How I am.

Someone asked me, "How are you?" today and I didn't know how to answer them. I guess I am ok. I have A LOT going on. Joseph is proving to be a challenging show on many levels, and yet, things seem to be going well... I guess. There have been some serious dramas with the tuxedos we're supposed to get for the band, we don't know who is playing who, do they need to change, do they have time to change and where will they change. I am not the designer- and I feel like I am a giant go-between for all these crazy working parts- which is what I am. I feel like I am having to be more "managerial" in my job- and I am still adjusting to that and am not sure how I feel about it. I miss making things and sometimes it really is faster and easier to do something yourself than it is to have to set it up for someone else to do. And I am having trouble finding time to start designing Earnest and be an artist- I am going to take a day tomorrow and just do it.

There is also a lot of internal goofiness happening at work. I see God's hand in all of it, but I can see how some people would not. There's a lot of internal strife, healing and people "stuff" going on. We are smack in the middle of the refiner's fire, and it's not pretty. It's ok. It really is. But it is not fun to go through. I find it astonishing how God is growing individuals and pushing them to places they aren't comfortable and he's working in so many people at the same time and it's all working towards His unified purpose for the company. It's really amazing. And I feel really blessed that I can see that- or I think I would be really discouraged. And I wonder- what is He working in me? I can't see or feel it- but I hope something is happening.

I am trying to learn not to be so busy. I don't really know how. But yet, I don't feel busy. But I do feel busy. I guess I feel busy, but I don't feel like I am seeing any fruit from all the busy- I guess that's how I feel. So- how am I? I am lost. I am busy. I am ok. I am watching God do His thing. I don't really know how I am.

Waiting for strike...

Yep. Seven Keys to Baldpate is mere minutes away from finally being over. The next couple hours will be filled with sorting laundry, restocking, spraying Lysol in shoes, doing laundry and cleaning dressing rooms. Ahhh....the glamour.

It's been a long day- we had fittings for Joseph earlier and later in the day, so I'll have been here since lunchtime. My work schedule will be quite wacky for awhile. Life goes on.

In other news, I desperately want to redecorate the house. Sadly, my finances do not support my vision. I am creative so I'll be able to change a few things- I finished curtains for the the living room this evening. More thrill, more glamour.

Mickey update- as of last week, he weighed almost 10 POUNDS!!! HUZZAH!!! He's responding to his medication and gaining weight. We've been letting he and Max out on the balcony when we're out there or I'm in the kitchen and can watch them. Max thinks it's fine, but Mickey looovvves it out there. He REALLY loves it if his mama comes and hangs out there with him- he's in hog heaven. Since I don't really know how long we'll have him (The vet figures about 2 years before he builds a resistance to drugs) I don't mind a bit. He turned 15 last week. Amazing. Well, the curtain call is over, the actors are running down the stairs...time to get to work.

Got the Blah's today....

Yep. A bad case of the blahs. We had another matinee today- and then it was a scramble to get the drycleaning in. The good news is we're doing lots of student matinees- the bad news is having so many matinees makes it hard to get the drycleaning done. Tonight is 1st rehearsal for Joseph and I'll finally see the costume sketches to see what lays before us. It's a big show, no way around that- but I don't think it'll be too bad- we have a good designer who knows what she's doing. The grind continues....
As I was driving back from the drycleaner, I just felt...blah. All the stress and busy-ness and too much going on that we dealt with before the trip seems to be falling back into place- and I really don't want it to. Suddenly- there are 3 things going on Sunday and Marty's working a billion hours and I will probably be working a billion hours and it all seems so endless. And I feel a bit like a hamster in a wheel and I have to wonder- why are we doing this? Is this what we're supposed to be doing? Is this what God is calling us to? We have a good life. We have enough money to pay our bills and buy food and have savings and a bit of frivolity as well. We have a lovely apartment and a stable place to work that is in my field (at least). Marty's art is taking off. We're slowly making friends- but it's hard. We live in one of the most gorgeous places on earth. All in all, we're blessed. But sometimes....I just want to move to the boonies and do nothing.

Back in the Saddle...

Alaska was amazing. The cruise was relaxing- sad to say- I didn't miss my life in Seattle at all. Although, by lunchtime on Friday- I was really tired of eating. The food was good, not awesome- but good. I think that's ok- if it was awesome and spectacular- I would probably have gained 10 pounds. As it was, I gained 2-3- which I have lost this week thanks to a nasty stomach bug.
Marty is doing a great job of blogging our adventures- so feel free to check his site out. I loved the scenery and wildlife in Alaska. It was so epic and gorgeous and beautiful. The food and the activities and entertainment on the cruise were not as fabu as we expected, but I have to say, the service was very good. Our cabin steward, our waiters, everyone you ran into was very, very nice and I thought great service is one thing Princess really has going for it. I had a really good time.

We enjoyed a few more days off when we got home. We went to movies and chilled out and caught up with life. A little vacation from the vacation.

We hit the ground running on Tuesday with a student matinee. Not much going on this week except playing catch-up with emails and laundry. My stomach bug hit me mid-day on Wednesday and I am still recovering. I was suddenly clammy and nauseous and when Marty cooked bacon at home, it was all over. No, not pregnant- just a bug. This is a good week to be sick though since...

We'll start the Joseph build on Monday. I have a few other projects I am trying to get done this week: invitations to a baby shower I am throwing for a couple of girls at work (done) finishing getting "the garden" planted (done) painting a table for outside, cleaning the house, updating my theatrical portfolio for a talk I am giving on Tuesday to the "Innis Arden Friends of the Arts," paying bills, cleaning, shopping, taking care of ill kitties (Mickey is on day 3 of his 1st round of chemo, so far, so good) and so on, and so on. So suffice it to say- we're busy once again. Although, I've been laying around for a couple of days recovering from this bug. I HATE stomach bugs. Nasty. Uncomfortable. Yuck. That's all for now- check out Marty's blog for photos and details.

Susan and Darin

Susan is one of my dearest friends from high school- she's the one I stay in the most contact with. She is also the one who probably has more blackmail material on me and vice versa than just about anyone on the planet. We got up to some crazy stuff in our younger years- we smuggled full meals into movies, went carousing...hugged strange boys, survived countless and sometimes very WRONG boyfriends- all sorts of stuff. Once she accidentally hit the median on our way back from the movies and actually knocked the car back into alignment! We have laughed much in our day. I still have many letters she wrote me. She is one of my favorite people on the planet- and I miss her like crazy.

She lives with her husband, Darin, in a small town in Iowa. I'm a little embarassed because I haven't met Darin yet, and they've been married over 10 years. Yikes. They have two little boys and live a life that seems content and uncomplicated and sometimes I think, I wish that were my life- but God seems to have called me to other things. But it's not all "roses and parsnips" as my husband likes to say, Susan has MS- and her attitude is amazing- I really admire her (I know she read our blogs to keep up with us-so, Susan- this is SO TRUE) She is one of my heroes. I still remember when she was an EMT and she flopped on my chair in my bedroom and announced she simply HAD to deliver my children because she had helped with a birth that day and it was such an amazing experience. She became a paramedic, she was an AWESOME paramedic and I know that she really, really loved it. She had to give it up because of the MS. She's been through a lot of hard stuff with her family's health issues...and...life. We all know how that goes. One of her sons is autistic, one was premature- it's been a rollercoaster ride. And yet, she stays on a pretty even keel. She's very brave and very strong. Now, I don't see or talk to her on a daily basis- but she hasn't lost her sense of humor through all the stuff she's been through and she seems to just keep on truckin', no matter what.

This week I got an email from her- and the poop has really hit the fan. So for all of you praying folks out there, this is what's going on (I hope this is ok- Susan- but I feel like we need to get the troops praying) The following is from her email:

"OK--I've always wanted to be a heart breaker... but this is nuts!! First my dad with cardiac bypass, then my mom with the valve scare, and now Darin! I seem to be the only common denominator.
Darin has a bad aortic valve that needs to be replaced...soon. Like in the next few weeks. So--once again--please send positive thoughts and energy our way! We've always known Darin has a bad heart valve that would eventually need to be replaced, but no one (including the doctors) EVER thought it would happen this soon, and at the ripe old age of 37. Yes this is scary. Mostly because in the best case scenario-he'll be dead in five years IF he doesn't have the surgery. With the surgery he should do OK-we're not worried about that. (much) What adds to my worry is that after the surgery, no doctor in the state of Iowa will certify him as "Fit for Duty" as a police officer, even if he's 100% recovered. So his law enforcement career may well be pretty much over. Enough? No way--think about this. If he can't get a lateral transfer to somewhere in the city we'll lose our insurance. (Think MS, autism, early heart problems...) We'll be financially ruined. And I have to say--in the grand scheme that's pretty unimportant if he gets well and we all are together... Please keep us in your thoughts--I need that right now!!!"

Being a grown-up really sucks sometimes.

SO- all you praying types out there- my dear friend needs the peace of God that passes all understanding, she needs strength, she needs faith and to know that God is right there with them. Her kids need peace. Her husband needs peace and healing. They need favor and a lateral transfer so they don't lose their insurance. They need faith. They need provision through all this- and I know my God is faithful! He will take care of them, even through the hard times and trials. Please bombard heaven on their behalf. I know I am. I really do love you, Susan.

Mickey and life update

Well, I just got off the phone with the vet. It's actually pretty good news. Mickey is still a very sick kitty and will be on medication for quite some time, but it's NOT cancer!! HUZZAH!!! I honestly, don't know if I could have handled it if it were. He has severe Inflammatory Bowel Disease- which isn't pretty at all- but it's the best of all the options we were given. So....he continues the meds he's on ($130 to hire the vet assistant to come give him meds while we're away-yikes!) and will add another for awhile that is technically a chemo drug-but it combats this disease as well and we'll have to change his diet to high protein game (venison, duck, etc.) but if all goes well- he won't be on meds the rest of his life (like he would have with the small cell lymphoma- and the other- well, we just won't go there will we?) And all of this will start when we get back- since he'd be on the meds he's on for a couple of weeks before starting everything else anyhoo-so it all works out. I want to cry. $2500 and 6 months later we FINALLY know what is going on. So prayer that it all "takes" would be great- but I still feel like a huge load is lifted. I haven't blogged much about Mickey- I've been too emotional- but you can check the process out on Marty's blog. This pain-in-the-tush, ornery, attention hogging mama's boy has been my baby for over 13 years- it's been a very stressful process.

