Good Friday

Well, it's true. God is good all the time. Even when your jeep breaks down and you have it towed. It's not raining. The mechanic fixes it in great time- and while it's a hit to the finances, I am thankful we had the finances to hit. It was a beautiful day. Dress rehearsal went well, there's a page of notes- but it's mostly my perfectionism that I actually have time to pursue. There have been a couple of answered prayer requests today as well. I'll keep those to myself as I am expecting more fruit to come.

The Max sized hole in my heart is still pretty huge. Bedtime is still very, very hard. Mickey stuck pretty much in Max's chair today. I know that he misses him too. Mickey is pretty social, and while he did indeed pick on Max, I am sure it was because Max was HIS baby. I am thankful that my heart can grieve, that it is not hardened by cynicism and life. I am thankful that while I can recognize that others have much bigger burdens to carry, that God knows that I am hurting and that matters to Him. I am trusting that Max is with Him, whatever that means. I can still cry for my baby and it's ok.

We visited the Stations of the Cross today at church- it was such a nice experience. The art was great and appropriate, the atmosphere was condusive to meditation and prayer. The music and lighting were great. I think God was pleased and pray that people were moved and blessed. I am happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm thankful that we got to go, considering we thought we might miss it with all the drama of the car. We missed the Taize service (I had to work) but I am sure that was fantastic too.

I was encouraged by one of the actors in Doubt. Her faith is amazing, her father-in-law unexpectedly died, her mom is sick and a whole bunch of other stuff is going on. The POOP has hit the fan, people! But still, she knows God is good. As do I. God is good. Even when the poop hits the fan. All the time. He is good.

One Week

It's already been one week since we put Max to sleep. It's hard to believe, we still miss him so much. It was just this time last week that I was getting ready to take him to the vet, not knowing that he wouldn't be coming home. We're doing ok. It hits us at odd times, night time is brutal because we no longer have the routine of spending time with him and checking on him. Sometimes I still forget he's gone and will look to check on him in his chair. Grief sucks. Mickey is doing ok too. I think he's lonely. He didn't see me take Max, so Max just sort of disappeared. The first day or two, Mickey was all about being the center of attention, now, not so much. But I think he's adjusting as we all are.

On Monday, my WONDERFUL, AWESOME, BRILLIANT and TALENTED husband threw me a birthday party. All my wonderful and generous friends that could be there helped me celebrate turning 38 (how the heck did THAT happen?) I will be using my birthday money to buy a painting by Diane Culhane.

The rest of the week was quite normal- we're getting ready for dress rehearsals for Doubt that start tonight. It's pretty quiet. I'm sure I'll have notes, but I need to see everything on stage first. Today we'll go see the Stations of the Cross at church. We both have artwork in it. This weekend is Easter. I'll spend most of it working. I'll be sharing my thoughts at communion on Sunday and praying. I have been thinking about victory. What the victory of the cross means to us in this day and age of the economy going kablooey, the housing market looking like it's DEFINITELY built on sand and a presidential race that's a bit of a circus...I don't know- these thoughts just all bang around in my head. We'll see how they all come together.

We miss you, Max.

Happy Easter. He is risen, He is risen indeed.

Max

Max is gone. As most of y'all know, he's been going down hill for over a year now. Chronic constipation and arthritis and the Lord only knows what. It's been terrible to watch my "kitten," who was still a kitten when he was 11-12 years old suddenly get very old. He's always been a baby. And like I have blogged before, he loved Marty- he was his baby too. So he started his usual routine of being constipated this week and we have been watching him. But something in my heart just shifted last night. I got up early this morning and spent 45 minutes of extra mommy time with him, and I am so glad I did. He purred and was content and he was so beautiful. I called the vet when I got to work and told her what was going on and we talked about doing x-rays and bloodwork and an enema (what feels like his kabillionth) and then I went and picked him up and took him in. It had not occurred to me in my conscious thoughts that I would put him to sleep today. But after a long discussion with our vet, we just decided enough was enough and it was time. I was so tired of watching him hurt and not be himself. So I called Marty and he came over, we signed the paperwork and stayed with him until he was asleep. We loved on him and told him how much we loved him- and then we let him go. We left the room when they gave him "the shot." We just couldn't handle that. IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!
I know this was the best decision for him. I am trusting that he goes back to God- whatever that means in animal land. I know he knew God- he always wanted to be picked up when I was praying and he loved to be prayed for. Creatures know their Creator.
I hate looking at his chair being empty. I walk into the living room and he's not there and I hate it. I know he wasn't himself for a long time, but he was there. Wanting "mommy time." I am not looking forward to going to bed for awhile- that's when we had "mommy time." Before I would go to bed I would pet him for awhile and we would have a lovefest. I don't think Marty is doing much better. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves today. We didn't expect to put him to sleep today- I think we knew it would be soon...but not today. And on my birthday weekend. Ouch. Mickey probably won't start to figure it out until tonight. Max would be gone all day to the vet for the enemas, but he'd be back at night. Part of me thinks I'll have to go get him soon. But he's gone. There's a hole in my heart. I know some people don't understand how people get attached to pets...but that's their problem. We loved our boy and will miss him terribly for a long time. I am going to trust God that I can get to a place when I can look back and celebrate his life. He was a good kitty. He had an amazing knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He love to give you "kisses" and would head-butt you when he was happy. He was shy. His meow always sounded like a baby's meow. He was 14 1/2 years old and I got him when he was a kitten. He was a huge blessing to me.

