The Windmills of my mind....

Semi-annual update?

2010-11-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

Wow. Totally sucking at the blogging thing lately. Really? Last post in July? You would think I don't think any more...well...there are days.....

I guess it's just quicker to send a shout-out on Facebook these days. Kind of a bummer actually. Although, I really love that this week I got in touch with people I went to elementary school with! WOW. So cool. Although, I wonder- when the heck did we all get so OLD? I think the best was a friend telling me that he remembered me smiling a lot, or as he said, "pretty much all the time." Since I remember myself being a bit of a crybaby- that was pretty nice! There are cool things about Facebook, although...SO not a fan of farms and mafias and whatever. Thank goodness you can block those applications.

So what is new? Not a lot. Work is work. We're in the crazy Christmas push when we put up 4 shows in 2 weeks- always a delight. We're in pretty good shape this year, thanks to the fact that we built part of the show last year before the fire. It was a little bumpy at first, since we lost the notes we made on all the garments, but we figured it out. We start dress rehearsals tomorrow-then it's 2 weeks of craziness and then life goes back to "normal."

Oh. And I got nominated for a Gregory Award for Outstanding Costume Design. I didn't win- but I was nominated by my peers- so that is indeed an honor. The ceremony was...interesting. I'm not a big "schmoozer" and now that I don't live somewhere that I am labeled an extrovert- my introvert has a tendency to show herself more- usually at these type of events. It made me start thinking that perhaps, if I can get it to work with my schedule, I think I would like to work at other theaters...we'll see how it goes. But it was an excuse to buy a posh frock and fancy schmancy shoes.... Grey lace and sequins on the dress- sparkly silver heels with bows! AWESOME.

On the spiritual front....hmmm....finding a lot more "rest" these days. I'm liking it. I think the most valuable lesson I learned this year was- while I may be valuable, I am not indispensable. Life goes on without me. SO freeing. I haven't mastered it yet- but things are better. As far as church goes- am exploring some options, opportunities...etc. etc. Just taking the next step- we'll see where it goes. Am still enjoying my ladies Bible study- very much. Can't help thinking that it's what God intended church to be all along- food, prayer, study, talking, talking, talking, talking. These ladies are so precious to me- my friends. I am interested to see where it all goes. Been having some of my freaky-deaky spiritual dreams- actually got an interpretation for one today. It's always amazing to me how God doesn't always give the big picture- but gives pieces to different people. I get the dreams and the end story, and my friends get the in-between, you would think God intended us to work together or something... But still- when I meet Jesus- I'm still gonna be all "DUDE. What is UP with the dream thing?" Okay. Maybe I won't say "DUDE"- but still...

So life is still life..the good, the bad, the ugly. Catch y'all in a few months.
Selah.

Selah...

2010-07-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't blogged since I was 39! HA! So, now....I am 40- have been for awhile. Don't really have much of an issue with it except that I feel like I should have more wisdom. Eh. Perhaps ignorance is bliss.
Does anyone read blogs anymore? Or do they take too much time in the day and age of tweets and status updates?

Huh. You know, I really did have to walk to school uphill in the snow both ways when I was a youngster....although...I did have shoes. I remember the days when you went to the library to do research in BOOKS and you had to type it up on one of those new-fangled word processors- of course, that was in the day when you wanted to talk to someone, you called their house and if they weren't home...you called back later. Or if it was busy, you called back later. And cellphones were as big as a stereo. It's amazing how technology has advanced in 20 years- crazy. I think I have mixed feelings about that.

So what's up. Well....I have deep vein thrombosis in my leg- so I'm 2 months into anticoagulent therapy. That's delightful. I have to have frequent blood tests and be "consistent." Consistent in my lifestyle- which has been challenging since the only thing I am consistent at is being inconsistent. I did learn that anticoagulents and tech week don't get along well- my blood work went way wonky, but the good news is that it has stabilized and is in the target range now. I can't eat lots of green veggies or drink wine...or cut myself. Life sure is interesting. I'll have another ultrasound in the fall to see if it's gone and then....we'll see.

Work has returned to "normal" stress. Marty and I took a break back in March and went to Whidbey Island for some R&R- when I got back, I just felt like God was telling me that my perspective on my job didn't match His perspective on my job- and well, I needed to fix that. Thoughts that ran through my head at the time....becoming indispensible is rooted in pride... that His work should be able to continue whether I was involved or not and it was up to me to make sure that happened...that I am not my job, my job is not my identity.... there has been quite a bit of freedom in that arena. Theatre is all-consuming- that is the nature of it, but my outlook has and is changing...I look forward to seeing what happens. Right now, we are starting the fall touring company- this year pirates and superheroes- lots of fun.

I really enjoyed designing Man of La Mancha. I love the story. I love the period. As I was thinking about the performance I saw the other night this morning, I just had this profound revelation of how God looks at us. In the story, Don Quixote is convinced that the woman he loves (who is in reality, Aldonza, the whore) is the Lady Dulcinea- beautiful, pure and good. He sees nothing but the good. I think that's how God looks at us. How Jesus looks at us. At one point, Aldonza looks at him and says,"For once, please, look at me and see me how I really am." And he does- and he says,"You are my Lady Dulcinea." I think God knows how we really are- in our broken "reality" state- and He knows how we are in TRUTH- in our beautiful, pure state. Kind of amazing.
That's all nice and deep- but now, let's talk codpieces. I really wanted to keep them, make them subtle, but keep in the period clothing intact. However, once we saw the mock-up- totally obscene. Hilarious, but obscene- they had to be cut. However, the one we made is hanging on the bulletin board- so funny.

We took a trip to the Oregon Coast- of course, every time I go on vacation- I want to move where I've gone. But I really love the Oregon Coast- it stays cool. The Pacific Ocean is amazing and majestic and....loud. I love Haystack Rock- it was just so much fun to be on the beach and surrounded by the mountains. I love living in the Pacific Northwest.

The jury is still out on the whole subject of "church." I have really been enjoying the deep Bible study I've been doing with my "Bible Study Ladies" on the book of Daniel. I really want to read a Bible that is the scripture in chronological order. I think it's so fascinating. I really think it's amazing that pretty much all of the prophecy in the book of Daniel has already happened- down to dates! Crazy how specific it gets- just makes me want to go deeper and study some more. To me, that's church. I still really think "church" is supposed to be closer to what we consider small groups. Get together, eat, pray, study the word of God...share, love, fellowship...be. Sigh. Less service, more relational. What to do...what to do.....

So that's all the news for now. Upcoming events include a possible trip to Iowa (Kansas and Colorado on the road trip home) and a trip to Arizona. I am looking forward to that. I've never seen the Grand Canyon- so I am pretty pumped to hang out with my beloved, stinkin' talented artist hubby and my folks there.

Good night y'all. See you in a couple of months.....
Selah.

Almost 40

2010-03-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

In mere hours, I will be 40 years old. All I can think is, how the heck did THAT happen? Shouldn't I be smarter? Oh well. I am not traumatized by it at all. It's just a bit....weird. Perhaps... a bit anticlimactic.

And where am I in my life? I don't know. I guess I am okay. There is no particular area that I am particularly unhappy with. I am pretty blessed although life is far from perfect. I guess with old age, you make your peace with imperfection. I just pray that life will get fuller and richer...and perhaps....slower. I don't want to miss out on anything- but I do not want a life so busy that I can't enjoy any of it. I just want to love my husband, make some art, do some gardening and some praying, hang with my friends and family and enjoy the life I have. Too bad all the daily, little stuff gets in the way.

40. Huh.

Bloggety blog blog

2010-02-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to me that here in the day and age of Facebook and Twitter, how even blogging seems to be going by the wayside. Huh.

So...anyhoo. We're back in the theatre again. Sort of. This week we'll hopefully be finishing the move back in. Things have been very amazing and very hard. I am plumb wore out. But life goes on. The costume shop is set up and the offices are in process and I am waiting on the trap room to be cleared to be able to move the costume stock back in. I got caught up on some of my "normal" job stuff today and am hopeful that we'll be back to the regular insanity soon. I am taking the next show "off" so I'll have plenty of time to design poufy, pretty dresses for Charley's Aunt. Men in victorian drag...instant comedyl

Winter in Seattle hasn't been. Nope. We haven't seen a snowflake here in the city and it's been warmer than usual. I'm still a little amazed that there are people who really think that the irresponsible way we as a society live has no impact on our environment. Blows my mind. But I am happy to see my little purple crocus showing off and am looking forward to daffodils and blooming trees here in the next couple of weeks.

I'm really impressed with my husband lately. He had a fabulous show down in Pioneer Square- hundreds of people wandered through (and we hear it was "slow") and he was the talk of the town. I really love his art. It's so...smart. And funny- and well crafted. I confess there are times that I just want to keep a lot of it...but that's not reasonable. All the work at this particular show was new- 46 pieces. Impressive. He sold some (I think he undersells himself- but he's a big boy- he can make that call) and has had some more business as a result of the show. Now he's working hard on getting his Etsy shop up and going...and then we found out that his art is not only in the book "Masters Collage" coming out in June, it's on the cover as well! Yep. He rocks...that's all there is to it.

Got a lot on my mind spiritually as well. I am looking forward to things calming down in the building, my prayer "closet" (the costume shop) has been unavailable and I miss it. I'm still not sure how I feel about church- and am sad about that...but I can't be dishonest about how I feel. I am a part of a ladies Bible study now, but sometimes, even that feels "churchy"- what to do, what to do. How can one be true to Christ and to God and not be churchy? I don't know- I expect I'll spend the rest of my life trying to sort that one out.

So that's about it. Wish I had something more profound to say. But nope, got nothin'.

Bidding 2009 Farewell...

2009-12-28T17:13:00.000-08:00

And I can't say that I am sorry to do so. It's been a hard year. Not a bad year, just a hard one.

We lost our Mickey back in the spring and I still miss he and Max something fierce. Christmas was hard without a kitty. I had a hard time when I found their little stockings in the Christmas decorations.

Friends lost parents- a horrible thing...mortality. And now I feel bad when mine drive me crazy- because I love them and am thankful they are still around, but sometimes- mom makes me a little nuts.

There's been lots of transition at church and I'm still not a fan of church- and that makes me feel... I don't know.

Then there was the fire. The fire. The stupid fire that seems to still be all consuming 2 months later. There was an arson in the building next to the theatre. The theatre was actually on fire- very briefly- but thankfully- it was caught before it did too much damage. I think we didn't realize initially how much damage there was. But there was a ton of smoke and water damage. And we had to replace..um..a wall. The day of the fire we packed up the entire production of Enchanted April, washed what we could, aired out the rest the best we could, moved it to The Seattle Children's Theatre, teched it and put on 2 shows- all within 36 hours of the fire happening. Now that I look back...that was CRAZY. But we did it- and it was amazing. The SCT folks were beyond fantastic.
Then there was the inventory- when 3 of us had to pretty much go through every item of anything in the theatre. That was a hellish few days. We threw away unbelievable amounts of stuff. And then they took everything to the drycleaners. EVERYTHING- well, that we didn't throw away. The inventory guy estimates the bill will be around $35,000. Thank you, Jesus, for great insurance.
Then we had to figure out- where were we going to work? Where would the costume shop go while the theatre was being remodeled? So stressful. I think we've all been so stressed for so long, we don't even recognize it anymore. Although, I have bad headaches now that I am sure are tied to tension in my neck.
Then we changed the Christmas show- and the venue....wow. And basically re-marketed and pulled together a production in about 2 weeks. It's a wonder we've all survived. Meanwhile, through all the moving and shopping and designing and planning and sewing, there were weekly deliveries of costume stock coming back to be sorted, purged and organized. All bottoms were separated from tops. Thank heaven the socks and gloves were still paired up!
40 boxes, several garbage bags of stuff were given to other theatres and the homeless. More will probably go when we move back into the theatre.
Dealing with the fire is like having a full time job, which is great- except that we all already have full time jobs. I suspect when we finally get everything settled, it'll be time to move back to the theatre- so this is a several month process....replacing anything plastic, cardboard...craziness. I still don't know where a bunch of stuff is.
Through it all- well, it's been amazing. People have been so supportive. God has been faithful. It's just hard to lift your head from the daily insanity to take a moment to notice it all.
And that's been our lives since that fateful day on October 23rd. They caught the arsonist and we suspect he'll go to jail for a very long time as he is a repeat offender. And eventually, life will calm down.

Good things happened this year too. I got to spend my mom's 70th birthday with her, we got to see lots of friends this year, and visit Marty's family too. People are so important. I really had a nice Christmas season- we got to spend time with many friends and it was just....fun. But I have to say...I'm not too sad to say goodbye to 2009.

2010 looks...I have no idea. HA. I'm sure work will still be quite stressful for the first half of the year, and the second half. But I think the second half will be normal stress, which probably won't feel like stress.... I don't really make resolutions or goals at the new year- I make them as they turn up...so we'll see what happens as life goes on. I turn 40 this year. How the heck did that happen? My beloved and I will celebrate our 4th anniversary and I am still pretty crazy about him. Past that- who knows what the future will hold? But I'm ready to head that way.

Happy New Year y'all.

And so....

2009-10-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's October. Mid-October. This is the first chance I've had to blog, if that tells you anything. Enchanted April is up, running and approaching closing week. To say it was a rough build is a mild understatement, so we'll leave it at that. I am currently up to my eyeballs with the Christmas show already- a lovely little period job- something like 35-40 victorian costumes and uniforms! Bleah. I hate uniform shows- we have to find what works best and actually FITS today's people (who are generally larger than those in WWI) and there's always some expert in the audience to pick it apart. Sigh. Oh well. It's the glamourous life of the costumer. Never ending thrills and chills.
My life has pretty much been consumed by work. That's not an understatement, and I'm not a fan of that situation. It's just sort of the way it is right now. We did go on vacation to visit Marty's family in Florida- which was WAY fun...but not particularly restful. So I am pretty darn tired- an allover weariness, if you will. It' s just a hard time right now. The theatre is feeling the crunch of the recession- so that's some added stress on everyone. It's hard to do more with less- but we all manage to manage. Two of my friends have had parents die in the past few weeks. So my heart hurts for them- and it just makes me think about our own parents and their mortality and issues that they deal with. I have young friends still dealing with cancer... And the rain has started. October in Seattle. Life just feels....heavy.
Our church issues- still very much up in the air. I think Marty put it best when he said,"I don't need services, I need relationships." I still think that I am going through a redefining of what church is- but I'm struggling. Part of it is circumstances, part of it is being tired. I probably sound more "down" than I feel. But I often wonder, what the heck are we even doing out here in Seattle? Why? We're not near family. It's a battle to get friendships started and keep them going. Do I really love my job this much? What is the point of being at church? People are always glad to see us, but whatever we contribute seems to just turn to dust in the wind.... I just don't know. It's all a bit of a muddle. But we just keep trekking on because really, what else can you do? I'm sure God will reveal all in His timing, I just sure wish He'd throw me a bone or something.

Is anybody listening?

2009-08-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing that's been on my mind, in my heart...percolating in my spirit. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. This I know, that when I just get in the presence of God- just to hang out- that's when things start to move with power. And that is what I want to see....moving in power. I know in my own life, I don't make enough time for that sort of prayer. The kind where you just have to press in and wait. Sometimes, waiting takes a long time. Sometimes, nothing comes except for just hanging out with God. And that's okay. But I am digressing from the point I want to make. And it's this. We spend a lot of time in prayer just talking. Talk, talk, talk. Request, request, request. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Jabber, jabber, jabber. What if we stopped? What if we stopped talking? What if, knowing that He is God, we were still and just listened? I know that's a personal...goal...whatever....for me. I know that I had a really good "soak" yesterday and that I need to make it more of a priority. And during that soak, I was praying for the "church"- my church, the whole church...praying about corporate prayer.

What would happen to a group of leaders who sought the presence of God without an agenda? What if prayer wasn't a grocery list of prayer requests?
Perhaps, instead of asking God to bless what we do, we could listen and find out what He is doing and help Him with it, perhaps that would produce a whole lot of fruit. Perhaps we would find wholeness, healing and freedom. Perhaps...if we would be still, make time and listen.

I've been reading Revelation- and I know, it's a goofy book. But it's really one of my favorites. I find it hopeful and alarming- particularly the bits about being lukewarm or thinking you are alive when you are actually dead....yikes. When Jesus is talking to the churches, warning them, He says the following every time:

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

He says it seven times, to seven churches. And I wonder, with all of our talking...is anyone actually listening?

August

2009-08-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

As usual, August is a bit of a crazy-land.

I went to Iowa at the beginning of the month to surprise my mom for her 70th birthday. She was very surprised and we had a nice visit. When I got back, work was crazy, of course.

We have the usual convergence of insanity that we do every August here at Camp Taproot. The mainstage show usually extends, which means extra weeks of laundry and maintenance. The studio is going full swing so there are dozens of children running amuck around the theatre. We're working on three Road Company touring shows (plus remounting one of the old ones to go to the New York Fringe Festival- they are there now) and building 20+ dresses for Enchanted April. As if that weren't insanity enough... My cutter/draper- the woman who has run the builds for shows for the past year, pulled the day before the build started. She got a better paying job at one of the bigger theatres. We're a small non-profit, I can't compete. So I put my best stitcher in that cutter positon (so I lost my best stitcher as well) and hoped for the best. We have a couple of our usual gals that are stable and I hired a couple of new gals, one is great- the other I had to let go. She didn't take it particularly well, but I just do not have the luxury of time to teach people how to sew on this show. Yesterday, I hired a new gal that I think will be AWESOME...so eventually, I am sure I'll lose her as well, but for the time being, I am thankful. Work feels like swimming through mashed potatoes lately. Everything meets with resistance. I go to order some items online, the store that was there last week has dropped off the planet. I go to exchange some leggings at the mall- the store that I bought them at two weeks ago...dropped off the planet. Ah. The economy. Just all sorts of little things going wrong- I'm not even surprised anymore. Although, I confess that I was surprised when one of the actors in the current show bleached his hair without permission while I was in Iowa. Dark hair...turns orange. He did it because the white he was putting in his hair "didn't show up enough." It did. Now he looks a bit like an orange skunk. Sigh. But life goes on. It's been an unusually hot summer too. That hasn't helped. The airconditioning units at the theatre have been working overtime and freezing over periodically (which requires one of my coworkers to get on the roof and thaw them out with a hairdryer- how's that for fun?) and the server room, which is attached to the costume shop has been way overheating. So we have to leave the door open so the servers don't fry and then it's at least 80 in the shop. But it's been better this week- the IT guy took one of the servers out of the room that we suspect was the main culprit. It's been a crazy summer. It's August. It seems that no matter how organized I am, no matter how much I frontload things into July, no matter what I do...August is always just CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY. Thankfully, there's only 10 days left. Sweet fancy bananas and Hallelujah for that.

And our neighborhood has also been a little crazy. Last week (was it only last week?) there was a huge watermain break that flooded the block in front of the theatre about 45 minutes before a performance. Thankfully, it did not flood the theatre at all. (Amazing) A few days later, a house a block and a half away burned down. Apparently, there's an arsonist in the neighborhood. Ah, yes.

On the spiritual front. Hmmmm. Boy. Wow. I got A LOT going through my mind right now. I am still struggling, trying to clear the "planks" out of my eyes so that I can see clearly. I miss church. But I don't want to go. I think I miss the idea of church more. As far as the reality, I am disappointed and deeply troubled about what I see- what I see in "reality," what I see in my dreams, what I see in my spirit. Still mulling it all over. Still praying. I found a great passage of scripture in Daniel where he calls upon the Lord- Not because of our merit, but because of who You are Lord- have mercy- or something along those lines- something about a desolate sanctuary- it's a beautiful prayer. It reminds me that we cannot appeal to God on our own merit- we've done nothing that worthy- it's just ALL Him- grace, mercy and forgiveness. And I know from my own experience that sometimes He gives us exactly what we think we desire- so we'll learn. The hard way. Huh. But I know that I am still not interested in "playing church" or "doing church"- anytime that church usurps relationship with Christ- I get very nervous. And I am very nervous right now. But I also know that God works all things together for good. Proverbs talks about if you have no poop in your stable, you have no productivity- so there you go. I believe God is bigger and He will win. And for now, that's all I've got to say about that.

Back to the insanity. 10 days to go.

Going on a journey....

2009-07-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

I had a bit of a breakthrough today. It wasn't anything earth shattering, I didn't fall on the floor weeping- but there was a definite shift in my heart and in my spirit. And peace. And anticipation. I am going on a journey. It totally snuck up on me. I wasn't expecting it. I have NO idea what the future holds. I have no idea how this journey will unfold. It will be dangerous. There will be risks and costs. The shift came after I read the following passage in Michael Yaconelli's book, Dangerous Wonder- a read I highly recommend.

"Ironically, our "Christian" nation has become oblivious to a terror that can liberate us. We have become comfortable with the radical truth of the gospel; we have become familiar with Jesus; we have become satisfied with the church. The quick and sharp Bible has become slow and dull; the world-changing church has become changed by the world; and the life-threatening Jesus has become an interesting enhancement to modern life."

Wow. This is very true in my life. And I hate it. So....enough. I'm done. I surrender. SURRENDER. Everything. I don't know how to explain what has shifted in my heart. I think the above passage starts to hit the tip of the iceberg of everything that has been happening in my heart and mind- all the frustration, all the angst. I really want to know the crazy, wonderful, terrifying and all powerful love of Jesus and of God and I want the Holy Spirit to feel free to run amuck in my life. I want God to TAKE OVER. Sound easy? Highly spiritual? A bit trite? Ah, here's the hard part...

I don't think it can happen at church.

I think I need to unlearn everything I think I know about God...well, maybe not everything- but close. Marty and I talked about taking a break from church last night. I had very mixed feelings about it- because it is ingrained in my consciousness that if you believe in Jesus YOUMUSTGOTOCHURCH. ITISWHATCHRISTIANSDO. DONOTFORSAKEGATHERINGTOGETHER. Everyone at church has told me that all my life.... I do believe we are supposed to gather with other believers...but.....
With this "shift" in my heart came a very freeing peace about the decision to take a break. I don't know how people in our church will feel about it. I don't know how our friends will handle it. Will we lose them? Sadly, it's possible. We have a hard enough time getting together with people we do go to church with- what will happen when we are "out of sight, out of mind?"
I'll probably have to have a chat with my employer to make sure they understand that this is not us becoming...whatever...backslidden? I don't know. I fully expect to go back to church at some point in the not too distant future. But whatever this shift is, I feel like it's from God. There is a yearning to pursue Him in a way that I am completely unfamiliar with. I want Him to blow me away. I want to see my childlike faith restored and even made stronger. If that means church-folk have opinions about that and issues with me...so be it. There is an anticipation and expectancy in my soul and spirit. I have no idea what I'm doing. HA!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING AND IT'S AWESOME!

Hee.
Sweet.
Selah.

What the???

2009-07-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

So, I had an art show several months back. It was fairly successful. I sold a few pieces. The coffee shop kept one piece on "hold." And then, I flat forgot about it. So I remembered when I was looking for the piece for another show. I have had a note for the past month or so at work to remind myself to ask about it. Well, when I asked today- it turns out that the new manager cleaned out the office and gave everything to Goodwill, including my piece of art. What does one do? In answer to "Your contact information wasn't left for me." Well, the contact info was on the back of the piece. I'm pretty hacked off. I know this coffee shop struggles financially- they're really a non-profit agency. But I mean, what the heck? Obviously, the new manager didn't know about that piece of art. She didn't remember seeing it, didn't know what it was, why it was there. So what can I do? I'm angry. But I can't get the piece back. I feel like it would be pointless to be asked to be reimbursed since the new manager doesn't even remember the piece. And I wonder where it is. It's a huge BUMMER. I really liked the piece. Hopefully, it'll end up in a good home. I am going to choose to let it go and hope my emotions can catch up to that decision.

It's just been one of those weeks. The main server at work died- you know, the one that has ALL the info for the theatre on it- including all the archival photos of my lovely work. Suffice it to say, tensions are running high 'round these parts.