I still feel pretty stressed. We've gotten a lot accomplished this week- tonight is first preview for Seven Keys to Baldpate- it looks good. I am pleased. It's A LOT of clothing. But it's a really fun show- perhaps my favorite this season. I've been trying to read scripts for next season (during tech? INSANITY) trying to get the shop tidy and ready for the next show to load in, get stuff ready for the trip (lists made, sitters hired, apt. manager notified, odds and ends purchased, the list goes on) and I've had early morning meetings everyday this week (tomorrow's is changed, I can come in at 10am!!!) lots of looonnnnnggg days. Which makes this tired, burned out soul want a vacation before her vacation. But I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, if I can only find time to pack....

Waiting....

...for first dress rehearsal to start in about an hour
...to find out how dress rehearsal goes so I can plan the rest of my week
...to get biopsy results for Mickey, to find out if it's cancer or something else that's causing his weight loss and then decide what to do
...to make some potentially hard decisions
...for prayers to be answered for my friends who are facing serious health issues
...to find time to prepare and pack for my trip
...to find time to get the next show set up, 3 plays read and help decide a Christmas show, and attend 2-3 meetings all during a tech week, before we go on our trip
...to see how fast or slow this week goes, and if I can actually get it/keep it together this week
...for God to prove Himself faithful, yet again
...for God to restore my soul (it desperately needs it, I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of "On the verge of losing it")
...for God to save my cat, my friend these past 15 years
...for God to heal my friends
...for God to help those friends that don't know Him to find Him through these hard times
...for God.

Going through the motions.....

That's what I feel like right now. I am just going through the motions. I am not sure what to do about this. How to break out, get excited, get motivated, whatever.

We're working on Seven Keys to Baldpate, which opens May 18th- the day before we leave on the cruise, actually. I like this show a lot. It's my favorite so far this year- it's a mystery farce with a lot of melodrama. Quite hilarious. I've set it in the 1950's- because I am sick of doing shows set in the 1920's-1940's- we do A LOT of those and I think the 50's period works great. I was laughing out loud imagining them in their costumes at the designer run the other night. So far, everything has been going quite well- thank you, Jesus! This makes me a bit nervous. And while I am far too persnickety and anal and picky to "phone it in," I still am not that excited about it. Perhaps I am just burned out. I am hoping that is all it is. There's so much to be done before we leave- Marty's got his artwalk show and we have church obligations and work obligations, I need to get the garden planted, etc. etc....life goes on kind of stuff. I feel like I just go from one set of chores to another. I'm tired of figuring out how and when everything is going to get done and making things happen. It all just seems like a never ending list of bills, chores, groceries, vet appointments and work. I feel like my joy has been stolen a bit. In addition to all the regular stuff, I need to be reading plays for next year's season- and I don't find any of them interesting to read- but they all need to be done. Just more stuff.

I think I really need a vacation.

In my Father's house

I had another one last night/this morning. I dream this one a lot.

I move into a house or apartment and it really doesn't look like much. But as I start to settle in and unpack- the house grows. It's always much, much bigger with lots and lots of rooms. And usually, it's a lot nicer than I originally thought. The houses are usually furnished- and I change them around and clean them up. The houses are also in all sorts of places- I remember one being (in my dream) in a not so nice part of Philadelphia. Very strange. I think the most memorable room was a giant glass dome- it was HUGE- and it was all wild and overgrown, like a jungle. This morning as I woke from the latest of these dreams, I remembered the dome. I had that dream before I moved to Seattle, and I wonder if it represented the costume shop at Taproot, which was a complete mess when I got there. Marty says these dreams make him nervous, like I am going to move. But I think they represent when God is changing things in my life. I used to get "pregnant" dreams that seemed to represent the same thing- but not so much anymore. And on the rare occasion a pregnant dream occurs, I am not nearly as pregnant as I used to be. Dreams are so confusing. I also have recurring dreams of fighting evil- fighting the devil himself. Once I had to move a pair of twins that were in my class from house to house to house to hide them from him because he was after them. Another time, the devil was a hockey coach who was destroying his team with sex, drugs and rock and roll- that time, I pushed him over a cliff, a deep abyss. Seriously weird stuff.

I think my favorite fighting evil dream had a bunch of people that were being chased by demonic hordes. I was leading them as they ran. They were all wearing raggy, nasty clothing which changed as we ran through a river into pure white clothing. Then I turned and stopped to face the hordes when they came- and yelled for the people to keep running. The people ran across a rich, lush field that looked suspiciously like soybeans. Then they began to climb trees- HUGE trees, the biggest I have ever seen. So there were these huge trees absolutely covered with these people wearing white that looked like fruit hanging there. It was amazing- I have it written down somewhere- but the details are starting to get fuzzy. This particular dream has some significant spiritual overtones in it, obviously.

But I still haven't figured out the house dreams. I get them all the time. If anyone knows the interpretation- I'd be happy to hear it. Otherwise, I guess I'll just have to wait for a face to face with God since he hasn't given me the interpretation yet.
In my Father's house, there are many rooms....

Vanilla Scent

Is taking over the downstairs of Taproot Theatre. Seriously, it smells like a french vanilla brothel. Why? Well may you ask. I'm afraid it is partially my fault. After an exhausting week of being a substiture mommy, this was a stand-out event. To start with, my friend Jennifer sent her 8 year old to stay with us this week and attend the spring break drama camp. I have been a part of Rebekah's entire life, much to her embarrassment, I have the honor of changing her very first diaper in the world. She's a great kid and a smart kid. And I am once again reminded what a tough job parenthood is. Highlights of this week include:

Overheard while she was playing with the dollhouse; "Now, no one let grandpa drive you anywhere or read you anything, he's had too many beers."

More spelling tests and words than I ever remember, more homework than an eight year old should probably have, come to think of it. Ironically, Bekah likes homework, it "makes me think." Good for her.

We went to see "A Night at the Museum." A grand outing, although Bekah got a little nervous when the T-Rex first came to life.

A trip to Seattle's best toy store, Top Ten Toys- where Bekah proved she is quite....frugal...with her own money (but she's perfectly ok spending other people's money!)

Making superheroes on the computer with Marty. She made all the decisions of what hers should look like and Lady Lightning looks like the perfect superhero for the eight year old girl- complete with the horse companion and pink cape.

Picking out her superhero costume for camp at Thriftko. Hot pink tank top with sequins, shiny silver vinyl skirt, white tights with flowers, pink cape with flower and silver trim and a sequined silver headband- all for her character "Sidekick Marlowe," companion to "Captain Shakespeare." My friend Lorrie has been studying this year in England and told me that Christopher Marlowe was mighty fruity, so perhaps pink, silver and floral is the way to go. You are probably still wondering why the entire downstairs of Taproot Theatre smells like a french vanilla brothel...

We had a very productive morning. We got up, ate breakfast, packed lunch, packed a lot of Bekah's suitcase (although there is a missing pair of sunglasses and a trail of jelly bracelets still to be tracked down) she finished her book (Otherwise known as Sheila the Great) and we also got her dressed in her costume, brushed her teeth and curled her hair. The hair curling took quite sometime and slowed us down a bit as Bekah had to stop at every mirror and admire herself. Apparently, this is a habit of hers. I think it's not such a bad thing, to think yourself pretty- quite a gift, actually. And we got to Taproot in plenty of time. Then I looked at her and realized that she had a huge milk mustache. So I sent her to the bathroom to take care of it. She was in there for quite some time. I just thought she was admiring herself again. But no, she found the bottle of vanilla body spray and pretty much hosed herself down with it. Seriously- you can smell her coming. When Marty and I busted her ("Found the vanilla spray, did you Bekah?) She looked sheepish and answered in a small voice, "I just sprayed the room." Sure she did. When Marty went into the bathroom to clean it- there was a fog. We opened the door to air it out- and now the scent has permeated the theatre. Bekah will be sent home smelling like vanilla. According to her mom, there was a similar incident with a tiny bottle of perfume a couple of weeks ago that resulted in mom having to roll down car windows for a couple of days. I almost forgot how hilarious kid world is. And as tired as I am, I'll probably miss having Rebekah around. She's very diverting.

Holy Week

When I was a kid- I remember Holy Week being a pretty big deal. I grew up in at the First Congregational Church in Guilford, Connecticut. I remember all the Catholics wandering with their little smudges on Ash Wednesday and listening to them talk about all the things they gave up for Lent. As for our church- we had Wednesday night Lenten Potluck suppers- I remember they were pretty fun. I loved all those potluck dinners, and we had them for Advent as well. I have very found memories of growing up in that church. I do remember one particular potluck, when we were told not to bring food- and then we were split up like the world's population for dinner. One family had a ritzy fancy dinner, 2-3 families had a picnic type meal and the rest of us were in "the third world" eating rice and apples. It was actually pretty fun in the third world- and it was a lesson I never forgot. But I digress- back to Holy Week...

Which started with an interdenominational Palm Sunday service on the Green. In New England communities- the town is placed around a big park called the Green. Every Palm Sunday, all the Congregationals, Catholics, Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Presbyterians and whoever else wanted to come, would gather their palm branches and join together for a service to kick off Holy Week. When I was little, this is just how it was. All the Christians gathering together, worshipping Jesus, getting along just fine. As an adult, I'm pretty impressed with this whole gathering- because it's not something we see often enough. We just don't see the CHURCH gathering together to worship Jesus. Sigh.

