Imagine....a pondering of Advent and Incarnation.

Imagine, if you will…the love of a mother toward her newborn child. 

The awe as she gazes upon him.  The cuddles…kisses…tummy blowing….bathing…nappy changing….whispers of love and adoration. 

Delighted rejoicing when a milestone is reached- the first rolling over, sitting up, first steps…..

Celebration.

The love of a mother toward her child- there is nothing quite like it.
Remember, Mary was a mother.  His mother.

A mother who did all these things. 

A mother who loved Jesus, her child….God.

The Word made flesh.

The Creator of the Universes, giggling as his mom pretended to nibble his fingers and toes…

The Savior of the World, basking in the praises of first steps taken.

The Healer, playing peek-a-boo.

 

I ponder the intimacy of this mother and child’s relationship and can’t help but think how much God loved Mary.  How much He loved being loved by Mary.  To be so intimate- to be so adored, and cared for and known. To be the recipient of pure devotion and adoration.  Isn’t this all that God wants from us?  To be purely devoted and intimate with Him- to unconditionally love Him…for Him to be the Center.

How?
That is my question.  How do we be still, how do we know?  Through the knowing will come the devotion and adoration.  How do we rejoice in every little thing?  How do we even tune in so that we don’t miss it?

How do we tune in so that we don’t miss HIM?

These are the things I ponder in this season of advent and incarnation- and in the season to come.
To abide, to listen, to love, to bask and rejoice in his presence.

How?

Show me, O Bright Evening Star- guide me as I pray.

Selah and Amen.

Day 6....

Whew.
What a week.  Tech is always an adventure.  This one is exciting in that we are dealing with a bunch of make-up issues that we've never dealt with before that are VERY spendy.  Egad.  It costs a lot of time and money to make things look gross.  Hopefully, tonight, we'll have the best options working....we'll see...and I won't be a kajillion $$$ over budget....we'll see.  There is always one show every year that I totally under budget for...usually the "small" shows, that are never really that small.  I've learned a lot of cool make-up stuff... but it's been a bit stressful.

That being said- I can't really say that I have had a particularly enlightening holy week thus far.  14 hour days have a way of doing that to you.  I'm still having my quiet time, still praying...but no grand Holy week revelation...I'm tired (no caffiene during tech, remember?) and a  bit cranky (no sugar- aka my drug of choice) and just feeling like I have people coming at me every which way-as I am trying to figure out some of this stuff which is WAY beyond my experience or expertise...  At one point, I kid you not, I was on my work phone, I had a person in my office doing a rental, my cell phone was ringing, and I was trying to answer an urgent email that I had ignored.  I wish I could say I handled it all with grace and flair, but I would be lying.... It was more like, "WHAT THE CRAP??? Y'ALL JUST SHHHHHH.  I NEED TO THINK!!!"  I didn't yell that- but boy howdy, that's what I was thinking! OY vey.  Of course, as usual, these are terribly first world problems...but there you go.  Then there are the people showing up with returns and/or donations without an appointment in the middle of tech...And then you feel bad for being irritated because their lives are challenging as well.  Trying to walk in love is a booger sometimes, especially when faced with imperfect, broken, insecure people in trying situations...  sadly, it is less likely to bring out my inner loving Jesus than my inner loving kindergarten teacher who is more like, "TIME OUT.  On your knees!  Nose against the wall!"  For real, there were a few moments....

BUT I still have not cheated.   Which is HUGE for me.  For real.  Not a single tiny cheat, in the face of countless goodies surrounding me and the stress of tech. Grace for self-control for this eating thing this week abounds.  That in itself is kind of a miracle.  Somehow, I usually and unthinkingly pop a piece of candy in my mouth when doing one of these kind of things...but no, not this time.

Other foodie things I have learned:
Raw apples are so my friend.  I will not tell you why, but they are.
Avocados work pretty well as a mayo type condiment- on sandwiches, for egg salad...who knew?
Put a little chicken broth in quiche or scrambled eggs and they become quite creamy.
Sweet potato fries, 425 degrees, 15 minutes- 'nuff said.
I drink WAY more water when I straw is involved.

I think I will keep this "7" diet in my repertoire for the future, do it a few days before or after vacations- it's a great way to clean your system without going completely bananas.  And I still think about how I have variety in my seven foods, but so many other people in the world don't even have seven foods to even choose from.  It's pretty humbling.  Well that's all for now.  One and a half (ish) days to go!
Selah.

Day 4...

Day 4 begins.  No cheating thus far.  I took communion yesterday at church, however, I totally don't consider that cheating.
I miss tea.  Lovely, sweet, milky black tea.... but so far, that's about it for "missing."  Everything looks really good (walking through the food section of the Fremont Market was really interesting)...but somehow, the grace is there to keep going.
Still, I am getting a little bored.  Which is ridiculous.  Seriously.  But it shows me that I take food for granted, even when I think I don't.  This week I get to eat 7 foods (that I happen to like, by the way) prepared in different ways.  And it's a CHOICE.  I CHOOSE to simplify and cut back.  And I CHOSE foods that are, essentially, a balanced diet with all the nutrients I need.  I feel great- tech without caffiene is going just fine, I've busted through that "cussing" plateau at long last...all is well.   Because I have the luxury of choosing what I eat.

I can get raspberries ANY time I want to.  I may have to pay through the nose, but I can get them.  If I am willing to pay, I can eat anything I want to.  I have that kind of opportunity and option. I remember when friends of my parents came to visit from Russia, and they took them to a grocery store.  The Russians all started weeping because they had never seen so much food in one place.  And we get our knickers in a twist because we can't find the proper organic capers or whatever.  For real.  What is wrong with us?  I think it's okay to enjoy God's blessing and bounty.  Absolutely.  He is a God of more than enough.  Our problem is, we have no clue what "enough" actually is...so that we can SHARE the bounty. That is the point of bounty, to share.  Now, please understand, I do not have clue how to go about this at all. I always have mixed feelings when homeless folks approach me. I am ALWAYS happy to share food or buy food, but it's hard for me to give money- even though, once I give it to them, it's their responsibility.  But I don't want to pay for smokes, I just don't.  I want to pray for food, and housing and NEEDS vs. addictions.  I trust the Holy Spirit on this one.  I just don't know what else to do- but I am determined to sort something out.

I mean, really, we are so spoiled...and fat, and unhealthy.  From a food perspective, I don't think I am shocking anyone when I say America is a hot mess.  Marty and I eat pretty well, as a whole, but even we have issues.  Marty needs to start watching his sodium, and lo and behold, it's freakin' everywhere!  In vast amounts!  In everything!  YIKES.  But we get to CHOOSE how we deal with that issue.  We have the means and opportunity to eat a healthy variety of food.