The Thrill, the glamour.....

...that is my life. Truly, the paparazzi quake in their boots. Just kidding. So what's new? An elderly constipated cat (again) and work and art and church. Oh my.

It's been pretty quiet for me around Camp Taproot, for a change. In all honesty, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. So I am catching up on intern applications and weird little jobs around the shop. The next show is Doubt which is mostly rented from the Rep- so it's pretty easy. Which is DELIGHTFUL.

We took down my art show in West Seattle- no sales or anything-but I didn't really expect any. Now I am just working on my Stations of the Cross project for Good Friday. I have tossed 2 ideas SO FAR. Yikes. I think I had ideas that were too grand for the scale I am to work in, so, I am doing a Scrabble collage- which is fine, God always seems to show up in those collages.

I am still praying and seem to be doing pretty well in that area of my life. The depression does try and sneak back now and again, but not with the vengeance it did before. I am currently reading Captivating by the Eldredge's and it's quite an interesting read. It's a lot to think about. It's very intimidating to think of how much devil hates women....but then you think about how much God LOVES women...and there you go. Some interesting thoughts along the way...

-Eve was the last thing created- the pinnacle of creation

-Yep, she blew it BIG TIME, but in the original text, Adam was standing "elbow to elbow" with her, perhaps he could have said, "Uh, honey...I don't think you should eat that." But no, he just stood there. Like a lump. And ate the fruit. People are stupid. We do stupid things.

-As a result, the Curse. Men now have dominion over women...but this is a POST-fall development, they were equal beforehand. And I can't help thinking that if we're trying to restore things to as God intends....well, you fill in the blank. Suffice it to say, I think a lot of men are missing out if they don't allow women to be themselves in regards to God.

-God loves women. He loves the emotion and all the crazy stuff that makes men uncomfortable and want to back off. How sad. Women need their men, but men are scared they can't handle their women, so they back off and women feel alone (regardless of whether or not they are alone) and that nasty fear of abandonment that the devil likes to torture women with becomes this horrible cycle. You don't have to be physically alone to feel abandoned. I had no idea that this was a "woman-wide" issue. I thought it was just me being stupid and not having my crap together. But most women have to battle this. I used to have horrible dreams of Marty abandoning me- we call them the "Bad Marty" dreams- and the pain that is in my heart when they happen is undescribable. It's physical, it hurts so much. So many women, dealing with so much pain - from their childhood on...it's horrible. Things that parents or schoolmates said haunt us. I remember when I was in middle school, I got in big trouble about something and my mom said, "I love you , but I don't like you." I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember that- but I have felt that my mother doesn't like me for most of my life. Seventeen magazine tortured us- what 12 year old needs kissable lips and a complex because she's not a size negative 6? As adults, we are constantly bombarded with the supermodels, Oprah's and Martha Stewart's of the world telling us that we are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, our house is not clean enough.....and then if you happen to go to church! Well, then you have to serve the church and pray and be all spiritual on top of all this other stuff. And there are plenty of Christian books to tell you how to be a "Godly woman." It makes me exhausted. We become spiritual "Martha's" who work and pray our tails off. And we are TIRED. I think about the Proverbs 31 superwoman and it makes me TIRED. Don't you think she was exhausted? Yikes. Life is hard enough without trying to be perfect. I for one, am totally guilty of trying to be perfect. I am tired. I just want to be me. Whatever the heck that means. I want to let it go and let Jesus free me and heal me from all the junk. So much junk- so many lies we buy into. My heart just hurts from it all.

GIZMOS.....ON!

So I was watching Independence Day the other day. I love all those it's the end of the world kind of movies. And I was watching the part where the REALLY GEEKY guy was talking about the space ship down in the bowels of Area 51, and he's talking about how interesting it is because in the last 24 hours, all the gizmos have come on and started working.