On Maundy Thursday- I remember Dad would go to a special service, I never went- I don't really know why. Perhaps my parents thought I'd be bored. But I was a pretty inquisitive kid in regard to the whole "God thing" I probably would have enjoyed it. As long as I can remember, I wanted to know God. I remember sitting in my tiny little rocking chair, with my first grown-up Bible in my lap- reading it and wishing it made more sense to me. Wishing that God would talk to me. Sometimes, I still feel that way. Many times. Most of the time.

On Good Friday- we had special Sunday School. We were off school for Spring Break and so our church had a special Good Friday Sunday School session. It was pretty cool. I remember looking forward to it immensely.

On Dark Saturday- well, truth be told, this was pagan day all the way. I always woke up obscenely early because I was just dying to dye the Easter eggs (get it?) I miss doing that so much. I guess the artist in me just really enjoys that tradition. If my husband enjoyed hard boiled eggs, I'd still do it- but I can't eat them all myself. So no more eggs. Back then, Dad and I (who enjoyed weekly "art time" together) would get out the old olive green flower print vinyl tablecloth with the white fringe, the crayons and the PAAS kit and go to town.

On Easter Sunday we'd start with pagan traditions first. I'd be up obscenely early to hunt down all our artful eggs from the day before and get quite a bit of sugar in me to boot. We would enjoy cardamom braided bread that my dad would make and some hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Then I'd put on my Easter dress- usually a new one made by my mom, and off to church we would go. I always loved the Easter services- the hymns were my favorite. And for some reason, people always sang more loudly that day. Like they meant what they were singing. I don't know if it was because the hymns were familiar or if it was because there was a spirit of victory and joy in the air, whatever the reason- it was pretty powerful stuff. When I was old enough, I joined the junior choir and got to sing the special music as well. After church- we'd head off to visit family and I always enjoyed that too. Come to think of it- that church was a significant part of a happy childhood.

After we moved to Illinois (when I was in high school) Holy week changed in a big way. Our new church didn't really celebrate in the same way- just special-ish Palm Sunday and Easter Services. Usually, we had to make a 3 hour trek to some aunt's house and didn't even get to go to church on Easter- which made my dad pretty unhappy. This trend continued through college.

When I moved to North Carolina, the church I went to there really didn't make a big deal out of Palm Sunday. There was no Lent or "Holy Week"- but there was a special Easter Service with a big drama production. I was in charge of the drama team then, so Lent to me just meant more stress. I never liked most of our Easter productions- they were only ok. One was really good- and it actually offended some people so I felt like I had done my job. : ) But I really missed the lead up to Holy Week that I had as a child. It made that week set apart and special- and I still miss it a lot.

Here in Washington- well, our new church observes Holy Week- different traditions- but I'm glad they observe it. We went to the "Ticker Tape" service on Palm Sunday- which was quite an experience. The last part of the service was a worship service- and it's intention was to create the feel and atmosphere of Jesus's entrance into Jerusalem- one of ridiculous celebration. It was interesting on so many levels. As more paper than I could have imagined was shot out of confetti cannons (and apparently they misfired and only sent out half the confetti- dear me) people worshipped and tossed it in the air, children drown each other in it-and it was easy to get swept away in the moment. The phrase "extravagant worship" kept ringing in my head. I thought of the woman pouring perfume on the feet of Jesus. Why can't we always worship that extravagantly? (I think Heaven must be like that- of course, I think Heaven is going to be fabulous, sort of like the Cirque de Soleil, people making all kinds of art, figure skating, sychronized swimming and every kind of music in every kind of language imaginable. It'll be CRAZY FUN! and we'll be with God- Party on!) But, I digress... Meanwhile, back at the Palm Sunday service-when I was truly in worship- this celebration was an amazing thing, and when I got pulled out of the moment-I was still celebrating. I loved looking up to see thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper floating down toward me as I sang. I imagine that it was same kind of experience for the people there that day Jesus rode into town. Swept up in the moment, not knowing why they were celebrating, and certainly not knowing that within the week, Jesus would be murdered. Thankfully, we have hindsight- we know why and how it all went down- it makes it easy to celebrate. I must also mention, there was a couple of handfuls of confetti trapped in my clothes afterward- pretty funny.

Yesterday, Good Friday, we went to the Stations of the Cross at our church. I had never experienced that particular tradition. It was interesting. Our friend Jeff had mentioned commissioning artists to do the stations next year- and I think that's brilliant. I found it very powerful to see all the scripture pulled together to tell the story and I thought the questions at each prayer station were pointed and powerful- made me think. However, I would have liked it to have been more experiential. This tradition has the potential to be so incredibly powerful. Marty and I were talking and we thought it would be great if all the senses were involved, soft music playing, incense, communion set up so people could take it if they wanted to, places to sit and meditate at each station- and I think it would be so neat to see an artist's take on each particular station. Big stuff.

Today is Dark Saturday. And I sit and ponder the wonder of Easter. It's hard for me to be sad, because I know how the story ends. I try to remember what Jesus went through for me- the pain, the suffering, the sacrifice. I am unbelievably grateful. But yet, I cannot grieve or be melancholy- because God is so big and good and Jesus triumphed over evil and death...for me. Because He loves me. Even when I can't feel it or think He's forgotten me or I am going through a poopy time. He loves me. He died for me. He would have done it if it were just me. I can't do anything to make that up to Him except give Him what and who I am. Because that's what He did for me. It's amazing to me that it's enough. He is happy to give His sinless life for my sinful, full of mistakes and pain one. Wow. No kidding. Wow.

Tomorrow is Easter- I'm interested to see what service will be like. We don't have kids- so there will be no egg hunt, but my friend's 8 year old daughter is coming to spend the week with us so there is an easter basket with her name on it. Sadly, we'll have to duck out of service early to go fetch her at the airport. During service, we'll get to see the video that Marty, Jeff and Kent and the other guys have been working on- starring Marty. We watched it yesterday, it was quite good. It's odd to see your home on film. Our candlesticks are really crooked. After we pick up Bekah, we'll head to Jeff's for Easter dinner. It's nice to have people to celebrate with. I just pray in all the busy-ness of tomorrow- that the true meaning of Easter knocks us right between the eyes and in the heart. I think Marty and I could both use a dose of that love, revelation and victory that Jesus died for. Happy Easter.

Bumper Sticker

As I was coming into work this morning, I saw this bumper sticker:

I like your Christ
But I don't like your christians
They are very unlike your Christ

It made me sad. Because it's true. And granted there are issues of sin, grace and forgiveness involved because sadly, we will never be sinless in this lifetime. But I thought, what if being like Christ became a serious priority for every person that proclaims Jesus as Lord and Savior? What if everyone laid down their selfishness and agendas and just tried to be like Jesus? How revolutionary would that be? He was one person. And He changed the world. Imagine if His followers made it a priority to be like Him as much as we could. How much would we change the world?

Pros and Cons...

Things I love about living in Seattle....

-Being surrounded by gorgeous nature and yet having all the advantages of urban living
-the flowers
-the beach and the mountains- together!
-NW Arts Group
-hearing sea lions barking at the beach (and seeing them occasionally as well!)
-comp tickets to theatre
-PF Chang's
-Sunday School
-our big, lovely apartment with a studio
-my greenhouse soon-to-be container garden
-watching the Pre-K kids play at the elementary school across the street
-the Sci-Fi museum
-my job (most of the time!)
-walking with my husband through our lovely neighborhood
-living close to and taking advantage of the zoo
-that Big Daddy Gorilla at the zoo is 2 years older than I am
-Sloth bears- they are funny!
-emcee-ing the Greenwood Seafair Parade (it's geeky, but it's fun)
-Trader Joe's-yummy organic foods for less!
-cool bookstores and art supply stores
-the views from the Space Needle (especially Mt. Rainier)
-hanging out with my cousin Margaret
-boat rides on Puget Sound
-going grocery shopping without having to put on make-up (heck, I even go to work that way sometimes!)
-The Library Cafe
-IKEA is a half hour away! MEATBALLS!
-sunny and cool summers
-it's very...diverse
-people who are in church want to be there, seeking Jesus, it's not about the culture and it's not just what you do...
-RECYCLING!!! People do care and want to steward the earth
-I got married here!

Things I don't like about living in Seattle...

-ridiculously high cost of living
-it's very hard to get to know people as most are too busy to become friends
-fleece at the opera
-people bring their dogs EVERYWHERE (including ridiculously expensive fancy restaurants...where people wear fleece)
-traffic, traffic, traffic
-bad bumpy roads
-rainy, dreary winters
-being so far away from our families and friends
-anti-christian mentality
-tree-hugging hypocrites who drive their gas guzzling SUV's all by themselves
-Trader Joe's parking lots

Things I miss about the south...

-my friends
-post Sunday service lunches out
-good restaurants- Apollo Flame, La Carreta, Tupelo Honey, Apollo Flame II, Asiana
-fried chicken and barbeque
-the accent
-visiting other small towns- Hendersonville, Boone, Blowing Rock, Black Mountain
-The Cove
-people being super friendly and hospitable
-reasonable cost of living
-my AC Moore discount
-the Blue Ridge Parkway

Things I don't miss about the south...

-the heat
-the humidity
-redneck mentality (although, it is EVERYWHERE)
-NASCAR insanity
-Bele Chere
-witches
-hypocrisy and out of control church culture
-having to put on make-up to go grocery shopping, having to "look nice" all the time because it was expected
-expectations


I can't decide whether I miss the term "Bless his/her heart" or not....sometimes it's really sincere as in, "She has what kind of cancer? Bless her heart!" or sometimes it's just a matter of trying to make whatever you say ok as in "I can't believe no one has told her that her man is cheating on her! Can you believe it? Bless her heart!"- so...the jury is still out on that one.