Some people on this planet live on beans and rice EVERYDAY.  Can you imagine?  I am speaking to you, folks out there who can't even handle a day of leftovers (I am sometimes guilty of this)  EVERY...BLESSED...DAY.  Rice, beans, rice, beans, rice, beans, rice, beans.  A LOT of people eat like that in the world.  Many don't even get that opportunity.  They live on nothing.  Children live on nothing.  It's pretty sobering...so ponder that when you can't find your organic whatevers....
BE THANKFUL.  And share what you can, as often as you can.

Deep thoughts with Sarah.

Abba Father- help me to always be grateful and aware of the ways you bless me...they are abundant.
Selah.
Amen.

Day 1, the battle begins...

Well, I have been up for 5 hours and so far, so good.  Because, that is a HUGE accomplishment.  5 hours!  Wow.  Eesh.

Although- it's already been kind of interesting.

So- this week.  Food. 
I am eating only 7 foods for 7 days- to hopefully quiet my spirit, clear my mind, and if I am lucky- break out of this (cussing, bad words here) plateau I have hit with my weight loss.
The foods are:  chicken, eggs, whole grain bread, spinach, sweet potatoes, apples and avacados. I can use olive oil and salt and pepper and to drink?  Water. 
I was drawn to this particular mix of foods because it's pretty healthy and I like all the foods...so I figured- this will be easy!

Well, already- not so much.  For instance, when I was at Freddy's loading up on all my wholesome goodies yesterday- I just kept thinking how good all the OTHER food looked, I was particularly drawn to a $10 jar of pickles...seriously.  WEIRD.  And what the heck? TEN DOLLARS FOR PICKLES?????  Those pickles better freakin' fold laundry.  But I digress.   I did find it interesting- in the grand scheme of things- that by my very nature, the moment I "couldn't have" something, of course, I wanted it.  Which I think is pretty typical for all of us...why is that? 

Curse you temptation!  Adam and Eve, I blame you.  NooooOOOOooooo- harmony in the blissful perfection of creation wasn't good enough for y'all...so now, I lust after a $10 jar of pickles...thanks a lot.

Then I realized, it's TECH.  A week of 14-15 hour days.
I chose to do this during tech week because it would have less of an impact on Marty, who only likes half of the list.  But then I realized, NO CAFFEINE...during tech.  What was I thinking???!!! NO CAFFEINE DURING TECH???!!!  I must be smoking crayolas!  But there you are....and here I am...with no caffeine during TECH.  This should be interesting.  Sorry if I get a little crankypants y'all.  But...no caffeine during tech.  Sigh.

But that is okay.  Another interesting observation,  over the course of the morning- as I prep for 1st dress this evening (with the help of my fabulous intern, Kelsey)  I am noticing that normally, I am a bit of a snik-snacker.  And while I do record those calories (I am working with Loseit.com, and have lost about 27-ish pounds since September) I do still snik-snack thoughout the day.  And I can't...I can't just grab a piece of popcorn or a Hershey's kiss...and it's everywhere because IT'S TECH.  Ah well, Bob's your uncle. So I sliced up an apple and snarfed that baby down.  Interestingly enough- even with all the food I will eat today- and in spite of the fact that I won't be doing Zumba, I'm still about 300 calories below my daily limit- all with very healthy food...huh.

So this is...day 1.  Breakfast- a sandwich with egg, spinach and avacado (yum) - snack, apple.  So far, so good. 

OH.  The mountain of clothes on the couch, finally, on a wild hair- I purged all the clothes that are too big for me, and a third of my wardrobe is sitting on my living room couch waiting to be taken to a women's homeless shelter.  Embarrassingly enough, while no longer overflowing, my closet and dresser are still pretty full....and for your information, I gave away 3 of the 7 pair of sunglasses I mentioned yesterday, it would be 4, but I can't find the other pair....

The battle against excess begins...

I am on a quest.  I don't know if it's spring, and I always get the urge to purge in the spring...or if it's the fact that there have been 4 sizes worth of clothes overwhelming my closet and I just can't stand it anymore....or if I just need something "new" in my world...but I am ready.

I am waging a war on excess.  I blame it on my friend, Tanya.  She posted a link on Facebook to the blog of Jen Hatmaker. ( http://jenhatmaker.com/blog.htm) don't know why it's not linking- but that's me and computers for you.
 I blame her too.  So there was this wee link to Jen's book "7"- and I was intrigued.  So I purchased it for my Kindle and well, there you have it.  The war has begun.  I am only 3 chapters in and I am inspired, convicted...a wreck, really.  She took 7 months to tackle these various issues- I am doing a mini-version- and I'm going to take 7 weeks.  7 weeks to simplify, de-stress and make room for God in my world.  This might have been a great thing to do for Lent...but I'm a bit slow on the uptake- and I don't know that God particularly pays attention to our calendar anyway.  What is up with all the "NEW WORDS" that come perfectly coinciding with every new year?  Does anyone else think that's weird?
I think it's just a reflection of some of the things that I struggle with in the "Church"- I really liked what A.W. Tozer said:

Christianity today is man-centered, not God-centered.  God is made to wait patiently, even respectfully on the whims of men....to persuade these self-sufficient souls to respond to His generous offers God will do almost anything, even using salesmanship methods and talking down to them in the chummiest way imaginable. This view of things is, of course, a kind of religious romanticism which, while it often uses flattering and sometimes embarrassing terms in praise of God, manages nevertheless to make man the star of the show.

I suppose it could be comforting that there is nothing new under the sun....but I digress.

Meanwhile, back to making war on excess.....

So, in the land of the 99% and blah, blah, blah.  Imagine my surprise to find that I- who work in non-profit theatre in extremely spendy Seattle- happen to be in the 1% of richest people in the world!  Yep. I am affluent beyond what I can imagine.  We don't own a house- can't afford it.  We do have a nice apartment, a car (paid for, a magnificent gift of grace from me mum), running water, more clothes than we know what to do with (more on that later) and we can pretty much eat whatever we want and pay our bills.  More than enough.  But we live in a culture that tries to convince us that we NEED MORE.  And I buy it.  True story. The other day I bought a fabulous pair of sunglasses (Because the 6 pair I already own apparently aren't enough, but I do have a tendency to misplace them all the time, hence, I am justified...)  And a pair of super-cute vintagey 1940's-esque platform sandals because I had been watching them at DSW for over a month and now they were only $23!  Marked down from $100!  And, they aren't "high heels" but are super cute!  My justification?  My fat little feet can no longer handle high-heels (stupid middle-aged falling arches) and I NEED cute shoes...nevermind I wear tennis shoes most days.  Sigh.  I am part of the machine.