That's how I feel. I feel like, after almost 3 years, all my spiritual "gizmos" have come back online. Halle-freakin'-lujah. Seriously. I have missed it. But I feel like I am praying with faith and purpose again. God has connected me to some people in my church that I feel like I can be authentic with my "spiritual weirdness," which is a huge relief. And I feel like God is really talking and I am in tune again. I feel like there is an assignment at hand. It's been a long time. He's been talking to me- showing me things along the way- two instances in particular in 2006-2007. But inside, I feel lit up again and it's GREAT. And I think the depression I battled for so long, was indeed, warfare. The devil is a booger. I don't know what the point of breakthrough was, I am just happy it happened. And I am praying at church again. And all the gizmos are going. I'm excited, but, dang skippy, I feel like we're in for a bumpy ride. Thank goodness I LOVE that kind of stuff. YYYEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWWW!

Surreal

So, I don't know how many of you know, but I got my undergraduate degree at Northern Illinois University. It was a bit surreal when my parents called me last night to tell me about the shooting. I had classes both in Cole and DuSable halls when I was there. Of course, when I was there- we didn't really fear getting shot. We had our troubles and tradgedies. A dear friend of mine, who was a stage manager, was killed in a car accident during tech week of her show. The silence in the theatre and in the house and halls of the honors program was deafening. We mourned, and the show went on. But we didn't fear getting shot during class. How life has changed.

I guess it just means we must live our lives in such a way that we have no regrets. We must tell the people we love that we love them ALL THE TIME. We must live our lives in such a way, that we can lose it and stand before God without warning. I wonder how many of those 5 people who were killed were ready to die. It may sound morbid, but our lives are gifts. We must treasure them.

Lifecheck

Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks. We got As You Like It up and most folks seem to enjoy it. It's not selling great- but I think Shakespeare is a hard sell, people are afraid they'll not understand it. It certainly isn't a "no-brainer" to watch, you need to listen and pay attention. But hey- that sort of thing is good for your brain. So we got the show open, then I had to do a little "life" catch-up, cleaning, groceries....that sort of thing. Then we had Marty's birthday. On his birthday, I made him breakfast and we went to see Sweeney Todd (Good, but gory- FABULOUS clothes) and then to dinner at Olive Garden with friends. He seemed to have a good birthday.
On Tuesday evening, my friend Deanna arrived from North Carolina. We had a fun week catching up, hanging out, shopping, playing tourist.... We went to the SciFi Museum (my favorite museum in Seattle) and I restrained myself and only lit the Death Star twice. I don't know why I like doing that- it's just a big ball with a light and some music- but it's really FUN. On Friday, I threw a "surprise" party for Marty...only he wasn't that surprised. Apparently, he had seen a response in my email- but he thought that I couldn't pull it together since is was the Friday AFTER his birthday. So we put it together Friday afternoon while he was working in the studio and then he walked out and we were like...."surprise!" I totally hate lying. Even for something fun....especially to my husband, so I caved and told him the truth. It was fun and it was nice to have friends from all arenas there and getting to know each other and have a good time. Saturday, Deanna and I went to the show and did a little shopping. Sunday was church and lifegroup and then a "surprise" visit to some friends who have relocated here to the Pacific Northwest. They arranged a dinner with Deanna. I actually guessed who it was about 3 weeks ago- ha HA! So it turned out that I was RIGHT, and it was my dear friends Darren and LiEr who have been living in Singapore for the last 8 years. We had a lovely visit with them (LiEr is an AWESOME cook) and I am glad they are here. This morning, I got up before the butt crack of dawn to take Deanna to the airport for a very LONG day of travel for her. As I was up- I just came on in to work and it's been one thrill after another....laundry, wigs, repairs....oooh...the thrill, the glamour. So this week, we'll take it easy and recover from a busy couple of weeks. Marty and I are making art for the stations of the cross at church- so we need to get busy with that. And life goes on....

No clever title for this post....

Just an update....

I am up to my eyeballs with As You Like It. It's not one of my favorite Shakespeare plays...I honestly prefer the tragedies. Othello is actually my favorite, with Hamlet running a close second. The show is going ok. It's a very big show for me. Lots of full changes and trying to keep track of wigs and facial hair and jewelry....all the frou that goes with the 1960's and 12 people playing 30ish characters. It looks fine. It just doesn't really excite me. Of course, these days, not much does. So life goes on. It's funny- I don't know if it's just because we're still in rehearsal or what- but it seems that things haven't gelled yet- or it could be I just don't like this play. While I am a fan of the Shakespearian tragedy- I have been known to laugh out loud at the comedies- and it just hasn't happened yet. We do have such a short rehearsal time now- I can't imagine having to capture all the nuance of Shakespeare in such a short space of time- kudos to the actors and director for going for it. So we'll see what it all ends up like. I really love well done Shakespeare. I saw a production of Othello when I was in grad school that had Campbell Scott as Iago- he was amazing. And his dark red leather doublet was to DIE for. I happen to be a fan of Shakespeare done in non-19th/20th century periods... There's just something about all the big-frou costumes that matches the language... The stories are timeless- but it's just more fun with big clothes. It makes everything so...epic. I like the histories too, I confess that when I saw Kenneth Branagh's Henry V- his rousing monologue made me want to kill the BAD french guys who killed all the British pages (oops- spoiler alert) which was VERY bad form for war in those days.... So that's my 2 cents for the day about Shakespeare. Good old Willy.

