I was laying in bed the other night- praying, unable to sleep and had this revelation- which led to some repentance- the boohooing variety- about how arrogant I have been in the past in regard to prayer. I had wrong thinking that knowing Jesus gave me the right to go to God and demand what I want. I think I misconstrued that "boldly before the throne of grace" thing and I left out the grace part. We can come boldly- but with humility- if that makes sense. I guess I just keep thinking about what Randy Rowland said about churches that teach holding God to His promises- Randy said he didn't recommend that kind of thinking. God is sovereign. That stuck with me. I have had some teaching to that effect. And I realized that it's so presumptuous. And I realized that I have been presumptuous. God is sovereign. I keep coming back to the image of the parent with the whiny teenager going, "But you promised!" What good parent would give in to that?
I don't know- I am still trying to figure it all out. The more I seek, the more I see it's all about grace. Everything is grace. We went to see Les Mis last night at the 5th Ave Theatre. It was wonderful. As a play and as a story. I didn't realize how much God was in it. Les Mis was so much about grace- it blew my mind. It was so beautiful. The grace given to Valjean and that he proceeded to extend to others was gorgeous. And was he perfect? Hardly. A flawed human being walking in grace. It was...words fail me. But we are flawed humans walking in grace. How often do we extend it?
And I think- Jesus was grace- not making demands of His Father, but cooperating with His Father's will. "Not my will but Yours, Father." That is what Jesus wanted. And He had all the authority and power in the world. I think there have been times in my life- that I have been so proud and arrogant about being a christian- and I see the damage that arrogance does- to people, to the reputation of Christ- and I think- how awful to have been a part of that. And I was a part of that. I don't want to be a wimpy christian- but I don't want to be religious and militant either (and I have been both) I guess I am learning what the balance is. Sometimes, it feels like I am going crazy. I think the whole "good christian" thing is ingrained in me as a performance thing- and I don't pray enough, read enough, give enough, care enough, love enough.... and I don't know what to do about it- in my own strength- I just can't. So I am choosing to trust God. He knows who He created me to be. He will be faithful to walk me through this crisis of faith. I will do my best to be faithful to Him. And because of His almighty GRACE- I trust that it will all be alright in the end.

Grace in a busy world.

Grace. What is it? Heck if I know. But I am determined to find out. Philip Yancey's book, What's so Amazing about Grace? has some excellent examples of grace and some interesting commentary about how grace and christianity relate to each other. In theory- they relate...in reality...not so much. I am on a quest to get a handle and a revelation of grace. That is my goal- why? So that I can "share the love" if you will. How can I, as a christian, extend grace if I don't "get it?"
Salvation is grace. It's probably the best example there is. Jesus took all my crap on himself and paid the price for it. Wow. He wrote His name over mine for all the bad stuff I've ever done. That is AMAZING! He loved me at my most unlovable. Wow. And believe me, there were some VERY unlovable moments along the way. I guess in my quest for "truth," I discovered that truth, Jesus style, goes hand in hand with grace.
I am tired of "performance christianity" where every denomination has it's own set of spoken or unspoken rules of how to be a "good christian." Really- what the heck? The set of rules I come from includes: be at church every time the doors open; give more than your tithe and if you don't double your giving (at least) every year-you lack faith; get your nails done; wear trendy clothing; drink coffee; be "relevant" (I think I am too much of a geek to be "relevant"- I just want to be truthful and true to who God has created me to be) set aside a specific amount of time to spend with God every day to pray and read the word (seriously, what a way to set yourself up to fail) never question authority (even if there's something morally questionable happening)- if you question authority, it's rebellious and dishonors those God has placed above you...and the list goes on. Anyone who doesn't think this way- well, they may be christians, but obviously, they are on the JV team.
Sad to say- I really used to think that way. Seriously- my mind got so small. And God's grace is so very big. I think that's how grace disappears- you get busy trying to be good- even doing good things. Then- there is no room for grace in your life. I don't want to live that way. I have friends who are overwhelmed with their lives and if God wanted to talk to them, well, short of a burning bush, He couldn't get a word in edgewise. What I've realized is this. He is SOVEREIGN. He is ALMIGHTY. He is EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME and if we'd just be still- we'd recognize the grace that is all around us and in us. This is the longing of my heart. Jesus personified grace- and I am not giving up until I really have a revelation of what grace is. I'm done being busy.