What to do?  I still blame you, Jen Hatmaker.  But you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me want to walk out my faith in a truly tangible way.  So here I go...gonna fight excess for the next couple of months, and see what happens.  Gonna blog about it so that I have some accountability.
Tomorrow- we start with the first issue...

FOOD. For 7 days, I will eat 7 foods...I am going to eat the foods Jen ate- chicken, apples, avacados, spinach, whole grain bread, eggs, sweet potatoes- with only olive oil and salt and pepper to compliment.  Water to drink.  Bob's your uncle.
I am doing it during tech so that I don't torture Marty too much.  It actually sounds pretty good to me, we'll see how it goes by the end of the week.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you about the ginormous mountain of clothes heaped on our couch that will make my husband roll his eyes and shake his head when he gets home today....TTFN.

Semi-annual update?

Wow. Totally sucking at the blogging thing lately. Really? Last post in July? You would think I don't think any more...well...there are days.....

I guess it's just quicker to send a shout-out on Facebook these days. Kind of a bummer actually. Although, I really love that this week I got in touch with people I went to elementary school with! WOW. So cool. Although, I wonder- when the heck did we all get so OLD? I think the best was a friend telling me that he remembered me smiling a lot, or as he said, "pretty much all the time." Since I remember myself being a bit of a crybaby- that was pretty nice! There are cool things about Facebook, although...SO not a fan of farms and mafias and whatever. Thank goodness you can block those applications.

So what is new? Not a lot. Work is work. We're in the crazy Christmas push when we put up 4 shows in 2 weeks- always a delight. We're in pretty good shape this year, thanks to the fact that we built part of the show last year before the fire. It was a little bumpy at first, since we lost the notes we made on all the garments, but we figured it out. We start dress rehearsals tomorrow-then it's 2 weeks of craziness and then life goes back to "normal."

Oh. And I got nominated for a Gregory Award for Outstanding Costume Design. I didn't win- but I was nominated by my peers- so that is indeed an honor. The ceremony was...interesting. I'm not a big "schmoozer" and now that I don't live somewhere that I am labeled an extrovert- my introvert has a tendency to show herself more- usually at these type of events. It made me start thinking that perhaps, if I can get it to work with my schedule, I think I would like to work at other theaters...we'll see how it goes. But it was an excuse to buy a posh frock and fancy schmancy shoes.... Grey lace and sequins on the dress- sparkly silver heels with bows! AWESOME.

On the spiritual front....hmmm....finding a lot more "rest" these days. I'm liking it. I think the most valuable lesson I learned this year was- while I may be valuable, I am not indispensable. Life goes on without me. SO freeing. I haven't mastered it yet- but things are better. As far as church goes- am exploring some options, opportunities...etc. etc. Just taking the next step- we'll see where it goes. Am still enjoying my ladies Bible study- very much. Can't help thinking that it's what God intended church to be all along- food, prayer, study, talking, talking, talking, talking. These ladies are so precious to me- my friends. I am interested to see where it all goes. Been having some of my freaky-deaky spiritual dreams- actually got an interpretation for one today. It's always amazing to me how God doesn't always give the big picture- but gives pieces to different people. I get the dreams and the end story, and my friends get the in-between, you would think God intended us to work together or something... But still- when I meet Jesus- I'm still gonna be all "DUDE. What is UP with the dream thing?" Okay. Maybe I won't say "DUDE"- but still...

So life is still life..the good, the bad, the ugly. Catch y'all in a few months.
Selah.

Selah...

Wow. I haven't blogged since I was 39! HA! So, now....I am 40- have been for awhile. Don't really have much of an issue with it except that I feel like I should have more wisdom. Eh. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.
Does anyone read blogs anymore? Or do they take too much time in the day and age of tweets and status updates?

Huh. You know, I really did have to walk to school uphill in the snow both ways when I was a youngster....although...I did have shoes. I remember the days when you went to the library to do research in BOOKS and you had to type it up on one of those new-fangled word processors- of course, that was in the day when you wanted to talk to someone, you called their house and if they weren't home...you called back later. Or if it was busy, you called back later. And cellphones were as big as a stereo. It's amazing how technology has advanced in 20 years- crazy. I think I have mixed feelings about that.

So what's up. Well....I have deep vein thrombosis in my leg- so I'm 2 months into anticoagulent therapy. That's delightful. I have to have frequent blood tests and be "consistent." Consistent in my lifestyle- which has been challenging since the only thing I am consistent at is being inconsistent. I did learn that anticoagulents and tech week don't get along well- my blood work went way wonky, but the good news is that it has stabilized and is in the target range now. I can't eat lots of green veggies or drink wine...or cut myself. Life sure is interesting. I'll have another ultrasound in the fall to see if it's gone and then....we'll see.

Work has returned to "normal" stress. Marty and I took a break back in March and went to Whidbey Island for some R&R- when I got back, I just felt like God was telling me that my perspective on my job didn't match His perspective on my job- and well, I needed to fix that. Thoughts that ran through my head at the time....becoming indispensible is rooted in pride... that His work should be able to continue whether I was involved or not and it was up to me to make sure that happened...that I am not my job, my job is not my identity.... there has been quite a bit of freedom in that arena. Theatre is all-consuming- that is the nature of it, but my outlook has and is changing...I look forward to seeing what happens. Right now, we are starting the fall touring company- this year pirates and superheroes- lots of fun.

I really enjoyed designing Man of La Mancha. I love the story. I love the period. As I was thinking about the performance I saw the other night this morning, I just had this profound revelation of how God looks at us. In the story, Don Quixote is convinced that the woman he loves (who is in reality, Aldonza, the whore) is the Lady Dulcinea- beautiful, pure and good. He sees nothing but the good. I think that's how God looks at us. How Jesus looks at us. At one point, Aldonza looks at him and says,"For once, please, look at me and see me how I really am." And he does- and he says,"You are my Lady Dulcinea." I think God knows how we really are- in our broken "reality" state- and He knows how we are in TRUTH- in our beautiful, pure state. Kind of amazing.
That's all nice and deep- but now, let's talk codpieces. I really wanted to keep them, make them subtle, but keep in the period clothing intact. However, once we saw the mock-up- totally obscene. Hilarious, but obscene- they had to be cut. However, the one we made is hanging on the bulletin board- so funny.

We took a trip to the Oregon Coast- of course, every time I go on vacation- I want to move where I've gone. But I really love the Oregon Coast- it stays cool. The Pacific Ocean is amazing and majestic and....loud. I love Haystack Rock- it was just so much fun to be on the beach and surrounded by the mountains. I love living in the Pacific Northwest.