In other news- the battle with the depression continues. There are good days and bad days. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday- so we'll see what that turns up.

On Thursday- we take down Marty's art in West Seattle and put mine up. Because...why not mount an art show during tech? I am such a goober- I wasn't paying attention to the calendar when I said yes. I have one piece to finish and Marty will help me with all the labels and such- he's awesome and all will be well. If you want to check it out, it'll be at Hotwire West in West Seattle- the art walk is on Valentine's day.

We open AYLI on Friday and then...I will be taking the following week off. I will go in for meetings and that is IT. I've worked a lot of crazy hours- so I need a bit of time. Monday is Marty's birthday- we'll go out to dinner with friends. Tuesday, I'll clean the house and my dear friend Deanna is coming for a week- so it's nice I'll be able to take some time off to play. And then, back to normal. The next show for me is Doubt, which is a play that I really like AND I will be renting most of the costumes- so it should be relatively easy compared to the stretch of insanity that started last April. So that's the news and the update. Marty should be home soon from his first "Art Party"- hopefully it was a grand success- I look forward to hearing about it.
Th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks....

No, I haven't fallen off the planet...

I am here. It's January, it's raining. Whoo hoo.

The holidays were an adventure- check out Marty's blog for all the gory details. Suffice it to say, while I was so happy to see family and friends, it was not a restful time for me and I was happy to come home. When we returned home, the boys were happy to see us and did well boarding at the vet (yay). I went back to work on Friday and by Friday night, felt like POOP. Yep, I caught the nasty cold going around and was pretty much useless for the whole weekend. I actually slept most of the weekend when we got home.

Since then, it's been hard to get back in the routine again. This time last year, I was also having a hard time. Things that make you go hmmmm. Work is busy- we're doing Shakespeare, As You Like It, with 12 people who change eighty kabillion times. So that's a bit of a challenge. We're setting it in the 1960's. For the record, I've watched some 60's movies for research (Easy Rider, Across the Universe) and I, for one, am thankful I was not a child of the 60's. I did not enjoy the "trips" at all. But we press on and I think the show's costumes will be fun.

At home, Christmas is, for the most part, put away. I still have to do a new Christmas Card list and I left the mistletoe up accidentally. This week, Marty was in the West Seattle Art Walk and did an online video interview for the West Seattle Herald (check out his blog to see it- it's pretty cool). He's such a stud. Tonight he's in the Ballard Art Walk. I tell you what, he's kicking butt and taking names. I am very happy for him. I really think that this year, he'll have to seriously consider being a business. He's sold something every month for the last 3-4 months. His little funny collages are selling like hotcakes- they're really a hoot. He cranked out 10 this week to take to Twilight- they needed more. Go, baby, go!

As for me, I am really battling some depression. I keep going because-well, what else are you gonna do? But nothing really excites me anymore and I just feel tired a lot and I don't really care about stuff...but I do care. I don't know. I just know that I've been battling it for a year or so, I am sick of it. Marty is sick of it. And I feel terrible because he has to put up with me and he tries to help- but nothing really does. I know that it's me that needs to change...but I don't know what to do or how to do it. I've been praying, but so far, nada. I am just not myself. I was really disturbed by some of the stuff I saw happening in my family when I went home and that has me down. I worry that I am failing Marty all the time and that has me down. I worry that I am failing God all the time and that has me down. And I just can't "fake it" anymore. I am due for a physical in February- so I will talk to my doctor then. In the meantime, I will keep on keepin' on- because I don't know what else to do. But for all you prayers out there- feel free to pray for me. Signing off for now, be patient with me.

Off to Christmas land!

Well, the parties are done. We are now the proud owners of an action figure Moses (living in the dollhouse) and a Herman Munster bobblehead (living in the studio) from the White Elephant from Saturday. Today, we had the TTC staff party at the Edgewater (eggs benedict, yum) and now we can add a FABULOUS mexican cow bank and a projector that blows images up on the wall to our haul. All in all, the white elephants have been good to us this year. I am quite fond of the cow bank. I think I will name her Pamela....big udders.....

This afternoon is a senior matinee and then we are out of here!!! I'll spend this afternoon doing a bit of cleaning (I hate coming home from vacation to a dirty house) and finish packing. Tomorrow morning we'll pack the boys and take them to the vet (pray for them!) and then we are off to Iowa! Miraculously, all the presents fit in my suitcase- and it's clocking in at only about 45lbs! And there is a little bit of extra space! WOW. It looks like we'll have a white Christmas after all, and we now have proper footwear, so we are set! Marty will make his debut, I think he's nervous, but he'll be fabu! They're all "just folks"- so it'll be fun. We'll hang with my friend Susan (WAHOO!!! HERE WE COME!) and with family and friends that might as well be family...and Marty will get to enjoy the family tradition of M&M Bingo at the family Christmas do...He's not a Christmasy kinda guy, it will probably be a bit of a shock to his system. But everyone is down to earth and the food is great so there you go. Bob's your uncle. Actually, he's my uncle, and there are two of them...and a cousin....we're not very original with family names. Since I won't have access to the internet while we're gone so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

Party, party, party.

