Thursday, May 25, 2006

I was laying in bed the other night- praying, unable to sleep and had this revelation- which led to some repentance- the boohooing variety- about how arrogant I have been in the past in regard to prayer. I had wrong thinking that knowing Jesus gave me the right to go to God and demand what I want. I think I misconstrued that "boldly before the throne of grace" thing and I left out the grace part. We can come boldly- but with humility- if that makes sense. I guess I just keep thinking about what Randy Rowland said about churches that teach holding God to His promises- Randy said he didn't recommend that kind of thinking. God is sovereign. That stuck with me. I have had some teaching to that effect. And I realized that it's so presumptuous. And I realized that I have been presumptuous. God is sovereign. I keep coming back to the image of the parent with the whiny teenager going, "But you promised!" What good parent would give in to that?
I don't know- I am still trying to figure it all out. The more I seek, the more I see it's all about grace. Everything is grace. We went to see Les Mis last night at the 5th Ave Theatre. It was wonderful. As a play and as a story. I didn't realize how much God was in it. Les Mis was so much about grace- it blew my mind. It was so beautiful. The grace given to Valjean and that he proceeded to extend to others was gorgeous. And was he perfect? Hardly. A flawed human being walking in grace. It was...words fail me. But we are flawed humans walking in grace. How often do we extend it?
And I think- Jesus was grace- not making demands of His Father, but cooperating with His Father's will. "Not my will but Yours, Father." That is what Jesus wanted. And He had all the authority and power in the world. I think there have been times in my life- that I have been so proud and arrogant about being a christian- and I see the damage that arrogance does- to people, to the reputation of Christ- and I think- how awful to have been a part of that. And I was a part of that. I don't want to be a wimpy christian- but I don't want to be religious and militant either (and I have been both) I guess I am learning what the balance is. Sometimes, it feels like I am going crazy. I think the whole "good christian" thing is ingrained in me as a performance thing- and I don't pray enough, read enough, give enough, care enough, love enough.... and I don't know what to do about it- in my own strength- I just can't. So I am choosing to trust God. He knows who He created me to be. He will be faithful to walk me through this crisis of faith. I will do my best to be faithful to Him. And because of His almighty GRACE- I trust that it will all be alright in the end.

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