I've still been cranky. I think it's because I'm...."growing." As I delve deeper, I find myself restless and frustrated. Longing for something I can't even name.

I've been praying and seeking God...I've got lots of "deep thoughts" swirling in my head.....probably many people who read my blog wouldn't want to know what I'm really thinking. Which is a shame. Because I'd really like to share. Just a hint: I am REALLY, REALLY struggling with church right now....not God, not Christ- just Church- and it's a very deep issue for me. I keep hearing "surrender" and wondering what it means. Do we just give up on church and call it done for the time being? That would be a risk and it would cost a lot. Do we give up something good for an unknown something great? I just don't know. Surrender. Give up. It kind of feels like that, to be honest. But then what? And for a girl who has loved church her whole life, this is really HARD. But I feel like....when I read my Bible and meditate and pray- I'm grounded, centered, at peace, full of God's strength and joy. I'm learning, my mind and my heart are expanding. When I go to church, I feel like life gets just sucked out of me. It's not like that for everyone at the church. But it is for me. And for Marty. So what does that mean?

I just don't know.

I'm not interested in playing church. I am becoming more and more convinced that what God intended church to be doesn't even exist today. Jesus was the rule-breaker. He scolded all the "church" folk with their rules and expectations...He broke them all. And I wonder. I wonder, what has happened to awe? What has happened to the joy of the Lord? I am not talking about shiny-happy B.S......When did meeting Jesus become more about becoming nice than having your life turned upside-down? What has happened to us? Why can't we be real? Why must we be so nice? Does loving someone mean you are always "nice?" What if you need to tell them hard truths for their own good because you love them? Why can't we confess our doubts and struggles? Our sin? Why is everyone so complacent and content to just sit there on Sunday morning and listen? Why don't they pursue God? He pursues us. I am really wanting to crash into Him. Really. I don't want to follow Jesus' rules, I want to follow Jesus. I want to know Him more, as a person, as my Savior. I want the Holy Spirit to talk with me- to know He's welcome to hang with me..... I want to KNOW God. As much as my tiny mind and understanding are able to....

And how can people who have pretty much denied the person of the Holy Spirit for YEARS expect Him to "rain fire" down on them and flow in their midst without acknowledging that they have denied him and apologize to Him? Is that how their relationships with each other work?
"Hi, I've ignored you and denied your existence for years, come and be my best friend."
Really?

Sorry. These are some of the thoughts swirling and whirling in my head. I've made some choices lately in my life. To slow down. To listen. To meditate. To be still. My desire is to be able to hear. If I can hear, it'll probably be easier to obey. But these lifestyle choices just seem to flow in the opposite direction of the culture. Everyone is soooo busy. How can you build a friendship with someone you never spend time with? You can't. We live in a world of acquaintances that people think are friends. It grieves my heart.

See? I told you that you probably didn't want to know what I was thinking. And all that is just the TIP of the iceberg.

So, I'm all stirred up. Does it show? I remember someone praying over me that "What God is doing in you is too big to be contained within four walls." I think I thought that meant I would go out on the mission field (which I did) but I really think NOW, what that prayer meant was about my understanding of who God is and it can't be contained in a church. And for that, I'm thankful. But boy, I still miss loving church.

I'm grouchy

2009-07-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Yep. It's true. So beware. Back off. GRRRRR.... I'm not really sure why I'm such a grump. I don't think it's hormones. It is tech and there have been a few last minute bumps along the way, but nothing we can't really handle in the grand scheme of eternity. But man, I can't handle it! I am GROUCHY. I prayed about it last night. I prayed about it this morning. When something came along to test how I would handle my grouchy attitude...I totally FAILED. The person who I fussed at, fussed back and we made up and we're fine. But I still hate it. I hate that I wasn't "Grace under pressure." I could rant and carry on about the situation, it's a valid recurring issue- but I don't want to. I mean, I do, but I won't.

And to deal with that today? On a day I can't even stand myself. OY. So, I'm not sure what's up. I know I'm tired- it's tech, it's a given. Duh. I just don't know why I can't handle life at the moment. But I hope I can get over myself SOON.

Update....

2009-06-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

It's true. I haven't posted in ages. Ah well.
What is new? Nothing. Everything. Life.

Work is going well. Money is tight in the land of theatre. And we're feeling it a bit, probably not as much as other theatres, but donations and grants are down. This week, we begin dress rehearsals for Smoke On the Mountain: Homecoming- a root-tootin' gospel good time. It's fun, it should do well, and there are only SEVEN costumes. Huzzah. I am also trying to design Enchanted April- which I LOVE- the book, the movie, the play...doesn't matter. I love the story. It's gorgeous. I want the costumes to be gorgeous- and cost less that $4200! Which considering I could spend $10,000 on fabric alone....well...there you go.

We went to DC on vacation at the beginning of June. We visited some of Marty's childhood friends. We had an awesome time and it was great to see him having soooo much fun. We went to "my house," Mount Vernon- and I am happy to say they are taking very good care of it. We also checked out ALL the art museums at the Smithsonian and a couple of the other museums. I can now say that I have seen Kermit the Frog and Oscar the Grouch in person.
A few days after we returned, my friend, Susan, from High School came to visit and we had a GREAT TIME. It's so nice to be friends with someone- and have the relationship be deep enough that you slip back into it like you haven't been apart for so long. It just reminds me that relationships are built by time spent together. And I worry, that in our high-tech, busy society- will we survive?

On the faith front. Well, that's a loaded topic. I have been camped out in Psalm 106 for a few days- reading about those stiff-necked Israelites that remind me so much of us. Reading about Moses and Phinehas who interceded for God's mercy on his people.... things that make you go hmmmmmm..... I look around at our society and I despair sometimes. My heart cries out at all the injustice, the unemployment, the hunger, the homelessness, the violence...the fame.

Yes, the fame. Obviously, this week, with the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, fame and mortality have been on my brain. And the older I get, the more I understand God (a.k.a.- the LESS I understand God...) the more I am convinced that fame and celebrity are not such a good thing. Even if you intend to use your power for "good." Fame seems to destroy people. It separates them from reality, from other people, from realistic relationships. Even the seemingly most stable people struggle with it. It grieves my heart. Life is hard. We're all a mess. Imagine having all your skeletons out there in the open for everyone to see. Imagine people taking your advice as if you were some sort of religion? (Oprah, anyone?) Imagine thousands of tweens screaming and crying and fainting when they see you, because they think you are someone you are not? No privacy...inflated pride (I mean, how can one not start buying into it after awhile?) ...entitlement....being surrounded by "yes" men...not having anyone in your life that will tell you that you are out of line....yikes. No, thank you. And as an artist- when do you cross the point of no return? When do you lose the art, the craft, the passion, the WORK? If you lose the call and become about the celebrity....what then? I know people who were damaged by even a little bit of celebrity. On a local level. They started to be recognized at the grocery store. And then they started to separate themselves from the people around them. The "little" people were unable to gain access anymore. What the heck? How is THAT healthy? God is no respector of persons, He doesn't play favorites. We're all his favorite. Proverbs talks about how favoring people over one another is a bad thing. Huh. I digress, but these things float in my mind. I confess, I like to be recognized for the good work I do- but do I want to become famous? I don't think so. I don't think my character is strong enough to handle all that.

Anyhoo- and in my mind and heart...I can feel God getting bigger. I mean, I feel my UNDERSTANDING of God getting bigger. He's so very big. So very sovereign. He is I AM. I don't know how to describe the revelation that is coming to me. It's deep...and big. I just think about how God never changes, but how our understanding of who He is can grow and change. I mean, we know the earth isn't flat, right? Once upon a time- that was our understanding. And I worry about the "Church" which is content in their understanding of today. They don't want more. They don't want closer. They are content with what they know, and then they want to impose it on everyone else. It's all "don't drink, don't chew, don't go with girls that do..." or whatever flavor of rules that particular brand likes.... It drives me batty. I read a quote, and I can't remember who said it, but I love it- and I think it applies to so much of christianity....

"God allows more variety than I am comfortable with."

Yep.

And on that note, end scene. Selah.

Storm comin'.....

2009-05-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting time for my life. I am still deeply mourning the loss of my kitty, Mickey. It strikes me at odd times and breaks my heart. Yet at the same time, I sense there is change in the air. I can feel it.

What do I feel? I'm not sure. I am restless. I am frustrated. I sense a disturbance in the force- God is on the move. But I don't think we're moving in the same direction as most of the people in our lives are. I don't know what it means. I don't know what the future holds. A long time ago, someone was praying for me- prophesying-and she said, "What God is doing in you is so big that it cannot be contained in four walls." That has been on my mind and in my heart very strongly over the past few weeks. I feel as if my walk with the Lord has opened up. I am growing. I am seeking. I feel grounded. I feel peace. I feel free. I know that seems contradictory with the restlessness and frustration. But the grounded, peaceful freedom- that's ME. The restlessness and frustration is a circumstance and a situation that needs to change. It's been around for months. Marty feels it too. But change is hard, no matter what. And I am afraid. I am afraid of losing friends that are in the process of being made. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of not having a place to lay my head- so to speak. But I know God is with me. I know He is so unbelievably big, so unbelievably sovereign- that I can barely begin to imagine it. I know He is for us. I know that He has a hope and a future for us. I have no doubt about that. But I doubt my courage. I doubt the fragile bonds of friendship we have built that could break with one decision. I don't know if people would understand what they don't see themselves and trust that we are following God.

I had a dream last Sunday night. It's a dream that troubles my days. I don't want to write what the dream was as I know it would needlessly upset some folks who are faithful enough to actually read my blog. I have sought advice and prayer about this dream. The implications are not pleasant. But the dream brought me hope. The dream showed me that what God is doing in me is getting ready to flow in a new way. If you pray, I would appreciate prayer. Prayer that I am hearing clearly. Prayer that the timing is right. Prayer of protection over relationships. Prayer against fear and doubt. Prayer for confirmation. Prayer that I really don't screw this up. It is what I have heard of called a "kairos" time- a key moment in time. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Mickey

2009-04-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

We put our cat, Mickey, to sleep- one week ago tonight. He would have been 17 in June. The grief has been a bit overwhelming, hence I haven't been able to blog sooner. We knew it would come eventually- but it seemed as if when "eventually" arrived, it went so very quickly. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease about two years ago. The vet told us then that the treatment would only work for one and a half to two years and then it would stop working. And it did. And there were other complications of old age...and we just couldn't watch him get really, really sick and suffer. We did get the full two years, and I don't regret one moment of the spoiled life we gave him. He was so very loved and he knew it and I know that he loved us back.

He got to die at home. It will cost us an arm and a leg- but my one regret with Max was that his last "thing" was a traumatic trip to the vet. I didn't want that for Mickey. So, after we made the decision- after a weekend when he started to fail and quit eating and had blood tests that showed some wonky stuff....we asked the vet to come to the house. And she, being the kind-hearted woman that she is, did. We got off work early and spent the afternoon with him. It was the shortest afternoon that lasted forever. His passing was peaceful...for him, but not for us.

Marty said I should start to blog and remember him. No blogging could do him justice. As much as I have loved all my pets with all my heart, Mickey was larger than life. I don't know- there was just something about him. He had enough personality for nine cats. And in this last year of his life- he just got "bigger." He would sleep on my arm at night- he had his little bedtime routine and if it was off- you heard about it. He would wait for me on the bed- sometimes, he would give up and go to sleep with Marty- but as soon as I got to bed- he would come over to my side, lay on my arm and have to be tucked in to bed with me. He would wait for us on the toilet while we took a shower. He would walk around the house with his "baby" in his mouth- hollering if we weren't paying attention to him. He LOVED, LOVED, LOVED going outside on the balcony with me when the weather was nice- we have spent the last two summers out there together, it won't be the same without him. He loved catnip and treats. He liked only "fishy" food which made his breath STINK. He would let me give him meds, but he would fight his daddy. He would sit on his daddy's lap when he was at the computer and "make biscuits" in his lap. Sometimes he would sit next to me, gaze adoringly at me and purr and drool. It was hilarious. In his later years, he became a total mama's boy. It's hard to believe that the first month I had him, sixteen years ago, he hardly came out from under the bed. There are so many memories....

When we lived in Asheville, he used to sit in the corners of the apartment and yell. I honestly think he just liked the acoustics and the sound of his voice. One night, there was a storm- a bad one- and in the middle of the night he came running into the bedroom, "Meow! MEow! meow! MEOW!meOW! MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!!!!"- he was a wreck! He kept running back and forth between the bedroom and living room yelling. Finally, I got up to see what his problem was- I flipped on the light on the back porch and there were NINE cats out there. I told him, "Well! No wonder you're upset!" He would chirp at birds. He loved to go for rides in cars (until he got to the vet, then he wasn't such a fan) He was always so vocal. He would answer you when you talked to him. He would hum. If you asked him a question- he would reply, "Hmm." It was so funny. If you were sitting at the dining room table, he had to sit there too. He always had to be in the middle of everything.

He and Max were amazing when we came to Seattle. They did very well during the move, I think because we were altogether. Our little family. I remember being on the phone with Marty before he moved out here, and Mickey was sitting in a chair across the room washing his bottom. (He really preferred to wash his butt in front of company....) I was watching a nature show about birds on PBS and he got distracted and actually sat there, with his leg straight up in the air, and watched TV for TWENTY MINUTES. I couldn't believe it. He always perked up when birds were on TV.

Mickey loved our apartment we have now. When we were moving, I would bring him over to get used to the place and he would get mad at me when we had to go back. He really loved it here- the windows, all the space. We had to put bricks in front of all the kitchen and bathroom cabinets because Mickey figured out how to get into the cabinets, but he couldn't get out.

When he was diagnosed with IBD, he had to have an ultrasound and other procedures. Being as old as he was, he didn't handle the anesthesia particularly well ( he takes after his mom that way) The night we brought him home, he was so spacey, he would forget where he was. He was sooo tired. He almost fell asleep in his water dish. I had to carry him around to help him. He was my baby.

There are soooo many memories. They all blur and blend, and hit me at odd times. The Mickey-sized hole in my heart is enormous. I miss him so much. I think it's harder because when we lost the other kitties (Trinity and Max) there was always someone to come home to. Now, the apartment is hugely "empty." I was in the other room when they actually gave him the shot, but I felt him go. I know that sounds weird, but I knew the moment he was gone.

We still look for him. I still leave closets open, shut doors that don't need to be shut, move bricks that aren't there. I have to resist the urge to look for him if I haven't seen him in awhile or to call out to him as I leave or come home. It's astonishing how deep that little four-legged furry guy got into our hearts. I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe how much it still hurts. Last night, I just wanted one more chance to hold him. But not in this lifetime. We love you and miss you, buddy. I hope wherever you are- it's full of sunshine and catnip and you are happy with Max and Trinity.

Dear Anonymous, about Good Friday...

2009-04-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

....I am intrigued and perplexed by your comment. Who, pray tell, were you referring to? Please elaborate.
Thanks.

A good Good Friday.....

2009-04-10T21:33:00.001-07:00

Well, I woke up tired and in a mood. I was so cranky, I couldn't even stand to be around myself. And that's the truth. It's holy week and believe you me- I was feeling about as far from holy as you can be. But I sat down for my quiet time this morning anyhoo- and I just told God what was on my mind. I told Him I was tired and crabby from meetings, and rain, and fittings, and rain and work stress, and rain, and art walks, and power fabric shopping, and art for Stations of the Cross and all that jazz. It's been a very busy week. I told Him I knew I should be all spiritual about holy week, but I just was SO NOT THERE. So I asked Him to help me out. I wasn't specific and I didn't know what to expect, but this is what happened....

First, I realized it was my friend Amy's birthday. Of course, I wished her happy birthday on Facebook. Duh. I'm with it. But I really love her and thought- what the heck, I never use all my minutes anyway- I think I'll just call her. She's helped me through so much spiritual stuff and loved me- how could I not? So, I got her voicemail and left my message and thought- that was that. But, no. She called me back and we entered into a huge spiritual discussion like we like to have (I miss it so much, and Marty always makes fun of me because when Amy and I talk- it's every couple of months for HOURS- for the record, today's call- 1:31) and I was so blessed to be able to encourage her and help her. It was at times a very interesting conversation...here's a topic- "Church and Beer"- discuss.
Basically, her church is putting on a production of Godspell as an outreach. It sounds like it won't be embarrassing church drama (thank goodness, y'all know how I feel about that). This church has a lot of artistic types and they meet in a bar (I think it's brilliant) and through a miscommunication with the bar it's been discovered that the bar intends to serve beer at the shows. She was having quite mixed feelings about it. So- we chatted and I told her this is what I think- let them serve beer and let the people Jesus really would have hung out with see the show and be blessed and loved on and have a good time OR....don't serve beer, have a nice holy huddle of mostly church folk and their friends having a good time by themselves. Us four and no more...again. Thoughts?

So after my thoroughly enjoyable chat with Amy, which I think encouraged both of us, it was back to work. Then Marty and I had to figure out when we were going to see the art at the Stations of the Cross at church. We decided not to go to the Taize service tonight, mostly because I have been out almost every single night this week and we're going out tomorrow night and I'll be at church for about 4-5 hours on Sunday and enough is enough, you know? So we decided to go early and then I could go back to work. Well, I don't know what prompted me, well, yes, I do- that Holy Spirit- he's a wacky one. But I asked my muslim intern to go with us. She is adorable and smart and fun and I love her to pieces. She's visiting from Turkey and since she's been here- she's seeing and experiencing as much as she can. She was dating a guy a while back and she went to the catholic church for a service with him. And when she told me about it- I told her, well- not all churches are like that- and we had a nice little discussion about it. So today, I thought- why not? I knew she wanted to see my art and Marty's art and so I said- do you want to go? And of course, being the lovely and open person she is, she was very excited to go. So off we went. And I had the privilege of telling the story of Christ to my intern. I wasn't out to convert her or anything- it just became apparent that she had never heard the story of Jesus (which must have made that catholic service REALLY confusing) and it helped her to understand the art so much better. I'm sure I bungled stuff along the way- but I just told her the story as we went and she was very interested and open to it all. She didn't fall on her knees weeping to be baptized or anything, but I had the privilege of telling her the story of my faith. It was really COOL. And she really liked it.

So that's my day. It turned out to be fairly redemptive after all. It had nothing to do with me except for me asking and being in tune to opportunities. Suffice it to say, I am in a MUCH better mood now- although I'm still pretty dang skippy tired. I think I'll go "polish my halo" before bed- ha, ha, ha.

Happy Easter y'all!
(Or as they say at the Seattle Public Library- Happy "Historical Low Usage" day!)

Will I remember?

2009-02-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

"If it's bad art, it's bad religion, no matter how pious the subject."

Thank you, Madeline L'Engle!!! YOU ROCK! How do I miss you? Let me count the ways..... I know she's having a big time in heaven- and that makes me happy.

I picked up Walking on Water, Reflections on Faith and Art again this morning... while I may be discouraged with "church," I am not discouraged with God and have decided I need to pursue that which I know to be true. Sounds deep doesn't it? Actually, I have no idea what I am talking about- but, perhaps, in time. I do know that I am inspired again to make art- stay tuned...I am pretty excited.

Another thing from Ms. L'Engle to ponder:

One of the great sorrows which came to human beings when Adam and Eve left the garden was the loss of memory, memory of all that God's children are meant to be.

Will I remember?

Oh, the irony.....

2009-02-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

So I went to the Greenbean Coffee Shop today to get a salad for lunch. As I walked by a car, I noticed a bumper sticker that read "Dogs are family. Would you leave your grandma chained up at home?"

Okay. I am okay with that statement, except...

THEIR DOG WAS LOCKED IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!! And it was one of those dogs that hurls itself and barks like mad at any passer-by.
I was very tempted to stick a note on their car saying, "Would you leave your grandma locked in the car while you enjoy a cup of coffee inside?"
People are goofy.

In other news- I am enjoying the "lull" at work, catching up on some projects at home and...relaxing. It won't last long, believe me. I am looking forward to the visit of dear friends- although, I received a notice for jury duty today that would interfere...jury duty on my BIRTHDAY....of course, I will try and get out of it. Thankfully, it's the week we start dress rehearsals, hopefully I can get out because of work. So that's all the news....

Don't lock your grandma in the car or leave her chained up at home....

In the beginning...

2009-02-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

God CREATED!!! YES! THAT'S WHAT HE DID! HE CREATED!

Why? Why? Why is creativity so distrusted in the church? Why do we settle for so little? What about quality? What about excellence? Aren't we supposed to do EVERYTHING as unto the glory of God? HELLLOOOO? What does it take to break this mediocrity mentality? Why can't we glorify God through art, drama, dance and music? Why doesn't excellence matter? Why doesn't substance matter? Why doesn't quality matter? What happened to beauty? Does anybody care?
Why?

Arg.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

Okay...so I am a little late in posting...but cut me some slack- it's been a busy month or so....

I'm recovering nicely from my gall bladder surgery. But I had a bit of an infection around one of the wounds and am on round two of antibiotics which should end Friday- so I STILL can't eat just anything I want....grrr..... so I plan to have lots of chocolate and dairy on Friday just because I CAN. I am happy to report I enjoyed our friends' New Year's Day prime rib feast with NO REPERCUSSIONS!!!!!!!!! Hallelujah! Pretty cool stuff. I have funny scars on my belly- but life goes on.

Work is...well, you guessed it...busy. So much for taking it easy. It's a little crazy for me since I have to keep reminding myself that I can't lift anything over 10-15 lbs. until the end of the month. I didn't realize how much heavy lifting I do in my job until now. I have to ask for help all the time- it's annoying. People are awesome in helping...but what a pain! Currently, we're working on Gee's Bend and it's going as well as can be expected...it dresses next Friday. Then we're on to Tuesdays with Morrie- which, to be honest, is actually finished pending fittings. I guess I'll spend the next couple of months doing a much needed purge and organize in stock. Whoo. The thrill. The glamour. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, PEOPLE! Wow.

I'm trying to get some new art done for a show that I'm doing with Marty in February- and then I have a piece I need to get done that has been ordered. So that's all the news on the art front.

On the spiritual front- I'm feeling a bit more like my fiesty self as of late. I don't know what that means- except that I'll probably make people feel a smidge uncomfortable. I'm trying to get back in the habit of reading my Bible again- I was a bit "lapsed"- to say the least- last year. I find myself tired of "polite prayer." Not sure what to do about that- or where it will lead- or what the heck. I don't know where I seem to be going- but I'm glad I'm moving again. As I look back on my history in church....ponder the days of being congregational, presbyterian, non-denominational- here in the states and overseas....I have always seemed to challenge the status quo. This little revelation came to me last month. I always question- and ask- but why are we doing it this way when the Bible says this??? I think I have made my peace with this. I guess I am "the voice in the wilderness- calling all the white elephants out!" The only thing is, I really need to constantly do that "log check" and make sure there isn't a log in MY eye. Sigh. Why me? Lord, give me courage and balance and wisdom and discernment. Wow. That got deep there for a minute. Yikes.

What is black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin falling down the stairs!

Thank you! Y'all have been a great audience! Have a good night!

'Twas the week before Christmas...

2008-12-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

...and it's a little crazy.

We got a call Friday morning from my surgeon requesting that we come in early. So we got up, showered, and off we went. It was a harrowing trip. I drove, since my husband is from Florida, and he freaks out a bit at crazy snowy roads... I talked with the lady at the surgeons and the main road to the hospital was closed so she told us to go up a different one, which wasn't actually an exit... We are not familiar with Capitol Hill, so we over shot where we should have got off and ended up south of downtown, driving through icky, icy streets back toward Capitol Hill. Miraculously, we made it...ON TIME. I couldn't believe it. My blood pressure was through the roof. So we checked in, I got the IV put in me. I HATE IV's, they freak me out like nobody's business. When I was twelve (the last time I had surgery) a doctor tried to put an IV in me- it took him NINE tries. It was a smidge traumatic to say the least. But I survived. I went into surgery around noon and was in for 3 hours. Marty got a little worried- they told us about an hour and a half to two hours- but apparently, I have "tough skin." Huh. And my gall bladder was positioned a little weird- but now...it's gone. It took me a bit to wake up- and I was pretty sick when I did (no gory details- but Marty was amazed) then they got me on my feet and kicked me out into the snow. One of the nurses gave us a less treacherous route home and the Florida boy did very well even though he was very nervous. We made it home- I was sick...again. And then settled in for a very uncomfortable night. The weekend was a lot of me lying around, feeling nauseous in a drug induced stupor. Poor Mickey couldn't understand why he couldn't lay on my tummy- I mean, I was RIGHT THERE. After a couple of calls to the nurses, they pulled me off the narcotics (I can't believe people take that stuff on PURPOSE, yikes) and as of yesterday- I think the anesthesia finally worked itself out of my system and now I feel a bit more normal. I might even try a baked yam...ooooh. See the excitement my life has been reduced to?