The jury is still out on the whole subject of "church." I have really been enjoying the deep Bible study I've been doing with my "Bible Study Ladies" on the book of Daniel. I really want to read a Bible that is the scripture in chronological order. I think it's so fascinating. I really think it's amazing that pretty much all of the prophecy in the book of Daniel has already happened- down to dates! Crazy how specific it gets- just makes me want to go deeper and study some more. To me, that's church. I still really think "church" is supposed to be closer to what we consider small groups. Get together, eat, pray, study the word of God...share, love, fellowship...be. Sigh. Less service, more relational. What to do...what to do.....

So that's all the news for now. Upcoming events include a possible trip to Iowa (Kansas and Colorado on the road trip home) and a trip to Arizona. I am looking forward to that. I've never seen the Grand Canyon- so I am pretty pumped to hang out with my beloved, stinkin' talented artist hubby and my folks there.

Good night y'all. See you in a couple of months.....
Selah.

Almost 40

In mere hours, I will be 40 years old. All I can think is, how the heck did THAT happen? Shouldn't I be smarter? Oh well. I am not traumatized by it at all. It's just a bit....weird. Perhaps... a bit anticlimactic.

And where am I in my life? I don't know. I guess I am okay. There is no particular area that I am particularly unhappy with. I am pretty blessed although life is far from perfect. I guess with old age, you make your peace with imperfection. I just pray that life will get fuller and richer...and perhaps....slower. I don't want to miss out on anything- but I do not want a life so busy that I can't enjoy any of it. I just want to love my husband, make some art, do some gardening and some praying, hang with my friends and family and enjoy the life I have. Too bad all the daily, little stuff gets in the way.

40. Huh.

Bloggety blog blog

It's interesting to me that here in the day and age of Facebook and Twitter, how even blogging seems to be going by the wayside. Huh.

So...anyhoo. We're back in the theatre again. Sort of. This week we'll hopefully be finishing the move back in. Things have been very amazing and very hard. I am plumb wore out. But life goes on. The costume shop is set up and the offices are in process and I am waiting on the trap room to be cleared to be able to move the costume stock back in. I got caught up on some of my "normal" job stuff today and am hopeful that we'll be back to the regular insanity soon. I am taking the next show "off" so I'll have plenty of time to design poufy, pretty dresses for Charley's Aunt. Men in victorian drag...instant comedyl

Winter in Seattle hasn't been. Nope. We haven't seen a snowflake here in the city and it's been warmer than usual. I'm still a little amazed that there are people who really think that the irresponsible way we as a society live has no impact on our environment. Blows my mind. But I am happy to see my little purple crocus showing off and am looking forward to daffodils and blooming trees here in the next couple of weeks.

I'm really impressed with my husband lately. He had a fabulous show down in Pioneer Square- hundreds of people wandered through (and we hear it was "slow") and he was the talk of the town. I really love his art. It's so...smart. And funny- and well crafted. I confess there are times that I just want to keep a lot of it...but that's not reasonable. All the work at this particular show was new- 46 pieces. Impressive. He sold some (I think he undersells himself- but he's a big boy- he can make that call) and has had some more business as a result of the show. Now he's working hard on getting his Etsy shop up and going...and then we found out that his art is not only in the book "Masters Collage" coming out in June, it's on the cover as well! Yep. He rocks...that's all there is to it.

Got a lot on my mind spiritually as well. I am looking forward to things calming down in the building, my prayer "closet" (the costume shop) has been unavailable and I miss it. I'm still not sure how I feel about church- and am sad about that...but I can't be dishonest about how I feel. I am a part of a ladies Bible study now, but sometimes, even that feels "churchy"- what to do, what to do. How can one be true to Christ and to God and not be churchy? I don't know- I expect I'll spend the rest of my life trying to sort that one out.

So that's about it. Wish I had something more profound to say. But nope, got nothin'.

Bidding 2009 Farewell...

And I can't say that I am sorry to do so. It's been a hard year. Not a bad year, just a hard one.

We lost our Mickey back in the spring and I still miss he and Max something fierce. Christmas was hard without a kitty. I had a hard time when I found their little stockings in the Christmas decorations.

Friends lost parents- a horrible thing...mortality. And now I feel bad when mine drive me crazy- because I love them and am thankful they are still around, but sometimes- mom makes me a little nuts.

There's been lots of transition at church and I'm still not a fan of church- and that makes me feel... I don't know.

Then there was the fire. The fire. The stupid fire that seems to still be all consuming 2 months later. There was an arson in the building next to the theatre. The theatre was actually on fire- very briefly- but thankfully- it was caught before it did too much damage. I think we didn't realize initially how much damage there was. But there was a ton of smoke and water damage. And we had to replace..um..a wall. The day of the fire we packed up the entire production of Enchanted April, washed what we could, aired out the rest the best we could, moved it to The Seattle Children's Theatre, teched it and put on 2 shows- all within 36 hours of the fire happening. Now that I look back...that was CRAZY. But we did it- and it was amazing. The SCT folks were beyond fantastic.
Then there was the inventory- when 3 of us had to pretty much go through every item of anything in the theatre. That was a hellish few days. We threw away unbelievable amounts of stuff. And then they took everything to the drycleaners. EVERYTHING- well, that we didn't throw away. The inventory guy estimates the bill will be around $35,000. Thank you, Jesus, for great insurance.
Then we had to figure out- where were we going to work? Where would the costume shop go while the theatre was being remodeled? So stressful. I think we've all been so stressed for so long, we don't even recognize it anymore. Although, I have bad headaches now that I am sure are tied to tension in my neck.
Then we changed the Christmas show- and the venue....wow. And basically re-marketed and pulled together a production in about 2 weeks. It's a wonder we've all survived. Meanwhile, through all the moving and shopping and designing and planning and sewing, there were weekly deliveries of costume stock coming back to be sorted, purged and organized. All bottoms were separated from tops. Thank heaven the socks and gloves were still paired up!
40 boxes, several garbage bags of stuff were given to other theatres and the homeless. More will probably go when we move back into the theatre.
Dealing with the fire is like having a full time job, which is great- except that we all already have full time jobs. I suspect when we finally get everything settled, it'll be time to move back to the theatre- so this is a several month process....replacing anything plastic, cardboard...craziness. I still don't know where a bunch of stuff is.
Through it all- well, it's been amazing. People have been so supportive. God has been faithful. It's just hard to lift your head from the daily insanity to take a moment to notice it all.
And that's been our lives since that fateful day on October 23rd. They caught the arsonist and we suspect he'll go to jail for a very long time as he is a repeat offender. And eventually, life will calm down.

Good things happened this year too. I got to spend my mom's 70th birthday with her, we got to see lots of friends this year, and visit Marty's family too. People are so important. I really had a nice Christmas season- we got to spend time with many friends and it was just....fun. But I have to say...I'm not too sad to say goodbye to 2009.

