Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Being Better

So I just read these two books this evening- For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn...they were very illuminating. I am a bit skeptical of "relationship" books- because everyone thinks they are the world's leading authority. Like the guy who just got married telling me why he kissed dating goodbye... whatever.... But I found these books very helpful. I didn't have any earth shattering revelations, but there were good reminders and some very practical "how to do this" kind of things. For instance, if you are clued in to any sort of Christian marriage counseling blah-bitty-blah...we all know men need to feel respected over feeling loved- heck, the BIBLE says that....but what does that MEAN???? ARRRRGGGG!!! HOW DO I DO THAT???? Believe me, after almost 2 years of marriage- I personally feel like I have no idea how to be a good wife. My friends tell me that this is normal- my frustrations and inability to communicate. That's comforting... I think.

My mother (whom I adore and admire for many reasons) like her mother before her and so on and so on...nagged to get things done. I don't want to do that- I don't want to be that way- I don't think it's particularly effective and it makes everyone miserable along the way. SO what do I do? I hide. And I do that at work too- I stuff it all down and then eventually it explodes and my poor husband is like "WHAT THE HECK?" But I think he would find the tips in For Men Only very helpful in dealing with me in those situations. (BIG HINT HERE) It was quite astonishing to find that I am not as unique as I think I am. : ) And comforting as well.

I think any man would benefit from reading For Men Only as it translates "woman-ese" quite well, in my opinion...it's bang on the money. And Jeff writes with great humor. I found the For Women Only beneficial as well, and I hope Marty does too. I went to a wedding this summer where the pastor talked about how marriage is all about two people who think they are totally alike trying to live together after they find out they are not- and there was so much truth for that. But I rejoice in the differences (most of the time) but I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, the world's leading authority on marriage...I wish I were, for my husband. Because he TOTALLY deserves the wife of his dreams and I want to be that. I want him to be proud and want to show me off and think I am the best thing since sliced bread...BECAUSE I love him so much and am soooo very, very proud of him and his talent and his art...and I appreciate how he helps around the house and I just think he's really cute, uh, I mean he's a big 'ol GRIZZLY OF LOVE. I meant my vows when I said them (although, it's all a bit of a blur now) so I really want my marriage to be AMAZING and AWESOME- but that takes work...I think it's totally worth it. I think Marty is totally worth doing whatever I can to be a great wife. I just hope I succeed more than I fail.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Doing Better

Thanks to all those praying types out there. I am feeling better and a little less overwhelmed. Thanks also to good friends who kick you in the tush and remind you what is what (Susan, Cassie) I am doing a little better. Tomorrow will be a "Shopping Day" so not as hard at work and I am taking Friday off...well...for the most part. I have to take the cat to the vet and go discuss Christmas musical costumes at night. I am really seeking God to order my days. I don't know that it's really working yet- but I ask Him every morning.

I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. But it won't really be home. Mom and Dad have the new condo- which I am sure will be fun and all...but I really would have loved to have taken Marty home. We'll spend time with my family and we'll take a trip up to Galena and visit the old haunts. I am hoping for a white Christmas- but not during travel time. I am looking forward to seeing my family- I haven't seen most of them in about 5 or 6 years. Many of my cousins have children I have never clapped eyes on. Several children. Wow. I can't wait to see Susan and raise a little "heck," of course, we're old and it won't be like the old days- lifecheck anyone? No smuggling 3 course dinners into the movies or anything...and that's just what is repeatable. : ) But true friends feel like they've never been apart, I notice. I am a little concerned about leaving the kitties in their old and fragile states...but I will have to trust God on that one. I'm not sure what to do about Christmas shopping this year- we've sorted out with Marty's family that we'll use what money we would spend on Christmas to have fun when we're on vacation in April....and that's totally cool with me. My parents...well, their love language is gifts- but we're trying to get them to reign it in since we have to bring stuff back. And I'm trying to decide if I should just do shopping there... I already know what I'm getting Marty. Hee, hee, hee.