In addition to all that fun, we've had a major winter storm for Seattle. As of yesterday morning, there was about 10-11 inches on top of ice. Joy. Marty has made a couple of treks to the store and the library and out to take pictures. He is at work this morning- good thing- he was about climbing the walls yesterday. I, myself, am hoping we can get out of the house for the Christmas festivities we have planned or I will also be climbing the walls.

We are not sure when it happened, sometime between Saturday mid-day and Monday afternoon (when most of the snow was happening) someone tried to steal the jeep. Yep. Merry Christmas. Our parking space is in a well-lit spot on a main drag, but someone jimmied the lock and tried to boost it. They didn't succeed, but now we need to get it fixed. What a pain. Poor Marty- he has had to deal with ALL the crap this week. He's AWESOME. So that's all the news fit to print.

We're hoping to make it to the 5pm service tomorrow- although it's supposed to snow tonight- but I am off narcotics so...

We wish you and yours a VERY Merry Christmas full of the peace of God.

I know, I know.....

2008-12-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

....it's been almost a kabillion years since I last blogged. : )

Okay- a wee exaggeration, but it's been awhile. I've been way too busy. We got all three Christmas touring shows up and the mainstage and they all look lovely. I'm very tired, but I survived. The only fallout of it all is a TON of laundry and I'm feeling unmotivated to work- I'm sure it's due to burnout. Sadly, not working isn't an option. So I muddle along and do the best I can. I am currently designing Gee's Bend and Tuesdays with Morrie (at only 2 costumes, this is currently my FAVORITE show) I bought a new serger for the shop this week and will give it a test drive today. I have a lovely intern from Turkey, and the timing is great. She is helping me do the "December clean and purge." I plan to take the week of Christmas off, for the most part, so I am quite looking forward to that.

My health? Well, some of my "faithful readers" (har, har) probably already know I had a serious gall bladder attack that put me in urgent care the day before Thanksgiving. For the most part I feel pretty well. I watch what I eat, and when I don't, I pay the price. I ate a couple of Christmas cookies last night and feel a bit "eh" today as a result. I will meet with a surgeon for a follow-up appointment on Monday. Now that I know what a gall bladder attack is...I've been actually been having them on and off since 1999. So maybe it's time to get that pesky thing out. The downside is there is no good time for me to take off from work (other than the week of Christmas) but you know what? That's just too darn bad. The upside? No holiday weight gain. I've lost about 5-6 pounds and have cruised there for a week or two. Nice.

On the spiritual front....well, we did some art for the Christmas Taize services. I'm still a bit frustrated with church. But hopefully, there is a discussion with the "powers that be" that can work some of that out. It's been interesting. A few months back I was praying and I felt that God told me He was going to "position me" in a place that I wouldn't be comfortable, that I would meet resistance because it would go against tradition and I would feel not equipped, but I am. I was not thrilled at the prospect, but I know better than to argue. : ) I just told God that "YOU are gonna have to drive this bus." So I have been waiting.

I thought it would have to do with the prayer ministry, but it doesn't seem to be happening. In fact, I feel pretty disconnected with the prayer life of the church. I hear different things than the other intercessors and I pray a different way anyway. I don't know. I love the intercessors, and I think they are "hearing" and praying and are totally on track. I'm the one not tracking. And I just don't have much patience for "polite" prayer. I pray like I talk. And I like to make war with the devil- because I know I am on the winning side. So...all that to say- I think what God was telling me a few months ago had nothing to do with prayer. Some things have happenened in the past week or so that lead me to believe God is working on some stuff regarding "Leadership." (Cue dramatic music here) I feel like it surrounds me and is in my face at church and at work. What is good leadership? What does a good leader look like? How do they operate? I really think God has taught me A LOT this year about leadership. It's been interesting. I've read books, I've gone to seminars (at my old church, there were so many "leaders" I often wondered who was following) but this year....I don't know. I've learned a lot through experience and observation. Good and bad. I think the best book I've read on the subject is called "The Leadership Paradox" by a guy from YWAM. I think I might need to re-read it....again. It's all about the leadership of Jesus. It has some cheesy "example" stories of Jesus's ministry at the start of each chapter- but once you get past that- it's GOOD STUFF. So, I dont' know where all that will lead...if anywhere. But I am trying to be tuned in.

In other news- while we've missed the community of the Christmas Musical- I have not missed the time commitment and we are enjoying Christmas in Seattle. We've seen You Can't Take It With You at the Rep, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers at the 5th, The Lost Dogs in Concert (awesome) and The Black Nativity at the Intiman (if you haven't been, get your butt there! I am beginning to think I need to go to a black church.....) I feel a bit worn out- but I am happy to enjoy the season. We've seen the Christmas lights downtown and I think we have found the winner of our neighborhood's "Wacktastic Holiday Light Contest." It's on 81st, about 1/2 block west of Fremont, if you would like to see it. Trust me, you'll know which one it is.

So that's all the news fit to print. Next week is also packed pretty full. We'll see how it goes. I have no idea how or when the gall bladder thing will play out. I'll try and be a better blogger in the future and keep y'all posted.

May you enjoy rest and peace in the midst of the insanity of the season.

What a week....

2008-11-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a week.
We have the first black president-elect EVER. Wow. I am still convinced that if there was a lot more prayin' and a lot less complainin' in this country- things would look MUCH different. I've known since about Christmas that Obama would be president. Just one of those gut things. And while I don't agree on all of his policies, and I certainly do not think he can "save" our country- I am committed to praying for him...as I would have been for McCain if he had won. Here's the thing- Obama is a MAN. Just a man. There is only one savior. I was telling a friend today that I am concerned with the idolatry surrounding Obama. He is a politician. That is what he does. He does it particularly well since he has convinced most people that he isn't a politician. I expect he will do some good things, and probably some bad things. Good decisions and bad decisions, he is, after all, only human. I pray he surrounds himself with people wiser than he to hold him accountable and give him advice. I pray that he listens. I pray that he prays. I suspect, with the state of our country being what it is- he will find himself on his knees quite often. I am intrigued to see how it all plays out. I pray for my deeply republican friends, near and far, that they can lay down their preconceived notions of what will happen, pray and trust that God is bigger than any government or person. Matthew 23: 9-11 has been in my heart these past few days- don't know what it is? Go look it up, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a Bible. : )

Work is insane. Christmas tech is a week and a half away. Fittings have not gone as well as I would like. We're behind, too much to do, too few to do it. By the grace of God.....

And most importantly...the loss of a child. How devastating. My dear, dear friends- Jen and Rick Hubbell lost their youngest child this week. Nathan was due to be born this week and was stillborn on Monday night. I do not know the details and understandably- the family isn't ready to talk yet, and I honor that. But I am in prayer without ceasing for them. My heart is broken, I can't imagine the pain. I sat and cried for a long time Monday night when I found out. How anyone could not value any kind of life....I just don't understand. If you are the praying kind- please pray for Jen, Rick and their children Bekah, Palmer and Carleigh. The ways of God are mysterious to say the least. His ways, not our ways, His thoughts- not our thoughts. I rest in that- knowing that no matter how hard I try- I really am incapable of understanding.

Today, I feel sad...and expectant...and tired...and stressed...it's been a week. And heaven help me, it's only Wednesday.

Warfare

2008-10-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

That's what it feels like. I am in a whirlwind of spiritual warfare. Many people may not know what I am talking about, or what I am feeling, or may attribute it to stress or hormones, or whatever. They can poo-poo it all they like. But I know what it is. I know that the devil has always had a keen dislike for me. I know that he knows all the buttons he can push with me, all the things that hurt me the most- and dang skippy- he's shootin' with both barrels at the moment.

Work is stressful (when isn't it?) - there is just too much to do and not quite enough manpower to do it.

I am heading up a major outreach at church this week that is FINALLY starting to "click" into place. (Thank you God!) And I am sure that the devil isn't doing the happy dance about that.

He is attacking those nearest and dearest to my heart- friends, family...people I truly love. He is trying to isolate and divide, and at the moment, the lies are working. Frustration mounts. Disappointment and disillusionment and unforgiveness reign. I can feel that isolation and division trying to creep into my own heart- and while I resist, I don't really know what to do about it. I have faith that there is victory- but I do not know what that journey to victory looks like at the moment, and I am ever so weary.

And through it all, through the confusion, through the pain, through the frustration. I press in and I pray. And I KNOW that the devil DEFINITELY is NOT doing the happy dance about that.
Friends tell me to "Trust God." And on a deep level, I do, I really do. But I could really use a boost of encouragement to the deep, deep places that only God knows about- a breakthrough in the bone-deep sorrows I carry that only He knows about. But instead, I see the arrows of the enemy flying around me- hitting their marks- and no matter how much I pray....
But having done all, I will stand, and I will hope, because the alternative is unacceptable.

Simple life....

2008-10-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Right. I wish!!! How is it, that when we want to make life simpler, things get more crazy? I know I am not the only one feeling this. It seems to be in every arena of my life at the moment.

At home, things are breaking right and left... What the heck? From little things, like small family heirloom knick-knacks that only matter sentimentally...to the toaster....to the CAR! And of course, we have some savings, but in these wibbly times with Christmas coming, we are trying to be prudent and wise....

In the nation...well, yikes. Of course, I can't help thinking that the disaster that is the economy is just reaping the greed, selfishness and arrogance that was sowed...however, it's not just the perpetrators that are reaping, but some of us along the way that tried to live smart. I keep hoping that our country will get an attitude adjustment and some perspective on what really matters and that mass consumerism is not the answer to happiness. And entitlement is not a given- ooooh, the arrogance and entitlement I see just chaps my fanny!!!
Then the election! UGH. It makes me crazy! I am getting hate mail from everyone down south about Obama, and getting hate mail from everyone up here about McCain. It is RIDICULOUS. I don't like EITHER ONE of them. I don't feel comfortable about someone who hasn't even served a full term in the senate thinking that qualifies him to run the country in one of the most difficult times in history (who knows, maybe he can) and I don't feel comfortable about someone who seems to be having some sort of belated mid-life crisis and is running amuck in his campaign- seemingly operating out of his emotions. And all the media bruhaha spreading lies and confusing things...come on. Really?
But in it all I choose to trust God. That He is working all things for good- in the economy (remember, He disciplines those he loves) and in politics...ok, I confess, I am having a harder time with that one....but I CHOOSE to trust Him anyhow.

And the church....wow. I don't know what to think there. There's all this talk of "simple church" and change, and quite frankly, things seem to be getting more complicated and nothing actually seems to be changing. It's wearing me out a bit, and it's discouraging. There are some wonderful folks in our congregation, but it's as if everyone thinks someone else will volunteer or serve. Now, I know this is not a unique problem, but still... it's frustrating when you are trying to plan an event. And I've really been thinking a lot about accountability and integrity- which makes me not want to say too much here, because there are things that I am still working through and praying about. I just don't know. Perhaps it's just an issue of having different values than others.

I am also trying to get ready for Trunk-or-Treat and for the Christmas Bazaar at church- the goal- 80-100 ornaments- I've done 60. So, in addition to everything, I am madly trying to make things as well. I think I am on crack.

At work, well...it's CHRISTMAS. And 95% of the 3 touring shows and mainstage show needs to be done by November 17th! By the grace of God, we'll make it and I am sure it will all be fabulous, but holy cow. This constant breakneck pace....oy! Speaking of which, I have scads of laundry and ironing and mending to do today...I had best get to it. How I long for the simple life....

Accountability

2008-10-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

I was reading on the "Between Journey" blog today about how someone held Jeff accountable for the fact that he's been pushing the spiritual gifting seminars without giving anyone any info about it. Good for her! You go girl! That is really hard to do- on both ends. It got me thinking a bit about accountability- especially in this time where the economy is going willy nilly because of the supreme LACK of accountability...SEE PEOPLE?! When there is no accountability, things go willy nilly and sometimes, the consequences are dire and quite painful.

It's just so interesting to me. I feel like what God is having me "work on" in the past bit 'o' time is that whole accountability thing. Not only for myself (I try really hard to do what I say I will, I usually do, but sometimes...it's a bit later than I would like to) but...and this is the terribly hard part for me, for others. I feel like God is calling me to "speak up" and hold others accountable. To me, this is...terrifying. I can do it, but usually I wait until I feel backed up against a wall, and then I get all emotional- usually not about the issue at hand, but about the fact that I have to BRING IT UP...it is very, very stressful to me. Especially in dealing with someone who might be considered an authority figure. Seriously, it FREAKS ME OUT. I really believe in honoring authority- and have had some bad teaching taking that concept to the extreme, as in "honoring authority" means NEVER questioning it- even when leadership is running amuck. I am still unlearning this, and I think it contributes to the stress. But I am getting more and more convinced that a lack of accountability is wreaking havoc in our society. It's more obvious in the economical and political arenas, but it's pretty bad everywhere else too.
I am starting small. I told the children at the Northwest Church that I would hold them accountable for passing out invites to Trunk-or-Treat. I put it in plain terms. I told them,"I will come back and make sure you did what you said you would, because if you didn't, what does that mean?"
And they told me the truth. "It means we lied."
Yikes.

ROBBED!

2008-09-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's me. I've been robbed. The Secret Garden Bookstore just called me to inform me that someone walked off with a piece of my art. Apparently, this has never happened before. They will pay me for the piece and I suspect the Ballard Newspaper will be giving me a call....but...I've been robbed. It makes me feel...strange.

Just more evidence we live in a fallen world.

I think the piece that was stolen ("B" is for Butterfly) wasn't that expensive- maybe around $50-60....so you would think someone could afford it...but no...

I have to confess that my experience with this particular show hasn't been the best. They wanted me for the artwalk, but weren't actually OPEN for the artwalk...and then this. They are very kind and wonderful people- they are horrified and feel terrible about what happened. It's not them at all. And I just keep hearing "extend grace." That's what I heard when I found out that they wouldn't be open for the artwalk, "extend grace." And "extend grace" is what I hear now. They offered to take down my stuff and return it to me, but I told them it wasn't necessary, we could wait until the end of the show. It's odd. I think God is working something here, although I have NO idea what it could be- but I am choosing to trust Him. His ways aren't our ways, don't you know.

I sure hope whoever stole my art really enjoys it.

Things that make you go hmmmm....

2008-09-19T10:54:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling discouraged lately. I read the New York Times as my primary source of news and it seems that the country is falling apart around me and there is no hope. I'm tired at work and got the news today that the primary stitcher I was hoping to get for the Christmas build is backing out and working for a bigger theatre that can pay more- a bit of a blow, since there isn't anyone else available. But then I got this in my email today from a friend- a letter that is circulating from David Letterman, of all people...and it sure is interesting to think about....

David Letterman wrote this; it's the David we don't often see...

"As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.” 'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?

A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?
B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
G.. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.
H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.
J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.
K.. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
M.. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' David Letterman

Wow. Indeed, no wonder the world sees us the way they do. I think our perspective is out of whack... We are an ungrateful, stubborn and selfish people. Help me, O Lord, to live with a thankful heart- for being born in this country- for such a time as this. If I only had a bird....

And so on....

2008-08-31T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well- I am still in my GenX doldrums.... still struggling, particularly on a personal note. I feel more challenged to "step up to the plate." Sadly, I have NO FREAKIN' CLUE what that actually means. So....I will keep going and trusting God that whatever needs to happen will happen and I won't miss out or screw up. I think the more I walk with God, the less I know. But yet, I still trust Him. Yikes. I just feel as if I am totally messing things up all over the place. Yet, I seem to still be producing "fruit." I guess that's God using the imperfect vessel thing- thank goodness for that! Sometimes, I just feel like I've lost my.... "zeal"....for lack of a better term...to the point that sometimes I find other people's zeal a bit trite, which isn't fair at all. I don't presume to judge their hearts. But isn't there a way to live our lives for Jesus without being religious? I am beginning to wonder... But enough about that, suffice it to say- I am still very much in process.

In other news, other than picking up drycleaning and trying to cram all the costumes into stock- BIG RIVER IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. OY. It felt like it was TAKING OVER MY LIFE.

August is over, another relief. It's alway a busy time at Camp TTC- but it seemed much more so this year- partly because of Big River maintenance and partly because we had to build everything for the next show before September 1st when I lost the majority of my work force. A big shout out to Dana, Beth, Sue, Melinda and Mandy- I so would not have survived this summer without them. They do tremendous work and I really appreciate all of them sooooo much. Now, things should settle into a busy, but relatively normal pace through Christmas.

I really don't have too much more to say- actually, I do have much rolling around in my mind- but don't have the energy today to type it all out and try and make sense of it all.

Generation X

2008-08-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well, long tedious story short. I survived the parental visit and had some fun to boot. It was hardly what I would call restful, but life goes on. I am still pretty fried and burned out, and am trying to figure out how to "rest and restore" so that I can continue on the insane track of my life that runs through Christmas. So life goes on. And that's that.

Today, at church, Jeff was talking about thinking cross-generationally (something I believe in VERY much) and was describing all the different generations- boomers, X-er's, millenials...etc. etc. and I am a bang-on-the-money X-er all the way. Yep. Yessiree...wow, it was a smidge scary.

Apparently, we're a tad cynical, we have an ability to see through "falseness"- particularly pertaining to the church, we lack optimism, and we are extremely relational, we are big into AUTHENTICITY. I would say, for me- that's pretty much truth.

As I sat there- listening to Jeff talk about how unless we start "walking the talk," the church will lose the generations to come, I realized that I think that is very true. I already don't particularly want to go to church... I am finding, lately, I really am tired of "playing church." But what does "real" church look like? I have no idea- but what it is- we're not seeing...

And I sat listening to the congregation (primarily boomers, I believe) sit there and say "Yes!" and "Amen!" I am afraid my X-er cynicism kicked in in a big way. I just don't think they really know what they are saying yes and amen to, and, if they find out- will they be willing and able to do it? I just don't know. I am sad to say that I don't have the confidence that they will. Boomers like their institutions and programs- which once worked, but don't anymore...can they really bridge the gap? As the older generation- these boomers need to impart what wisdom they can- if they don't change, if they don't try to REALLY reach these 20's and 30's folks, who are the next leaders of the church- the church will die. DIE. That sounds dramatic, God is so much bigger- but the church will probably morph into something they don't recognize- and will they be left behind? And what will the next generations miss out on? And what will they miss out on from the next generations if they can't change?

We live in a selfish society. When I taught daycare- the first words from the two-year olds were "MINE" and "NO." Do we teach children to be selfish? Not at all- they have that down already- we have to teach them to share, to not be selfish. Darn that sin nature. So how do we be like Jesus in our arrogant, entitled, self-centered, selfish american society? Truly being like Jesus gets messy. It means getting in people's messes- it means accepting them as is- and LOVING them that way. It means taking time out to be with people (X-er relationship-ism- right there, ladies and gents) and spend time with them- it doesn't mean shiny happy programs....says the girl planning the kick-ass Trunk-or-Treat for the church.... perhaps it doesn't mean shiny happy programs with agendas? I just don't know. It means sacrificing what we want for the other, as brothers and sisters in Christ, as husbands and wives, as complete strangers. It's EXHAUSTING. I know I struggle in a big way. BIG WAY. Sometimes, dealing with that kind of "high maintenance" in hurting people takes it completely out of me. I am drained. A puddle in the corner. Ouch. And when people ask me to pray, I have to say- "Sorry- I got nothing left." And part of that comes from the busy-ness that keeps me from pulling away and filling up and drawing close to God. How to balance it all? I have no idea, and right now, I am flunking in a big way.

But I do know that I am tired of "Going to church" instead of living like Jesus. I am tired of Christians treating each other without respect- treating each other like crap. I am just TIRED of it ALL. I love God- with my whole heart. But I really do struggle with the Bride. I know Jeff's heart is right- but while there are very, VERY good things going on at our church- it feels so.....churchy.... to me and I am afraid we are heading right back into the land of good mega-church-like government and great programs- and not really getting at the heart of what Jesus really wants from us. I wish I knew how to do it myself...I know I am gloriously inept.

In all honesty, I find providing a workplace that is a "refuge" for a stitcher who is going through a rough time seems to me to be much more fulfilling than going to church as of late. I feel so much more like that is what God is wanting me to do...and I'd like to do more. I love that Marty and I are out in the "art community"- we don't do traditional witnessing- but we make friends, we love people...isn't that really what it's about? Being Jesus to people, trusting God to draw them to Him through us...loving without agenda, being there to answer the questions when it's time...

I used to love going to church. But that was when I bought into all the "shiny happy christianity" crap- I lived at the church 24/7. I met all expectations- I "served" 20-30 hours a week. I led, I prayed, I read, I mentored, I cooked meals, I taught kid's church, I cleaned yards- all good things- no doubt- BUT- I had no "unsaved" friends... I wasn't Jesus to anyone who didn't already know Him...what's the point? I confess, I seem to be back in my wilderness time. I feel like I am still being called away to God- to soak and learn, sadly- I've been "too busy" to answer.

Father, help me to find the time to find you again. I am your little, cynical, frustrated X-er daughter and I need some HELP.

INCOMING!!!

2008-07-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well...in less than 24 hours, my parents will have descended upon us. At this moment, I am hoping they are relaxing in Spokane- and will arrive here in Seattle- early afternoonish tomorrow. The house...is clean. We'll set up the air mattress tonight. The towels are out- interestingly enough, we have absolutely NO matching towels in the house. NONE. I thought I had a set of at least matching bath towels, but no... OY. So the mismatched guest towels are out- hey- they do the job! So the house is as ready as it will be. I had grand plans of great spring cleaning (I am telling you, company can be inspiring for around the house projects) But I am too dang tired! Marty helped and vacuumed and took out the recycling- but I just didn't have it in me for a big clean. So be it. There are more important things in life than a spotless house...it's clean enough. Tomorrow I will pick up Mickey's meds, do a little last minute grocery shopping and then RELAX for a few precious hours before it's all parents, all the time. They will be here until Tuesday. No big plans yet...thrift stores (they love Value Village) and the show, and dinner with cousin Margaret, hopefully a cruise...we will see how it goes.

Mickey spent the day at the vet with his Katie. Katie is one of my favorite techs at the vet- she is super nice and way fun and when Mickey isn't being poked and prodded, he LOVES her. However, today was not that day. He had a blood test. Then he's all matted up. As my friend Heather says, "Old long haired kitties get lumpy." He's lumpy...and bony...and skinny...and currently a bit crabby. I gave him some "tuna juice" from the can- so when he wakes, he'll probably be happier. Katie couldn't get all the knots (those armpits are a booger) but she got a lot- next time, we'll go after the rest. He's just not that into grooming, and doesn't like to be brushed...which means we'll get lots of lectures from my mom about when they had him, how she brushed him every day etc. etc...he may have put up with it from her- but not from us. So he'll start his normal round of chemo tomorrow. Sadly, he's losing weight- and starting to fail- but he still seems active and happy and is eating, sleeping (when he's not stomping on my head at 4 am) and pooping...so we just keep on keeping on.

Marty is at the vet...I mean, the doctor right now. He has a sinus infection- he's been gone awhile, so I am assuming that he has prescriptions to fill or more tests or whatever- he's been gone 2 hours. Good thing we're not emceeing the Greenwood Seafair Parade this year, it's already started and we would be LATE. I'm actually not sad to miss the parade...3 years was plenty. However "Huck" and "Jim" from Big River are the grand marshals- in full costume- so that's pretty neat.