2010 looks...I have no idea. HA. I'm sure work will still be quite stressful for the first half of the year, and the second half. But I think the second half will be normal stress, which probably won't feel like stress.... I don't really make resolutions or goals at the new year- I make them as they turn up...so we'll see what happens as life goes on. I turn 40 this year. How the heck did that happen? My beloved and I will celebrate our 4th anniversary and I am still pretty crazy about him. Past that- who knows what the future will hold? But I'm ready to head that way.

Happy New Year y'all.

And so....

It's October. Mid-October. This is the first chance I've had to blog, if that tells you anything. Enchanted April is up, running and approaching closing week. To say it was a rough build is a mild understatement, so we'll leave it at that. I am currently up to my eyeballs with the Christmas show already- a lovely little period job- something like 35-40 victorian costumes and uniforms! Bleah. I hate uniform shows- we have to find what works best and actually FITS today's people (who are generally larger than those in WWI) and there's always some expert in the audience to pick it apart. Sigh. Oh well. It's the glamourous life of the costumer. Never ending thrills and chills.
My life has pretty much been consumed by work. That's not an understatement, and I'm not a fan of that situation. It's just sort of the way it is right now. We did go on vacation to visit Marty's family in Florida- which was WAY fun...but not particularly restful. So I am pretty darn tired- an allover weariness, if you will. It' s just a hard time right now. The theatre is feeling the crunch of the recession- so that's some added stress on everyone. It's hard to do more with less- but we all manage to manage. Two of my friends have had parents die in the past few weeks. So my heart hurts for them- and it just makes me think about our own parents and their mortality and issues that they deal with. I have young friends still dealing with cancer... And the rain has started. October in Seattle. Life just feels....heavy.
Our church issues- still very much up in the air. I think Marty put it best when he said,"I don't need services, I need relationships." I still think that I am going through a redefining of what church is- but I'm struggling. Part of it is circumstances, part of it is being tired. I probably sound more "down" than I feel. But I often wonder, what the heck are we even doing out here in Seattle? Why? We're not near family. It's a battle to get friendships started and keep them going. Do I really love my job this much? What is the point of being at church? People are always glad to see us, but whatever we contribute seems to just turn to dust in the wind.... I just don't know. It's all a bit of a muddle. But we just keep trekking on because really, what else can you do? I'm sure God will reveal all in His timing, I just sure wish He'd throw me a bone or something.

Is anybody listening?

So here's the thing that's been on my mind, in my heart...percolating in my spirit. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. This I know, that when I just get in the presence of God- just to hang out- that's when things start to move with power. And that is what I want to see....moving in power. I know in my own life, I don't make enough time for that sort of prayer. The kind where you just have to press in and wait. Sometimes, waiting takes a long time. Sometimes, nothing comes except for just hanging out with God. And that's okay. But I am digressing from the point I want to make. And it's this. We spend a lot of time in prayer just talking. Talk, talk, talk. Request, request, request. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Jabber, jabber, jabber. What if we stopped? What if we stopped talking? What if, knowing that He is God, we were still and just listened? I know that's a personal...goal...whatever....for me. I know that I had a really good "soak" yesterday and that I need to make it more of a priority. And during that soak, I was praying for the "church"- my church, the whole church...praying about corporate prayer.

What would happen to a group of leaders who sought the presence of God without an agenda? What if prayer wasn't a grocery list of prayer requests?
Perhaps, instead of asking God to bless what we do, we could listen and find out what He is doing and help Him with it, perhaps that would produce a whole lot of fruit. Perhaps we would find wholeness, healing and freedom. Perhaps...if we would be still, make time and listen.

I've been reading Revelation- and I know, it's a goofy book. But it's really one of my favorites. I find it hopeful and alarming- particularly the bits about being lukewarm or thinking you are alive when you are actually dead....yikes. When Jesus is talking to the churches, warning them, He says the following every time:

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

He says it seven times, to seven churches. And I wonder, with all of our talking...is anyone actually listening?

August

As usual, August is a bit of a crazy-land.

I went to Iowa at the beginning of the month to surprise my mom for her 70th birthday. She was very surprised and we had a nice visit. When I got back, work was crazy, of course.

We have the usual convergence of insanity that we do every August here at Camp Taproot. The mainstage show usually extends, which means extra weeks of laundry and maintenance. The studio is going full swing so there are dozens of children running amuck around the theatre. We're working on three Road Company touring shows (plus remounting one of the old ones to go to the New York Fringe Festival- they are there now) and building 20+ dresses for Enchanted April. As if that weren't insanity enough... My cutter/draper- the woman who has run the builds for shows for the past year, pulled the day before the build started. She got a better paying job at one of the bigger theatres. We're a small non-profit, I can't compete. So I put my best stitcher in that cutter positon (so I lost my best stitcher as well) and hoped for the best. We have a couple of our usual gals that are stable and I hired a couple of new gals, one is great- the other I had to let go. She didn't take it particularly well, but I just do not have the luxury of time to teach people how to sew on this show. Yesterday, I hired a new gal that I think will be AWESOME...so eventually, I am sure I'll lose her as well, but for the time being, I am thankful. Work feels like swimming through mashed potatoes lately. Everything meets with resistance. I go to order some items online, the store that was there last week has dropped off the planet. I go to exchange some leggings at the mall- the store that I bought them at two weeks ago...dropped off the planet. Ah. The economy. Just all sorts of little things going wrong- I'm not even surprised anymore. Although, I confess that I was surprised when one of the actors in the current show bleached his hair without permission while I was in Iowa. Dark hair...turns orange. He did it because the white he was putting in his hair "didn't show up enough." It did. Now he looks a bit like an orange skunk. Sigh. But life goes on. It's been an unusually hot summer too. That hasn't helped. The airconditioning units at the theatre have been working overtime and freezing over periodically (which requires one of my coworkers to get on the roof and thaw them out with a hairdryer- how's that for fun?) and the server room, which is attached to the costume shop has been way overheating. So we have to leave the door open so the servers don't fry and then it's at least 80 in the shop. But it's been better this week- the IT guy took one of the servers out of the room that we suspect was the main culprit. It's been a crazy summer. It's August. It seems that no matter how organized I am, no matter how much I frontload things into July, no matter what I do...August is always just CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY. Thankfully, there's only 10 days left. Sweet fancy bananas and Hallelujah for that.

And our neighborhood has also been a little crazy. Last week (was it only last week?) there was a huge watermain break that flooded the block in front of the theatre about 45 minutes before a performance. Thankfully, it did not flood the theatre at all. (Amazing) A few days later, a house a block and a half away burned down. Apparently, there's an arsonist in the neighborhood. Ah, yes.