In whose image?

I've been reading Gregory Maguire's Son of a Witch. Today I read a section of it that struck me as a profound comment on popular Christianity and trends that we see happening in churches...
"In our house, we profess to believe that the Unnamed God has made us in it's likeness and its image, and this should have enlarged us to be like the Unnamed God. I fear in the Emerald City, they have remade the Unnamed God in their image, and that has belittled and betrayed the deity. Can the Unnamed God be belittled, you ask. No, of course not. But the deity can go unrecognized, and return to mystery... The Unnamed God retreats into mystery, and is not especially localized in my heart, my dears. Nor in the Emporer's. The mystery is as equally in your heart as in mine, and in...the spirit of the trees and the...the music of water. That sort of thing. In the memory of our elders. In the hope for the newborn."
I don't think Emerald City is the only place with this problem. We have a tendency to try to make God more like us- to like the things we like, to approve of the thinking and behavior we approve of, to be religious like we are religious...and we've got it all wrong. There is a reason that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. I am thankful for that. And I am pursuing my quest to find out His ways and thoughts and walk it out the best way I know how.

Salvation vs. Embarrassment

This is a topic that I have been pondering this week. We went to church at Northwest Passage on Sunday night- I enjoyed myself immensely. The message was based on Romans 1- where Paul talks about how he is not ashamed of the gospel. The preacher went on to talk about that Paul didn't think of the gospel as "the good news" but as the person of Jesus Christ. The gospel wasn't an "it," it was a "He." I just thought that was interesting. I don't know that I have ever really thought about it from that perspective. It got me thinking, am I ashamed of the gospel? Are we as Christians ashamed of the gospel? Have we become too relevant for the gospel? I struggle with the self- centeredness of many churches and the quest for "their best life now." I have been reading and noticing that I am not the only one picking up on this. It's become more about us than it is about Jesus and what he instructed us to do. As we visit churches, the one thing I ask myself is this- does everything that is going on point back to Jesus? If it doesn't- if it points back to "self"...Houston, there is a problem. I think the reason churches hurt their "children" is they lose track of Jesus and who He is. When churches get more caught up in who they are instead of who He is- then the balance gets thrown off and people get hurt. I think it's the same on an individual level as well. Isn't it interesting that we don't need to be taught to be selfish? Why are we more interested in a gimmick or a theme or a program than we are in the true gospel- the person of Jesus Christ? If we truly know Him, and His love and His power- wow. The power of the person of Jesus Christ and our salvation- it is stronger than anything- but how often do we forget that? How often do we get caught up in programs and culture and being seeker sensitive? There are several questions like this that swirl in my mind. And I am tired of them swirling. It makes me tired. Tired of catchy slogans and programs and culture. all this noise is crowding out my knowledge of the gospel. I just want to know Jesus.
The preacher also talked about how Romans 1:17 talks about how the righteous live by faith. Righteous meaning right with God, live life abundantly and faith. And he said something in passing that really hit me- faith is trusting God...with EVERYTHING. Trusting Him with my life, the lives of those I love...trusting Him with the state of our unjust world. Trusting Him with His imperfect Bride that He loves so much- even though we don't understand why. It's a pretty big concept to wrap your brain around. I'm still wrapping....Well, my beloved husband is here...'tis time for groceries.

Still Moving....