And that's all the news for now. The black eye is now green and yellow and purple and absolutely GORGEOUS. I tell you, I feel FANTASTIC! NO ONE is prettier than I am right now!

TTFN

Black eyed Sarahs

2008-07-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well, Big River is up and running! HUZZAH! It's selling well and getting brilliant reviews and other than 2-6 loads of laundry per day and tons of repair work (the cast is MURDER on the clothes) I can...move on? Oy....

So I took a WHOLE DAY off- yep- last Monday- which we spent cleaning and purging closets. We took a Jeep load to Goodwill- preparing for the Jeep load of "stuff" coming from Iowa this week. My parents started driving from Iowa today..... yikes. They will be here on Thursday through next Tuesday. It will be nice to see them- I am actually looking forward to their visit.

So, of course, it's still insanely busy. It's summer! I've been working on little projects around the house (nothing like having company to help you get your crap together) and we've had a friend stay with us a couple of nights this week. She's in Big River and lives in Tacoma and is working at the summer camps at Taproot. It's too much $$ and lack of sleep to drive home after the performance, sleep and come right back. She will probably stay with us a couple of nights a week for the rest of the run, except for next week.

I've been working on a press shoot for the next mainstage show- that happens Tuesday... and I've been madly working on the Road Company- work will be crazy until Christmas this year.

I am getting excited to get going on Trunk-or-Treat at church... I need to get a team together and get going on that. It's going to eat a lot of time- but I am so looking forward to it. It'll be so much fun for the kids and their families. However, it will eat so much time that if we have a Christmas play at church this year- I will not be involved.

Marty had a show at the Bouncing Wall for the Queen Anne art walk on Thursday night. Lots of folks showed up- so that was fun. It seemed he sold a lot of prints- so that is AWESOME. He's a hit, my studly hubby.

And yesterday I threw a luncheon for the team of stitchers for Big River. They did a great job and deserved every bit of appreciation I could throw at them. After that, I went to dinner at a co-worker's home to meet a potential new production stage manager- it was fun. She was nice. Coming home, I was getting out of the car- and my friend said something to me- I turned back to answer her and smacked my head into the frame of her car- it's a very aerodynamic car and the frame is much lower than most vehicles I ride in. I totally smacked the crap out of my head, slamming my sunglasses into my face. It immediately swelled up- it hurt like heck and I could tell as I got ready for bed, I'd wake up with a shiner. Sure enough, it's a beaut. Once the swelling goes down, I think it'll look like REALLY DRAMATIC eye make-up. One strawberry marguerita and a little bit of poor depth perception combined with an aerodynamic car...ouch!
My head still hurts like heck. I don't think I gave myself a concussion- but I hit my head VERY hard. And my eye is VERY black.

I wear my sunglasses at night...and at the bank...and at the store...and to church.....

Today, I gave the car it's annual bath...a very good thing. I also did a few little odd chores and rested a bit. Tomorrow is church (Marty and his band are leading worship- yay!) and we're going to check out the last low, low tide of the year- more starfish. It's so very cool to go and look at them. Then the rest of this week will be filled with busy times at work and preparing at work and at home for the parental arrival.

That's all for now, it's more than enough.

So it begins....

2008-07-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Dress rehearsals start tonight. We are in amazingly good shape. I confess to being a bit stunned by that. We have a page of notes and a buttload of logistics and lists to sort out today- but pretty much ALL the clothes are there....out of curiousity- I think I might count them... Seriously, A LOT of clothing. Thank all y'all who are praying- it's working- keep praying- we still have to get through dress....all those actors in tight spaces. Yikes. Thankfully, it's a humble crowd- it's amazing how a little humility goes a long way. No divas in this bunch.
So that will be my life for the next week and a half...it'll be nice to have a day off tomorrow to recover from tonight.

Don't forget to check out my art at the Green Bean! It's up for the month of July!

Highlights...

2008-06-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

...of my week...

Big River- is well on its way. I can take the weekend off in good conscience. Everything is built- but needs to be finished after fittings on Monday. There is still much work to be done before first dress on Thursday, but my brain is MUSH and will be better prepared after a weekend (yes, 2 whole days!) of not dealing with it. Then, I will be ready for 2 weeks of ALL BIG RIVER, ALL THE TIME. Yikes.

We released the LADYBUGS!!! Yep, I bought 1500 ladybugs and released them on the porch to combat aphids. All but about 10 have left the building. I just hope they had the decency to lay eggs before they flew off, after all, I DID free them. Those remaining ladybugs have been having quite the aphid feast. It's a circle of bug's life...ladybugs eat the aphids, one ladybug got eaten by a spider.... It's all very fascinating...and organic!

I am in the process of purchasing a partially assembled dollhouse- I am quite excited. Tomorrow, I will call the guy and arrange to go get it. Then I will enjoy redecorating and finishing it and then hopefully sell it for a ridiculous amount of money. I would love to have a business doing that- but, baby steps. It'll be a nice way to let my mind rest.

Tuesday, I will hang an art show at The Green Bean. Tomorrow, I need to gather what I will be using so that I can do labels. I have a couple of repairs to do and some hangers to put on.

I also would like to start making Christmas ornaments as well...in all my copious spare time...and I am still in charge of Trunk-or-Treat at church this year....somehow...I don't think my plan to simplify my life is working.....

And through all this, I long to find a place to rest and retreat with Jesus. I just want to spend the rest of the year reading the gospels and finding out on a deeper level what Jesus said, how He loved and lived and how He intends for me to live...it's very hard in all the busy-ness...and I just want to create and pray! ACK! How to balance the time.

So that's my week, in a nutshell....

Tomorrow, I have a date with my husband (yeah, baby!) to go see Wall-e...and lunch. I will then do chores I've been ignoring and hopefully read a good book. All in all, a productive week.

Big HONKIN' River...continues...

2008-06-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am drowning in muddy waters. No, not really- I think it will be fine. But I am tired, it's an incredible amount of energy to expend to get this show up- I worked 50+ hours last week, and I think that's the shortest week I'll work for the next few weeks. It's just a huge show on all counts. If I can just take it day by day and not think about the amount of work that needs to happen in the next week and a half before 1st dress- it will be brilliant. And in three weeks, it will be up and running...huzzah. My parents are coming to visit the end of July and I already reserved good seats for them- I think it'll be a hot ticket...but beware- it's PG-13- there's cussing and the word "nigger" is used because we are trying to stay true to what Mark Twain intended with the story...

I think one of the funniest stories about this show came when I was returning the Doubt costumes to the Seattle Rep. The delightful Sarah- who is their rental person, asked me what show we were working on. I told her. She looked at me like I suddenly grew a second head and said, " Really? Are you doing it period?" I completely understand how she felt. We're substituting petticoats for hoop skirts so everyone will fit on the stage, but it is a really big show for our space. In fact, I am certain we will max out our space- rack space, the dressing rooms, the green room, the stage...but the cast is fun and all get along very well- so I am certain it will be fun times had by all....but if I'm not blogging...it's because I am swimming upstream in muddy waters....

Brainfart of Epic Proportions...

2008-06-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

.....I'd say one of the top three in my lifetime. I blew it. I got it in my head that BIG HONKIN' RIVER opens on July 18th- I was WRONGO- it opens on the 11th. Holy Crap. I just lost a whole week- do you know what that means in costume land? HOLY CRAP.

So, I am trying very hard not to panic. I have an amazing team of stitchers who are about to get a bit more work a bit sooner than they expected. I just thought we were doing well to head into first dress on the 11th- now it's on the 3rd. So- we will regroup on Monday and work the schedule again- thankfully, they are good and swift and want to work. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did this, seriously- I have NEVER EVER done anything quite like this before. I am in awe of myself. What an idiot. So...that being said, if you are a praying type- please pray for me- I need to be able to regroup and will probably have to put in a lot more hours myself in the next few weeks (not like I've been sitting around eating bon-bon's the past few weeks) and keep my own morale and the morale of my team up- and keep us from being completely overloaded. I think it's really hard because I already way underbudgeted labor on this one already and was already overwhelmed- and now...

I just feel soooo stupid.

Waiting

2008-06-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

For something. I don't know what. I am waiting for God to move. I hear things about healings and revival...but I don't know. These things make me uneasy, and I can't explain why. I don't doubt anything God can do, but I am still waiting for the deep, deep move of God. The kind that changes hearts and lives in the longterm...which in itself, is a sign, a wonder...a miracle. And yet, I am also waiting for the lady in our church who believes she will walk during this lifetime to go on and get on up out of her wheelchair. I am waiting to know the truth about what God intends church to be. I am waiting to soak in God's presence once again in worship. I am waiting for the "Word" to our church that other intercessors seem to be hearing, but I do not. I am waiting for the children of God to come to a place of humility and repentance. I am waiting for revelation- I am waiting for something big- and I don't even know what it is. But the expectation is in me, making me restless... and uneasy. I don't know how to pray. I honor the prayer requests of friends, but I feel like there's something more, something deeper, something bigger....

As I wait, God is still working. I see Him working in the lives of friends who are discovering new relationships... I see Him disciplining His children. Myself included. And I wait. I wait and hope not to get overwhelmed with busy-ness. My work life will be insane for the next month or so and could consume me. I don't want that. I wait, and I long for a simpler life. I wait, and my heart longs for stillness while my mind longs to be diverted... I am just waiting....for Him.

I got nothing....

2008-05-30T11:23:00.001-07:00

....in mind for a witty title for this blog. Sorry.

Just a quick check in for those of you checking in. The new bed ROCKS. Love it! Still need the comforter set of our dreams, but we're all sleeping better.

I had to put down Grand Theft Jesus. Dude kinda went off the deep end a bit. He still had valid things to say-but I was just getting WAY depressed reading the book. If you're up for it- I would still recommend it. I think the CHURCH needs to relook at itself and behave more like the Bride than the Mistress, if you know what I mean. I am still studying the red letters. I have been praying and worshipping a lot lately, and praying about worship, and worshipping while praying... I sense a theme.

I still feel a heaviness about the grand scheme of eternity that hasn't lifted yet. Not sure what that's all about yet. Will keep praying and worshipping.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by Big River. The sheer volume is unnerving. I think we will hit our "ceiling" on this one. One of the big issues I am concerned about is space, rack space, dressing room space. One of our goals is to take care of people and if 20 people are crammed into a space that 12 feel tight in.... I also don't know that I made the budget big enough. I guess we will find out. On the up side, I have one of the best construction crews we have ever had, so I am excited about that. And I think it should look pretty good...we will keep you posted.

I don't have much of a weekend, I have to dress both shows tomorrow. I will be taking Sunday off since next week will begin the build and the hilarity/madness will ensue. Just like Theoden in Two Towers, I stand on the wall of Helm's Deep thinking, "And so it begins."

Yikes.

5 more days until the new bed!!!

2008-05-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yep- it's a countdown. We flipped the mattress to "survive" the next week. Alas, it's just as uncomfy. I am way looking forward to the bed. Five days and counting......

In other news...I am trying to design Big River. It's HUGE. I think, if I can pull it off, it will be fantastic...but I have to get it designed first. I am hoping I can balance the size, the logistics and the artistry of it all. Prayers appreciated. I shall have no life until mid- July.

I miss the sun. Boo rain. Poor Mickey doesn't understand it's too chilly for him to hang out on the porch.

I am reading "Grand Theft Jesus." I was intrigued by the book at the library. It's very challenging and interesting. It's supposed to be funny, but I think the author just sounds angry most of the time. He has a right to be... I think.... or should he love his enemies.... the religious right, megachurches and their pastors, republicans? Things that make you go hmmmm....

I don't agree with everything this guy says- but he has A LOT of good points to think about- particularly, how the religious right seems to completely disregard the actual teachings of Jesus, which has led me to start studying the red letters in my Bible. If we really follow the teachings of Jesus, yikes. The author, Robert S. McElvaine, does seem to repeat himself quite a bit in the book, and he has his "pet" people and issues he picks on. I don't necessarily disagree with what he has to say about them, I understand his frustration, but I feel he must be careful that his heart is pure before God. I will trust that he does have a pure heart. He does have valid points about social issues that Jesus paid attention to (the poor) that the "church/religious right" doesn't actually support. He talks about how the "church" has lost sight of "good works." I think there might be some validity to that. In our society, we'll do "good works," if it doesn't cost us anything or require any sort of sacrifice of time, energy and emotion on our part. I am also intrigued by his notion of "Christianity-lite"- and how he likens it to a miracle diet, LOSE 50 POUNDS AND EAT WHAT YOU WANT!!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO EXERCISE! It's a really interesting concept. NAME JESUS AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR AND YOU CAN STILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!! It's interesting, I believe that we are saved by grace, and grace alone, and that you can't "work out" your salvation, but I think we need to grow as followers of Christ and that good works are a part of that journey. I don't think all "christians" think the way he talks about, he even admits that himself. But there are the loud "christians," that make a lot of noise, do a lot of damage and cause people like me to call ourselves "followers of Jesus" because we don't want to be associated with the loud and unloving crowd. I tell you what, it's a thinker of a book. But it does bring up some of the issues that I ponder and wonder, was that teaching I received and bought into for awhile in the past truthful? It challenges some leaders that I have looked up to in the past, but you know what? My faith can handle it. My God can handle it. But I want to know the TRUTH. So, I seek the truth in the words of Jesus Himself. I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.

I've been studying for 3 days and have barely made it through the beatitudes. Talk about things that make you go hmmmm....those beatitudes pretty much go against the american dream. But so far, as I look around at astronomical housing, gas and food prices, we're destroying our economy, our earth- we have a crappy government, healthcare system and a TERRIBLE social security set-up....I think I am vastly UNIMPRESSED with the "American dream."

It boggles my mind to think there are folks out there who don't even think about this stuff. They don't want to take responsibility for our world. I think sometimes, people think that when it says God gave man dominion over the earth in Genesis, it means they can trash it and do whatever the hell they feel like. When really, it means we're responsible for taking care of our earth. We're responsible for taking care of each other, for feeding people, for taking care of the sick and the elderly...for loving one another. I am thankful that some parts of the earth are still untouched and beautiful. I am thankful for acts of love that I see. But many folks don't do even the little things to help the environment-let alone helping people. No, we live in a ME-ME-ME, CONSUME-CONSUME-CONSUME society. The age of reality TV.

Sadly, I think many (I am NOT saying all) churches buy into the whole american dream society thing as well. "Jesus died so I could have an SUV, $300 jeans and a summer home" mentality. Grrrr... I am very discouraged right now. A friend told me that another woman was praying for me, a woman I have never met, and that this woman felt that I was surrounded by sorrow. I think I am surrounded by sorrow. Deep sorrow for a broken world that can't look up from it's selfish and self-centered ways. I know that I am selfish and self-centered at times, many times- but I try to be aware that I am, even though I am quite imperfect at walking out an unselfish life.

Well, it's time to get off my soap box. It's a big jump down. I haven't been blogging because I've been so busy THINKING- about life, about Jesus, about society, about being "green," about conflict resolution, about all those crazy costumes in Big River. My brain is TIRED. It HURTS. I am going to my uncomfy bed and try to sleep it OFF.

I am so thankful that His mercies are new everyday.

WE'RE GETTING A NEW BED!!!

2008-05-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

WHOO HOO! New bed! We bought a new bed! We tried on beds and we bought a new bed! We won't have it until next week, but we have a new bad! BYE BYE BAD OLD BED! WE GOT A NEW BED!!! Thank you tax rebate- we poured it back into the economy and we bought a NEW BED! Neither Marty nor I have ever bought a bed, but today, WE BOUGHT A NEW BED!!! There will be enough room for everyone including the cat, Marty won't toss and turn and bounce me in the night because WE'LL HAVE A NEW BED!!! He won't hit me in the head because he sleeps with his arm straight out because WE'LL HAVE A NEW BED!!! I am very excited. Can you tell? Did I mention WE'RE GETTING A NEW BED!!! Next Monday, our NEW BED will arrive. WHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

new bed
yay.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Sarah....

2008-05-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

I know. It's been many moons since I have blogged, and I suspect this one will be short. I just haven't felt like sharing all the kabillion things that have been going on, or I've been spending too much time doing the kabillion things...or I've been playing on Facebook, take your pick. : )

I loved my vacation- and would like another one. I got some sun and am currently peeling. (Delightful) I enjoyed meeting about 900 people (okay- more like 100- but it felt like 900, most of them cousins) I forgot how much I love Florida, particularly Pensacola. I liked hanging out with the Gordon clan. I am fascinated by Uncle Terry's house. Seriously, THREE houses FULL of massive amounts of antiques and "treasures." As a former "Merry Maid," it makes me shiver. And that doesn't include the rest of the "estate" that has a really beat up single wide (to be made into a playhouse...perhaps...never, it made Aunt Jody cry when it made an appearance) and another single wide that is actually livable, there is a full scale antique playground with all the equipment, a couple of full outbuildings, a swimming hole with a sunken boat and full of tires, a swimming hole that looks like you can swim in it- with a cool slide...It was a little overwhelming. I kept thinking, if they would purge and finish project and tidy up a bit- Country Living would be chomping at the bit to do a spread. But really, like Marty said, it's Florida- who needs 140 quilts?
I will share more about the trip as I feel inspired. But I had a great time and it was VERY difficult to come home.

It was probably so difficult because we really hit the ground running. I had to strike Doubt, we start dress rehearsals for Over the River tonight, and I am interviewing stitchers and interns and trying to design Big River (which is a logistical monster). I am wore out and need another vacation. I started back to work the day after we got home, and due to some church events and company, haven't really had any downtime since. The results of which- I have no idea what day it is at any given time. No sense of time whatsoever. Yikes. I do take momentary mental breaks. I read the New York Times business, opinion and style sections- I get depressed, so I go read the Go Fug Yourself website, which makes me feel like an unclassy american, and then I discovered this! http://www.kickette.com/index.php?/site/C30/ The KICKETTE website, which is British and devoted to "Footballers and their Wives and Girlfriends"- suddenly, I feel ever so classy. Wow. It's a hoot and a half. I don't even know who most of these folks are, but YIKES. It's a lesson in keeping priorities straight. And I have become convinced that the reason Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) looks so hacked off all the time is that she is probably hungry. Good heavens! Give that woman some french fries!

And on top of all this "stuff" that really does not matter in the grand scheme of eternity, God is working on some "stuff" that does matter in the grand scheme of eternity. Daily, I pray for balance and that I can learn what I need to learn and be in God's flow of what He is doing.
TTFN

Dream, dream, dream

2008-04-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

Someday, when I am in heaven, I intend to have a little chat about the whole dream thing. Last night- I had some CRAZY dreams. Most of them I can't remember, but one of them involves a little girl named Aria- daughter of friends of ours. Aria is 4-5ish. She is GORGEOUS. I love to look at this little girl, and it's not just because she is pretty- which she is, but there is something about her.... She has dark hair and eyes, she's feminine but not prissy. She seems to be very certain who she is- at least during the encounters I have had with her. She is very genuinely her- no airs, no self-consciousness- just wonderful, beautiful her.

So anyway- last night I have this dream about her. It's HILARIOUS. I am with her. For some reason, she is temporarily in my care. We are standing in a very crowded place with lots of people milling about, hence, I have her very firmly by the hand. We are standing about 10-15 feet away from some bathrooms. We stand there for a few minutes as several men enter the men's room. All of a sudden, Aria jerks away from me and starts booking it toward the men's room. I yell, "Aria! Wait!" But she runs on, very determined and yells back,

"I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM ABOUT JESUS!"

And then she disappears into the men's room.

I FREAK OUT. Seriously. FREAK OUT. In a split second, all of the following goes through my mind:
"OHMIGOSH! OHMIGOSH! She can't go in there! It's the men's room! She's LITTLE! There are A LOT OF GUYS in there! Their willies will be out! She can't see that! I need to go in there and get her! I can't- I can't see that! But it's more important she doesn't see that! What do I do? What do I do?"

Seriously freaking out. I look around, my husband is nowhere to be found- everyone is a stranger- then I see our friend Jeff way across the room and I yell,
"JEEEEFFFFFFF!!!"
Wisely, Jeff senses the panic in my eyes and voice, I point towards the men's room, "Aria is in there!" He heads in.

I wake up.

What the heck?

Let them walk.

2008-04-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

My friend, Jeff, said this in his latest blog entry...

"But none of those I care about belong to me, and they will walk as they will walk."

Boy, ain't that the truth. He was talking about seeing some healing starting to happen in some of his friends. And I just thought that simple statement holds a WHOLE BIG BUCKET LOAD OF TRUTH. But to add to it, we must trust that God loves those we care about and is even more concerned with their welfare than those of us who love them best. For as much as we have their health and well-being in mind, God has so much more love for them than we do. And He has time, and grace, and patience... all those things we seem to lack when we see our loved ones hurting. I know that I want to see those that hurt around me to be whole and healed- but all I can do is pray. And love. And I do those to the best of my imperfect ability. And then I have to trust Him to do the rest, and trust that He can work in those I love- which I do. Afterall, He worked wonders in me. I was SUCH a mess. Wow. Yikes. Hallelujah. : ) If He can do it in Paul, and He can do it in me......

Vacation...

2008-04-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

If you checked out my husband's blog, you know that we're only a week away from vacation. I really, really need it. Seriously. I woke up this morning and was so...agitated...I guess that's a good word, that I am amazed and extremely thankful for the grace of God that got me through the day. After weeks of doing "catch-up" work at work, now it's time to get a show up and we're a little behind schedule due to several things- coordinating schedules with the guest designer being a primary issue- but things are under way and all will be well. I need to get some work on Big River done before we leave and all sorts of other details at home and at work... Why is it that things always seem to get even crazier before a vacation? I feel like I have run out of steam. I need a change of location and pace, I think. I just pray we can get to Florida. We're flying American- 'nuff said.

I am trying to listen to God and figure out how to live my life with less stress. Most of my stress is work-related. I'm not sure how to deal with that- since nothing seems to change. We had a staff retreat last week and talked about respect and trust and all that good sort of stuff. It was a bit eye-opening for me. I realized I don't fully trust folks. I think it's because even if we discuss issues, nothing ever really seems to change. Little improvements- material improvements, are made over time- but the important stuff, relational issues and such- no change. So I guess it makes me feel like if we are "discussing issues" that it's just "talk," and what's the point? It just feels like we're going in circles, talking about the same issues over and over again- and some things are polarities- and will always be there- and that's fine. I can deal with that. But I'm tired of not feeling safe enough to talk about stuff that actually matters. I'm tired of "christianese" in all arenas. Surely, Jesus could have cut to the chase and would have been able to speak the truth in love. I feel like all we want is love, and not the truth. I know I'm not a fan when it's a truth I don't want to hear, my defenses go up...but then I realize it is TRUTH and I suck it up and deal and am usually a better person for it. I know there are tasks to be done and task people to do them, but here's the deal. ALL OF IT WILL COME TO PASS. People are the things that are eternal. Relationships are eternal. Stuff is stuff. I don't know- my brain is tired from keeping all the plates spinning. I need to let them crash. Sadly, I don't know that I can let them crash. Sigh. I guess I am just feeling fried and a little blue. And today is the month anniversary of Max's death. Marty is at band practice, preparing for a friend's birthday party tomorrow. I think I am a little lonely. I went for a lovely long walk this evening and enjoyed all the flowers, and got a little depressed at the fact it seems like we'll never be able to afford a home of our own. I just don't know what to do with myself this evening. Bummer.

7 days until vacation.

Ho hum.

2008-04-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

Well. What to say. Not much going on here. But I think that's okay. It's nice not going a kabillion miles an hour and have something happening EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY for a change.

We opened Doubt last week, it's getting great reviews, but not selling so hot. I think we'll see the trickle down effect of the economy at the theatre this year. I am also starting research for Big River and we'll start the next show (which has a guest designer) next week. I'm using the "down" time to catch up on projects I never have time to do around the shop- so far, I have purged wigs (thrilling) and patterns and have reorganized all the make-up and hair bobbery. Tomorrow, I am purging and reorganizing the craft shelf and maybe the fabric. WOW. I tell you, theatre is ALL about the GLAMOUR and the MONEY.