Well, we survived Winterland. I have to say, for those of y'all who didn't see it- my husband was HOT as Mr. Granger- singing "Storm Comin'" in that white suit... yowza wow. I know he doesn't get it- all he can think about is the fat suit (since he lost all that weight) and thinking he looks like Colonel Sanders- but I tell you... we women know. There was so much authority with the white suit and the strength of the song and I tell you- my husband can SING! Grrrrrrrrr. I'm very proud.

Now we're in party grand central. It's just one holiday event after another until we leave for Iowa once week from today (Already? How the heck did that happen?) We had the cast party, we went to the show, tonight is the NWA party at our house, Saturday- a white elephant party, Sunday- our lifegroup celebration, Wednesday- the TTC party, 2 matinees and a partridge in a pear tree! Yikes. I have a wee bit more shopping to do, which I will finish this weekend. And then we are off! The midwest had a big ice storm, I am hoping it's all out of their system.

When we leave, we will board the boys at the vet. Max is still doing pretty well- I am a bit concerned to see how he handles being boarded- for those that pray- please pray for him. Mickey seems to have recovered pretty well from his kidney infection and is as fat and ornery and chatty and lovey as ever. The boys have taken to "worshipping" the space heater. There's a quilt on the floor one side and a box with a baby blanket on the other and both are usually occupied. I guess we have one more Christmas with them- even though we won't be here. We'll celebrate our family Christmas the night before we leave. So that's all the news that is fit to print. If I don't get to blog again, have a very merry Christmas, extend grace, love and enjoy your families and remember, Jesus is why.

Merry Christmas.

Update

Well, Max seems to be rallying. He is responding to his "baby food soup." It's nice to see him more alert and he's even played a little, he even came running for treats- which we haven't seen him do in months. But it is more work. What to do. What to do. I'm glad my baby feels better.

I am TIRED. We are halfway through performances of Winterland- it seems to be going pretty well, the audiences love it. I find myself a bit frustrated with it technically. Light cues aren't there....people start singing or talking and their microphones aren't on- which to me is VERY frustrating because the audience misses some important stuff. I guess my standards are too high. It's been fun- but it's been a lot of work on top of a lot of work at work, and some pretty stressful personal life stuff as well- so I'll be happy when it's finished.

Now I am just working on trying to get Christmas together- I have one more present for Marty I need to get, and a trip to Trader Joe's should finish my shopping. Then it's a matter of getting it all to Iowa. Stupid airline weight limits- my mom suggested an extra suitcase, I suggested self-control on her part. OY. We may have to ship some stuff back from Iowa. Well, I guess that's all folks....more later when we have a life again.

Holding pattern...

Dang skippy, we are TIRED. The play is coming along- and soon...will be over. Then, the tough decision time, I guess. Max continues much the same. Lots of medicine and liquids (now he's on baby food "soup"- 1/2 cup a day- bet he feels like his teeth are floating- poor guy) and still the hardest little poops in the world. Who knows. He still isn't his "old self." But he does purr and like attention a little, mostly, he just sleeps. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts- I know I can feel it- please continue- we need all the help we can get right now.

Max

As many of you may or may not know.... Our kitties are 14 and 15 years old this year- and they are very geriatric. Mickey has IBD and is actually doing very well with his treatments- but Max- not so much. Max has been chronically constipated for the past several months and this morning, we took him to the vet for his umpteenth enema. But he has gotten very old, very quickly in the past 6-8 months- he's become frail and thin and not himself. He's become a loner, he doesn't play, or let Marty carry him like a baby or sit in my lap anymore.

Tonight, Max is home. We had a long chat with the vet this evening. We think is probably time to let him go. He is not rallying and is losing weight rapidly, which means there's an underlying issue. He usually does pretty well for a spell after an enema. The vet has informed us the next step to maintain and keep him going would probably require IV's of special fluids every other day- and we don't think anyone in our family would handle that well. Our life is crazy right now- work is busy and we have rehearsal on nights and weekends for the church play. The kitten has always had an amazing gift for bad timing. SO- we have decided, to actually wait until after the church play to make any for sure plans- just because it's just too much to deal with right now. We would also like for him to be at home when it's time to go. This, of course, is providing he doesn't take a turn for the worse. Tonight, he is happy to be home, has eaten some favorite food and is in a favorite chair resting. We appreciate any and all prayers. He has always been my "Baby"- he's always had a very kitten-like personality- right up until the past 6 months- for those of you who don't know- he's 14 years old and I got him when he was 4 months old. Most of my friends and family don't think he exists because he's so shy, he always hides- so when I came home one day- to find him sprawled and purring on Marty's lap when we were dating- I knew Marty was "the one." Also, for you intercessors, Max LOVES prayer. When I would pray in my kitchen when I was single, he would beg for me to pick him up and I would have to carry him around with me while I prayed. When Amy Ledford would come and pray, we would always know God was present because Max would lay on the ground (this from the invisible cat!) and purr. He still purrs when I pray for him, but not like he used to. I don't want my baby to suffer- this is probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. We would appreciate continued prayers for wisdom, grace and mercy.
Thanks very much