On the spiritual front. Hmmmm. Boy. Wow. I got A LOT going through my mind right now. I am still struggling, trying to clear the "planks" out of my eyes so that I can see clearly. I miss church. But I don't want to go. I think I miss the idea of church more. As far as the reality, I am disappointed and deeply troubled about what I see- what I see in "reality," what I see in my dreams, what I see in my spirit. Still mulling it all over. Still praying. I found a great passage of scripture in Daniel where he calls upon the Lord- Not because of our merit, but because of who You are Lord- have mercy- or something along those lines- something about a desolate sanctuary- it's a beautiful prayer. It reminds me that we cannot appeal to God on our own merit- we've done nothing that worthy- it's just ALL Him- grace, mercy and forgiveness. And I know from my own experience that sometimes He gives us exactly what we think we desire- so we'll learn. The hard way. Huh. But I know that I am still not interested in "playing church" or "doing church"- anytime that church usurps relationship with Christ- I get very nervous. And I am very nervous right now. But I also know that God works all things together for good. Proverbs talks about if you have no poop in your stable, you have no productivity- so there you go. I believe God is bigger and He will win. And for now, that's all I've got to say about that.

Back to the insanity. 10 days to go.

Going on a journey....

I had a bit of a breakthrough today. It wasn't anything earth shattering, I didn't fall on the floor weeping- but there was a definite shift in my heart and in my spirit. And peace. And anticipation. I am going on a journey. It totally snuck up on me. I wasn't expecting it. I have NO idea what the future holds. I have no idea how this journey will unfold. It will be dangerous. There will be risks and costs. The shift came after I read the following passage in Michael Yaconelli's book, Dangerous Wonder- a read I highly recommend.

"Ironically, our "Christian" nation has become oblivious to a terror that can liberate us. We have become comfortable with the radical truth of the gospel; we have become familiar with Jesus; we have become satisfied with the church. The quick and sharp Bible has become slow and dull; the world-changing church has become changed by the world; and the life-threatening Jesus has become an interesting enhancement to modern life."

Wow. This is very true in my life. And I hate it. So....enough. I'm done. I surrender. SURRENDER. Everything. I don't know how to explain what has shifted in my heart. I think the above passage starts to hit the tip of the iceberg of everything that has been happening in my heart and mind- all the frustration, all the angst. I really want to know the crazy, wonderful, terrifying and all powerful love of Jesus and of God and I want the Holy Spirit to feel free to run amuck in my life. I want God to TAKE OVER. Sound easy? Highly spiritual? A bit trite? Ah, here's the hard part...

I don't think it can happen at church.

I think I need to unlearn everything I think I know about God...well, maybe not everything- but close. Marty and I talked about taking a break from church last night. I had very mixed feelings about it- because it is ingrained in my consciousness that if you believe in Jesus YOUMUSTGOTOCHURCH. ITISWHATCHRISTIANSDO. DONOTFORSAKEGATHERINGTOGETHER. Everyone at church has told me that all my life.... I do believe we are supposed to gather with other believers...but.....
With this "shift" in my heart came a very freeing peace about the decision to take a break. I don't know how people in our church will feel about it. I don't know how our friends will handle it. Will we lose them? Sadly, it's possible. We have a hard enough time getting together with people we do go to church with- what will happen when we are "out of sight, out of mind?"
I'll probably have to have a chat with my employer to make sure they understand that this is not us becoming...whatever...backslidden? I don't know. I fully expect to go back to church at some point in the not too distant future. But whatever this shift is, I feel like it's from God. There is a yearning to pursue Him in a way that I am completely unfamiliar with. I want Him to blow me away. I want to see my childlike faith restored and even made stronger. If that means church-folk have opinions about that and issues with me...so be it. There is an anticipation and expectancy in my soul and spirit. I have no idea what I'm doing. HA!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING AND IT'S AWESOME!

Hee.
Sweet.
Selah.

What the???

So, I had an art show several months back. It was fairly successful. I sold a few pieces. The coffee shop kept one piece on "hold." And then, I flat forgot about it. So I remembered when I was looking for the piece for another show. I have had a note for the past month or so at work to remind myself to ask about it. Well, when I asked today- it turns out that the new manager cleaned out the office and gave everything to Goodwill, including my piece of art. What does one do? In answer to "Your contact information wasn't left for me." Well, the contact info was on the back of the piece. I'm pretty hacked off. I know this coffee shop struggles financially- they're really a non-profit agency. But I mean, what the heck? Obviously, the new manager didn't know about that piece of art. She didn't remember seeing it, didn't know what it was, why it was there. So what can I do? I'm angry. But I can't get the piece back. I feel like it would be pointless to be asked to be reimbursed since the new manager doesn't even remember the piece. And I wonder where it is. It's a huge BUMMER. I really liked the piece. Hopefully, it'll end up in a good home. I am going to choose to let it go and hope my emotions can catch up to that decision.

It's just been one of those weeks. The main server at work died- you know, the one that has ALL the info for the theatre on it- including all the archival photos of my lovely work. Suffice it to say, tensions are running high 'round these parts.

I've still been cranky. I think it's because I'm...."growing." As I delve deeper, I find myself restless and frustrated. Longing for something I can't even name.

I've been praying and seeking God...I've got lots of "deep thoughts" swirling in my head.....probably many people who read my blog wouldn't want to know what I'm really thinking. Which is a shame. Because I'd really like to share. Just a hint: I am REALLY, REALLY struggling with church right now....not God, not Christ- just Church- and it's a very deep issue for me. I keep hearing "surrender" and wondering what it means. Do we just give up on church and call it done for the time being? That would be a risk and it would cost a lot. Do we give up something good for an unknown something great? I just don't know. Surrender. Give up. It kind of feels like that, to be honest. But then what? And for a girl who has loved church her whole life, this is really HARD. But I feel like....when I read my Bible and meditate and pray- I'm grounded, centered, at peace, full of God's strength and joy. I'm learning, my mind and my heart are expanding. When I go to church, I feel like life gets just sucked out of me. It's not like that for everyone at the church. But it is for me. And for Marty. So what does that mean?

I just don't know.

I'm not interested in playing church. I am becoming more and more convinced that what God intended church to be doesn't even exist today. Jesus was the rule-breaker. He scolded all the "church" folk with their rules and expectations...He broke them all. And I wonder. I wonder, what has happened to awe? What has happened to the joy of the Lord? I am not talking about shiny-happy B.S......When did meeting Jesus become more about becoming nice than having your life turned upside-down? What has happened to us? Why can't we be real? Why must we be so nice? Does loving someone mean you are always "nice?" What if you need to tell them hard truths for their own good because you love them? Why can't we confess our doubts and struggles? Our sin? Why is everyone so complacent and content to just sit there on Sunday morning and listen? Why don't they pursue God? He pursues us. I am really wanting to crash into Him. Really. I don't want to follow Jesus' rules, I want to follow Jesus. I want to know Him more, as a person, as my Savior. I want the Holy Spirit to talk with me- to know He's welcome to hang with me..... I want to KNOW God. As much as my tiny mind and understanding are able to....