We saw Cabaret at the 5th this week. It was....very red. I enjoyed it- but I felt it was very surface-y in some ways- I felt it could have gone deeper, but I still enjoyed it. The "emcee" was a hoot!

I read the New York Times everyday online- about the economy, the presential race, the state of life, men's fashion, Patti Lupone on Broadway- and I really wonder...what the heck is going on? I feel like the world is going kablooey. But God is good all the time. And I am very certain that Patti totally ROCKS Mama Rose.

It's spring. It was a beautiful day today- I highly enjoyed my walk home and the daffodils are out, the tulips are starting...I just loooooovvvveeee flowers. I am very much looking forward to setting up "my room" on the porch when we get back from Florida. Of course, Marty is VERY welcome out there- but he's not good at tuning out the traffic. But I love to sit out there and Mickey loves to join me. So this year, I'll plant green beans, peppers, tomatoes and herbs. I have decided to do more flowers this year. Sadly, the obese mouse has returned and will have to be trapped, all the decorative cabbages had grown back and then we had a cold snap- and now, they are stalks. At least I won't feel bad getting rid of the cabbages now- I am a sucker for a comeback. The mouse will have to go before we plant the veggies though. I hate that- wish we could all live together in peace...but..... Anyhoo, when we get back from vacation, I will put out the indoor/outdoor carpet, the plants...it will be delightful. I just love to sit out there and read. I pretty much read the entire Harry Potter series out there last year. Don't know what I'll read this summer.

Other than that-I have been missing Max deeply lately. It's been hitting me hard- he'll be gone 3 weeks tomorrow- it feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. I guess it's really sinking in for me that he's really, truly gone. It sucks.

Lots going on at our church with all the changes and such. We're gearing up for Pentecost....I'm looking forward to it- I think something is going to shift- there will be a release, I hope, of God's spirit. People are hungry for it and God is faithful...we'll see how it goes.

I am looking forward to vacation. Hopefully, the weather will be nice. We plan to take a sunset dolphin cruise and do some shopping and chilling out at the beach! WHOO HOO!

Enough rambling for now. Life just goes on.....

Good Friday

2008-03-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it's true. God is good all the time. Even when your jeep breaks down and you have it towed. It's not raining. The mechanic fixes it in great time- and while it's a hit to the finances, I am thankful we had the finances to hit. It was a beautiful day. Dress rehearsal went well, there's a page of notes- but it's mostly my perfectionism that I actually have time to pursue. There have been a couple of answered prayer requests today as well. I'll keep those to myself as I am expecting more fruit to come.

The Max sized hole in my heart is still pretty huge. Bedtime is still very, very hard. Mickey stuck pretty much in Max's chair today. I know that he misses him too. Mickey is pretty social, and while he did indeed pick on Max, I am sure it was because Max was HIS baby. I am thankful that my heart can grieve, that it is not hardened by cynicism and life. I am thankful that while I can recognize that others have much bigger burdens to carry, that God knows that I am hurting and that matters to Him. I am trusting that Max is with Him, whatever that means. I can still cry for my baby and it's ok.

We visited the Stations of the Cross today at church- it was such a nice experience. The art was great and appropriate, the atmosphere was condusive to meditation and prayer. The music and lighting were great. I think God was pleased and pray that people were moved and blessed. I am happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm thankful that we got to go, considering we thought we might miss it with all the drama of the car. We missed the Taize service (I had to work) but I am sure that was fantastic too.

I was encouraged by one of the actors in Doubt. Her faith is amazing, her father-in-law unexpectedly died, her mom is sick and a whole bunch of other stuff is going on. The POOP has hit the fan, people! But still, she knows God is good. As do I. God is good. Even when the poop hits the fan. All the time. He is good.

One Week

2008-03-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's already been one week since we put Max to sleep. It's hard to believe, we still miss him so much. It was just this time last week that I was getting ready to take him to the vet, not knowing that he wouldn't be coming home. We're doing ok. It hits us at odd times, night time is brutal because we no longer have the routine of spending time with him and checking on him. Sometimes I still forget he's gone and will look to check on him in his chair. Grief sucks. Mickey is doing ok too. I think he's lonely. He didn't see me take Max, so Max just sort of disappeared. The first day or two, Mickey was all about being the center of attention, now, not so much. But I think he's adjusting as we all are.

On Monday, my WONDERFUL, AWESOME, BRILLIANT and TALENTED husband threw me a birthday party. All my wonderful and generous friends that could be there helped me celebrate turning 38 (how the heck did THAT happen?) I will be using my birthday money to buy a painting by Diane Culhane.

The rest of the week was quite normal- we're getting ready for dress rehearsals for Doubt that start tonight. It's pretty quiet. I'm sure I'll have notes, but I need to see everything on stage first. Today we'll go see the Stations of the Cross at church. We both have artwork in it. This weekend is Easter. I'll spend most of it working. I'll be sharing my thoughts at communion on Sunday and praying. I have been thinking about victory. What the victory of the cross means to us in this day and age of the economy going kablooey, the housing market looking like it's DEFINITELY built on sand and a presidential race that's a bit of a circus...I don't know- these thoughts just all bang around in my head. We'll see how they all come together.

We miss you, Max.

Happy Easter. He is risen, He is risen indeed.

Max

2008-03-14T22:10:00.001-07:00

Max is gone. As most of y'all know, he's been going down hill for over a year now. Chronic constipation and arthritis and the Lord only knows what. It's been terrible to watch my "kitten," who was still a kitten when he was 11-12 years old suddenly get very old. He's always been a baby. And like I have blogged before, he loved Marty- he was his baby too. So he started his usual routine of being constipated this week and we have been watching him. But something in my heart just shifted last night. I got up early this morning and spent 45 minutes of extra mommy time with him, and I am so glad I did. He purred and was content and he was so beautiful. I called the vet when I got to work and told her what was going on and we talked about doing x-rays and bloodwork and an enema (what feels like his kabillionth) and then I went and picked him up and took him in. It had not occurred to me in my conscious thoughts that I would put him to sleep today. But after a long discussion with our vet, we just decided enough was enough and it was time. I was so tired of watching him hurt and not be himself. So I called Marty and he came over, we signed the paperwork and stayed with him until he was asleep. We loved on him and told him how much we loved him- and then we let him go. We left the room when they gave him "the shot." We just couldn't handle that. IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!
I know this was the best decision for him. I am trusting that he goes back to God- whatever that means in animal land. I know he knew God- he always wanted to be picked up when I was praying and he loved to be prayed for. Creatures know their Creator.
I hate looking at his chair being empty. I walk into the living room and he's not there and I hate it. I know he wasn't himself for a long time, but he was there. Wanting "mommy time." I am not looking forward to going to bed for awhile- that's when we had "mommy time." Before I would go to bed I would pet him for awhile and we would have a lovefest. I don't think Marty is doing much better. We don't quite know what to do with ourselves today. We didn't expect to put him to sleep today- I think we knew it would be soon...but not today. And on my birthday weekend. Ouch. Mickey probably won't start to figure it out until tonight. Max would be gone all day to the vet for the enemas, but he'd be back at night. Part of me thinks I'll have to go get him soon. But he's gone. There's a hole in my heart. I know some people don't understand how people get attached to pets...but that's their problem. We loved our boy and will miss him terribly for a long time. I am going to trust God that I can get to a place when I can look back and celebrate his life. He was a good kitty. He had an amazing knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He love to give you "kisses" and would head-butt you when he was happy. He was shy. His meow always sounded like a baby's meow. He was 14 1/2 years old and I got him when he was a kitten. He was a huge blessing to me.

The Thrill, the glamour.....

2008-03-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

...that is my life. Truly, the paparazzi quake in their boots. Just kidding. So what's new? An elderly constipated cat (again) and work and art and church. Oh my.

It's been pretty quiet for me around Camp Taproot, for a change. In all honesty, I am not quite sure what to do with myself. So I am catching up on intern applications and weird little jobs around the shop. The next show is Doubt which is mostly rented from the Rep- so it's pretty easy. Which is DELIGHTFUL.

We took down my art show in West Seattle- no sales or anything-but I didn't really expect any. Now I am just working on my Stations of the Cross project for Good Friday. I have tossed 2 ideas SO FAR. Yikes. I think I had ideas that were too grand for the scale I am to work in, so, I am doing a Scrabble collage- which is fine, God always seems to show up in those collages.

I am still praying and seem to be doing pretty well in that area of my life. The depression does try and sneak back now and again, but not with the vengeance it did before. I am currently reading Captivating by the Eldredge's and it's quite an interesting read. It's a lot to think about. It's very intimidating to think of how much devil hates women....but then you think about how much God LOVES women...and there you go. Some interesting thoughts along the way...

-Eve was the last thing created- the pinnacle of creation

-Yep, she blew it BIG TIME, but in the original text, Adam was standing "elbow to elbow" with her, perhaps he could have said, "Uh, honey...I don't think you should eat that." But no, he just stood there. Like a lump. And ate the fruit. People are stupid. We do stupid things.

-As a result, the Curse. Men now have dominion over women...but this is a POST-fall development, they were equal beforehand. And I can't help thinking that if we're trying to restore things to as God intends....well, you fill in the blank. Suffice it to say, I think a lot of men are missing out if they don't allow women to be themselves in regards to God.

-God loves women. He loves the emotion and all the crazy stuff that makes men uncomfortable and want to back off. How sad. Women need their men, but men are scared they can't handle their women, so they back off and women feel alone (regardless of whether or not they are alone) and that nasty fear of abandonment that the devil likes to torture women with becomes this horrible cycle. You don't have to be physically alone to feel abandoned. I had no idea that this was a "woman-wide" issue. I thought it was just me being stupid and not having my crap together. But most women have to battle this. I used to have horrible dreams of Marty abandoning me- we call them the "Bad Marty" dreams- and the pain that is in my heart when they happen is undescribable. It's physical, it hurts so much. So many women, dealing with so much pain - from their childhood on...it's horrible. Things that parents or schoolmates said haunt us. I remember when I was in middle school, I got in big trouble about something and my mom said, "I love you , but I don't like you." I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember that- but I have felt that my mother doesn't like me for most of my life. Seventeen magazine tortured us- what 12 year old needs kissable lips and a complex because she's not a size negative 6? As adults, we are constantly bombarded with the supermodels, Oprah's and Martha Stewart's of the world telling us that we are not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, our house is not clean enough.....and then if you happen to go to church! Well, then you have to serve the church and pray and be all spiritual on top of all this other stuff. And there are plenty of Christian books to tell you how to be a "Godly woman." It makes me exhausted. We become spiritual "Martha's" who work and pray our tails off. And we are TIRED. I think about the Proverbs 31 superwoman and it makes me TIRED. Don't you think she was exhausted? Yikes. Life is hard enough without trying to be perfect. I for one, am totally guilty of trying to be perfect. I am tired. I just want to be me. Whatever the heck that means. I want to let it go and let Jesus free me and heal me from all the junk. So much junk- so many lies we buy into. My heart just hurts from it all.

GIZMOS.....ON!

2008-02-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

So I was watching Independence Day the other day. I love all those it's the end of the world kind of movies. And I was watching the part where the REALLY GEEKY guy was talking about the space ship down in the bowels of Area 51, and he's talking about how interesting it is because in the last 24 hours, all the gizmos have come on and started working.

That's how I feel. I feel like, after almost 3 years, all my spiritual "gizmos" have come back online. Halle-freakin'-lujah. Seriously. I have missed it. But I feel like I am praying with faith and purpose again. God has connected me to some people in my church that I feel like I can be authentic with my "spiritual weirdness," which is a huge relief. And I feel like God is really talking and I am in tune again. I feel like there is an assignment at hand. It's been a long time. He's been talking to me- showing me things along the way- two instances in particular in 2006-2007. But inside, I feel lit up again and it's GREAT. And I think the depression I battled for so long, was indeed, warfare. The devil is a booger. I don't know what the point of breakthrough was, I am just happy it happened. And I am praying at church again. And all the gizmos are going. I'm excited, but, dang skippy, I feel like we're in for a bumpy ride. Thank goodness I LOVE that kind of stuff. YYYEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWWWWW!

Surreal

2008-02-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

So, I don't know how many of you know, but I got my undergraduate degree at Northern Illinois University. It was a bit surreal when my parents called me last night to tell me about the shooting. I had classes both in Cole and DuSable halls when I was there. Of course, when I was there- we didn't really fear getting shot. We had our troubles and tradgedies. A dear friend of mine, who was a stage manager, was killed in a car accident during tech week of her show. The silence in the theatre and in the house and halls of the honors program was deafening. We mourned, and the show went on. But we didn't fear getting shot during class. How life has changed.

I guess it just means we must live our lives in such a way that we have no regrets. We must tell the people we love that we love them ALL THE TIME. We must live our lives in such a way, that we can lose it and stand before God without warning. I wonder how many of those 5 people who were killed were ready to die. It may sound morbid, but our lives are gifts. We must treasure them.

Lifecheck

2008-02-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks. We got As You Like It up and most folks seem to enjoy it. It's not selling great- but I think Shakespeare is a hard sell, people are afraid they'll not understand it. It certainly isn't a "no-brainer" to watch, you need to listen and pay attention. But hey- that sort of thing is good for your brain. So we got the show open, then I had to do a little "life" catch-up, cleaning, groceries....that sort of thing. Then we had Marty's birthday. On his birthday, I made him breakfast and we went to see Sweeney Todd (Good, but gory- FABULOUS clothes) and then to dinner at Olive Garden with friends. He seemed to have a good birthday.
On Tuesday evening, my friend Deanna arrived from North Carolina. We had a fun week catching up, hanging out, shopping, playing tourist.... We went to the SciFi Museum (my favorite museum in Seattle) and I restrained myself and only lit the Death Star twice. I don't know why I like doing that- it's just a big ball with a light and some music- but it's really FUN. On Friday, I threw a "surprise" party for Marty...only he wasn't that surprised. Apparently, he had seen a response in my email- but he thought that I couldn't pull it together since is was the Friday AFTER his birthday. So we put it together Friday afternoon while he was working in the studio and then he walked out and we were like...."surprise!" I totally hate lying. Even for something fun....especially to my husband, so I caved and told him the truth. It was fun and it was nice to have friends from all arenas there and getting to know each other and have a good time. Saturday, Deanna and I went to the show and did a little shopping. Sunday was church and lifegroup and then a "surprise" visit to some friends who have relocated here to the Pacific Northwest. They arranged a dinner with Deanna. I actually guessed who it was about 3 weeks ago- ha HA! So it turned out that I was RIGHT, and it was my dear friends Darren and LiEr who have been living in Singapore for the last 8 years. We had a lovely visit with them (LiEr is an AWESOME cook) and I am glad they are here. This morning, I got up before the butt crack of dawn to take Deanna to the airport for a very LONG day of travel for her. As I was up- I just came on in to work and it's been one thrill after another....laundry, wigs, repairs....oooh...the thrill, the glamour. So this week, we'll take it easy and recover from a busy couple of weeks. Marty and I are making art for the stations of the cross at church- so we need to get busy with that. And life goes on....

No clever title for this post....

2008-01-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

Just an update....

I am up to my eyeballs with As You Like It. It's not one of my favorite Shakespeare plays...I honestly prefer the tragedies. Othello is actually my favorite, with Hamlet running a close second. The show is going ok. It's a very big show for me. Lots of full changes and trying to keep track of wigs and facial hair and jewelry....all the frou that goes with the 1960's and 12 people playing 30ish characters. It looks fine. It just doesn't really excite me. Of course, these days, not much does. So life goes on. It's funny- I don't know if it's just because we're still in rehearsal or what- but it seems that things haven't gelled yet- or it could be I just don't like this play. While I am a fan of the Shakespearian tragedy- I have been known to laugh out loud at the comedies- and it just hasn't happened yet. We do have such a short rehearsal time now- I can't imagine having to capture all the nuance of Shakespeare in such a short space of time- kudos to the actors and director for going for it. So we'll see what it all ends up like. I really love well done Shakespeare. I saw a production of Othello when I was in grad school that had Campbell Scott as Iago- he was amazing. And his dark red leather doublet was to DIE for. I happen to be a fan of Shakespeare done in non-19th/20th century periods... There's just something about all the big-frou costumes that matches the language... The stories are timeless- but it's just more fun with big clothes. It makes everything so...epic. I like the histories too, I confess that when I saw Kenneth Branagh's Henry V- his rousing monologue made me want to kill the BAD french guys who killed all the British pages (oops- spoiler alert) which was VERY bad form for war in those days.... So that's my 2 cents for the day about Shakespeare. Good old Willy.

In other news- the battle with the depression continues. There are good days and bad days. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday- so we'll see what that turns up.

On Thursday- we take down Marty's art in West Seattle and put mine up. Because...why not mount an art show during tech? I am such a goober- I wasn't paying attention to the calendar when I said yes. I have one piece to finish and Marty will help me with all the labels and such- he's awesome and all will be well. If you want to check it out, it'll be at Hotwire West in West Seattle- the art walk is on Valentine's day.

We open AYLI on Friday and then...I will be taking the following week off. I will go in for meetings and that is IT. I've worked a lot of crazy hours- so I need a bit of time. Monday is Marty's birthday- we'll go out to dinner with friends. Tuesday, I'll clean the house and my dear friend Deanna is coming for a week- so it's nice I'll be able to take some time off to play. And then, back to normal. The next show for me is Doubt, which is a play that I really like AND I will be renting most of the costumes- so it should be relatively easy compared to the stretch of insanity that started last April. So that's the news and the update. Marty should be home soon from his first "Art Party"- hopefully it was a grand success- I look forward to hearing about it.
Th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks....

No, I haven't fallen off the planet...

2008-01-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

I am here. It's January, it's raining. Whoo hoo.

The holidays were an adventure- check out Marty's blog for all the gory details. Suffice it to say, while I was so happy to see family and friends, it was not a restful time for me and I was happy to come home. When we returned home, the boys were happy to see us and did well boarding at the vet (yay). I went back to work on Friday and by Friday night, felt like POOP. Yep, I caught the nasty cold going around and was pretty much useless for the whole weekend. I actually slept most of the weekend when we got home.

Since then, it's been hard to get back in the routine again. This time last year, I was also having a hard time. Things that make you go hmmmm. Work is busy- we're doing Shakespeare, As You Like It, with 12 people who change eighty kabillion times. So that's a bit of a challenge. We're setting it in the 1960's. For the record, I've watched some 60's movies for research (Easy Rider, Across the Universe) and I, for one, am thankful I was not a child of the 60's. I did not enjoy the "trips" at all. But we press on and I think the show's costumes will be fun.

At home, Christmas is, for the most part, put away. I still have to do a new Christmas Card list and I left the mistletoe up accidentally. This week, Marty was in the West Seattle Art Walk and did an online video interview for the West Seattle Herald (check out his blog to see it- it's pretty cool). He's such a stud. Tonight he's in the Ballard Art Walk. I tell you what, he's kicking butt and taking names. I am very happy for him. I really think that this year, he'll have to seriously consider being a business. He's sold something every month for the last 3-4 months. His little funny collages are selling like hotcakes- they're really a hoot. He cranked out 10 this week to take to Twilight- they needed more. Go, baby, go!

As for me, I am really battling some depression. I keep going because-well, what else are you gonna do? But nothing really excites me anymore and I just feel tired a lot and I don't really care about stuff...but I do care. I don't know. I just know that I've been battling it for a year or so, I am sick of it. Marty is sick of it. And I feel terrible because he has to put up with me and he tries to help- but nothing really does. I know that it's me that needs to change...but I don't know what to do or how to do it. I've been praying, but so far, nada. I am just not myself. I was really disturbed by some of the stuff I saw happening in my family when I went home and that has me down. I worry that I am failing Marty all the time and that has me down. I worry that I am failing God all the time and that has me down. And I just can't "fake it" anymore. I am due for a physical in February- so I will talk to my doctor then. In the meantime, I will keep on keepin' on- because I don't know what else to do. But for all you prayers out there- feel free to pray for me. Signing off for now, be patient with me.

Off to Christmas land!

2007-12-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

Well, the parties are done. We are now the proud owners of an action figure Moses (living in the dollhouse) and a Herman Munster bobblehead (living in the studio) from the White Elephant from Saturday. Today, we had the TTC staff party at the Edgewater (eggs benedict, yum) and now we can add a FABULOUS mexican cow bank and a projector that blows images up on the wall to our haul. All in all, the white elephants have been good to us this year. I am quite fond of the cow bank. I think I will name her Pamela....big udders.....

This afternoon is a senior matinee and then we are out of here!!! I'll spend this afternoon doing a bit of cleaning (I hate coming home from vacation to a dirty house) and finish packing. Tomorrow morning we'll pack the boys and take them to the vet (pray for them!) and then we are off to Iowa! Miraculously, all the presents fit in my suitcase- and it's clocking in at only about 45lbs! And there is a little bit of extra space! WOW. It looks like we'll have a white Christmas after all, and we now have proper footwear, so we are set! Marty will make his debut, I think he's nervous, but he'll be fabu! They're all "just folks"- so it'll be fun. We'll hang with my friend Susan (WAHOO!!! HERE WE COME!) and with family and friends that might as well be family...and Marty will get to enjoy the family tradition of M&M Bingo at the family Christmas do...He's not a Christmasy kinda guy, it will probably be a bit of a shock to his system. But everyone is down to earth and the food is great so there you go. Bob's your uncle. Actually, he's my uncle, and there are two of them...and a cousin....we're not very original with family names. Since I won't have access to the internet while we're gone so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

Party, party, party.

2007-12-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived Winterland. I have to say, for those of y'all who didn't see it- my husband was HOT as Mr. Granger- singing "Storm Comin'" in that white suit... yowza wow. I know he doesn't get it- all he can think about is the fat suit (since he lost all that weight) and thinking he looks like Colonel Sanders- but I tell you... we women know. There was so much authority with the white suit and the strength of the song and I tell you- my husband can SING! Grrrrrrrrr. I'm very proud.

Now we're in party grand central. It's just one holiday event after another until we leave for Iowa once week from today (Already? How the heck did that happen?) We had the cast party, we went to the show, tonight is the NWA party at our house, Saturday- a white elephant party, Sunday- our lifegroup celebration, Wednesday- the TTC party, 2 matinees and a partridge in a pear tree! Yikes. I have a wee bit more shopping to do, which I will finish this weekend. And then we are off! The midwest had a big ice storm, I am hoping it's all out of their system.

When we leave, we will board the boys at the vet. Max is still doing pretty well- I am a bit concerned to see how he handles being boarded- for those that pray- please pray for him. Mickey seems to have recovered pretty well from his kidney infection and is as fat and ornery and chatty and lovey as ever. The boys have taken to "worshipping" the space heater. There's a quilt on the floor one side and a box with a baby blanket on the other and both are usually occupied. I guess we have one more Christmas with them- even though we won't be here. We'll celebrate our family Christmas the night before we leave. So that's all the news that is fit to print. If I don't get to blog again, have a very merry Christmas, extend grace, love and enjoy your families and remember, Jesus is why.

Merry Christmas.

Update

2007-12-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well, Max seems to be rallying. He is responding to his "baby food soup." It's nice to see him more alert and he's even played a little, he even came running for treats- which we haven't seen him do in months. But it is more work. What to do. What to do. I'm glad my baby feels better.

I am TIRED. We are halfway through performances of Winterland- it seems to be going pretty well, the audiences love it. I find myself a bit frustrated with it technically. Light cues aren't there....people start singing or talking and their microphones aren't on- which to me is VERY frustrating because the audience misses some important stuff. I guess my standards are too high. It's been fun- but it's been a lot of work on top of a lot of work at work, and some pretty stressful personal life stuff as well- so I'll be happy when it's finished.

