominion over women...but this is a POST-fall development, they were equal beforehand. And I can't help thinking that if we're trying to restore things to as God intends....well, you fill in the blank. Suffice it to say, I think a lot of men are missing out if they don't allow women to be themselves in regards to God.

-God loves women. He loves the emotion and all the crazy stuff that makes men uncomfortable and want to back off. How sad. Women need their men, but men are scared they can't handle their women, so they back off and women feel alone (regardless of whether or not they are alone) and that nasty fear of abandonment that the devil likes to torture women with becomes this horrible cycle. You don't have to be physically alone to feel abandoned. I had no idea that this was a "woman-wide" issue. I thought it was just me being stupid and not having my crap together. But most women have to battle this. I used to have horrible dreams of Marty abandoning me- we call them the "Bad Marty" dreams- and the pain that is in my heart when they happen is undescribable. It's physical, it hurts so much. So many women, dealing with so much pain - from their childhood's horrible. Things that parents or schoolmates said haunt us. I remember when I was in middle school, I got in big trouble about something and my mom said, "I love you , but I don't like you." I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember that- but I have felt that my mother doesn't like me for most of my life. Seventeen magazine tortured us- what 12 year old needs kissable lips and a complex because she's not a size negative 6? As adults, we are constantly bombarded with the supermodels, Oprah's and Martha Stewart's of the world telling us that we are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, our house is not clean enough.....and then if you happen to go to church! Well, then you have to serve the church and pray and be all spiritual on top of all this other stuff. And there are plenty of Christian books to tell you how to be a "Godly woman." It makes me exhausted. We become spiritual "Martha's" who work and pray our tails off. And we are TIRED. I think about the Proverbs 31 superwoman and it makes me TIRED. Don't you think she was exhausted? Yikes. Life is hard enough without trying to be perfect. I for one, am totally guilty of trying to be perfect. I am tired. I just want to be me. Whatever the heck that means. I want to let it go and let Jesus free me and heal me from all the junk. So much junk- so many lies we buy into. My heart just hurts from it all.