Well, the great mighty move across the hall continues. I spent the morning scrubbing the bathroom and working on the kitchen. The tiny old lady who used to live there wasn't very tall, and everything she couldn't reach is very dirty. Actually, things in general are quite grimy and taking a bit more scrubbing than anticipated at first glance. Thankfully it's just the bathroom and kitchen that need a good scrubbing and the bathroom is done. This is the part of the move that I DON'T enjoy. I am a bit overwhelmed in trying to keep up with all the paperwork of the move, legistics of dealing with the manager, calling everyone to get addresses changed, trying to get help with the move and whatnot. The physical moving is not a big deal- but I find all that legistical musical chairs very stressful and frustrating, especially since it usually involves spending several hours on the phone. I think it's harder this time- since it's been a whopping 10 days since we decided we were moving so everything has been a bit accelerated. So today, I need to get all the utilities moved and changed over and get the kitchen finished so that we can move in. I am feeling quite overwhelmed today. But I am sure it will be better tomorrow.

In Transition....

Well, if you read my husband's blog, you'll know we're in the middle of moving. Part of me really enjoys moving. I love "nesting" and fresh starts and making a big empty space seem like home. I do not, however, enjoy all the chaos that you live in during the transition. It's a totally different kind of move this time, I've never moved with another person before. Now it's all figuring it out and having to work with another person's opinion as well. It's quite an experience- but that's ok- it's a good experience.
Last night I was working on the linen closet. I feel terribly grown-up to have a linen closet. Somehow, over the years, I have accumulated many linens. I love antique printed table cloths from the 40's and 50's and have acquired more than I thought I had. It's nice for all these linens to finally have a home. We had a linen closet in the other apartment- but it served as the "studio" storage- so I had sheets, towels, tablecloths and various and sundry linens stuck in the oddest places. I am very happy they have a home now.
While I was working on the linen closet, Marty brought the cats over. The older one, Mickey- was THRILLED to have such a grand adventure. In fact, he meow-yelled at me when I took him home. And he hollered all night to go back. Booger. However, Max, the younger- doesn't change living spaces well. He gets freaked out. So there he sat, in the middle of the big empty living room- looking pitiful and crying until Daddy took him home. I hope he survives the transition well. Those poor cats are 14 and 13 years old and have lived in 4 states and moved about 5 times, once all the way across the country, they are troopers.
SO that's taking over our lives at the moment. Moving. It's exciting- but like all change- challenging. Why is it that even good change is hard? And sometimes it feels like it sneaks up on you and everything changes at once. I think we're in one of those times now. Our home is changing, our art is changing and our faith is changing and growing. I guess if it happens quickly- you just have a tendency to flow with it instead of analyzing and fighting it. Well, that's all for now. I hope to be a better blogger in the future.

And after a couple whiles.....

Yes, it's been a "couple whiles" since I have last blogged. "Couple whiles" is a phrase coined by one of my favorite little people in the world, Summer Ledford. She used to say "I'll go to bed in a couple whiles Miss Sarah Jane." She said that when she was 3. I think she's 9 now. Heavens, how time flies.
So, now Marty and I are married. And yes, I finally got the flowers sorted out. $120 at Costco for fabulous roses the morning before the wedding. It was nerve-wracking, but they were beautiful....for the rest of the details, I highly recommend checking out my husband's blog- he's done an awesome job documenting our adventures pre and post wedding. And he knows how to post photos, which I don't. Needless to say- it was a BLAST! We really had a great time- and I LOVE being married. I'll love it even more when we really adapt to sleeping in the same bed, my friend, Rebecca, tells me she heard it takes 3 months. One down, two to go.....Have mercy. He's a thrasher and I hog covers- quite a combo.
And now we settle in for the long haul...and go straight into tech rehearsals for Taproot's next show- Voice of the Prairie. It's not a big show- but it's proving to be quite technically challenging in the costume department. Today will be the third time I take apart and put back together the garment I affectionately call "the dress from hell." I think this time will indeed be the charm. But let me tell you- this will be the LAST time I get an authentic pattern from the 1920's- the darn thing had instructions in ancient Mayan or morse code. Egad. Other than that- it's been nesting and shopping. Which has been fun. Marty is happy that he finally got his ginormous TV back into the house. I feel a little like I live in a bachelor pad- since our living room really isn't big enough for the TV- but I do admit it's nice to watch movies on and when we get a bigger place- it'll be brilliant. Well, I will hopefully do more blogging later- so my husband won't give me a hard time- but now- it's back to the dress from hell. God Bless.