Now I am just working on trying to get Christmas together- I have one more present for Marty I need to get, and a trip to Trader Joe's should finish my shopping. Then it's a matter of getting it all to Iowa. Stupid airline weight limits- my mom suggested an extra suitcase, I suggested self-control on her part. OY. We may have to ship some stuff back from Iowa. Well, I guess that's all folks....more later when we have a life again.

Holding pattern...

2007-11-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

Dang skippy, we are TIRED. The play is coming along- and soon...will be over. Then, the tough decision time, I guess. Max continues much the same. Lots of medicine and liquids (now he's on baby food "soup"- 1/2 cup a day- bet he feels like his teeth are floating- poor guy) and still the hardest little poops in the world. Who knows. He still isn't his "old self." But he does purr and like attention a little, mostly, he just sleeps. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts- I know I can feel it- please continue- we need all the help we can get right now.

Max

2007-11-28T23:08:00.000-08:00

As many of you may or may not know.... Our kitties are 14 and 15 years old this year- and they are very geriatric. Mickey has IBD and is actually doing very well with his treatments- but Max- not so much. Max has been chronically constipated for the past several months and this morning, we took him to the vet for his umpteenth enema. But he has gotten very old, very quickly in the past 6-8 months- he's become frail and thin and not himself. He's become a loner, he doesn't play, or let Marty carry him like a baby or sit in my lap anymore.

Tonight, Max is home. We had a long chat with the vet this evening. We think is probably time to let him go. He is not rallying and is losing weight rapidly, which means there's an underlying issue. He usually does pretty well for a spell after an enema. The vet has informed us the next step to maintain and keep him going would probably require IV's of special fluids every other day- and we don't think anyone in our family would handle that well. Our life is crazy right now- work is busy and we have rehearsal on nights and weekends for the church play. The kitten has always had an amazing gift for bad timing. SO- we have decided, to actually wait until after the church play to make any for sure plans- just because it's just too much to deal with right now. We would also like for him to be at home when it's time to go. This, of course, is providing he doesn't take a turn for the worse. Tonight, he is happy to be home, has eaten some favorite food and is in a favorite chair resting. We appreciate any and all prayers. He has always been my "Baby"- he's always had a very kitten-like personality- right up until the past 6 months- for those of you who don't know- he's 14 years old and I got him when he was 4 months old. Most of my friends and family don't think he exists because he's so shy, he always hides- so when I came home one day- to find him sprawled and purring on Marty's lap when we were dating- I knew Marty was "the one." Also, for you intercessors, Max LOVES prayer. When I would pray in my kitchen when I was single, he would beg for me to pick him up and I would have to carry him around with me while I prayed. When Amy Ledford would come and pray, we would always know God was present because Max would lay on the ground (this from the invisible cat!) and purr. He still purrs when I pray for him, but not like he used to. I don't want my baby to suffer- this is probably one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. We would appreciate continued prayers for wisdom, grace and mercy.
Thanks very much

It's been insane...

2007-11-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

I did so enjoy a restful Thanksgiving weekend. I am so glad I did- because the poop has really hit the fan since. Highlights:

-The plumbers were supposed to reconfigure the plumbing for the new washer and dryer in the costume shop Monday morning at 9- several phone calls later, they showed up at 2 on Tuesday.

-The washer and dryer are scheduled to be delievered DURING the matinee today, which will be heard and I can't deal with the delivery guys because I am having to dress the show. Lowe's is giving me the runaround about rescheduling...outcome pending. ARRRGGG!!!

-Mickey slowed eating again, I'll pick up his appetite stimulants at some point today. Hopefully, they will work.
-I dropped Max off at the vet for yet another enema this morning...my boys are not known for good timing....and we are playing musical finances once again.

-I am trying to reorganize costume storage. It was a DISASTER. Seriously. So I did a major purge (About 15 lawn and garden bags worth to a school, homeless ministry and anyone else who would take anything) and I am trying to organize what is left in the midst of washer and dryer drama. I have only a week or two to get this done before As You Like It loads in....speaking of...

-I have to start designing As You Like It...and read the script.....by tomorrow.

-All this is going on in the midst of Winterland crunch time. We have rehearsal EVERY night. It's fun, and I think it's really starting to look like a play we'll be proud of, but it is A LOT of work. I am hot and sweaty by the end of rehearsal.

All this in the midst of holiday prep, which is actually on schedule- a few more gifts to buy, putting the cards together etc...then it's party! Party! Party!

I'll be so glad when January is here. But God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

We are rescheduling the washer and dryer to be delivered tomorrow. Thankfully, I had the wisdom to have the plumbers hook up the old washer and dryer.

Thanksgiving...

2007-11-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

During this very hectic time of year- with tech, rehearsals, more tech, more rehearsals....more tech, more rehearsals- all on top of everyday living, getting ready for the holidays etc, etc.-it's very easy for me to forget to be thankful. So I am writing down what I am thankful for- just to remind myself.....so here are the things that I am deeply thankful for...

-God loves me, Jesus died for me, Holy Spirit guides me....even when I am a booger. Grace is a beautiful thing.
-My husband. I am constantly amazed at how deep my love for him runs...it even haunts my dreams- this deep, deep love. I am so proud of him- his integrity, his creativity, his hutzpah... AND I even LIKE him- how awesome is that?
-My family.
-My friends, near and far, new and old...even if I am not the best at keeping up with them, I carry them in my heart.
-"The Boys"- I am thankful for every purr, every day, every morsel of food eaten- even though the constant medication wears me out at times. I shall miss them when they are gone.
-A roof over my head, clothing to wear and food to eat. Sometimes, I take the basics for granted, which is a shame, since many people don't have the basics. We have the basics, and then some...actually- we have quite a bit more.
-A job that pays the bills and a place where I can express my creativity. This has been a hard one for me this year, for a number of reasons- but I am VERY thankful, nonetheless.
-Creativity- the ability and the means to be able to create and play.
-My church family- and my church- these are just great folks to have in your life. I am so thankful for all of them.
-Laughter. I don't know what we'd do with out it.
-Nature- proof of God's existence- big, small- there is beauty everywhere.

Thanksgiving. Don't leave home without it.

My baby boy, Mickey....

2007-11-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

...kind of quit eating last week. Oh sure, he'll eat as many treats as we can manage to stuff in him and will nibble at his food- but he's not really eating. He's dropped a pound in about a week. This strikes great fear into my heart. At some point, his meds for his IBD will stop working. I am praying this is not that time...but I know it's coming. The thing is- the little stinker doesn't act sick! He's all perky and happy and clingy and lovey. At least with Max, we can tell when he's not feeling good. I will hear the results of Mickey's blood test tomorrow and hopefully, we'll see what is up. I just hate to think of losing them- it's hard to believe I have had these kitties for 14 years...15 in February. I've had them pretty much my whole adult life, they have lived in 7 apartments/houses and 4 states. They drove across the country with me. They have outlasted countless boyfriends, 2 fiancees and ADORE the daddy they finally ended up with. I knew Marty was "the one" when I came home one day to find Max, the cat that most of my friends and family doesn't think exists because they have never seen him, sprawled and purring in Marty's lap. Mickey has enough personality for 9 kitties...seriously. He talks ALL THE FREAKING TIME...he carries his "baby," a grey hamburger shaped thing that I think is a mouse, around in his mouth while he is talking. He talks with his mouth full. It's hilarious. He sits on Marty's arm while he's at the computer. He'll sit with me and look adoringly and longingly at me...he's totally in love with his mommy. He has to sit at the dinner table with us, or else he will end up ON the table. He's very tough- he actually had to go to the vet a couple of weeks ago to get his matted hair shaved and was growling at the vet under sedation! That's my boy! And he was my constant companion as I spent many a happy hour this summer reading on the balcony. He likes being outside as much as I do.
I know that I will miss him like crazy. I am thankful to wake up each day to find I have one more day with my beloved feline companions. I actually pray that they will just one day go to sleep and not wake up- that they would go in peace. I just hope that these, their last days, are good ones and that they know how much they are loved. I just hope I have the strength to make potentially difficult decisions... they have been through so much this year, I don't know how much more they can handle. I don't know how much more we can handle. But they have been the biggest blessing to me while I have had them. They have kept the "lonelies" at bay.

Being Better

2007-10-23T21:26:00.001-07:00

So I just read these two books this evening- For Women Only and For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn...they were very illuminating. I am a bit skeptical of "relationship" books- because everyone thinks they are the world's leading authority. Like the guy who just got married telling me why he kissed dating goodbye... whatever.... But I found these books very helpful. I didn't have any earth shattering revelations, but there were good reminders and some very practical "how to do this" kind of things. For instance, if you are clued in to any sort of Christian marriage counseling blah-bitty-blah...we all know men need to feel respected over feeling loved- heck, the BIBLE says that....but what does that MEAN???? ARRRRGGGG!!! HOW DO I DO THAT???? Believe me, after almost 2 years of marriage- I personally feel like I have no idea how to be a good wife. My friends tell me that this is normal- my frustrations and inability to communicate. That's comforting... I think.

My mother (whom I adore and admire for many reasons) like her mother before her and so on and so on...nagged to get things done. I don't want to do that- I don't want to be that way- I don't think it's particularly effective and it makes everyone miserable along the way. SO what do I do? I hide. And I do that at work too- I stuff it all down and then eventually it explodes and my poor husband is like "WHAT THE HECK?" But I think he would find the tips in For Men Only very helpful in dealing with me in those situations. (BIG HINT HERE) It was quite astonishing to find that I am not as unique as I think I am. : ) And comforting as well.

I think any man would benefit from reading For Men Only as it translates "woman-ese" quite well, in my opinion...it's bang on the money. And Jeff writes with great humor. I found the For Women Only beneficial as well, and I hope Marty does too. I went to a wedding this summer where the pastor talked about how marriage is all about two people who think they are totally alike trying to live together after they find out they are not- and there was so much truth for that. But I rejoice in the differences (most of the time) but I am NOT, by any stretch of the imagination, the world's leading authority on marriage...I wish I were, for my husband. Because he TOTALLY deserves the wife of his dreams and I want to be that. I want him to be proud and want to show me off and think I am the best thing since sliced bread...BECAUSE I love him so much and am soooo very, very proud of him and his talent and his art...and I appreciate how he helps around the house and I just think he's really cute, uh, I mean he's a big 'ol GRIZZLY OF LOVE. I meant my vows when I said them (although, it's all a bit of a blur now) so I really want my marriage to be AMAZING and AWESOME- but that takes work...I think it's totally worth it. I think Marty is totally worth doing whatever I can to be a great wife. I just hope I succeed more than I fail.

Doing Better

2007-10-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all those praying types out there. I am feeling better and a little less overwhelmed. Thanks also to good friends who kick you in the tush and remind you what is what (Susan, Cassie) I am doing a little better. Tomorrow will be a "Shopping Day" so not as hard at work and I am taking Friday off...well...for the most part. I have to take the cat to the vet and go discuss Christmas musical costumes at night. I am really seeking God to order my days. I don't know that it's really working yet- but I ask Him every morning.

I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. But it won't really be home. Mom and Dad have the new condo- which I am sure will be fun and all...but I really would have loved to have taken Marty home. We'll spend time with my family and we'll take a trip up to Galena and visit the old haunts. I am hoping for a white Christmas- but not during travel time. I am looking forward to seeing my family- I haven't seen most of them in about 5 or 6 years. Many of my cousins have children I have never clapped eyes on. Several children. Wow. I can't wait to see Susan and raise a little "heck," of course, we're old and it won't be like the old days- lifecheck anyone? No smuggling 3 course dinners into the movies or anything...and that's just what is repeatable. : ) But true friends feel like they've never been apart, I notice. I am a little concerned about leaving the kitties in their old and fragile states...but I will have to trust God on that one. I'm not sure what to do about Christmas shopping this year- we've sorted out with Marty's family that we'll use what money we would spend on Christmas to have fun when we're on vacation in April....and that's totally cool with me. My parents...well, their love language is gifts- but we're trying to get them to reign it in since we have to bring stuff back. And I'm trying to decide if I should just do shopping there... I already know what I'm getting Marty. Hee, hee, hee.

Ahhh...October through December...the holidays. We've already had a couple offers for Thanksgiving- don't know what we're doing yet. We've also had an offer for a "Get-drunk-and-decorate-the-tree" party after Thanksgiving that I think sounds quite fun.... I guess they don't hang the breakable ornaments that day. I really like this time of year- it's like there is always some tangible thing to look forward to. First, we have Trunk-or-Treat at church- and I enjoy that. Then there's Thanksgiving- and I have to say, sitting around a table and eating and talking with people you like and love is just about one of my favorite things in the whole wide world. And Christmas- more of the same...a big birthday bash for Jesus! AND you get to decorate your house!!! Dress it up!!! I LOVE that!! My poor husband.... I don't think he understands how much fun I have dressing up the house. I dress up people for a living- I think houses are as much fun. But I love this time of year. The leaves are gorgeous- in spite of all the rain- God's beauty is all around. It just feels like it's time to light the fire, gather up some loved ones, have some hot chocolate and oatmeal cookies, cuddle up and hunker down...all in a well decorated house.

Weary

2007-10-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am weary. Everything is ok. But dang skippy, I am DOG TIRED. Or should that be DAWG tired? I don't know. There is a lot going on in my world- and I feel overwhelmed and like I can't keep up. I've had 2 days "off" in the past 4-5 weeks and one of those was spent on the couch with a cold. Day and night I go, go, go, go.... I know I need to stop...I don't know how.

At work, we have a shortened build for the Christmas show- that combined with a lack of help...well, there you go. On weekends, I am in rehearsal....what weekend? What sabbath? And now- with my husband's art taking off (YOU GO, BABY! I am SOOOO PROUD!!!) there are openings and hangings and receptions- and I just can't keep up with it all...and that doesn't include- grocery shopping, paying bills, geriatric kitty care, house cleaning, preparing for trunk-or-treat...praying, praying, praying.....THERE IS SO MUCH TO PRAY FOR!!! And I just don't feel like I have the time or the energy.

There is drama at Taproot- it's just been a rough year. I am having "issues" that I need to pray through- try to figure out how to maintain my integrity, be Christ-like in my behavior (as much as I am capable of, at least) and not get walked all over.... They've hired 3 more people in the administrative offices... and after a year of hearing "We need to get production some help, we need to get production some help..." I confess- I am having some forgiveness and trust issues at the moment. I want to scream, to be honest. I mean- what is going to take? Letting a production go completely to crap? Seriously. I don't know that I can not do my best- I am not wired that way- so suffice it to say- THAT is creating some serious inner tension in my world and I'm not quite sure what to do with all of it at the moment.... and then.....

If you read Marty's blog- you know all about the letters, the whisperings, the gossip (from which we were thankfully excluded) about our church leadership. And today- Milt announced he was leaving. I could just feel all the emotion in the congregation and I couldn't help but cry (it sucks being an intercessor sometimes, well, not really) It's going to be hard...but I know on the other side- it'll be brilliant. I know it- because even though we were out of the loop- that's what God has been showing me about church for awhile- about last fall, I sensed that BIG BIG changes were coming- like the HANG ON TO YOUR BRITCHES kind of changes.... I felt that our good friend, Jeff Berryman- seriously needed to hold onto his britches- because of those changes...and now he's the interim preaching pastor. Well, color me shocked and surprised. In the practical- I had no idea how what God had shown me was happening in the spiritual would manifest- and it's all terribly interesting to watch- and still requires a great deal of prayer. I have been through hard times at church before. Some were handled well, some...not so much. I can't say it's something I enjoy. But I truly believe that God causes ALL things to work together for good- not some things, ALL things. He has been faithful. I hang on to that. And I do trust Him.

But I am tired. I am bone weary. I am emotionally worn out. I see no relief in sight.

That doesn't mean good things aren't happening. They are. That doesn't mean I am miserable. I'm not. I am just TIRED. And I am praying that God would refresh me and grant me the strength to keep going- because if He doesn't, I dunno.... I just don't know. I am forgetting stuff because there is so much going on in my head. I don't feel light burdens right now-which means I am probably doing something wrong, but I can't figure it out to fix it.... I would love a day off, but I can't figure out when to take it- there are meetings and fittings and matinees.... at home, there is grocery shopping, and cleaning, and vet appointments and I have to be out 3 nights this week...it just doesn't end. I know, whine, whine, whine...but you keep that up too long- you get burned out. My question is this...
What happens when you burn out and you have to keep going?

The show, the zoo, the trip to Iowa...

2007-09-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

I am coming up for air!!! The Importance of Being Earnest opened to a full, laughing and apparently happy house last night. I went for the reception- to eat yummy food and receive accolades..."Yes, I designed the costumes. Yes, thank you. Thank you. We're just so happy they are finished. Yes, the actors look beautiful. No, that isn't a real bird on Lady Bracknell's hat. But thank you, yes, thank you." Can't say I minded the "love" after a quite gruelling build- and I tried to make sure the stitchers and dresser felt it too. They all worked their tushies off. And aside from a few well hidden "fitting" issues, it's a show I am truly proud of. And the hats are FANTASTIC, if I do say so myself, and I do. I had such a good time designing and making them. The last time I made a fabulous hat for Taproot, it got cut because it was TOO pretty. Ack.

So now, I am just trying to catch up with life, pay bills, take the cats to the vet, the husband to the doctor, clean the house, grocery shop, learn my music for the Christmas musical... that sort of thing. I have a few things at work to catch up on as well. Earnest was very all-consuming. On Wednesday, I am teaching a costume workshop to the Seattle Yacht Club drama club...seriously. But it'll help pay for the tickets to Iowa we just bought. We'll be going for Christmas and Marty will get to participate in the annual Bingo game marathon. It's kind of a hoot. I honestly can't remember the last time I went "home." 5 years? Of course, my parents have a spiffy new "retirement condo" so it really isn't "home." But I am hoping we'll make it up to Galena for a visit. And I KNOW we are going to see Susan and Darin- come hell or highwater. I need to see my friend!! There are others I hope I'll get to see as well- but it's the holidays- so it's always a nuthouse, isn't it? Now we'll need to figure out care for the boys. It's so complicated now- but we'll work it out.

Today I went to the zoo. Tomorrow our pass expires and Marty had to work today- so I went by myself. I had fun, took lots of bad pictures- my husband is definitely a better photographer. The jaguar was pacing very close to the glass- it's quite something to have your face a mere 10 inches from that of an agitated male jaguar- I think he was agitated because he couldn't get to all the toddlers otherwise known as "snacks" watching him. He was quite a handsome fellow. It was nice because it was cool so all the animals were active...except the sloth bear... which is unusual as they're usually quite busy and fun to watch. One sloth bear was sleeping with his tongue hanging out- pretty funny. One of the male gorillas seriously was posing for pictures- it was quite hilarious. I also saw the new tiger "cub"- yeah, right- 150 lb. "cub." He was playing with a ball- he's still just a really big kitten. All in all it was enjoyable- but it was amazing all the weird looks I got for being there alone- no husband, no kids. Whatever.

So that's all the exciting news. You'll have to check out Marty's blog for all the news on art shows and the dog modeling contest we emceed. I screwed up saying "Seamus"- I was VERY tired. I think "Booboo La Roo" was my favorite name though..... I am currently losing the battle with a cold that's been going around- can't say I'm surprised- living on Diet Coke and chocolate while working 15 hour days can't be good for your immune system. Well, that's all for now.
TTFN.

Confession time!

2007-09-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

Confession time. Yikes.

I feel like I've had such a negative attitude about everything lately. Lately being the last few months. I can hardly stand to be around myself. It's like everytime I say something, it's something that tears someone or something down- and while at times it may be legitimate (you know what I mean) I just can't stand it anymore. It's like I just can't help myself. Negative. Negative. Negative. Gripe. Moan. Complain. Whine. Whine. Whine. I AM AT MY WITS END. I'd appreciate some prayer for this- I know I'M praying. But it's like, "Father forgive me, help me not to be negative and say negative things" and then BOOM! The next thing out of my mouth....

I don't know what the cause is- probably stress- vet bills, tight finances, work issues, lack of affirmation, been a tough year, etc. etc..... but I feel like I complain all the stinkin' time and I am SICK OF IT!!! Gosh. Holy Schmackers- enough is enough! Ah. There it is, out in the open. Muhahaha- take that devil! Now you're DOOMED. Stupid sin. Wish I wasn't so good at it. Father, forgive me. Friends, forgive me.

No, I haven't dropped off the planet....

2007-08-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

....but I have been up to my eyeballs at work. We are currently building "The Importance of Being Earnest" and it's crazy. We are building all six women's outfits- all turn of the century. So far, 3 are finished and bits are started on others. They are quite beautiful, if I do say so myself...and I do. I have a great team of stitchers and interns working their tails off- and it definitely shows. I have built 2 hats that are quite extraordinary as well. I have been praying over this production since January- and I think it is paying off. Oscar Wilde would be proud. He was all about pretty people, pretty things and beauty. Well, thus far, there are a lot of pretty things on pretty people and it's all quite beautiful. I probably won't come up for air until October, so don't be alarmed....

In other news- both cats seem to be doing well, this week it will have been a whole month since we have taken Max to the vet. HUZZAH! And Mickey continues to be fat and sassy. Now, we just need to get all the knots out of their fur. Grrr. We will FINALLY close Joseph this week- it feels like the show that has run FOREVER. I survived Christmas musical auditions- I even sang...oddly enough, I didn't get a major singing role...hmmmmm.... BUT my husband did- he will be the VILLAIN....muhahaha....SWEET. If you are in this time zone, y'all need to come and check it out. That's about all the news for now...I will reboot in October...be well!

While the noodles are cooking...

2007-07-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

I am making lasagna today for company tomorrow. It's not hard, but it's a bit spendy and time consuming- so it's definitely a treat. People loooooovvveee my lasagna. I don't know what I do different- but there you go.

I've had most of this week off and it's been lovely. I've spent much of my time off sitting on the balcony reading Harry Potter with Mickey in my lap. It's been awesome. As I've never read the books, I figured it's time I found out what all the hullabaloo is about. So I started book one on Sunday night. I'll start book four today. Marty gets frustrated that I can read so fast- but I love reading- and as a kid, that's pretty much what I did. Devoured books. I'm enjoying Harry so far. My goal is to read right through to the end.

This week I also did some shopping and have been working on a couple of designs for a television pilot. I have no idea what the pilot is- a friend asked me to do it. So I've spent some time hunting patterns and swatches and I'll scan and email the sketches today. I'm not building these costumes- so it takes a little more work and research so they can be handed off for someone else to build. But the money is good and we need it for plane tickets for Christmas.
We also emceed the Greenwood Seafair parade (see Marty's blog for details) again- and once again, the pirates were a bit boring. Sigh. And I was ready for them, had the super-soaker loaded and ready to go. Oh well. We also went to a reading of the Christmas Musical for church- it was quite delightful. Makes me wish I could sing. I loved the character I read. We'll see how auditions go. I'm thinking of singing "The wheels on the bus" since it is one of the few songs I am used to singing in public (well, that is, if you count my former kindergartners as "public") I don't know that I have the "stuff" to be able to pull it off. But what's a little public humiliation amongst loved ones? I also mailed my mom's birthday stuff off. Hard to believe she'll be 68- I don't feel old until I realize how old my folks are...and I certainly don't think of them as old. They cruise in their 40's in my brain.

So all in all, a much needed relaxing week. The noodles are cooked, I am off to layer some lasagna.

And the beat goes on...

2007-07-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Joseph is up and running!!! Huzzah. Every year, there is one booger of a show- and this was it! But it's up, it's running- and for the most part, I am through with it. Well...other than trying to rescue the Pharoah's cape which was accidentally placed on the fog machine...and got covered in greasy fog juice. Ew. It was very upsetting, the pharoah's cape was my baby and it took me many, many hours to hand paint it and there's no time or money to replace it. But thanks to some soaking in dish soap, the fog juice came out! Yay! Handy tip for any kind of food or grease stain- spot clean it with dish soap- that's what it's made for!!
So now...we're already into Earnest. The photo shoot is on Monday night, and then I am taking the rest of next week off to rest before the build really ramps up.