It's been insane...

I did so enjoy a restful Thanksgiving weekend. I am so glad I did- because the poop has really hit the fan since. Highlights:

-The plumbers were supposed to reconfigure the plumbing for the new washer and dryer in the costume shop Monday morning at 9- several phone calls later, they showed up at 2 on Tuesday.

-The washer and dryer are scheduled to be delievered DURING the matinee today, which will be heard and I can't deal with the delivery guys because I am having to dress the show. Lowe's is giving me the runaround about rescheduling...outcome pending. ARRRGGG!!!

-Mickey slowed eating again, I'll pick up his appetite stimulants at some point today. Hopefully, they will work.
-I dropped Max off at the vet for yet another enema this morning...my boys are not known for good timing....and we are playing musical finances once again.

-I am trying to reorganize costume storage. It was a DISASTER. Seriously. So I did a major purge (About 15 lawn and garden bags worth to a school, homeless ministry and anyone else who would take anything) and I am trying to organize what is left in the midst of washer and dryer drama. I have only a week or two to get this done before As You Like It loads in....speaking of...

-I have to start designing As You Like It...and read the script.....by tomorrow.

-All this is going on in the midst of Winterland crunch time. We have rehearsal EVERY night. It's fun, and I think it's really starting to look like a play we'll be proud of, but it is A LOT of work. I am hot and sweaty by the end of rehearsal.

All this in the midst of holiday prep, which is actually on schedule- a few more gifts to buy, putting the cards together etc...then it's party! Party! Party!

I'll be so glad when January is here. But God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

We are rescheduling the washer and dryer to be delivered tomorrow. Thankfully, I had the wisdom to have the plumbers hook up the old washer and dryer.

Thanksgiving...

During this very hectic time of year- with tech, rehearsals, more tech, more rehearsals....more tech, more rehearsals- all on top of everyday living, getting ready for the holidays etc, etc.-it's very easy for me to forget to be thankful. So I am writing down what I am thankful for- just to remind myself.....so here are the things that I am deeply thankful for...

-God loves me, Jesus died for me, Holy Spirit guides me....even when I am a booger. Grace is a beautiful thing.
-My husband. I am constantly amazed at how deep my love for him runs...it even haunts my dreams- this deep, deep love. I am so proud of him- his integrity, his creativity, his hutzpah... AND I even LIKE him- how awesome is that?
-My family.
-My friends, near and far, new and old...even if I am not the best at keeping up with them, I carry them in my heart.
-"The Boys"- I am thankful for every purr, every day, every morsel of food eaten- even though the constant medication wears me out at times. I shall miss them when they are gone.
-A roof over my head, clothing to wear and food to eat. Sometimes, I take the basics for granted, which is a shame, since many people don't have the basics. We have the basics, and then some...actually- we have quite a bit more.
-A job that pays the bills and a place where I can express my creativity. This has been a hard one for me this year, for a number of reasons- but I am VERY thankful, nonetheless.
-Creativity- the ability and the means to be able to create and play.
-My church family- and my church- these are just great folks to have in your life. I am so thankful for all of them.
-Laughter. I don't know what we'd do with out it.
-Nature- proof of God's existence- big, small- there is beauty everywhere.

Thanksgiving. Don't leave home without it.

My baby boy, Mickey....

