I am struggling.
Struggling at life.
Struggling at work.
Struggling with grief, with my emotions...but not with my faith, thank you, Jesus.
So...I shall dye my hair with purple streaks.
That is going to be my mid-life crisis, I think.
Struggling at life- I just feel like I can't keep up. I feel like work is so overwhelming, I am losing the things that matter the most to me...time with Marty, time with friends, time with the god-children...time.
When something comes up- a conference or training at church, comp tickets to a show....I am either working or so exhausted from working that I don't dare participate for fear of collapsing completely.
I wonder...what needs to change? Is there something inside me that can do better, or is it just how life is and if it is...how long is it sustainable? My sense is...not long. What to do...what to do....
Sustainability. This is how I struggle at work. Doing more work with the same resources. Supporting another set of programs in the new theatre without more working space or more people. It is not sustainable, and while there have been discussions about this....that's about it. How long can I keep it up? I am the primary breadwinner...how can I not keep it up? I just don't know. I'm not "phoning it in"- not yet...but I don't know that I am as invested as I used to be. I just can't maintain that level of energy output. I don't want work to be my life. I really don't. I don't understand that kind of thinking- of letting work consume you. There is a time and place for work...and that's at work. Then you should be done. But I feel as if I am the only one who thinks that way... and yes, I understand that theater is a consuming kind of work- but if we are on a mission to value people...shouldn't we be better? We talk the talk...and then we cave to society pressures of what they say we should be.
I have been pondering "TRUTH" as of late. What is truth? How do we be true? To ourselves, to others....truth. Jesus was true to himself. He just....was. I was reading to day that when Jesus walked on water...he was taking a short cut....to go on land to get where he was going would have taken days...so he just...walked on water. Because that's who He is. Why can't we be who we are? Why must we be social chameleons, so afraid of truth and full of the fear of man that we exhaust ourselves being who people think we should be? How is that love? I don't get it. I certainly am no pro- that's for darn sure...but I really want to just...be. Be who I am created to be. Not to have to fight the battles in lands filled with false intimacy, false peacekeeping and passive aggressive behavior. I am too damned tired. I want to enjoy people for who they are- and they are imperfect, just like me...and that is okay. Isn't it? Why isn't it okay? WHY?
And it's Mother's day this week. I am not doing well. Mom has been gone for 6 months...and I feel like it is just now hitting me. I've been super emotional- crying at every little thing. It's all so close to the surface...and I am frustrated, because I can't just BE. I can't grieve. I am in TECH. I have to get this show up, I have to figure out all this crap and make it work and make it beautiful...and that just hacks me off. When will I be able to stop working so I can grieve the death of my mom? How do I do this? The smiley veneer is starting to crack. I don't have it together, and it is starting to show. I am okay with that- but I am not sure how other people will handle it. Mess makes folk uncomfortable...heaven forbid.
Ach- well....things aren't all bad. It's spring, it's gorgeous here in the Pacific Northwest. God is good, all the time- and I have been reading a book about the personality of Jesus called Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge and it's brilliant. So full of...Jesus-y Jesus... the Jesus who was smart, and funny, and humble, and sneaky....and just bloody brilliant. I love him. He's not some watered-down, namby-pamby humanitarian. He was a radical, revolutionary, anti-religion true lover of folk trapped behind enemy lines....just doing his thing. Healing, loving, teasing, eating, dancing, storytelling, convicting....causing a stampede or two along the way. Brilliant. He's so fun and interesting...how did we lose that? No wonder people are leaving the church in droves...being "relevant" and full of hip culture only goes so far....
Blerg. Sorry I am such a mess. No. I take that back. I am not sorry I am a mess. Messy is where I am at right now, you can love me or not. That is your choice. But I am speaking truth. My truth.
I am tired to the point of being weary.
I am at a crossroads in my life....maybe. I don't even know enough to know if that is the case.
I am missing my mom...a lot.
I am grieving....and it is messy.
I want to do art, and don't have time.
I want to be more involved at church, start a women's ministry....
I want to spend more time with my husband.
I want to spend more time beach combing.
I want to spend time with my god-children.
I want to spend more time with my friends.
I want to spend more time reading and gardening and cooking and exercising.
I want, I want, I want.... greedy, aren't I?
So what happens now?