In other news, Max has been back to the vet...again. Nothing seems to be wrong- but he did get his bottom shaved and looks a bit like a baboon. Sigh. Welcome to Gordon's Nursing Home for Geriatric Kitties. Currently in residence are "Poodle Paw" who is doing well on his chemo, and "Monkey Butt" who has to be coaxed to eat, but seems to be doing better. The joys of old age and empty pockets.

I haven't waxed spiritual as of late....probably because I feel like I've just been trying to survive and get things done at work and at home. I have prayed and done a little reading- but there have been no great revelations as of late. I think I could do with one, are You listening, God? I've been enjoying Philip Yancey's Soul Survivor and reading about the people who inspired his faith. I really enjoyed reading about Martin Luther King Jr. It blows my mind to think that not so long ago, in our own country- racism was socially acceptable. It really grieves my heart. I know it still exists today-although it may have morphed a bit, but it's just horrible to think that people actually believe that other people, who are God's creation, have less value than they do. It's really a foreign concept to me. I am thankful for that. Although, I confess- there are deep cultural predjudices in me that I constantly have to fight and to be aware of to fight- and that makes me sad as well. Martin Luther King Jr. was an amazing guy. I am hoping to read more of his own work. The chapter on G.K. Chesterton was very fun as well- he sounds like he was a hoot. I am hoping to read some of his work as well. So much reading, so little time. Perhaps that is what I'll do on my week off.

Right now I am reading The Golden Compass, because a) the trailer for the movie looks really cool and b) I am intrigued by what is going on with the book. My friend, Jeff, read it and made some interesting observations about how much the author really hates the church and is blatant about it. He said that people were all atwitter about Harry Potter when really, THIS is the set of books to watch out for. So I am intrigued- so far, I'm about 1/3 of the way through it- and haven't seen too much blatant hatred of the church- but it's a good story and very well told. We'll see how it goes. As for Harry Potter...well. I read fiction books about witchcraft when I was a child, I was interested enough to look a little deeper (gasp!) and discovered that witchcraft is spendy, stupid and a lot more work than just waving a wand around! So why bother? And then I tried New Age, a lot of which seemed just plain silly. I worked for a woman who thought she was a reincarnated mayan priest. Have you noticed that everyone who is reincarnated is someone important? There's no "In a past life, I was Joe the poop shoveler." Crazy. But, there's a lot of good counterfeit spirituality in New Age- the people who believe that are some of the most loving people I know. They are some of the most spiritual people I know- they all want to tap into something we all want and crave- something spiritual and supernatural. I think we're wired to desire that. I think that's what I wanted as a kid, I KNOW that's what I wanted as a kid. I wanted to see God. I wanted to talk with Him- for real. I wanted to know His power and supernaturalness. Thankfully, I believe that God wants to show us His supernatural. I really wish more of it would appear in my world now. I miss it. I know He is SUPERNATURAL- and that's one of the things I really love about God- I mean all Satan's crap is just that, counterfeit crap- so why bother when you can have the real deal?

Ok. So I guess that's waxing spiritual.

As for Harry Potter: haven't read the books, enjoyed the movies, wouldn't let small kids near him with a 10 foot pole (too scary and dark) and would let tweens and teens with a discussion. My two cents. Ta da.
Well, it's time for bed and I am looking forward to diving back into The Golden Compass. Good night.

2007-07-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been quite a week- we can see the light at the end of the tunnel for the dress rehearsals of Joseph...and it's been a looonnnnnggg tunnel. But the costumes are lovely and all will be well in the world. I am ready to be done and ready for a break that won't come for another week or so...I am pooped. And my brain is pooped.

Speaking of poop- it's been a week. My cousin, Stephanie- who is my age, lost her left hand the night before last in a freak accident at her job at Chrysler. She is left-handed. I can't even imagine. My mom talked with her yesterday- and she is on some BIG juju drugs- she kept giggling and telling mom it would be ok. And it will be, but it will be hard. They reattached her hand but there is no telling when we'll know if she will regain use of it. She and her husband have 5 kids between them- the eldest is about 20- how crazy is that? She had him when we were 17. Wow. So for all y'all praying types- prayer for them would be appreciated.

Other poop- Max couldn't poop. Bless his heart- so there's an unexpected $100 trip to the vet for an enema and a shot to re-hydrate him. He's got some GREAT timing. Poor guy. This is the 3rd time he's been severly constipated, he just shuts down. But he's had some water and eaten today- so he seems to be doing ok. Tomorrow Mickey goes in for a blood test and Thursday will start round 3 of chemo. This is why I have no disposable income.

And just for grins, our closet collapsed this morning. I was outside watering the plants so they wouldn't wilt in the heat of the hot day and couldn't hear Marty yelling for help. It's just been one of those weeks. I am sure my blood pressure is up. Hopefully, things will wind down in a day or two and life will resume being normal. There is always one booger of a show every year- and Joseph seems to be it. But it opens on Friday and there you go. Hallelujah! Well, it's invited dress tonight- I'd better go double check that everyone looks purty.

La, la, la....

2007-06-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well, this is just a friendly update. Things for Joseph are still a bit bonkers and I'll have to work every night this coming week (except for the 4th) and all nights next week as well. The joy of tech. Then I have a week (wow, really? A WHOLE week? Jump back Loretta) to put together the photo shoot for Earnest, and of course, we don't have anything in stock that I really like. So I'll be a busy little bee for awhile. After the photo shoot, I am hoping to take most of that week off to recover and rest before the build for Earnest begins and the Road Company starts. Golly- time sure flies in the summer. Things are going pretty well in the costume shop- we have some great interns and some great folks working there. All the "issues" we have had come from outside sources that we have no control over (Tuxedo shop, FedEx) and life goes on.

On the home front- not too much going on. Marty's art continues to gain momentum- and I pray that continues. I also pray that he can sell a couple of pieces to offset the cost of framing the stuff he needs to frame for upcoming shows. The initial investment for this stuff is spendy. I've put "redecorating" on hold because of new tires, vet bills and plane tickets to Iowa for Christmas. Sometimes it really sucks being a grown-up.

Today we have a big trip planned to go to Walmart!!! Oooh. The thrill, the glamour. The nicest Walmart we've found in the greater Seattle metroplex is about 40 minutes north in Everett. It's worth the trip- we don't shop there much- but there are some medicinal type things that Marty uses that are really cheap up there- so there you go. We'll also go to Michael's (I'm making christmas ornaments again this year and need supplies) and Barnes and Noble. We'll also hopefully have dinner with our friends, Joan and Marshall. A fun trip I think. In spite of Walmart.

This morning I spent some time in worship and prayer. It was really nice- I need to make it more of a priority. I just like hanging out with God. I did some praying for an upcoming arts-oriented service at our church. Our church is very "rational" in their approach to God- and we're (I'm?) hoping for some irrational breakthrough. I am hoping that service will help people experience the presence of God in a tangible way that they can trust and that they know is real- and they know that God is a God of emotion as well. I know emotions can be unstable and untrustworthy- but God created them -they were His idea and life would sure be dull without them. We had our arts meeting last night to discuss all this stuff. It's terribly deep. But I think we sounded like a bunch of rational people trying to sort out something that is not rational. Beauty is not rational. The blue of the sky, the beauty of leaves blowing in the breeze, the way a certain chord in music causes tears to well up in your eyes, the way a movie takes you out of yourself... these are things that we have trouble describing- how can we approach it rationally? In the words of Nike- I think we just need to JUST DO IT. Now what that means- well, who knows? God does. So I prayed He'd help us all and help Jeff, who is preaching, and that He would help the congregation- who are about to be stretched. It's amazing to me that God can prepare people beforehand to receive something in the future. To know that He is now softening hearts to receive and be touched and changed by something in the future that we are going to participate in- even when we don't know what that is- is an amazing thing. Well, my husband is home. I guess it's time for the fun to begin! Whoo hoo.

How I am.

2007-06-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me, "How are you?" today and I didn't know how to answer them. I guess I am ok. I have A LOT going on. Joseph is proving to be a challenging show on many levels, and yet, things seem to be going well... I guess. There have been some serious dramas with the tuxedos we're supposed to get for the band, we don't know who is playing who, do they need to change, do they have time to change and where will they change. I am not the designer- and I feel like I am a giant go-between for all these crazy working parts- which is what I am. I feel like I am having to be more "managerial" in my job- and I am still adjusting to that and am not sure how I feel about it. I miss making things and sometimes it really is faster and easier to do something yourself than it is to have to set it up for someone else to do. And I am having trouble finding time to start designing Earnest and be an artist- I am going to take a day tomorrow and just do it.

There is also a lot of internal goofiness happening at work. I see God's hand in all of it, but I can see how some people would not. There's a lot of internal strife, healing and people "stuff" going on. We are smack in the middle of the refiner's fire, and it's not pretty. It's ok. It really is. But it is not fun to go through. I find it astonishing how God is growing individuals and pushing them to places they aren't comfortable and he's working in so many people at the same time and it's all working towards His unified purpose for the company. It's really amazing. And I feel really blessed that I can see that- or I think I would be really discouraged. And I wonder- what is He working in me? I can't see or feel it- but I hope something is happening.

I am trying to learn not to be so busy. I don't really know how. But yet, I don't feel busy. But I do feel busy. I guess I feel busy, but I don't feel like I am seeing any fruit from all the busy- I guess that's how I feel. So- how am I? I am lost. I am busy. I am ok. I am watching God do His thing. I don't really know how I am.

Waiting for strike...

2007-06-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Yep. Seven Keys to Baldpate is mere minutes away from finally being over. The next couple hours will be filled with sorting laundry, restocking, spraying Lysol in shoes, doing laundry and cleaning dressing rooms. Ahhh....the glamour.

It's been a long day- we had fittings for Joseph earlier and later in the day, so I'll have been here since lunchtime. My work schedule will be quite wacky for awhile. Life goes on.

In other news, I desperately want to redecorate the house. Sadly, my finances do not support my vision. I am creative so I'll be able to change a few things- I finished curtains for the the living room this evening. More thrill, more glamour.

Mickey update- as of last week, he weighed almost 10 POUNDS!!! HUZZAH!!! He's responding to his medication and gaining weight. We've been letting he and Max out on the balcony when we're out there or I'm in the kitchen and can watch them. Max thinks it's fine, but Mickey looovvves it out there. He REALLY loves it if his mama comes and hangs out there with him- he's in hog heaven. Since I don't really know how long we'll have him (The vet figures about 2 years before he builds a resistance to drugs) I don't mind a bit. He turned 15 last week. Amazing. Well, the curtain call is over, the actors are running down the stairs...time to get to work.

Got the Blah's today....

2007-06-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

Yep. A bad case of the blahs. We had another matinee today- and then it was a scramble to get the drycleaning in. The good news is we're doing lots of student matinees- the bad news is having so many matinees makes it hard to get the drycleaning done. Tonight is 1st rehearsal for Joseph and I'll finally see the costume sketches to see what lays before us. It's a big show, no way around that- but I don't think it'll be too bad- we have a good designer who knows what she's doing. The grind continues....
As I was driving back from the drycleaner, I just felt...blah. All the stress and busy-ness and too much going on that we dealt with before the trip seems to be falling back into place- and I really don't want it to. Suddenly- there are 3 things going on Sunday and Marty's working a billion hours and I will probably be working a billion hours and it all seems so endless. And I feel a bit like a hamster in a wheel and I have to wonder- why are we doing this? Is this what we're supposed to be doing? Is this what God is calling us to? We have a good life. We have enough money to pay our bills and buy food and have savings and a bit of frivolity as well. We have a lovely apartment and a stable place to work that is in my field (at least). Marty's art is taking off. We're slowly making friends- but it's hard. We live in one of the most gorgeous places on earth. All in all, we're blessed. But sometimes....I just want to move to the boonies and do nothing.

Back in the Saddle...

2007-06-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

Alaska was amazing. The cruise was relaxing- sad to say- I didn't miss my life in Seattle at all. Although, by lunchtime on Friday- I was really tired of eating. The food was good, not awesome- but good. I think that's ok- if it was awesome and spectacular- I would probably have gained 10 pounds. As it was, I gained 2-3- which I have lost this week thanks to a nasty stomach bug.
Marty is doing a great job of blogging our adventures- so feel free to check his site out. I loved the scenery and wildlife in Alaska. It was so epic and gorgeous and beautiful. The food and the activities and entertainment on the cruise were not as fabu as we expected, but I have to say, the service was very good. Our cabin steward, our waiters, everyone you ran into was very, very nice and I thought great service is one thing Princess really has going for it. I had a really good time.

We enjoyed a few more days off when we got home. We went to movies and chilled out and caught up with life. A little vacation from the vacation.

We hit the ground running on Tuesday with a student matinee. Not much going on this week except playing catch-up with emails and laundry. My stomach bug hit me mid-day on Wednesday and I am still recovering. I was suddenly clammy and nauseous and when Marty cooked bacon at home, it was all over. No, not pregnant- just a bug. This is a good week to be sick though since...

We'll start the Joseph build on Monday. I have a few other projects I am trying to get done this week: invitations to a baby shower I am throwing for a couple of girls at work (done) finishing getting "the garden" planted (done) painting a table for outside, cleaning the house, updating my theatrical portfolio for a talk I am giving on Tuesday to the "Innis Arden Friends of the Arts," paying bills, cleaning, shopping, taking care of ill kitties (Mickey is on day 3 of his 1st round of chemo, so far, so good) and so on, and so on. So suffice it to say- we're busy once again. Although, I've been laying around for a couple of days recovering from this bug. I HATE stomach bugs. Nasty. Uncomfortable. Yuck. That's all for now- check out Marty's blog for photos and details.

Susan and Darin

2007-05-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Susan is one of my dearest friends from high school- she's the one I stay in the most contact with. She is also the one who probably has more blackmail material on me and vice versa than just about anyone on the planet. We got up to some crazy stuff in our younger years- we smuggled full meals into movies, went carousing...hugged strange boys, survived countless and sometimes very WRONG boyfriends- all sorts of stuff. Once she accidentally hit the median on our way back from the movies and actually knocked the car back into alignment! We have laughed much in our day. I still have many letters she wrote me. She is one of my favorite people on the planet- and I miss her like crazy.

She lives with her husband, Darin, in a small town in Iowa. I'm a little embarassed because I haven't met Darin yet, and they've been married over 10 years. Yikes. They have two little boys and live a life that seems content and uncomplicated and sometimes I think, I wish that were my life- but God seems to have called me to other things. But it's not all "roses and parsnips" as my husband likes to say, Susan has MS- and her attitude is amazing- I really admire her (I know she read our blogs to keep up with us-so, Susan- this is SO TRUE) She is one of my heroes. I still remember when she was an EMT and she flopped on my chair in my bedroom and announced she simply HAD to deliver my children because she had helped with a birth that day and it was such an amazing experience. She became a paramedic, she was an AWESOME paramedic and I know that she really, really loved it. She had to give it up because of the MS. She's been through a lot of hard stuff with her family's health issues...and...life. We all know how that goes. One of her sons is autistic, one was premature- it's been a rollercoaster ride. And yet, she stays on a pretty even keel. She's very brave and very strong. Now, I don't see or talk to her on a daily basis- but she hasn't lost her sense of humor through all the stuff she's been through and she seems to just keep on truckin', no matter what.

This week I got an email from her- and the poop has really hit the fan. So for all of you praying folks out there, this is what's going on (I hope this is ok- Susan- but I feel like we need to get the troops praying) The following is from her email:

"OK--I've always wanted to be a heart breaker... but this is nuts!! First my dad with cardiac bypass, then my mom with the valve scare, and now Darin! I seem to be the only common denominator.
Darin has a bad aortic valve that needs to be replaced...soon. Like in the next few weeks. So--once again--please send positive thoughts and energy our way! We've always known Darin has a bad heart valve that would eventually need to be replaced, but no one (including the doctors) EVER thought it would happen this soon, and at the ripe old age of 37. Yes this is scary. Mostly because in the best case scenario-he'll be dead in five years IF he doesn't have the surgery. With the surgery he should do OK-we're not worried about that. (much) What adds to my worry is that after the surgery, no doctor in the state of Iowa will certify him as "Fit for Duty" as a police officer, even if he's 100% recovered. So his law enforcement career may well be pretty much over. Enough? No way--think about this. If he can't get a lateral transfer to somewhere in the city we'll lose our insurance. (Think MS, autism, early heart problems...) We'll be financially ruined. And I have to say--in the grand scheme that's pretty unimportant if he gets well and we all are together... Please keep us in your thoughts--I need that right now!!!"

Being a grown-up really sucks sometimes.

SO- all you praying types out there- my dear friend needs the peace of God that passes all understanding, she needs strength, she needs faith and to know that God is right there with them. Her kids need peace. Her husband needs peace and healing. They need favor and a lateral transfer so they don't lose their insurance. They need faith. They need provision through all this- and I know my God is faithful! He will take care of them, even through the hard times and trials. Please bombard heaven on their behalf. I know I am. I really do love you, Susan.

Mickey and life update

2007-05-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got off the phone with the vet. It's actually pretty good news. Mickey is still a very sick kitty and will be on medication for quite some time, but it's NOT cancer!! HUZZAH!!! I honestly, don't know if I could have handled it if it were. He has severe Inflammatory Bowel Disease- which isn't pretty at all- but it's the best of all the options we were given. So....he continues the meds he's on ($130 to hire the vet assistant to come give him meds while we're away-yikes!) and will add another for awhile that is technically a chemo drug-but it combats this disease as well and we'll have to change his diet to high protein game (venison, duck, etc.) but if all goes well- he won't be on meds the rest of his life (like he would have with the small cell lymphoma- and the other- well, we just won't go there will we?) And all of this will start when we get back- since he'd be on the meds he's on for a couple of weeks before starting everything else anyhoo-so it all works out. I want to cry. $2500 and 6 months later we FINALLY know what is going on. So prayer that it all "takes" would be great- but I still feel like a huge load is lifted. I haven't blogged much about Mickey- I've been too emotional- but you can check the process out on Marty's blog. This pain-in-the-tush, ornery, attention hogging mama's boy has been my baby for over 13 years- it's been a very stressful process.

I still feel pretty stressed. We've gotten a lot accomplished this week- tonight is first preview for Seven Keys to Baldpate- it looks good. I am pleased. It's A LOT of clothing. But it's a really fun show- perhaps my favorite this season. I've been trying to read scripts for next season (during tech? INSANITY) trying to get the shop tidy and ready for the next show to load in, get stuff ready for the trip (lists made, sitters hired, apt. manager notified, odds and ends purchased, the list goes on) and I've had early morning meetings everyday this week (tomorrow's is changed, I can come in at 10am!!!) lots of looonnnnnggg days. Which makes this tired, burned out soul want a vacation before her vacation. But I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, if I can only find time to pack....

Waiting....

2007-05-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

...for first dress rehearsal to start in about an hour
...to find out how dress rehearsal goes so I can plan the rest of my week
...to get biopsy results for Mickey, to find out if it's cancer or something else that's causing his weight loss and then decide what to do
...to make some potentially hard decisions
...for prayers to be answered for my friends who are facing serious health issues
...to find time to prepare and pack for my trip
...to find time to get the next show set up, 3 plays read and help decide a Christmas show, and attend 2-3 meetings all during a tech week, before we go on our trip
...to see how fast or slow this week goes, and if I can actually get it/keep it together this week
...for God to prove Himself faithful, yet again
...for God to restore my soul (it desperately needs it, I feel as if I am in a perpetual state of "On the verge of losing it")
...for God to save my cat, my friend these past 15 years
...for God to heal my friends
...for God to help those friends that don't know Him to find Him through these hard times
...for God.

Going through the motions.....

2007-05-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

That's what I feel like right now. I am just going through the motions. I am not sure what to do about this. How to break out, get excited, get motivated, whatever.

We're working on Seven Keys to Baldpate, which opens May 18th- the day before we leave on the cruise, actually. I like this show a lot. It's my favorite so far this year- it's a mystery farce with a lot of melodrama. Quite hilarious. I've set it in the 1950's- because I am sick of doing shows set in the 1920's-1940's- we do A LOT of those and I think the 50's period works great. I was laughing out loud imagining them in their costumes at the designer run the other night. So far, everything has been going quite well- thank you, Jesus! This makes me a bit nervous. And while I am far too persnickety and anal and picky to "phone it in," I still am not that excited about it. Perhaps I am just burned out. I am hoping that is all it is. There's so much to be done before we leave- Marty's got his artwalk show and we have church obligations and work obligations, I need to get the garden planted, etc. etc....life goes on kind of stuff. I feel like I just go from one set of chores to another. I'm tired of figuring out how and when everything is going to get done and making things happen. It all just seems like a never ending list of bills, chores, groceries, vet appointments and work. I feel like my joy has been stolen a bit. In addition to all the regular stuff, I need to be reading plays for next year's season- and I don't find any of them interesting to read- but they all need to be done. Just more stuff.

I think I really need a vacation.

In my Father's house

2007-04-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

I had another one last night/this morning. I dream this one a lot.

I move into a house or apartment and it really doesn't look like much. But as I start to settle in and unpack- the house grows. It's always much, much bigger with lots and lots of rooms. And usually, it's a lot nicer than I originally thought. The houses are usually furnished- and I change them around and clean them up. The houses are also in all sorts of places- I remember one being (in my dream) in a not so nice part of Philadelphia. Very strange. I think the most memorable room was a giant glass dome- it was HUGE- and it was all wild and overgrown, like a jungle. This morning as I woke from the latest of these dreams, I remembered the dome. I had that dream before I moved to Seattle, and I wonder if it represented the costume shop at Taproot, which was a complete mess when I got there. Marty says these dreams make him nervous, like I am going to move. But I think they represent when God is changing things in my life. I used to get "pregnant" dreams that seemed to represent the same thing- but not so much anymore. And on the rare occasion a pregnant dream occurs, I am not nearly as pregnant as I used to be. Dreams are so confusing. I also have recurring dreams of fighting evil- fighting the devil himself. Once I had to move a pair of twins that were in my class from house to house to house to hide them from him because he was after them. Another time, the devil was a hockey coach who was destroying his team with sex, drugs and rock and roll- that time, I pushed him over a cliff, a deep abyss. Seriously weird stuff.

I think my favorite fighting evil dream had a bunch of people that were being chased by demonic hordes. I was leading them as they ran. They were all wearing raggy, nasty clothing which changed as we ran through a river into pure white clothing. Then I turned and stopped to face the hordes when they came- and yelled for the people to keep running. The people ran across a rich, lush field that looked suspiciously like soybeans. Then they began to climb trees- HUGE trees, the biggest I have ever seen. So there were these huge trees absolutely covered with these people wearing white that looked like fruit hanging there. It was amazing- I have it written down somewhere- but the details are starting to get fuzzy. This particular dream has some significant spiritual overtones in it, obviously.

But I still haven't figured out the house dreams. I get them all the time. If anyone knows the interpretation- I'd be happy to hear it. Otherwise, I guess I'll just have to wait for a face to face with God since he hasn't given me the interpretation yet.
In my Father's house, there are many rooms....

Vanilla Scent

2007-04-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

Is taking over the downstairs of Taproot Theatre. Seriously, it smells like a french vanilla brothel. Why? Well may you ask. I'm afraid it is partially my fault. After an exhausting week of being a substiture mommy, this was a stand-out event. To start with, my friend Jennifer sent her 8 year old to stay with us this week and attend the spring break drama camp. I have been a part of Rebekah's entire life, much to her embarrassment, I have the honor of changing her very first diaper in the world. She's a great kid and a smart kid. And I am once again reminded what a tough job parenthood is. Highlights of this week include:

Overheard while she was playing with the dollhouse; "Now, no one let grandpa drive you anywhere or read you anything, he's had too many beers."

More spelling tests and words than I ever remember, more homework than an eight year old should probably have, come to think of it. Ironically, Bekah likes homework, it "makes me think." Good for her.

We went to see "A Night at the Museum." A grand outing, although Bekah got a little nervous when the T-Rex first came to life.