...kind of quit eating last week. Oh sure, he'll eat as many treats as we can manage to stuff in him and will nibble at his food- but he's not really eating. He's dropped a pound in about a week. This strikes great fear into my heart. At some point, his meds for his IBD will stop working. I am praying this is not that time...but I know it's coming. The thing is- the little stinker doesn't act sick! He's all perky and happy and clingy and lovey. At least with Max, we can tell when he's not feeling good. I will hear the results of Mickey's blood test tomorrow and hopefully, we'll see what is up. I just hate to think of losing them- it's hard to believe I have had these kitties for 14 years...15 in February. I've had them pretty much my whole adult life, they have lived in 7 apartments/houses and 4 states. They drove across the country with me. They have outlasted countless boyfriends, 2 fiancees and ADORE the daddy they finally ended up with. I knew Marty was "the one" when I came home one day to find Max, the cat that most of my friends and family doesn't think exists because they have never seen him, sprawled and purring in Marty's lap. Mickey has enough personality for 9 kitties...seriously. He talks ALL THE FREAKING TIME...he carries his "baby," a grey hamburger shaped thing that I think is a mouse, around in his mouth while he is talking. He talks with his mouth full. It's hilarious. He sits on Marty's arm while he's at the computer. He'll sit with me and look adoringly and longingly at me...he's totally in love with his mommy. He has to sit at the dinner table with us, or else he will end up ON the table. He's very tough- he actually had to go to the vet a couple of weeks ago to get his matted hair shaved and was growling at the vet under sedation! That's my boy! And he was my constant companion as I spent many a happy hour this summer reading on the balcony. He likes being outside as much as I do.
I know that I will miss him like crazy. I am thankful to wake up each day to find I have one more day with my beloved feline companions. I actually pray that they will just one day go to sleep and not wake up- that they would go in peace. I just hope that these, their last days, are good ones and that they know how much they are loved. I just hope I have the strength to make potentially difficult decisions... they have been through so much this year, I don't know how much more they can handle. I don't know how much more we can handle. But they have been the biggest blessing to me while I have had them. They have kept the "lonelies" at bay.

Being Better

So I just read these two books this evening- For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn...they were very illuminating. I am a bit skeptical of "relationship" books- because everyone thinks they are the world's leading authority. Like the guy who just got married telling me why he kissed dating goodbye... whatever.... But I found these books very helpful. I didn't have any earth shattering revelations, but there were good reminders and some very practical "how to do this" kind of things. For instance, if you are clued in to any sort of Christian marriage counseling blah-bitty-blah...we all know men need to feel respected over feeling loved- heck, the BIBLE says that....but what does that MEAN???? ARRRRGGGG!!! HOW DO I DO THAT???? Believe me, after almost 2 years of marriage- I personally feel like I have no idea how to be a good wife. My friends tell me that this is normal- my frustrations and inability to communicate. That's comforting... I think.

My mother (whom I adore and admire for many reasons) like her mother before her and so on and so on...nagged to get things done. I don't want to do that- I don't want to be that way- I don't think it's particularly effective and it makes everyone miserable along the way. SO what do I do? I hide. And I do that at work too- I stuff it all down and then eventually it explodes and my poor husband is like "WHAT THE HECK?" But I think he would find the tips in For Men Only very helpful in dealing with me in those situations. (BIG HINT HERE) It was quite astonishing to find that I am not as unique as I think I am. : ) And comforting as well.

I think any man would benefit from reading For Men Only as it translates "woman-ese" quite well, in my opinion...it's bang on the money. And Jeff writes with great humor. I found the For Women Only beneficial as well, and I hope Marty does too. I went to a wedding this summer where the pastor talked about how marriage is all about two people who think they are totally alike trying to live together after they find out they are not- and there was so much truth for that. But I rejoice in the differences (most of the time) but I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, the world's leading authority on marriage...I wish I were, for my husband. Because he TOTALLY deserves the wife of his dreams and I want to be that. I want him to be proud and want to show me off and think I am the best thing since sliced bread...BECAUSE I love him so much and am soooo very, very proud of him and his talent and his art...and I appreciate how he helps around the house and I just think he's really cute, uh, I mean he's a big 'ol GRIZZLY OF LOVE. I meant my vows when I said them (although, it's all a bit of a blur now) so I really want my marriage to be AMAZING and AWESOME- but that takes work...I think it's totally worth it. I think Marty is totally worth doing whatever I can to be a great wife. I just hope I succeed more than I fail.

Doing Better

Thanks to all those praying types out there. I am feeling better and a little less overwhelmed. Thanks also to good friends who kick you in the tush and remind you what is what (Susan, Cassie) I am doing a little better. Tomorrow will be a "Shopping Day" so not as hard at work and I am taking Friday off...well...for the most part. I have to take the cat to the vet and go discuss Christmas musical costumes at night. I am really seeking God to order my days. I don't know that it's really working yet- but I ask Him every morning.

I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. But it won't really be home. Mom and Dad have the new condo- which I am sure will be fun and all...but I really would have loved to have taken Marty home. We'll spend time with my family and we'll take a trip up to Galena and visit the old haunts. I am hoping for a white Christmas- but not during travel time. I am looking forward to seeing my family- I haven't seen most of them in about 5 or 6 years. Many of my cousins have children I have never clapped eyes on. Several children. Wow. I can't wait to see Susan and raise a little "heck," of course, we're old and it won't be like the old days- lifecheck anyone? No smuggling 3 course dinners into the movies or anything...and that's just what is repeatable. : ) But true friends feel like they've never been apart, I notice. I am a little concerned about leaving the kitties in their old and fragile states...but I will have to trust God on that one. I'm not sure what to do about Christmas shopping this year- we've sorted out with Marty's family that we'll use what money we would spend on Christmas to have fun when we're on vacation in April....and that's totally cool with me. My parents...well, their love language is gifts- but we're trying to get them to reign it in since we have to bring stuff back. And I'm trying to decide if I should just do shopping there... I already know what I'm getting Marty. Hee, hee, hee.