And how can people who have pretty much denied the person of the Holy Spirit for YEARS expect Him to "rain fire" down on them and flow in their midst without acknowledging that they have denied him and apologize to Him? Is that how their relationships with each other work?
"Hi, I've ignored you and denied your existence for years, come and be my best friend."
Really?

Sorry. These are some of the thoughts swirling and whirling in my head. I've made some choices lately in my life. To slow down. To listen. To meditate. To be still. My desire is to be able to hear. If I can hear, it'll probably be easier to obey. But these lifestyle choices just seem to flow in the opposite direction of the culture. Everyone is soooo busy. How can you build a friendship with someone you never spend time with? You can't. We live in a world of acquaintances that people think are friends. It grieves my heart.

See? I told you that you probably didn't want to know what I was thinking. And all that is just the TIP of the iceberg.

So, I'm all stirred up. Does it show? I remember someone praying over me that "What God is doing in you is too big to be contained within four walls." I think I thought that meant I would go out on the mission field (which I did) but I really think NOW, what that prayer meant was about my understanding of who God is and it can't be contained in a church. And for that, I'm thankful. But boy, I still miss loving church.

I'm grouchy

Yep. It's true. So beware. Back off. GRRRRR.... I'm not really sure why I'm such a grump. I don't think it's hormones. It is tech and there have been a few last minute bumps along the way, but nothing we can't really handle in the grand scheme of eternity. But man, I can't handle it! I am GROUCHY. I prayed about it last night. I prayed about it this morning. When something came along to test how I would handle my grouchy attitude...I totally FAILED. The person who I fussed at, fussed back and we made up and we're fine. But I still hate it. I hate that I wasn't "Grace under pressure." I could rant and carry on about the situation, it's a valid recurring issue- but I don't want to. I mean, I do, but I won't.

And to deal with that today? On a day I can't even stand myself. OY. So, I'm not sure what's up. I know I'm tired- it's tech, it's a given. Duh. I just don't know why I can't handle life at the moment. But I hope I can get over myself SOON.

Update....

It's true. I haven't posted in ages. Ah well.
What is new? Nothing. Everything. Life.

Work is going well. Money is tight in the land of theatre. And we're feeling it a bit, probably not as much as other theatres, but donations and grants are down. This week, we begin dress rehearsals for Smoke On the Mountain: Homecoming- a root-tootin' gospel good time. It's fun, it should do well, and there are only SEVEN costumes. Huzzah. I am also trying to design Enchanted April- which I LOVE- the book, the movie, the play...doesn't matter. I love the story. It's gorgeous. I want the costumes to be gorgeous- and cost less that $4200! Which considering I could spend $10,000 on fabric alone....well...there you go.

We went to DC on vacation at the beginning of June. We visited some of Marty's childhood friends. We had an awesome time and it was great to see him having soooo much fun. We went to "my house," Mount Vernon- and I am happy to say they are taking very good care of it. We also checked out ALL the art museums at the Smithsonian and a couple of the other museums. I can now say that I have seen Kermit the Frog and Oscar the Grouch in person.
A few days after we returned, my friend, Susan, from High School came to visit and we had a GREAT TIME. It's so nice to be friends with someone- and have the relationship be deep enough that you slip back into it like you haven't been apart for so long. It just reminds me that relationships are built by time spent together. And I worry, that in our high-tech, busy society- will we survive?

On the faith front. Well, that's a loaded topic. I have been camped out in Psalm 106 for a few days- reading about those stiff-necked Israelites that remind me so much of us. Reading about Moses and Phinehas who interceded for God's mercy on his people.... things that make you go hmmmmmm..... I look around at our society and I despair sometimes. My heart cries out at all the injustice, the unemployment, the hunger, the homelessness, the violence...the fame.

Yes, the fame. Obviously, this week, with the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, fame and mortality have been on my brain. And the older I get, the more I understand God (a.k.a.- the LESS I understand God...) the more I am convinced that fame and celebrity are not such a good thing. Even if you intend to use your power for "good." Fame seems to destroy people. It separates them from reality, from other people, from realistic relationships. Even the seemingly most stable people struggle with it. It grieves my heart. Life is hard. We're all a mess. Imagine having all your skeletons out there in the open for everyone to see. Imagine people taking your advice as if you were some sort of religion? (Oprah, anyone?) Imagine thousands of tweens screaming and crying and fainting when they see you, because they think you are someone you are not? No privacy...inflated pride (I mean, how can one not start buying into it after awhile?) ...entitlement....being surrounded by "yes" men...not having anyone in your life that will tell you that you are out of line....yikes. No, thank you. And as an artist- when do you cross the point of no return? When do you lose the art, the craft, the passion, the WORK? If you lose the call and become about the celebrity....what then? I know people who were damaged by even a little bit of celebrity. On a local level. They started to be recognized at the grocery store. And then they started to separate themselves from the people around them. The "little" people were unable to gain access anymore. What the heck? How is THAT healthy? God is no respector of persons, He doesn't play favorites. We're all his favorite. Proverbs talks about how favoring people over one another is a bad thing. Huh. I digress, but these things float in my mind. I confess, I like to be recognized for the good work I do- but do I want to become famous? I don't think so. I don't think my character is strong enough to handle all that.

Anyhoo- and in my mind and heart...I can feel God getting bigger. I mean, I feel my UNDERSTANDING of God getting bigger. He's so very big. So very sovereign. He is I AM. I don't know how to describe the revelation that is coming to me. It's deep...and big. I just think about how God never changes, but how our understanding of who He is can grow and change. I mean, we know the earth isn't flat, right? Once upon a time- that was our understanding. And I worry about the "Church" which is content in their understanding of today. They don't want more. They don't want closer. They are content with what they know, and then they want to impose it on everyone else. It's all "don't drink, don't chew, don't go with girls that do..." or whatever flavor of rules that particular brand likes.... It drives me batty. I read a quote, and I can't remember who said it, but I love it- and I think it applies to so much of christianity....

"God allows more variety than I am comfortable with."

Yep.

And on that note, end scene. Selah.

Storm comin'.....

This has been an interesting time for my life. I am still deeply mourning the loss of my kitty, Mickey. It strikes me at odd times and breaks my heart. Yet at the same time, I sense there is change in the air. I can feel it.