Less than 2 weeks to go, and still...no flowers....

Two weeks until the wedding, and still... no flowers. I guess every bride has her proverbial "thorn in her side" and mine seems to be flowers.... Working against me: a tight budget and jacked up priced due to Valentine's day, time and the fact that I used to be a florist, so I don't trust anyone to do as good of a job as I know I can do. Let it go, let it go....Every morning, I lay those flowers at the feet of Jesus-and usually, I pick them up again at some point during the day. Oh well, all I can do is laugh at myself and trust God that everything will be brilliant.

I find it interesting that I do trust God so much... I don't feel particularly like I am doing things "well" lately in the spirituality department. I have a gift of intercession that is rusting for lack of use at the moment... I am not doing everything I was taught- the disciplined hour a day in prayer and in the Word, warfare.... I don't know. I feel like I have a better understanding of being in Christ and the authority that comes with it- yet I feel like- I am not doing anything with that authority? But I am still trying to open myself up to more creative expression, meditation, time with God- less restrictive- and I am praying that it's not just me being lazy. I want to be fruitful... It's a goal of mine to live a life of prayer instead of having a prayer life. I like what Oswald Chambers once said,"I never pray more than a half an hour, but I never go more than a half an hour without praying." How profound. It's so hard to be utterly dependent on God, and yet that is what He wants.... He knows the number of hairs on my head...but yet, we (I) can't trust Him with the flowers? What is up with that?

I've just spent the last 2 years pondering that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. I cannot shake that concept- or the fact that I believe none of us really have any inkling what it really means. We use that scripture to explain the unexplainable- good and bad- and leave it at that. But I don't think that's even the tip of the iceberg. I think it's a paradiem shift. I think things we consider important- God doesn't- and things we don't even think about- have profound affects on everything. It saddens me to see the church's definition of "success" become very like the world's definition of success....and as a "shiny happy christianity" emerges where everything is always swell, full of faith and "Praise God, brother!"- it makes me wonder- how can the unsaved in our lives see the working of our beautiful and wondrous Savior in our lives if we never need Him? I have looked and looked in my Bible and I cannot find that scripture that says, "Follow Jesus- you will be happy, healthy, problem free and able to abundantly finance the kingdom of God. You're successful as a christian if you have a problem free life, and can give financially and serve the church with your gifts." Yet, that's what I see being taught in some churches. Where is serving God with our gifts- in and out of church? Where is taking care of people who aren't in our little church kingdom who need help? For that matter, where is taking care of people in our little church kingdom who need help? Where is the reality of life here and now can be hard and it's ok? Why is it so hard for christian people to admit life is hard? People smile and raise their hands- but there is darkness in their eyes as their marriage falls apart and they are alone...they are afraid to admit doubt and fear because then they feel as if they lack faith and are bad christians. They are afraid to ask for help- to admit things are less than peachy. But that's why God wants us to be in community- to walk through the darkness with one another. We are supposed to support friends as character is built. I don't think God is threatened when we question and doubt- because when we question and doubt- we seek- when we seek- we find. And there is grace. I pray that I can extend the grace given me by God to others. I think the church would be in a lot better shape if that were a priority with it's members. Grace instead of judgement (not compromising character or truth- but letting go of opinion and personality) - there's a concept. And I think a lot of grace is allowing people space to go through their process and journey. I've had such a lesson in grace over the last two years- and I am so thankful for it. So very, very thankful. As I have doubted and questioned and grieved my faith- God's constant presence and faithfulness and love have covered me. It has set me free from expectation and performance christianity. And while I have not arrived, by any stretch of the imagination, I feel as if I am on track in a way I have never known in my faith- and this is the richest wilderness I have ever walked in. I look forward to the future, to the changes in attitude, thinking and love. My prayer is to be aware, discerning, open and teachable. I desire the truth of who Jesus is to flow through me and I have to trust Him for that as most of my walk with Him has been so immersed in "culture" I really have no idea what true walking with Jesus is. But it is the desire of my heart- and I trust Him to fulfill that desire.