Ahhh...October through December...the holidays. We've already had a couple offers for Thanksgiving- don't know what we're doing yet. We've also had an offer for a "Get-drunk-and-decorate-the-tree" party after Thanksgiving that I think sounds quite fun.... I guess they don't hang the breakable ornaments that day. I really like this time of year- it's like there is always some tangible thing to look forward to. First, we have Trunk-or-Treat at church- and I enjoy that. Then there's Thanksgiving- and I have to say, sitting around a table and eating and talking with people you like and love is just about one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. And Christmas- more of the same...a big birthday bash for Jesus! AND you get to decorate your house!!! Dress it up!!! I LOVE that!! My poor husband.... I don't think he understands how much fun I have dressing up the house. I dress up people for a living- I think houses are as much fun. But I love this time of year. The leaves are gorgeous- in spite of all the rain- God's beauty is all around. It just feels like it's time to light the fire, gather up some loved ones, have some hot chocolate and oatmeal cookies, cuddle up and hunker down...all in a well decorated house.

Weary

I am weary. Everything is ok. But dang skippy, I am DOG TIRED. Or should that be DAWG tired? I don't know. There is a lot going on in my world- and I feel overwhelmed and like I can't keep up. I've had 2 days "off" in the past 4-5 weeks and one of those was spent on the couch with a cold. Day and night I go, go, go, go.... I know I need to stop...I don't know how.

At work, we have a shortened build for the Christmas show- that combined with a lack of help...well, there you go. On weekends, I am in rehearsal....what weekend? What sabbath? And now- with my husband's art taking off (YOU GO, BABY! I am SOOOO PROUD!!!) there are openings and hangings and receptions- and I just can't keep up with it all...and that doesn't include- grocery shopping, paying bills, geriatric kitty care, house cleaning, preparing for trunk-or-treat...praying, praying, praying.....THERE IS SO MUCH TO PRAY FOR!!! And I just don't feel like I have the time or the energy.

There is drama at Taproot- it's just been a rough year. I am having "issues" that I need to pray through- try to figure out how to maintain my integrity, be Christ-like in my behavior (as much as I am capable of, at least) and not get walked all over.... They've hired 3 more people in the administrative offices... and after a year of hearing "We need to get production some help, we need to get production some help..." I confess- I am having some forgiveness and trust issues at the moment. I want to scream, to be honest. I mean- what is going to take? Letting a production go completely to crap? Seriously. I don't know that I can not do my best- I am not wired that way- so suffice it to say- THAT is creating some serious inner tension in my world and I'm not quite sure what to do with all of it at the moment.... and then.....

If you read Marty's blog- you know all about the letters, the whisperings, the gossip (from which we were thankfully excluded) about our church leadership. And today- Milt announced he was leaving. I could just feel all the emotion in the congregation and I couldn't help but cry (it sucks being an intercessor sometimes, well, not really) It's going to be hard...but I know on the other side- it'll be brilliant. I know it- because even though we were out of the loop- that's what God has been showing me about church for awhile- about last fall, I sensed that BIG BIG changes were coming- like the HANG ON TO YOUR BRITCHES kind of changes.... I felt that our good friend, Jeff Berryman- seriously needed to hold onto his britches- because of those changes...and now he's the interim preaching pastor. Well, color me shocked and surprised. In the practical- I had no idea how what God had shown me was happening in the spiritual would manifest- and it's all terribly interesting to watch- and still requires a great deal of prayer. I have been through hard times at church before. Some were handled well, some...not so much. I can't say it's something I enjoy. But I truly believe that God causes ALL things to work together for good- not some things, ALL things. He has been faithful. I hang on to that. And I do trust Him.

But I am tired. I am bone weary. I am emotionally worn out. I see no relief in sight.

That doesn't mean good things aren't happening. They are. That doesn't mean I am miserable. I'm not. I am just TIRED. And I am praying that God would refresh me and grant me the strength to keep going- because if He doesn't, I dunno.... I just don't know. I am forgetting stuff because there is so much going on in my head. I don't feel light burdens right now-which means I am probably doing something wrong, but I can't figure it out to fix it.... I would love a day off, but I can't figure out when to take it- there are meetings and fittings and matinees.... at home, there is grocery shopping, and cleaning, and vet appointments and I have to be out 3 nights this week...it just doesn't end. I know, whine, whine, whine...but you keep that up too long- you get burned out. My question is this...
What happens when you burn out and you have to keep going?