What do I feel? I'm not sure. I am restless. I am frustrated. I sense a disturbance in the force- God is on the move. But I don't think we're moving in the same direction as most of the people in our lives are. I don't know what it means. I don't know what the future holds. A long time ago, someone was praying for me- prophesying-and she said, "What God is doing in you is so big that it cannot be contained in four walls." That has been on my mind and in my heart very strongly over the past few weeks. I feel as if my walk with the Lord has opened up. I am growing. I am seeking. I feel grounded. I feel peace. I feel free. I know that seems contradictory with the restlessness and frustration. But the grounded, peaceful freedom- that's ME. The restlessness and frustration is a circumstance and a situation that needs to change. It's been around for months. Marty feels it too. But change is hard, no matter what. And I am afraid. I am afraid of losing friends that are in the process of being made. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of not having a place to lay my head- so to speak. But I know God is with me. I know He is so unbelievably big, so unbelievably sovereign- that I can barely begin to imagine it. I know He is for us. I know that He has a hope and a future for us. I have no doubt about that. But I doubt my courage. I doubt the fragile bonds of friendship we have built that could break with one decision. I don't know if people would understand what they don't see themselves and trust that we are following God.

I had a dream last Sunday night. It's a dream that troubles my days. I don't want to write what the dream was as I know it would needlessly upset some folks who are faithful enough to actually read my blog. I have sought advice and prayer about this dream. The implications are not pleasant. But the dream brought me hope. The dream showed me that what God is doing in me is getting ready to flow in a new way. If you pray, I would appreciate prayer. Prayer that I am hearing clearly. Prayer that the timing is right. Prayer of protection over relationships. Prayer against fear and doubt. Prayer for confirmation. Prayer that I really don't screw this up. It is what I have heard of called a "kairos" time- a key moment in time. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Mickey

We put our cat, Mickey, to sleep- one week ago tonight. He would have been 17 in June. The grief has been a bit overwhelming, hence I haven't been able to blog sooner. We knew it would come eventually- but it seemed as if when "eventually" arrived, it went so very quickly. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease about two years ago. The vet told us then that the treatment would only work for one and a half to two years and then it would stop working. And it did. And there were other complications of old age...and we just couldn't watch him get really, really sick and suffer. We did get the full two years, and I don't regret one moment of the spoiled life we gave him. He was so very loved and he knew it and I know that he loved us back.

He got to die at home. It will cost us an arm and a leg- but my one regret with Max was that his last "thing" was a traumatic trip to the vet. I didn't want that for Mickey. So, after we made the decision- after a weekend when he started to fail and quit eating and had blood tests that showed some wonky stuff....we asked the vet to come to the house. And she, being the kind-hearted woman that she is, did. We got off work early and spent the afternoon with him. It was the shortest afternoon that lasted forever. His passing was peaceful...for him, but not for us.

Marty said I should start to blog and remember him. No blogging could do him justice. As much as I have loved all my pets with all my heart, Mickey was larger than life. I don't know- there was just something about him. He had enough personality for nine cats. And in this last year of his life- he just got "bigger." He would sleep on my arm at night- he had his little bedtime routine and if it was off- you heard about it. He would wait for me on the bed- sometimes, he would give up and go to sleep with Marty- but as soon as I got to bed- he would come over to my side, lay on my arm and have to be tucked in to bed with me. He would wait for us on the toilet while we took a shower. He would walk around the house with his "baby" in his mouth- hollering if we weren't paying attention to him. He LOVED, LOVED, LOVED going outside on the balcony with me when the weather was nice- we have spent the last two summers out there together, it won't be the same without him. He loved catnip and treats. He liked only "fishy" food which made his breath STINK. He would let me give him meds, but he would fight his daddy. He would sit on his daddy's lap when he was at the computer and "make biscuits" in his lap. Sometimes he would sit next to me, gaze adoringly at me and purr and drool. It was hilarious. In his later years, he became a total mama's boy. It's hard to believe that the first month I had him, sixteen years ago, he hardly came out from under the bed. There are so many memories....

When we lived in Asheville, he used to sit in the corners of the apartment and yell. I honestly think he just liked the acoustics and the sound of his voice. One night, there was a storm- a bad one- and in the middle of the night he came running into the bedroom, "Meow! MEow! meow! MEOW!meOW! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!!"- he was a wreck! He kept running back and forth between the bedroom and living room yelling. Finally, I got up to see what his problem was- I flipped on the light on the back porch and there were NINE cats out there. I told him, "Well! No wonder you're upset!" He would chirp at birds. He loved to go for rides in cars (until he got to the vet, then he wasn't such a fan) He was always so vocal. He would answer you when you talked to him. He would hum. If you asked him a question- he would reply, "Hmm." It was so funny. If you were sitting at the dining room table, he had to sit there too. He always had to be in the middle of everything.

He and Max were amazing when we came to Seattle. They did very well during the move, I think because we were altogether. Our little family. I remember being on the phone with Marty before he moved out here, and Mickey was sitting in a chair across the room washing his bottom. (He really preferred to wash his butt in front of company....) I was watching a nature show about birds on PBS and he got distracted and actually sat there, with his leg straight up in the air, and watched TV for TWENTY MINUTES. I couldn't believe it. He always perked up when birds were on TV.

Mickey loved our apartment we have now. When we were moving, I would bring him over to get used to the place and he would get mad at me when we had to go back. He really loved it here- the windows, all the space. We had to put bricks in front of all the kitchen and bathroom cabinets because Mickey figured out how to get into the cabinets, but he couldn't get out.

When he was diagnosed with IBD, he had to have an ultrasound and other procedures. Being as old as he was, he didn't handle the anesthesia particularly well ( he takes after his mom that way) The night we brought him home, he was so spacey, he would forget where he was. He was sooo tired. He almost fell asleep in his water dish. I had to carry him around to help him. He was my baby.

There are soooo many memories. They all blur and blend, and hit me at odd times. The Mickey-sized hole in my heart is enormous. I miss him so much. I think it's harder because when we lost the other kitties (Trinity and Max) there was always someone to come home to. Now, the apartment is hugely "empty." I was in the other room when they actually gave him the shot, but I felt him go. I know that sounds weird, but I knew the moment he was gone.

We still look for him. I still leave closets open, shut doors that don't need to be shut, move bricks that aren't there. I have to resist the urge to look for him if I haven't seen him in awhile or to call out to him as I leave or come home. It's astonishing how deep that little four-legged furry guy got into our hearts. I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe how much it still hurts. Last night, I just wanted one more chance to hold him. But not in this lifetime. We love you and miss you, buddy. I hope wherever you are- it's full of sunshine and catnip and you are happy with Max and Trinity.

Dear Anonymous, about Good Friday...

....I am intrigued and perplexed by your comment. Who, pray tell, were you referring to? Please elaborate.
Thanks.