Judging by the lists, it seems that I like living in Seattle a lot. I'd say that's true- but it's just normal life to have pros and cons to everything. But it is still a lot to thank God for- and I do!

I'm not middle aged, but I can see it from here.

Wow. Holy Schmackers. I turned 37 on Saturday and all I can think is... how the heck did THAT happen? I certainly don't feel that old. Not at all. Although I read a quote the other day somewhere that said something about when in your 30's you wish you had the body you hated in your 20's- and I think that's very true.

I had to work on my birthday. So after opening presents and cards in the morning, I spent the day in dress rehearsal. Then my husband took me out for greek food (yummy, although the service was lame) and then as a BIG treat- there were Krispy Kreme doughnuts with SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUZZAH!!! Seriously, I have a weird thing for sprinkles. I LOVE THEM...on ice cream, cookies, doughnuts- love 'em. I don't like the colored sugar crystal variety- just all the other crazy, dye-filled globules of sugar. SPRINKLES! YAY! Weird, huh? Sprinkles. Sprinkles. Sprinkles. I just like the word. Sprinkles.

My husband got me gardening tools for my birthday (Good going, baby!) And I am happy as a clam. I bought a small greenhouse and things are growing like mad. The green beans are bionic- the basil sprouted in 2 days! It's awesome. I love watching things grow and I can't wait to move everything outside. If you are a gardener of any sort- you need to get you some WORM POOP! Seriously- it's like a magic potion for plants. It's called TerraCycle and you can get it at Home Depot. It comes in recycled pop bottles- it's organic and it's FABULOUS!!!

Funny what makes a 37 year old happy. Sprinkles and worm poo. Go figure.

True Confessions

I am blogging. I've been fussed at for being remiss in this practice (thank you, Cassie- I fuss at you- you fuss at me- what are friends for?) so here's one that is sadly, less than warm and fuzzy.

It's been a busy couple of months for me, particularly at work. I confess this makes me a bit nervous as this is the "slow" time of year. But for now, all 5 current touring shows are up and running, one mainstage has run it's course and while we will head into tech for the next mainstage this week- There is still much to do (it's amazing how complicated 2 costumes can get) but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and things will have a more normal pace, at least through this month.

It's also been a hard couple of months for me- I am battling depression more than I ever have in my life- and I really haven't been talking about it. It started about the first of the year and hasn't really let up. The people in my life that I care about seem burdened by their own struggles and busy-ness- so I don't want to add more. I don't know if that's right- but I have always been that way- so I muddle through on my own and trust because God has always been faithful to pull me through depression. I feel weary and overwhelmed a lot of the time now. So, I just don't think about it and keep on keepin' on. I think part of the issue is my being determined to be obedient about somethings I felt like God told me to do a long time ago- and I have finally stepped up to the plate. I've started praying in earnest again- don't know if I am making much headway- but it's nice to hang out in the presence of God again. I "adopted" a couple of orphans in Africa- $25 a month seems so little to ask to keep a child alive. And I am really trying to be healthy. We are plugging into church more and pursuing this with intention- hanging out with fellow artists and making new friends. This may not seem like much- but I know it is because the pressure cooker has clicked ON. I don't think the devil likes what is going on- and so things are hard right now. I can feel the warfare swirling about me. And I know it's warfare, I know the devil will lose (even when it feels like he's winning) and that gives me the hope and faith to keep on keepin' on. I've been through this before, and I'm sure it'll happen again. And on the other side of this time when depression, loss of joy and being overwhelmed by even the simple tasks of life has passed- God will show me how I've grown and what miracles He has worked during this time- and for that, I am thankful. But, boy oh boy, I will sure be glad to be on the other side.

Pursuing God, and why we do it

Here's something interesting- check it out- http://www.dickstaub.com/culturewatch.php?record_id=1105

I enjoy Dick Staub- he's got some interesting things to say- and one of these days, Marty and I are going to make it over to Kindlings Muse to see/hear the program. As we talk about calling in our Sunday School class- it seems to keep coming back to relationship with God. As in, our own. I keep thinking that if you get that intimacy in place, the rest will come. Like getting the first button on your shirt right, as my old pastor used to say. Calling will be clear- our first calling is definitely to God himself. Like most relationships, it requires some time- which is counter cultural to what we Americans know as we go eighty billion miles an hour. But it is well worth the effort. I've been enjoying getting back to a worship/prayer time. I'm not a hundred percent consistent yet and I don't show up with a list- I just show up. I haven't "heard" anything earth shattering and profound yet- but I have felt God's presence and love surrounding me and that's enough. Like Dick Staub talks about- I feel like He must change me from the inside so that I can be effective in the world- and why not let Him?

I'd forgotten how much fun it is just to hang out with Him.

One Night with the King

I just watched the movie, One Night with the King- about Queen Esther. It was a visually lovely movie- very lavish- good costumes, etc. etc.... There were some historical issues, changing the king's name, how the whole fasting and approaching the king went down, etc. etc. The movie had some continuity issues, particularly surrounding a necklace which was a major plot point in the movie (which also had some questionable issues historically- such as, was the star of David such a symbol for Judaism at this point in history?) but all in all was kind of interesting to watch. It raised some questions in my mind, particularly because, like many women- I really like the book of Esther and have had oh, a kabillion kinds of teachings on it.

Most teachings I've had have been about Esther's faith and obedience. Obedience to Mordecai (whose role was a bit downplayed compared to scripture) Obedience to the king, etc. etc. Heck, I've even had teaching on all the beauty treatments she received! And while I have nothing against obedience (personal experience says it's best to obey than rebel) I wonder...

For instance, Queen Vashti. She always gets the short end of the stick. She didn't want to be paraded in front of her drunken husband and his drunken friends. That Jezebel. Well, this is often how she is portrayed in teachings, at least the ones I have received. She didn't submit to her husband and look what happened to her! Let that be a lesson to you! But I think- even the most submissive wives of leaders that I know probably wouldn't be keen to be paraded about in front of a bunch of drunks. Also, here's a thought- if Vashti HAD obeyed her husband, what then, would have been the fate of the Jews? Ah. Hmmmm.... If Vashti would have obeyed her husband, and all would have continued on as is, would Haman have had his way- and would all the Jews have been annihilated?

Perhaps, since the great I AM is the great I AM....He could foresee all this- and for all we know, gave Vashti a valid reason to disobey her husband, knowing what would happen so that Esther could be in a place "for such a time as this." It's times like these when I wish the amplified Bible were even more amplified, you know what I mean? God sees the big picture and I am constantly amazed how He coordinates circumstances, situations and people to get His will accomplished in the earth.

Another thing about this movie that got me thinking... How God does indeed bless obedience. How scary for Hadassah to become queen- rules, protocol, dresses that weigh a million pounds, having to be wise- and be a wife- to someone she barely knows? Loves? While the Bible does talk about how Esther found favor in the king's eyes- what the movie presented was the fact they had a mutual loving relationship. And while all that may not appear in the scriptures, per se- to me, it keeps with the nature and character of the God that I love and serve. Why should the king listen to her if she was only a trophy wife- good for nothing but her beauty? I don't think so. I also don't think that God would have given Esther and unhappy marriage. She was obedient and I think they must have had a good marital relationship. They loved and trusted one another- isn't that interesting. And often glossed over in teachings that concentrate on Esther's seemingly blind submission and faith. I don't think God desires us to have blind submission and faith- our pursuing Him, our RELATIONSHIP with Him- causes us to have faith and to be able to submit and obey- even to the point of facing death. The whole sceptre of favor thing in the movie was a very intense moment, one that I think also can get glossed over. It's one of the better scenes- Esther approaching the kind amidst the yelling and squawking of the advisors about broken protocol in a culture where protocol was everything. What she did was a really, really big deal. And whether it was for a valid reason or because she was a Jezebel- I am thankful that Vashti didn't obey her husband and that the jewish people have a reason to celebrate Purim.

The Beaches, the Burches and the (N)elmes....

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Guilford, Connecticut, there lived three families.
The Beaches- Ken, Ann and their daughters Kathleen and Jena.
The Burches- Donald, Diane and their daughter, Sarah.
The Nelmes- Jim and Jan, who had no children. She was a high school science teacher, there's a great photo of her with a dissected cat. Ew. And she had a fabulous shell collection.

These families all attended the First Congregational Church in Guilford, which is how they met. In addition to many joyous church activities including singing in the choir, pageants, picnics, teaching Sunday school, advent potluck suppers, talent shows- these families were very much a part of each other's lives.

Ken Beach would cook fantastic chinese dinners, making sure ALL of the above mentioned folks were there as there was a course for each person present.

The Nelmes had volleyball and barbeques at their house almost every Saturday during the summer, and they always let everyone play, no matter how bad they were. After all, how could you get better if you didn't play?

The girls would put on concerts and plays. Kathleen played the flute, Sarah played the oboe and Jena played the cello. Mostly, these were performed at the Burch's house, as there was a little "stage" spot at the foot of the stairs. Favorite "plays" that were put on (mostly by Sarah and Jena, Kathleen was a little too "mature" for these) were Cinderella and many a "Barbara Walters Special." "Barbara" interviewed many famous folks including Michael Jackson, Boy George and Mother Nature. Hilarity ensued.

The girls also went to Girl Scout camp together, but that's another story.

Anniversaries of the three couples were celebrated every year with a big dinner, a silly sign saying such things as "Joyful Nuptual Commemoration" and the ritual passing of the tacky anniversary wine glasses- still in the box, of course. Other celebrations included Edgar Allen Poe's birthday and family birthday's as well. Ann and Sarah shared a birthday on March 17th.

Sarah called Jim Nelmes "Shorty." He was about 6'2" and he sold caskets for a living. The Nelmes called her "Munchkin" and sent her silver candlesticks when she got married. As they had no children of their own, Sarah often felt "adopted" by them.