Ahhh...October through December...the holidays. We've already had a couple offers for Thanksgiving- don't know what we're doing yet. We've also had an offer for a "Get-drunk-and-decorate-the-tree" party after Thanksgiving that I think sounds quite fun.... I guess they don't hang the breakable ornaments that day. I really like this time of year- it's like there is always some tangible thing to look forward to. First, we have Trunk-or-Treat at church- and I enjoy that. Then there's Thanksgiving- and I have to say, sitting around a table and eating and talking with people you like and love is just about one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. And Christmas- more of the same...a big birthday bash for Jesus! AND you get to decorate your house!!! Dress it up!!! I LOVE that!! My poor husband.... I don't think he understands how much fun I have dressing up the house. I dress up people for a living- I think houses are as much fun. But I love this time of year. The leaves are gorgeous- in spite of all the rain- God's beauty is all around. It just feels like it's time to light the fire, gather up some loved ones, have some hot chocolate and oatmeal cookies, cuddle up and hunker down...all in a well decorated house.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


I am weary. Everything is ok. But dang skippy, I am DOG TIRED. Or should that be DAWG tired? I don't know. There is a lot going on in my world- and I feel overwhelmed and like I can't keep up. I've had 2 days "off" in the past 4-5 weeks and one of those was spent on the couch with a cold. Day and night I go, go, go, go.... I know I need to stop...I don't know how.

At work, we have a shortened build for the Christmas show- that combined with a lack of help...well, there you go. On weekends, I am in rehearsal....what weekend? What sabbath? And now- with my husband's art taking off (YOU GO, BABY! I am SOOOO PROUD!!!) there are openings and hangings and receptions- and I just can't keep up with it all...and that doesn't include- grocery shopping, paying bills, geriatric kitty care, house cleaning, preparing for trunk-or-treat...praying, praying, praying.....THERE IS SO MUCH TO PRAY FOR!!! And I just don't feel like I have the time or the energy.

There is drama at Taproot- it's just been a rough year. I am having "issues" that I need to pray through- try to figure out how to maintain my integrity, be Christ-like in my behavior (as much as I am capable of, at least) and not get walked all over.... They've hired 3 more people in the administrative offices... and after a year of hearing "We need to get production some help, we need to get production some help..." I confess- I am having some forgiveness and trust issues at the moment. I want to scream, to be honest. I mean- what is going to take? Letting a production go completely to crap? Seriously. I don't know that I can not do my best- I am not wired that way- so suffice it to say- THAT is creating some serious inner tension in my world and I'm not quite sure what to do with all of it at the moment.... and then.....

If you read Marty's blog- you know all about the letters, the whisperings, the gossip (from which we were thankfully excluded) about our church leadership. And today- Milt announced he was leaving. I could just feel all the emotion in the congregation and I couldn't help but cry (it sucks being an intercessor sometimes, well, not really) It's going to be hard...but I know on the other side- it'll be brilliant. I know it- because even though we were out of the loop- that's what God has been showing me about church for awhile- about last fall, I sensed that BIG BIG changes were coming- like the HANG ON TO YOUR BRITCHES kind of changes.... I felt that our good friend, Jeff Berryman- seriously needed to hold onto his britches- because of those changes...and now he's the interim preaching pastor. Well, color me shocked and surprised. In the practical- I had no idea how what God had shown me was happening in the spiritual would manifest- and it's all terribly interesting to watch- and still requires a great deal of prayer. I have been through hard times at church before. Some were handled well, some...not so much. I can't say it's something I enjoy. But I truly believe that God causes ALL things to work together for good- not some things, ALL things. He has been faithful. I hang on to that. And I do trust Him.

But I am tired. I am bone weary. I am emotionally worn out. I see no relief in sight.

That doesn't mean good things aren't happening. They are. That doesn't mean I am miserable. I'm not. I am just TIRED. And I am praying that God would refresh me and grant me the strength to keep going- because if He doesn't, I dunno.... I just don't know. I am forgetting stuff because there is so much going on in my head. I don't feel light burdens right now-which means I am probably doing something wrong, but I can't figure it out to fix it.... I would love a day off, but I can't figure out when to take it- there are meetings and fittings and matinees.... at home, there is grocery shopping, and cleaning, and vet appointments and I have to be out 3 nights this week...it just doesn't end. I know, whine, whine, whine...but you keep that up too long- you get burned out. My question is this...
What happens when you burn out and you have to keep going?