This kind of thinking has emerged as I have had "religion" ripped out of my soul...a painful healing process. It was a process I requested, I prayed for....and as when one usually prays such a prayer- I had no idea what I was asking. "Lord Jesus, I don't want a shred of religion left in me, not an ounce. Whatever it takes." It's a scary thing to pray "whatever it takes"- because sometimes, it takes A LOT.... It's especially hard to pray it for those you love, at least for me, it's easier to go through hard things myself than to watch others go through it. I find that's true with Marty. He's been going through such a tough spiritual wilderness for the past two years, I don't know what to pray.... But I know this. The call of God is a mighty one on his life. It's strong- and he's called to be a revolutionist- and to bring change...and change is always hard no matter how good it is. And we always have to change before we can bring change- so our character gets worked on...and it's painful. But I can see prophetically the potential in him- and I know what's in there- even if he can't see it right now. And so I pray "whatever it takes, Lord" because I know people need him...they need what he sees and what he knows... they need his creativity- and mine. And we're called- and it will ALWAYS be a big battle, a fight- because what we see- we see as artists see- raw and true...and people don't like to be pushed out of their comfort zones. We just need to know what our venue of presenting Jesus is- how do we do it? Where do we do it? I am not one for being offensive for the sake of being offensive- but I also don't shy away from challenging people to think for themselves. I want to see people pursue Jesus for themselves- to not take someone's word for who Jesus is but to seek the Man himself....then to obey Him. Period. Jesus is where life is. Religion confines and kills. It especially kills creativity- even when it says it embraces it. Michelangelo said, "True art is but a shadow of the divine perfection." How true it is. I want to be a shadow of the divine perfection- I want people to catch a glimpse in the shadow that is so intriguing- they look for the source.

And so it begins.....

My fiancee seems to love the blogging thing- so I thought I would give it a try and let the world see my own path unfold and unwind. I'm not really sure how all this works- but here's to giving it a go. So what is happening with me? I am getting married in 3 weeks and still have no flowers....and I'm stressed. I am tempted to hire a kindergarten class to make some flowers for me. You would think that I could handle the wedding planning- I've done it at least a dozen times before for other people- but egad, I'm just a wreck. Oh well. It'll all be good in the end. It always is. I just have to remember that it really isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage and that I've got myself one wonderful guy. He's full of integrity, faithfulness, love and creativity- and while he does chap my fanny sometimes, I just can't imagine being with anyone else....amazing where life takes you sometimes.

This time last year- I was working in a craft store in North Carolina, packing up my home to leave Marty and drive myself and the cats in a U-haul all the way across the country. People are always amazed that I did that. To me, it just needed to be done. But I find that a lot in my life- people tell me I'm "brave" because I just will go when I need to go...I can't imagine being any other way- it's just how I'm wired... I mean, why not go live in Poland for a summer? So what if I don't speak the language- I'll learn..... oy, the things I've done.....ah, but I digress....

The show I've just designed costumes for is currently in the middle of it's first paid preview- seems to be going well as I listen to the audience reaction from the monitor in my office. I should mention I am a Costume Designer and Costume Shop Manager- it only took being out of graduate school for 10 years to actually get a job doing what I trained for and actually make enough money to live on. It's nothing short of a miracle- seriously- God opened a door, I walked through it- and drove the Uhaul across the country. I am constantly amazed at how interested He is in the details of my life. There will be more pondering of my faith and revelation in future blogs- but I am going to publish this to introduce myself and see what happens....so TTFN