When Sarah was 12, she was in the hospital for a long time. She had a weird sinus condition that caused scar tissue to build up in her sinuses. She was very ill, although, she had a good time in the hospital making friends and tissue flowers so she didn't understand how sick she was. Shorty and/or Mrs. Nelmes visited her almost every day. They brought ice cream and toys. They gave her a doll, whom she named Emily, who is still with her, 25 years later.

When the Burches moved to Illinois, Sarah still needed to finish school. She lived with the Beaches and on Monday nights, she would go have supper with Shorty and Mrs. Nelmes. After supper, she and Shorty would watch Fraggle Rock. One time, they watched "Something Wicked this Way comes." The spider scene still gives her the willies.

After the Burches moved, the Beaches also moved. Only the Nelmes still lived in Guilford. There were holiday cards and occasional visits. Beloved pets died- dogs named Ruff and Happy and cats named George, Tuffy, Abby and JB. Children grew up and got married and life went on. There were still solid ties of friendship and many, many happy memories. These families loved each other very much.

Today, Diane called Sarah to inform her that she had received a phone call from Jan. Shorty had a heart attack and died. He was 58 years old.

Sarah cried.

She was also thankful for the love and the happy memories and privilege of being a part of this man's life. She hopes to remember to never take life for granted, because even though it seems it will always go on, it doesn't. She also hopes to remember to never let people forget how much she loves them.

Snowflakes

We've had some crazy weather here in Seattle lately. It's been like "real" winter! Normally, everything is very temperate here- but not lately! It's a little nutty. But I like it.

The other night, I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake Marty so I grabbed my favorite blanket and curled up on a chair in the living room by the window to watch it snow. It was about 1am- nice and quiet except for the occasional car sliding through the intersection. I just don't understand why people think if they drive an SUV they can drive like they normally do in winter weather. These nincompoops make the roads so dangerous as they slipslide about. But, I digress.

So, the snow was coming down in big fluffy flakes. Softly falling. It was soooooo pretty. And as I sat watching thousands of snowflakes falling, I got to thinking about how no two snowflakes are alike. It blew my mind. Each one of those thousands of snowflakes I watched during that half hour or so was COMPLETELY UNIQUE. Wow. SNOWFLAKES!!!!! Little bits of frozen precipitation that have very small lifespans and yet are completely, uniquely, beautifully designed! Little bits of precipitations that individually don't make a dent in the grand scheme of eternity! But they are each a masterpiece! And people don't think God exists!

Then I got to thinking how unique people are and how BIG God must be to have designed all of us (and STILL has time to design a kabillion unique bits of frilly, lacey, frozen precipitation) How can people think we crawled out of the muck? One of my favorite things my old pastor used to say was if you put a bunch of watch bits in a bag and shook it for a thousand years- it wouldn't be a watch. It would still be bits. We need the Creator.

Look at all the beautiful people in the world. All different shapes and sizes and colors. All of us with different personalities, giftings, interests and DNA. No two are exactly alike- and we're all so terribly complex. For instance, I can't do algebra or speak french- but I can tell what size someone wears pretty much by just looking at them. (Pretty handy in my line of work) And we all speak different languages- as if the same "UGG" could become latin, french, spanish, aramaic, navajo... I mean, COME ON! AND to boggle the mind even further, God not only created everyone- but He knows the number of hairs on our HEADS. Granted, that's more to remember for some than others. : ) But still, we have a God who cares enough to create masterpieces of tiny precipitation. He loves beauty. And yet, we live in a society where we don't value the creation of life, of each other, of every human being- all who have value and are completely unique. We are not in awe of the Creator capable of creating the magnificent diversity of everything and everyone. What is wrong with us? Are we so self-centered we cannot look around with the wonder of children? I don't know many people who don't enjoy watching a quiet and beautiful snowfall. But I know many people who cannot find the same joy in watching each person, who is more unique, beautiful, precious and valuable than a snowflake. I find it all quite amazing.

At long last, an update.

Yes. It is shameful the amount of time that has passed since I have last blogged. But I warned y'all that November and December would be INSANE and I spent what little free time I had during those months doing frivolous things such as...sleeping. But suffice it to say- we've all survived and for the most part, had a great time. Some of the highlights....

-It's a Wonderful Life: A Live Radio Play- opened to mostly great reviews. It's a warm and fuzzy show. Lessons learned:
# 1-Grant Goodeve is a great guy- but he has a seriously twisted sense of humor.
# 2-Although a fabric may be darn pretty and have pretty twinkly sequin snowflakes on it, if it's synthetic- it is also pretty darn prone to capturing body odor like nobody's business. Several trips to the drycleaner later- I have learned not to be seduced by sparkly snowflakes. My deepest apologies and condolences to Lisa- who had to wear the dress (she looked fantastic) and to Grant- who stood very close to her for much of the show.

-The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge- opened to good audiences and good reviews in Tacoma. Financially, TAG's proverbial bacon was saved- and the powers that be learned lessons in regards to- “Yes, Virginia, you really do need to have a full time person working in the costume shop so that guest designers do not have mental breakdowns.”
Lessons learned:
# 1- Problem children actors are still problem children actors a year later.
# 2- When it's blizzard conditions during tech and it's a 40 mile drive one way- it is always best to ride with a friend. (Thanks Scott and Pam!)
# 3- It's not as far as we think to a mental meltdown during the holidays. Thanks to God for grace and to Stephanie for saving my tush by doing all the last minute costume notes because I couldn't get to Tacoma.

-Four touring shows opened and were highly successful.
Lesson learned:
#1- Christmas touring shows are much easier than school touring. Merry Christmas to me.

-The Creche Collector- our play at church was awesome!
Lessons learned:
# 1- there really is nothing worse than a bad church play. Thank you, Lord, that this wasn't a bad church play. Thank you, Jeff, for holding the bar so high.
# 2- This is the second time I've been cast as a mean old lady....hmmmm....
# 3- I am very grateful for all the friends, memories, laughter and good times we've had.
# 4- I am also very thankful for all the people at church who are surprised that I played "Aunt Pookie" because I am "too pretty" in real life.
# 5- Playing mean old ladies is REALLY, REALLY fun.

Other lessons learned during the holidays:

#1- I have a great husband.
#2- Don't assume that when you see 7 of something in a store that you want to buy your great husband in November that it will be there when you go back in December- even if the same 7 items have been sitting on the shelf for the past year.
#3- Amazon is my friend. They always have the item, and can get it to you the week before Christmas- which makes aforementioned great husband happy.
#4- Not all fonts will willingly load to computers and print for a Christmas letter- plan accordingly.
#5- Buy Christmas wrapping and cards the year before. Less spendy.
#6- Cake and cookie mixes and canned frosting make people just as happy as making things from scratch. If it comes from an oven instead of a store, people think you are Martha Stewart.
#7- Seattle's monorail NEVER works.
#8- Enjoying downtown Christmas shopping in Seattle would be less stressful in early December instead of a few days before Christmas.
#9- Sometimes white elephant gifts are really a hoot. (see the Jesus/Mary clock on my husband's blog)
#10- Jesus is really the reason for the season.

Other things that have happened in the past couple of months:
#1- My parents moved from Illinois to Iowa. They are the "babies" in a senior citizen condo complex.
#2- The cats got sick. Max because, well, we don't know- but he's better and Mickey got sick for eating everything not nailed down that we were trying to get Max to eat. Little glutton.
#3- A visit to the Dead Sea Scrolls. It’s amazing how much the passages of these are so close to the ones in the Bible. Very cool stuff.
#4- A joyous Christmas spent with members of our new church family. Affectionately referred to as “The Festival of Gluttony.” A turkey dinner, snacks and a 5 course prime rib dinner were among the highlights.

….And a partridge in a pear tree……. So now I head into a more quiet couple of months. The first two shows of the season are small and easy. We are remounting one of last years touring shows- things won’t start getting crazy until March. Marty and I are hoping to go to Hawaii in February to visit his friend Karen and her family before they move this summer. It’ll be a nice way to celebrate birthdays and our first anniversary. This first year has FLOWN by- it’s still great being married! Well- that’s all for now- I wish you and yours a very blessed and happy New Year!

All apparition parts present and accounted for...

Found him- that pesky ghost of Christmas Future- of course, the box was in a very obvious spot with all the touring clothes- where else would it be? With the rest of the Scrooge costumes? Nonsense! That would actually be practical. OY. I am just thankful Future has all his parts now. It's quite the ordeal- he is about 7'6" tall with all his parts, and I don't really want to have to rebuild him. If you'll excuse me, I need to go do the happy dance.

I have lost the head of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come....

Seriously. And what a heckuva thing to lose. I've lost his mind, and his hands, and his shoulders. I know they are SOMEWHERE- but heck if I know where. This is a dilemma. I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas shows- I really need those body parts to reappear. They are in a box tucked away in an obvious spot, I am sure. Sigh. I pray that they appear in a timely manner.

Meanwhile, I've been playing Christmas music to try and get pumped up to get these shows done, it's a little funky listening to "It's a Marshmallow World" before Halloween. But we do what we have to do. So far, all shows seem to be going well (THANK YOU, JESUS!) with the exception of the stray apparition parts.

We are also getting ready for Halloween. We're participating in the Trunk or Treat at church- we're doing a pirate theme- and we're doing it RIGHT! I am quite excited, the treasure chest appeared today- the wigs are done, costumes pulled, pumpkins (to be dressed as pirates) purchased. I am looking forward to it.

And that's life. Christmas in October. Glory.

Christmas time is here....

Well, we survived Arms and the Man. And after miles and miles of trim, the soldiers look Bulgarian and don't look like they are fighting the war of Northern Aggression. The show actually looks pretty darn good. And that, as Martha says, is a "good thing." I'd hate to have gone through all that drama and have it all look like crap. So the show is up and running and life goes on.

And how does life go on? Why, it's Christmas time again. Yep, not quite October and it's time to break out the Christmas music to "get in the mood." We had poster shoots for It's a Wonderful Life Radio Play this week and next week, the show loads into the shop. Costumes are designed, patterns are ordered- stitchers are scheduled. Ta da. I went shopping last week and found some fabu vintage ties in red and green, of course. I think this show will be quite fun- and a great deal less complicated than the last show. But that's probably good because there are FOUR touring shows that need to be put together at the same time. We're also remounting The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge in Tacoma and just found out the lady who wears the most costumes dropped out. Not a problem except the director wants to cast someone half her size. Well, that just means a raise for me and that I will be "in tech" for about a month. Que sera, sera. I just love Doris Day.

I had visions of homemade Christmas gifts this year- but between all the shenanigans at work and the Christmas play at church- I am not sure that will happen. In the meantime, today is my day OFF and I really don't know what to do with myself. There are many projects that need doing, but somehow, I want to be a bum. Until next time...ttfn.

The uniform saga continues....

...Seriously. Will it EVER end? Today- I am madly sewing trim so those Bulgarian, Russian and Serbian officers don't look like they are fighting the war of Northern Aggression. Yep- we're making General Grant and General Lee look like they're from central Europe. I thought this nasty chapter of my life was over...but, alas, it is not. At this point- I don't even want to see the show- how is THAT for a terrible attitude? Bad Sarah. I am trying- but I am running on the pure grace of God at this point. Hopefully- I will have something other than uniforms consuming my life soon. TTFN

Victory over Bulgarian Officer Uniforms!!

Granted, this is not an issue most people face in their lives. But over the past couple months, I have been on a quest for Victorian era Bulgarian officers uniforms. Seriously. We need them for our production of Arms and the Man which dresses, oh, on Friday. As of last Thursday- still no uniforms. I was going crazy. Finding these stupid uniforms had pretty much taken over my life.

Back in beginning of August, I thought about trying to have them built. It would be great to have some in stock. That didn't work out since most uniform companies are madly building band uniforms this time of year. So we decided- renting it is. Ok- so I contact the 3 biggest rental houses in the US- one in New York City (which I used to frequent when I was in Philly) and 2 in LA- no luck. The people in other theatres in town SWEAR they got their uniforms from LA when they did Arms and the Man. And that may very well be, but the other challenge we are facing is that one of the actors we are trying to find a uniform for is 6'6" and another is 6'3"- for anyone who has ever rented or borrowed, they know that most uniforms are TINY. So this has been another...ahem... challenge(pain in my tush). And since I am not designing this show, there has also been a lot of confusing third party communication with our very busy guest designer. And to top it all off...at work, our server crashed so I did not have access to any of the responses to the 20+ inquiries I sent out as of last week. Needless to say, I had the entire company praying like crazy- and I prayed, but quite frankly, I was too busy trying to find those DANG UNIFORMS!

Thankfully- on Thursday afternoon and into Friday morning- I began working with a wonderful group of people at a rental house in New York called "The Costumer." These ladies, Anne and Erika- have been a delight to work with. And while the uniforms are not the uniforms of our dreams, they are in the ballpark and they FIT and with a little strategic trim- they will be the uniforms of our dreams. AND (God is good- ALL the time) they turned out to cost much less than originally quoted- which means we won't go over budget! Huzzah! Suffice it to say- I've spent the majority of time over the past 2 weeks working on this project and if I never see another uniform, I'll be a happy girl. But that is a very unrealistic expectation in my line of work. I am just happy we found them, in fact, I feel like a 50lb. weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have actually slept through the night the past few days.

I wish I could say I was calm and full of peace and grace during this process, but I think I pretty much flunked that. I am thankful for my husband, who was surprisingly patient and supportive and extremely thankful for God- who didn't love me any less during that time than He does when I am calm and full of peace and grace. I find that concept mind boggling and extremely comforting. I really tried to be full of calm and peace and joy- blah, blah, blah. But- sadly, the flesh won out in that battle. I have repented and moved on- but oh, how I hate it when I behave badly- especially when non-believers are involved. Oh well.

In other news- we auditioned for the Christmas play at Northwest yesterday. I actually had a great time. Poor Marty was very nervous- but I thought he did great- and I say that with my "director brain" vs. my "wife heart." There was a scene he did with another lady- a difficult scene- and there was so much beautiful subtlety in it- I was really impressed. Amazingly enough, the role I had the most fun with was "Aunt Pookie" who really is a mean old biddy- and I was the youngest to read for her. But she's a hoot to play. "I guess I should be ashamed that I didn't love him. But I'm not." She really is a mean old biddy.

I am intrigued to see what happens. The group of folks who auditioned look like a fun group to get involved with- they are big fun. And I am DELIGHTED to not be the one in charge, after directing Christmas plays for 5 years running (in addition to acting, designing and building sets and costumes and lights- egad) and then having to block the variety shows (snooze) for 3 more years after that. Running a drama ministry is exhausting and draining. Right now, I am just happy to be part of the team and leave the running, directing and managing to someone else.

So that's all the news here. Life feels pretty good today. Mostly because we have victory over those dang uniforms. Funny what makes you lose your peace, isn't it?

Touching base....

For the whole 2 people that read my blog... yes, I am still here. It is August and we in the Taproot Costume Shop are up to our eyeballs. This week we are still working on Arms and the Man (rehearsals start tonight) I have fittings for the new Road Company shows and the summer camps are doing the musical Jane Eyre. And that is just this week. But this too, shall pass. By December, I'll be sitting around eating bon-bons. Ha.

Over the weekend Marty and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It seems like no time and all the time in the world and I don't understand how that works. Marty made me a great video that made me cry...you can check it out on his blog- it's posted there. We ate a high priced steak dinner (excellent) and went book shopping. All in all, a very good night. I really appreciate my husband- he's a really great guy. He's going through some hard stuff spiritually right now, and I am plumb wore out praying for him until the wee hours for the past month or so, but he's worth it! I love him so very much. He's a trooper. His loyalty and faithfulness to anything (people, art, work) he puts his hand, heart and soul to never ceases to amaze me.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. I have lots of thoughts rolling about in my head spiritually. I finally finished "What's so Amazing about Grace?" by Philip Yancey- and it's a darn good read. The final chapters had some very interesting things to say about the church and politics- very thought provoking and truthful...and balanced. I had a bit of a "glimmer" of revelation of where and why "the church" has gone wonky. I started his book, "The Jesus I never knew" this morning and I am looking forward to another good tushy-kicker.

I've been very challenged as of late to really start taking care of people. I am not sure how this will manifest- but I want to look past myself and my own and start taking care of those who need help. I don't know what opportunities will present themselves, but I am watchful. I have been pondering "adopting" some AIDS orphans in Africa, $25 a month to keep someone alive and schooled doesn't seem like much...so now, it's a matter of how many? I just don't know- but I feel very challenged to get down off my soapbox and start living as a christian should. I still have my "issues" with the church, but I am tired of thinking, analyzing and re-hashing all of it. I'd rather be the one who changes people's minds about Christ and christians than one who just gripes about the church all the time. I am sick of listening to myself. I just want to be the person Jesus died for- the person He wants me to be. I have no idea how to do that- I feel pretty far over my head- but I am going to try. And make mistakes. And try again. And try again. And trust that His mercies are new everyday- because I think I am going to need it even more than I already do now.

The Insanity ensues...

Well, it suddenly occurred to me that I haven't blogged in awhile- and it's because the August-November/December insanity at Camp Taproot is in full swing. It's amazing- but I bet I do about 70% of my job in this time frame. Currently, we're working on building costumes for Arms and the Man- set in 1870's Bulgaria. Let me tell you- ordering clothing from Bulgaria is not as easy as it sounds. Nope- not a bit. I must confess I am enjoying working with our guest designer, Carisa- she's one of the first people who befriended me when I moved to Seattle and we just have a grand time being girls together. It makes the process that much more enjoyable. We had a grand time shopping for fabric in Portland in spite of spending about 9 hours in the car during that day.

I am also getting 2 new Road Company shows together that need to be done by the first week of September- always exciting- the Road Company shows. Next year, we're hiring someone to do the Road Company so that I can devote myself to designing and building the Importance of Being Earnest. Big Fun. We are also extending the run of Smoke on The Mountain (check out Marty's blog for details) so that's usually got some work involved on a daily basis. Suffice it to say, I am certainly not bored. Smoke has been getting great audiences- who sing through most of Act II and great reviews. My personal favorite review comes from the Seattle Gay News- and I think it's brilliant that it comes from the Seattle Gay News- they actually reviewed the play instead of doing a plot summary (do those kind of reviews drive anyone else up a wall?)

As if that weren't enough to do, we start pre-production for Christmas next week. Yep. Christmas. At Taproot this year- we are doing "It's a Wonderful Life Radio Play" starring (yep- get ready for it) GRANT GOODEVE as George Bailey. Admit it, you watched him on Eight is Enough and Fantasy Island. We're all pretty excited about it. Usually, we can't afford him- don't know what changed about that- but he's in the Christmas show. Hard to believe I'll have the delight of taking his inseam measurement. Wahoo. Seriously though, I have worked with enough "names" to know they're just normal folk- some are very nice, and some aren't. I hear Grant falls in the former category. Now I am just 2 degrees separated from BIBLE MAN. Rock on!

We are also remounting The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge at TAG in Tacoma this year- should be fun- hopefully not too much work (we have mostly the same cast) and the extra paycheck at Christmas will be welcome. We also have 3 touring shows that need to be ready to go by the first week of December. If you see a quivering heap in the corner of Taproot's Costume shop around Thanksgiving, no worries, it's just me. Actually- I am sure it'll all be fine- just have to take it a day at a time and flow the best you can. Still, it's a lot of plates spinning and "real life" continues as well.

We're not sure what we're doing for the holidays- might go to Florida if we can swing it- time to start the "family holiday juggle" that accompanies marriage. Thankfully- we have very understanding parents- so hopefully, it'll all work out.
So that's about it for us-for me, if you don't hear me blog for awhile- now you know why, my husband is pretty good about blogging the highlights of our lives- so check him out. He's pretty darn funny too. We'll be married 6 months on the 19th- feels like forever and it feels like yesterday- still love him big bunches.

The church I am looking for....

So my husband did this HUUUUGEEEE blog about the kind of church he's looking for. It's pretty interesting and I am in agreement with him- but that got me thinking- what am I looking for in a church? So here goes (this is an ever changing process so bear with me....)

1. A Church where Christ is Lord. Everything points to Him always and amen.

2. A place where culture doesn't have equal footing with Christ- seriously. Been there- done that- it's idolatry. I think this push towards "relevance" can cloud issues- not that it's not important to meet people where they are- it is- but Jesus did that. It is the Holy Spirit who touches people's hearts- not how trendy we dress or how cool our music is.

3. Cool music, I know, I know- I am contradicting myself. But I love to worship. I love worship teams who worship instead of singing songs. I think if people were more concerned with meeting God and ushering in His presence than with the mix in the monitor...well, interesting things would happen.

4. A place of outreach- concerned with more than us four. Seriously- a place where people are welcome no matter what. I, for one, am thankful Jesus didn't expect me to get all shiny and happy before He let me accept Him- or before I was accepted. I am seeking a place that looks to the community and the world- not to bang them over the head with a Bible or condemn them- but to take care of them. I find it fascinating that the Seattle region seems to have a consistent heart for Africa- it's pretty amazing. I want to see missions- local and international.

5. A House of Prayer. If this is a top priority.... Wow. God shows up. 'Nuff said.

6. A place that is genuine. I won't get on my soapbox of "shiny happy christians"- but I want to be somewhere where it's ok to struggle and be in process and for other people to know it's ok too- a place of extreme grace.

7. A place of friends- to be genuine and seek God with- and to laugh a lot.

Well, that's the short list. It's out there somewhere. We'll find it. I gotta go- I am late for church.
God Bless.

http://www.the-next-wave-ezine.info/issue91/index.cfm?id=14&ref=ARTICLES%5FESSAY%5F234

I know, I know...it's a link- to a very interesting essay on "health" of the spiritual variety- I just find it fascinating and I am relieved to find I am not the only one pondering this issue in our culture of megachurches and "beautiful people." Seriously- read the essay- here's a glimpse....

Dallas Willard writes, "So we must see from our heart that: Blessed are the physically repulsive, Blessed are those who smell bad, The twisted, misshapen, deformed, The too big, too little, too loud, The bald, the fat, and the old- For they are all riotously celebrated in the party of Jesus."

also...

"Picture again the coffee-clutch: twelve beautiful people sitting in a comfortable room talking about God. A group of twelve healthy persons who are only healthy because they purposely exclude any persons with messy lives is not a healthy community. The cliché is that “the dead sea is dead because it has no outlet.”

Amen.

The truth about 4 letter words....

I read this yesterday, and it had the quite profound impact on me. The speaker is Tony Campolo and he's speaking at a Christian College, probably several years ago...

"The United Nations reports that over 10,000 people starve to death each day, and most of you don't give a shit. However, what is even more tragic is that most of you are more concerned about that fact that I just said a bad word than you are about the fact that 10,000 people are going to die today."

Wow.
Ouch.
And, ain't that the truth with most church folks? Sadly, he did get several letters regarding his bad language- and not a single letter addressing the issue of people dying.

Seriously, in my past, there have been times that this kind of attitude has been very prevalent with me...and I deeply repent those times. I'm thankful that God is making me more aware of what is truly important than the petty issues we all seem to get caught up in. This statement got me to pondering legalism. The interesting thing about legalists is that they don't think they are being legalistic- seriously. They are earnest and sincere. (I was) And I thought about the lure of legalism. It's extremely seductive. Philip Yancey says that "legalism disguises our need to receive grace." He also states that the opposite of sin is grace, not virtue. Interesting. I think legalism, in whatever form it comes in, don't drink, don't chew- don't go with girls that do, etc. etc.... is very comforting. There is a set of guidelines to follow and you know what to do to be "righteous." For instance, my legalism took the form of: read at least 3 chapters of the Bible everyday, journal, pray for an hour, submit to authority without question, dress a certain way, you can drink- but not too much, you can't be alone with a person of the opposite sex, etc. etc...and that is what defined my christianity. Some of these things were actually good things- but if you missed a day or screwed up-you felt like you were a bad christian...well, there's no life in that. I think many people get sucked into that kind of thinking because the concept of grace is SO mindblowing and legalism is easier to wrap your brain around. There are little checkpoints that you have to make sure you're doing everything right.

Philip Yancey also states, "By it's very nature, legalism encourages hypocrisy because it defines a set of behavior that may cloak what is going on inside." How true is this? We've all been taken aback by the news that someone's marriage is falling apart or something horrible is going on- and we had no idea that was happening. That-serial-killer-seemed-like-such-a-nice-fellow-syndrome. I think that shiny-happy-christianity is a perfect breeding ground for legalism. You know what is expected of you- and you can make the outside match-up even if the inside is a disaster. Thank God for His infinite mercy and grace- even for we recovering legalists.

My dad once called me "self-righteous"- I think it's probably the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me. And I think, he was right. I was self-righteous- with the best intentions. Legalism is such a clever trap- so seductive- so easy to fall into.

Right now, I don't feel righteous at all- and that's probably not a bad place to be. I think the confusion that I've been dealing with recently finds it's roots in legalism and religion- not in Christ- not in my faith in my Abba Father- but in things that man has twisted out of whack. Currently, we are not tightly involved in any particular church- we do have a church we have been attending regularly- but we haven't been there long enough to know the culture or anything like that. I feel like I am flailing about like a fish out of water. But yesterday, I had the revelation that - at the moment- there are no "legalistic" pressures around me. And subconsciously, I think I've been seeking that- something to tell me that I'm ok- that I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. There are no expectations really placed on me- so I don't know what to do. I've been going crazy trying to meet expectations that don't exist. It's exhausting. So now, I really just need to pursue God and find out what HIS expectations are- and I have a pretty good idea about that- it's all in THE BOOK.

I am not sure, but I don't think I am the only one who gets off track once in a while, or more than once in awhile. But I am thankful for the revelation of Holy Spirit to get me back on track and renew my mind.

I believe every denomination has it's own brand of legalism- no one is immune. If you think you're immune, you might be legalistic. Legalism pulls us away from the truth. It pulls us away from intimacy with Jesus and pulls us away from what God has called us to do...The Great Commandment and The Great Commission. It's much easier to get all indignant about a cuss word, tattoo or hem length and puff ourselves up with self-righteousness than it is to love and bless that person who cut you off in traffic or held up the grocery checkout line forever. Legalism also creates division in the Body of Christ- which is tragic. I guess it's a lifelong battle- one I choose to keep fighting.

Confusion runs amuck in my mind....

I spent last week with friends from my past. It's been quite the experience. We had lots of fun- but I got nervous whenever discussion turned to anything "spiritual." These discussions sent a lot of things that I have sorted out in the past year back into the windmills of my mind- and they're spinning very fast.
I came from a prosperity/abundance church culture- and I've been really examining my thinking in regard to what God means by prosperity and abundance. Things started seeming a little wacky to me- and I began to wonder about it- so I began to think, and read my Bible, and think some more. And I believe there were some things in my old way of thinking that were off track. I have come to believe that having "life abundantly" means something different than it is usually preached. How about abundant struggles? abundant character building? abundant prayer? abundant sacrifice? You don't hear too many messages preached about that sort of thing- it usually comes back to material goods and being successful- as the world sees successful. Those kind of messages make folks feel warm and fuzzy and hopeful. But the Bible says you cannot serve Jesus and mammon- and I think that particular line has been blurred quite a bit. Messages that preach that kind of abundance and prosperity seem to me to be more self-help motivation talks than actually studying the Word.
I have nothing against having money. Really. In fact, I much prefer to have money than to not- I have been on both sides of the fence in that regard.
I don't know how to respond to messages of that kind of prosperity anymore. Truly. Sometimes, I get fearful that I am missing something or am missing out on what God is doing. Am I in rebellion? That is a question I often ask myself. Am I apathetic? I think I probably am- a little- just as a response to all the "church culture" and hullabaloo- Or am I guilty of ACEDIA- another word closely related to sloth- that involves not being obedient to what God has called me to for any number of reasons (excuses). AM I OFF TRACK??????
The desire of my heart is to know what truth is- to be intimate with God, to be intimate with Jesus and the Holy Spirit and to be obedient. I find that I don't need to do GREAT THINGS FOR GOD (oh dear, is that apathy? sloth? acedia?) and yet, I don't want to miss out on my potential either- it's all terribly perplexing sometimes. Everyone has an opinion. Am I tapped into the right ones? Should I be living life just on a daily basis, taking things as they come and doing my best to be obedient and glorify God in that moment? Or, should I be prophesying, evanglizing and attempting to do GREAT THINGS FOR GOD? I just don't know.
Sometimes, I feel like I am quite capable of doing great things for God, I have many wonderful and amazing stories of Him and of His faithfulness in my journey. But there seem to be so many people wanting to do GREAT THINGS FOR GOD- that I wonder- who is doing the small things that still need doing? They are probably just as important to Him. But that seems to counter a lot of what I have heard and have been taught. Am I missing something? Many people think these big fancy "prosperous" preachers are all that and a bag of chips- and I am very skeptical. Am I on crack? Am I crazy to think that God's blessing is something more than the American Dream with Jesus and a side of fries? That I think that God's blessing is the privilege of being created and cooperating with Him to get His purposes accomplished here on earth? That I can trust Him to take care of me no matter what? That my walk with Him is about making me more Christlike in my character than it is in being rich to "advance the kingdom of God" or in my owning real estate? Am I crazy to believe what the Bible says about the best things are yet to come? I get tired of the "name it and claim it" mentality- I believe in standing in faith on the promises of God- but do I have the right to make demands of Him- like He's Santa or something? I believe in the authority given to me by Jesus- but sometimes, I don't know- that privilege seems to be abused and used in weird ways. It's a pity that WWJD became so cliche- so watered down- because sometimes, in daily life- that would be a good thing to ask ourselves. Really, what would Jesus do? How would He treat this particular person? What would He say or give in this particular situation? Grrrr- excuse my rambling- my thoughts are all topsy turvy this week.

And so it begins.....

That's one of my favorite lines from The Lord of the Rings- spoken by one of my favorites, Theoden (for the record, I find his moments with Eowyn some of the most beautiful in all the movies). In this case, the "it" is the insanity that begins in June and won't end until well after Thanksgiving. It's so odd, the first 6 months here at the theatre aren't exactly quiet- but it's not crazy, it's steady. Now, as we approach the end of June, we're getting ready to strike The Foreigner, get Smoke on the Mountain up (mid- July) start Arms and the Man in July and somewhere in all that we will keep the Acting Studio summer camps dressed, mount 2 new touring shows and start production meetings for Christmas (2 shows) and get the 2007 season decided, planned and budgeted. And that's just before September. In September we will be finishing up Arms and the Man, starting production on 2 Christmas shows (It's a Wonderful Life Radio Play here at Taproot and The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge at TAG) and getting ready to send out 3 touring shows, all of which will be completed by Thanksgiving. Seriously- it makes my head spin just thinking about it. We survived last year- so I am sure we'll sail through this year no worries. I am a little worried that we have no summer intern in the costume shop- whose primary responsibility is the summer camps- we had a fabulous intern last year. She raised the bar and went way above and beyond the call of duty- those kids and directors had a great experience costume-wise. This year? We'll see what happens. I don't know that there's enough of me to go around. So...I pray to not become overwhelmed and to be able to keep everything moving forward with as much joy as possible.
In other news, my friend, Debra Parker, is coming to visit next week. We shall enjoy traipsing about Seattle having a great time. I also have some extended family coming to visit who we'll be dining with next Wednesday. It's a pity that there's nothing to do....
I'd love just a few minutes of boredom.

I was laying in bed the other night- praying, unable to sleep and had this revelation- which led to some repentance- the boohooing variety- about how arrogant I have been in the past in regard to prayer. I had wrong thinking that knowing Jesus gave me the right to go to God and demand what I want. I think I misconstrued that "boldly before the throne of grace" thing and I left out the grace part. We can come boldly- but with humility- if that makes sense. I guess I just keep thinking about what Randy Rowland said about churches that teach holding God to His promises- Randy said he didn't recommend that kind of thinking. God is sovereign. That stuck with me. I have had some teaching to that effect. And I realized that it's so presumptuous. And I realized that I have been presumptuous. God is sovereign. I keep coming back to the image of the parent with the whiny teenager going, "But you promised!" What good parent would give in to that?
I don't know- I am still trying to figure it all out. The more I seek, the more I see it's all about grace. Everything is grace. We went to see Les Mis last night at the 5th Ave Theatre. It was wonderful. As a play and as a story. I didn't realize how much God was in it. Les Mis was so much about grace- it blew my mind. It was so beautiful. The grace given to Valjean and that he proceeded to extend to others was gorgeous. And was he perfect? Hardly. A flawed human being walking in grace. It was...words fail me. But we are flawed humans walking in grace. How often do we extend it?
And I think- Jesus was grace- not making demands of His Father, but cooperating with His Father's will. "Not my will but Yours, Father." That is what Jesus wanted. And He had all the authority and power in the world. I think there have been times in my life- that I have been so proud and arrogant about being a christian- and I see the damage that arrogance does- to people, to the reputation of Christ- and I think- how awful to have been a part of that. And I was a part of that. I don't want to be a wimpy christian- but I don't want to be religious and militant either (and I have been both) I guess I am learning what the balance is. Sometimes, it feels like I am going crazy. I think the whole "good christian" thing is ingrained in me as a performance thing- and I don't pray enough, read enough, give enough, care enough, love enough.... and I don't know what to do about it- in my own strength- I just can't. So I am choosing to trust God. He knows who He created me to be. He will be faithful to walk me through this crisis of faith. I will do my best to be faithful to Him. And because of His almighty GRACE- I trust that it will all be alright in the end.

Grace in a busy world.

Grace. What is it? Heck if I know. But I am determined to find out. Philip Yancey's book, What's so Amazing about Grace? has some excellent examples of grace and some interesting commentary about how grace and christianity relate to each other. In theory- they relate...in reality...not so much. I am on a quest to get a handle and a revelation of grace. That is my goal- why? So that I can "share the love" if you will. How can I, as a christian, extend grace if I don't "get it?"
Salvation is grace. It's probably the best example there is. Jesus took all my crap on himself and paid the price for it. Wow. He wrote His name over mine for all the bad stuff I've ever done. That is AMAZING! He loved me at my most unlovable. Wow. And believe me, there were some VERY unlovable moments along the way. I guess in my quest for "truth," I discovered that truth, Jesus style, goes hand in hand with grace.
I am tired of "performance christianity" where every denomination has it's own set of spoken or unspoken rules of how to be a "good christian." Really- what the heck? The set of rules I come from includes: be at church every time the doors open; give more than your tithe and if you don't double your giving (at least) every year-you lack faith; get your nails done; wear trendy clothing; drink coffee; be "relevant" (I think I am too much of a geek to be "relevant"- I just want to be truthful and true to who God has created me to be) set aside a specific amount of time to spend with God every day to pray and read the word (seriously, what a way to set yourself up to fail) never question authority (even if there's something morally questionable happening)- if you question authority, it's rebellious and dishonors those God has placed above you...and the list goes on. Anyone who doesn't think this way- well, they may be christians, but obviously, they are on the JV team.
Sad to say- I really used to think that way. Seriously- my mind got so small. And God's grace is so very big. I think that's how grace disappears- you get busy trying to be good- even doing good things. Then- there is no room for grace in your life. I don't want to live that way. I have friends who are overwhelmed with their lives and if God wanted to talk to them, well, short of a burning bush, He couldn't get a word in edgewise. What I've realized is this. He is SOVEREIGN. He is ALMIGHTY. He is EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME and if we'd just be still- we'd recognize the grace that is all around us and in us. This is the longing of my heart. Jesus personified grace- and I am not giving up until I really have a revelation of what grace is. I'm done being busy.

In whose image?

I've been reading Gregory Maguire's Son of a Witch. Today I read a section of it that struck me as a profound comment on popular Christianity and trends that we see happening in churches...
"In our house, we profess to believe that the Unnamed God has made us in it's likeness and its image, and this should have enlarged us to be like the Unnamed God. I fear in the Emerald City, they have remade the Unnamed God in their image, and that has belittled and betrayed the deity. Can the Unnamed God be belittled, you ask. No, of course not. But the deity can go unrecognized, and return to mystery... The Unnamed God retreats into mystery, and is not especially localized in my heart, my dears. Nor in the Emporer's. The mystery is as equally in your heart as in mine, and in...the spirit of the trees and the...the music of water. That sort of thing. In the memory of our elders. In the hope for the newborn."
I don't think Emerald City is the only place with this problem. We have a tendency to try to make God more like us- to like the things we like, to approve of the thinking and behavior we approve of, to be religious like we are religious...and we've got it all wrong. There is a reason that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. I am thankful for that. And I am pursuing my quest to find out His ways and thoughts and walk it out the best way I know how.

Salvation vs. Embarrassment

This is a topic that I have been pondering this week. We went to church at Northwest Passage on Sunday night- I enjoyed myself immensely. The message was based on Romans 1- where Paul talks about how he is not ashamed of the gospel. The preacher went on to talk about that Paul didn't think of the gospel as "the good news" but as the person of Jesus Christ. The gospel wasn't an "it," it was a "He." I just thought that was interesting. I don't know that I have ever really thought about it from that perspective. It got me thinking, am I ashamed of the gospel? Are we as Christians ashamed of the gospel? Have we become too relevant for the gospel? I struggle with the self- centeredness of many churches and the quest for "their best life now." I have been reading and noticing that I am not the only one picking up on this. It's become more about us than it is about Jesus and what he instructed us to do. As we visit churches, the one thing I ask myself is this- does everything that is going on point back to Jesus? If it doesn't- if it points back to "self"...Houston, there is a problem. I think the reason churches hurt their "children" is they lose track of Jesus and who He is. When churches get more caught up in who they are instead of who He is- then the balance gets thrown off and people get hurt. I think it's the same on an individual level as well. Isn't it interesting that we don't need to be taught to be selfish? Why are we more interested in a gimmick or a theme or a program than we are in the true gospel- the person of Jesus Christ? If we truly know Him, and His love and His power- wow. The power of the person of Jesus Christ and our salvation- it is stronger than anything- but how often do we forget that? How often do we get caught up in programs and culture and being seeker sensitive? There are several questions like this that swirl in my mind. And I am tired of them swirling. It makes me tired. Tired of catchy slogans and programs and culture. all this noise is crowding out my knowledge of the gospel. I just want to know Jesus.
The preacher also talked about how Romans 1:17 talks about how the righteous live by faith. Righteous meaning right with God, live life abundantly and faith. And he said something in passing that really hit me- faith is trusting God...with EVERYTHING. Trusting Him with my life, the lives of those I love...trusting Him with the state of our unjust world. Trusting Him with His imperfect Bride that He loves so much- even though we don't understand why. It's a pretty big concept to wrap your brain around. I'm still wrapping....Well, my beloved husband is here...'tis time for groceries.