A trip to Seattle's best toy store, Top Ten Toys- where Bekah proved she is quite....frugal...with her own money (but she's perfectly ok spending other people's money!)

Making superheroes on the computer with Marty. She made all the decisions of what hers should look like and Lady Lightning looks like the perfect superhero for the eight year old girl- complete with the horse companion and pink cape.

Picking out her superhero costume for camp at Thriftko. Hot pink tank top with sequins, shiny silver vinyl skirt, white tights with flowers, pink cape with flower and silver trim and a sequined silver headband- all for her character "Sidekick Marlowe," companion to "Captain Shakespeare." My friend Lorrie has been studying this year in England and told me that Christopher Marlowe was mighty fruity, so perhaps pink, silver and floral is the way to go. You are probably still wondering why the entire downstairs of Taproot Theatre smells like a french vanilla brothel...

We had a very productive morning. We got up, ate breakfast, packed lunch, packed a lot of Bekah's suitcase (although there is a missing pair of sunglasses and a trail of jelly bracelets still to be tracked down) she finished her book (Otherwise known as Sheila the Great) and we also got her dressed in her costume, brushed her teeth and curled her hair. The hair curling took quite sometime and slowed us down a bit as Bekah had to stop at every mirror and admire herself. Apparently, this is a habit of hers. I think it's not such a bad thing, to think yourself pretty- quite a gift, actually. And we got to Taproot in plenty of time. Then I looked at her and realized that she had a huge milk mustache. So I sent her to the bathroom to take care of it. She was in there for quite some time. I just thought she was admiring herself again. But no, she found the bottle of vanilla body spray and pretty much hosed herself down with it. Seriously- you can smell her coming. When Marty and I busted her ("Found the vanilla spray, did you Bekah?) She looked sheepish and answered in a small voice, "I just sprayed the room." Sure she did. When Marty went into the bathroom to clean it- there was a fog. We opened the door to air it out- and now the scent has permeated the theatre. Bekah will be sent home smelling like vanilla. According to her mom, there was a similar incident with a tiny bottle of perfume a couple of weeks ago that resulted in mom having to roll down car windows for a couple of days. I almost forgot how hilarious kid world is. And as tired as I am, I'll probably miss having Rebekah around. She's very diverting.

Holy Week

2007-04-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid- I remember Holy Week being a pretty big deal. I grew up in at the First Congregational Church in Guilford, Connecticut. I remember all the Catholics wandering with their little smudges on Ash Wednesday and listening to them talk about all the things they gave up for Lent. As for our church- we had Wednesday night Lenten Potluck suppers- I remember they were pretty fun. I loved all those potluck dinners, and we had them for Advent as well. I have very found memories of growing up in that church. I do remember one particular potluck, when we were told not to bring food- and then we were split up like the world's population for dinner. One family had a ritzy fancy dinner, 2-3 families had a picnic type meal and the rest of us were in "the third world" eating rice and apples. It was actually pretty fun in the third world- and it was a lesson I never forgot. But I digress- back to Holy Week...

Which started with an interdenominational Palm Sunday service on the Green. In New England communities- the town is placed around a big park called the Green. Every Palm Sunday, all the Congregationals, Catholics, Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Presbyterians and whoever else wanted to come, would gather their palm branches and join together for a service to kick off Holy Week. When I was little, this is just how it was. All the Christians gathering together, worshipping Jesus, getting along just fine. As an adult, I'm pretty impressed with this whole gathering- because it's not something we see often enough. We just don't see the CHURCH gathering together to worship Jesus. Sigh.

On Maundy Thursday- I remember Dad would go to a special service, I never went- I don't really know why. Perhaps my parents thought I'd be bored. But I was a pretty inquisitive kid in regard to the whole "God thing" I probably would have enjoyed it. As long as I can remember, I wanted to know God. I remember sitting in my tiny little rocking chair, with my first grown-up Bible in my lap- reading it and wishing it made more sense to me. Wishing that God would talk to me. Sometimes, I still feel that way. Many times. Most of the time.

On Good Friday- we had special Sunday School. We were off school for Spring Break and so our church had a special Good Friday Sunday School session. It was pretty cool. I remember looking forward to it immensely.

On Dark Saturday- well, truth be told, this was pagan day all the way. I always woke up obscenely early because I was just dying to dye the Easter eggs (get it?) I miss doing that so much. I guess the artist in me just really enjoys that tradition. If my husband enjoyed hard boiled eggs, I'd still do it- but I can't eat them all myself. So no more eggs. Back then, Dad and I (who enjoyed weekly "art time" together) would get out the old olive green flower print vinyl tablecloth with the white fringe, the crayons and the PAAS kit and go to town.

On Easter Sunday we'd start with pagan traditions first. I'd be up obscenely early to hunt down all our artful eggs from the day before and get quite a bit of sugar in me to boot. We would enjoy cardamom braided bread that my dad would make and some hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Then I'd put on my Easter dress- usually a new one made by my mom, and off to church we would go. I always loved the Easter services- the hymns were my favorite. And for some reason, people always sang more loudly that day. Like they meant what they were singing. I don't know if it was because the hymns were familiar or if it was because there was a spirit of victory and joy in the air, whatever the reason- it was pretty powerful stuff. When I was old enough, I joined the junior choir and got to sing the special music as well. After church- we'd head off to visit family and I always enjoyed that too. Come to think of it- that church was a significant part of a happy childhood.

After we moved to Illinois (when I was in high school) Holy week changed in a big way. Our new church didn't really celebrate in the same way- just special-ish Palm Sunday and Easter Services. Usually, we had to make a 3 hour trek to some aunt's house and didn't even get to go to church on Easter- which made my dad pretty unhappy. This trend continued through college.

When I moved to North Carolina, the church I went to there really didn't make a big deal out of Palm Sunday. There was no Lent or "Holy Week"- but there was a special Easter Service with a big drama production. I was in charge of the drama team then, so Lent to me just meant more stress. I never liked most of our Easter productions- they were only ok. One was really good- and it actually offended some people so I felt like I had done my job. : ) But I really missed the lead up to Holy Week that I had as a child. It made that week set apart and special- and I still miss it a lot.

Here in Washington- well, our new church observes Holy Week- different traditions- but I'm glad they observe it. We went to the "Ticker Tape" service on Palm Sunday- which was quite an experience. The last part of the service was a worship service- and it's intention was to create the feel and atmosphere of Jesus's entrance into Jerusalem- one of ridiculous celebration. It was interesting on so many levels. As more paper than I could have imagined was shot out of confetti cannons (and apparently they misfired and only sent out half the confetti- dear me) people worshipped and tossed it in the air, children drown each other in it-and it was easy to get swept away in the moment. The phrase "extravagant worship" kept ringing in my head. I thought of the woman pouring perfume on the feet of Jesus. Why can't we always worship that extravagantly? (I think Heaven must be like that- of course, I think Heaven is going to be fabulous, sort of like the Cirque de Soleil, people making all kinds of art, figure skating, sychronized swimming and every kind of music in every kind of language imaginable. It'll be CRAZY FUN! and we'll be with God- Party on!) But, I digress... Meanwhile, back at the Palm Sunday service-when I was truly in worship- this celebration was an amazing thing, and when I got pulled out of the moment-I was still celebrating. I loved looking up to see thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper floating down toward me as I sang. I imagine that it was same kind of experience for the people there that day Jesus rode into town. Swept up in the moment, not knowing why they were celebrating, and certainly not knowing that within the week, Jesus would be murdered. Thankfully, we have hindsight- we know why and how it all went down- it makes it easy to celebrate. I must also mention, there was a couple of handfuls of confetti trapped in my clothes afterward- pretty funny.

Yesterday, Good Friday, we went to the Stations of the Cross at our church. I had never experienced that particular tradition. It was interesting. Our friend Jeff had mentioned commissioning artists to do the stations next year- and I think that's brilliant. I found it very powerful to see all the scripture pulled together to tell the story and I thought the questions at each prayer station were pointed and powerful- made me think. However, I would have liked it to have been more experiential. This tradition has the potential to be so incredibly powerful. Marty and I were talking and we thought it would be great if all the senses were involved, soft music playing, incense, communion set up so people could take it if they wanted to, places to sit and meditate at each station- and I think it would be so neat to see an artist's take on each particular station. Big stuff.

Today is Dark Saturday. And I sit and ponder the wonder of Easter. It's hard for me to be sad, because I know how the story ends. I try to remember what Jesus went through for me- the pain, the suffering, the sacrifice. I am unbelievably grateful. But yet, I cannot grieve or be melancholy- because God is so big and good and Jesus triumphed over evil and death...for me. Because He loves me. Even when I can't feel it or think He's forgotten me or I am going through a poopy time. He loves me. He died for me. He would have done it if it were just me. I can't do anything to make that up to Him except give Him what and who I am. Because that's what He did for me. It's amazing to me that it's enough. He is happy to give His sinless life for my sinful, full of mistakes and pain one. Wow. No kidding. Wow.

Tomorrow is Easter- I'm interested to see what service will be like. We don't have kids- so there will be no egg hunt, but my friend's 8 year old daughter is coming to spend the week with us so there is an easter basket with her name on it. Sadly, we'll have to duck out of service early to go fetch her at the airport. During service, we'll get to see the video that Marty, Jeff and Kent and the other guys have been working on- starring Marty. We watched it yesterday, it was quite good. It's odd to see your home on film. Our candlesticks are really crooked. After we pick up Bekah, we'll head to Jeff's for Easter dinner. It's nice to have people to celebrate with. I just pray in all the busy-ness of tomorrow- that the true meaning of Easter knocks us right between the eyes and in the heart. I think Marty and I could both use a dose of that love, revelation and victory that Jesus died for. Happy Easter.

Bumper Sticker

2007-04-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

As I was coming into work this morning, I saw this bumper sticker:

I like your Christ
But I don't like your christians
They are very unlike your Christ

It made me sad. Because it's true. And granted there are issues of sin, grace and forgiveness involved because sadly, we will never be sinless in this lifetime. But I thought, what if being like Christ became a serious priority for every person that proclaims Jesus as Lord and Savior? What if everyone laid down their selfishness and agendas and just tried to be like Jesus? How revolutionary would that be? He was one person. And He changed the world. Imagine if His followers made it a priority to be like Him as much as we could. How much would we change the world?

Pros and Cons...

2007-04-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

Things I love about living in Seattle....

-Being surrounded by gorgeous nature and yet having all the advantages of urban living
-the flowers
-the beach and the mountains- together!
-NW Arts Group
-hearing sea lions barking at the beach (and seeing them occasionally as well!)
-comp tickets to theatre
-PF Chang's
-Sunday School
-our big, lovely apartment with a studio
-my greenhouse soon-to-be container garden
-watching the Pre-K kids play at the elementary school across the street
-the Sci-Fi museum
-my job (most of the time!)
-walking with my husband through our lovely neighborhood
-living close to and taking advantage of the zoo
-that Big Daddy Gorilla at the zoo is 2 years older than I am
-Sloth bears- they are funny!
-emcee-ing the Greenwood Seafair Parade (it's geeky, but it's fun)
-Trader Joe's-yummy organic foods for less!
-cool bookstores and art supply stores
-the views from the Space Needle (especially Mt. Rainier)
-hanging out with my cousin Margaret
-boat rides on Puget Sound
-going grocery shopping without having to put on make-up (heck, I even go to work that way sometimes!)
-The Library Cafe
-IKEA is a half hour away! MEATBALLS!
-sunny and cool summers
-it's very...diverse
-people who are in church want to be there, seeking Jesus, it's not about the culture and it's not just what you do...
-RECYCLING!!! People do care and want to steward the earth
-I got married here!

Things I don't like about living in Seattle...

-ridiculously high cost of living
-it's very hard to get to know people as most are too busy to become friends
-fleece at the opera
-people bring their dogs EVERYWHERE (including ridiculously expensive fancy restaurants...where people wear fleece)
-traffic, traffic, traffic
-bad bumpy roads
-rainy, dreary winters
-being so far away from our families and friends
-anti-christian mentality
-tree-hugging hypocrites who drive their gas guzzling SUV's all by themselves
-Trader Joe's parking lots

Things I miss about the south...

-my friends
-post Sunday service lunches out
-good restaurants- Apollo Flame, La Carreta, Tupelo Honey, Apollo Flame II, Asiana
-fried chicken and barbeque
-the accent
-visiting other small towns- Hendersonville, Boone, Blowing Rock, Black Mountain
-The Cove
-people being super friendly and hospitable
-reasonable cost of living
-my AC Moore discount
-the Blue Ridge Parkway

Things I don't miss about the south...

-the heat
-the humidity
-redneck mentality (although, it is EVERYWHERE)
-NASCAR insanity
-Bele Chere
-witches
-hypocrisy and out of control church culture
-having to put on make-up to go grocery shopping, having to "look nice" all the time because it was expected
-expectations

I can't decide whether I miss the term "Bless his/her heart" or not....sometimes it's really sincere as in, "She has what kind of cancer? Bless her heart!" or sometimes it's just a matter of trying to make whatever you say ok as in "I can't believe no one has told her that her man is cheating on her! Can you believe it? Bless her heart!"- so...the jury is still out on that one.

Judging by the lists, it seems that I like living in Seattle a lot. I'd say that's true- but it's just normal life to have pros and cons to everything. But it is still a lot to thank God for- and I do!

I'm not middle aged, but I can see it from here.

2007-03-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. Holy Schmackers. I turned 37 on Saturday and all I can think is... how the heck did THAT happen? I certainly don't feel that old. Not at all. Although I read a quote the other day somewhere that said something about when in your 30's you wish you had the body you hated in your 20's- and I think that's very true.

I had to work on my birthday. So after opening presents and cards in the morning, I spent the day in dress rehearsal. Then my husband took me out for greek food (yummy, although the service was lame) and then as a BIG treat- there were Krispy Kreme doughnuts with SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUZZAH!!! Seriously, I have a weird thing for sprinkles. I LOVE THEM...on ice cream, cookies, doughnuts- love 'em. I don't like the colored sugar crystal variety- just all the other crazy, dye-filled globules of sugar. SPRINKLES! YAY! Weird, huh? Sprinkles. Sprinkles. Sprinkles. I just like the word. Sprinkles.

My husband got me gardening tools for my birthday (Good going, baby!) And I am happy as a clam. I bought a small greenhouse and things are growing like mad. The green beans are bionic- the basil sprouted in 2 days! It's awesome. I love watching things grow and I can't wait to move everything outside. If you are a gardener of any sort- you need to get you some WORM POOP! Seriously- it's like a magic potion for plants. It's called TerraCycle and you can get it at Home Depot. It comes in recycled pop bottles- it's organic and it's FABULOUS!!!

Funny what makes a 37 year old happy. Sprinkles and worm poo. Go figure.

True Confessions

2007-03-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am blogging. I've been fussed at for being remiss in this practice (thank you, Cassie- I fuss at you- you fuss at me- what are friends for?) so here's one that is sadly, less than warm and fuzzy.

It's been a busy couple of months for me, particularly at work. I confess this makes me a bit nervous as this is the "slow" time of year. But for now, all 5 current touring shows are up and running, one mainstage has run it's course and while we will head into tech for the next mainstage this week- There is still much to do (it's amazing how complicated 2 costumes can get) but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and things will have a more normal pace, at least through this month.

It's also been a hard couple of months for me- I am battling depression more than I ever have in my life- and I really haven't been talking about it. It started about the first of the year and hasn't really let up. The people in my life that I care about seem burdened by their own struggles and busy-ness- so I don't want to add more. I don't know if that's right- but I have always been that way- so I muddle through on my own and trust because God has always been faithful to pull me through depression. I feel weary and overwhelmed a lot of the time now. So, I just don't think about it and keep on keepin' on. I think part of the issue is my being determined to be obedient about somethings I felt like God told me to do a long time ago- and I have finally stepped up to the plate. I've started praying in earnest again- don't know if I am making much headway- but it's nice to hang out in the presence of God again. I "adopted" a couple of orphans in Africa- $25 a month seems so little to ask to keep a child alive. And I am really trying to be healthy. We are plugging into church more and pursuing this with intention- hanging out with fellow artists and making new friends. This may not seem like much- but I know it is because the pressure cooker has clicked ON. I don't think the devil likes what is going on- and so things are hard right now. I can feel the warfare swirling about me. And I know it's warfare, I know the devil will lose (even when it feels like he's winning) and that gives me the hope and faith to keep on keepin' on. I've been through this before, and I'm sure it'll happen again. And on the other side of this time when depression, loss of joy and being overwhelmed by even the simple tasks of life has passed- God will show me how I've grown and what miracles He has worked during this time- and for that, I am thankful. But, boy oh boy, I will sure be glad to be on the other side.

Pursuing God, and why we do it

2007-02-21T09:05:00.000-08:00

Here's something interesting- check it out- http://www.dickstaub.com/culturewatch.php?record_id=1105

I enjoy Dick Staub- he's got some interesting things to say- and one of these days, Marty and I are going to make it over to Kindlings Muse to see/hear the program. As we talk about calling in our Sunday School class- it seems to keep coming back to relationship with God. As in, our own. I keep thinking that if you get that intimacy in place, the rest will come. Like getting the first button on your shirt right, as my old pastor used to say. Calling will be clear- our first calling is definitely to God himself. Like most relationships, it requires some time- which is counter cultural to what we Americans know as we go eighty billion miles an hour. But it is well worth the effort. I've been enjoying getting back to a worship/prayer time. I'm not a hundred percent consistent yet and I don't show up with a list- I just show up. I haven't "heard" anything earth shattering and profound yet- but I have felt God's presence and love surrounding me and that's enough. Like Dick Staub talks about- I feel like He must change me from the inside so that I can be effective in the world- and why not let Him?

I'd forgotten how much fun it is just to hang out with Him.

One Night with the King

2007-02-10T15:26:00.000-08:00

I just watched the movie, One Night with the King- about Queen Esther. It was a visually lovely movie- very lavish- good costumes, etc. etc.... There were some historical issues, changing the king's name, how the whole fasting and approaching the king went down, etc. etc. The movie had some continuity issues, particularly surrounding a necklace which was a major plot point in the movie (which also had some questionable issues historically- such as, was the star of David such a symbol for Judaism at this point in history?) but all in all was kind of interesting to watch. It raised some questions in my mind, particularly because, like many women- I really like the book of Esther and have had oh, a kabillion kinds of teachings on it.

Most teachings I've had have been about Esther's faith and obedience. Obedience to Mordecai (whose role was a bit downplayed compared to scripture) Obedience to the king, etc. etc. Heck, I've even had teaching on all the beauty treatments she received! And while I have nothing against obedience (personal experience says it's best to obey than rebel) I wonder...

For instance, Queen Vashti. She always gets the short end of the stick. She didn't want to be paraded in front of her drunken husband and his drunken friends. That Jezebel. Well, this is often how she is portrayed in teachings, at least the ones I have received. She didn't submit to her husband and look what happened to her! Let that be a lesson to you! But I think- even the most submissive wives of leaders that I know probably wouldn't be keen to be paraded about in front of a bunch of drunks. Also, here's a thought- if Vashti HAD obeyed her husband, what then, would have been the fate of the Jews? Ah. Hmmmm.... If Vashti would have obeyed her husband, and all would have continued on as is, would Haman have had his way- and would all the Jews have been annihilated?

Perhaps, since the great I AM is the great I AM....He could foresee all this- and for all we know, gave Vashti a valid reason to disobey her husband, knowing what would happen so that Esther could be in a place "for such a time as this." It's times like these when I wish the amplified Bible were even more amplified, you know what I mean? God sees the big picture and I am constantly amazed how He coordinates circumstances, situations and people to get His will accomplished in the earth.

Another thing about this movie that got me thinking... How God does indeed bless obedience. How scary for Hadassah to become queen- rules, protocol, dresses that weigh a million pounds, having to be wise- and be a wife- to someone she barely knows? Loves? While the Bible does talk about how Esther found favor in the king's eyes- what the movie presented was the fact they had a mutual loving relationship. And while all that may not appear in the scriptures, per se- to me, it keeps with the nature and character of the God that I love and serve. Why should the king listen to her if she was only a trophy wife- good for nothing but her beauty? I don't think so. I also don't think that God would have given Esther and unhappy marriage. She was obedient and I think they must have had a good marital relationship. They loved and trusted one another- isn't that interesting. And often glossed over in teachings that concentrate on Esther's seemingly blind submission and faith. I don't think God desires us to have blind submission and faith- our pursuing Him, our RELATIONSHIP with Him- causes us to have faith and to be able to submit and obey- even to the point of facing death. The whole sceptre of favor thing in the movie was a very intense moment, one that I think also can get glossed over. It's one of the better scenes- Esther approaching the kind amidst the yelling and squawking of the advisors about broken protocol in a culture where protocol was everything. What she did was a really, really big deal. And whether it was for a valid reason or because she was a Jezebel- I am thankful that Vashti didn't obey her husband and that the jewish people have a reason to celebrate Purim.

The Beaches, the Burches and the (N)elmes....

2007-02-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Guilford, Connecticut, there lived three families.
The Beaches- Ken, Ann and their daughters Kathleen and Jena.
The Burches- Donald, Diane and their daughter, Sarah.
The Nelmes- Jim and Jan, who had no children. She was a high school science teacher, there's a great photo of her with a dissected cat. Ew. And she had a fabulous shell collection.

These families all attended the First Congregational Church in Guilford, which is how they met. In addition to many joyous church activities including singing in the choir, pageants, picnics, teaching Sunday school, advent potluck suppers, talent shows- these families were very much a part of each other's lives.

Ken Beach would cook fantastic chinese dinners, making sure ALL of the above mentioned folks were there as there was a course for each person present.

The Nelmes had volleyball and barbeques at their house almost every Saturday during the summer, and they always let everyone play, no matter how bad they were. After all, how could you get better if you didn't play?

The girls would put on concerts and plays. Kathleen played the flute, Sarah played the oboe and Jena played the cello. Mostly, these were performed at the Burch's house, as there was a little "stage" spot at the foot of the stairs. Favorite "plays" that were put on (mostly by Sarah and Jena, Kathleen was a little too "mature" for these) were Cinderella and many a "Barbara Walters Special." "Barbara" interviewed many famous folks including Michael Jackson, Boy George and Mother Nature. Hilarity ensued.

The girls also went to Girl Scout camp together, but that's another story.

Anniversaries of the three couples were celebrated every year with a big dinner, a silly sign saying such things as "Joyful Nuptual Commemoration" and the ritual passing of the tacky anniversary wine glasses- still in the box, of course. Other celebrations included Edgar Allen Poe's birthday and family birthday's as well. Ann and Sarah shared a birthday on March 17th.

Sarah called Jim Nelmes "Shorty." He was about 6'2" and he sold caskets for a living. The Nelmes called her "Munchkin" and sent her silver candlesticks when she got married. As they had no children of their own, Sarah often felt "adopted" by them.

When Sarah was 12, she was in the hospital for a long time. She had a weird sinus condition that caused scar tissue to build up in her sinuses. She was very ill, although, she had a good time in the hospital making friends and tissue flowers so she didn't understand how sick she was. Shorty and/or Mrs. Nelmes visited her almost every day. They brought ice cream and toys. They gave her a doll, whom she named Emily, who is still with her, 25 years later.

When the Burches moved to Illinois, Sarah still needed to finish school. She lived with the Beaches and on Monday nights, she would go have supper with Shorty and Mrs. Nelmes. After supper, she and Shorty would watch Fraggle Rock. One time, they watched "Something Wicked this Way comes." The spider scene still gives her the willies.

After the Burches moved, the Beaches also moved. Only the Nelmes still lived in Guilford. There were holiday cards and occasional visits. Beloved pets died- dogs named Ruff and Happy and cats named George, Tuffy, Abby and JB. Children grew up and got married and life went on. There were still solid ties of friendship and many, many happy memories. These families loved each other very much.

Today, Diane called Sarah to inform her that she had received a phone call from Jan. Shorty had a heart attack and died. He was 58 years old.

Sarah cried.

She was also thankful for the love and the happy memories and privilege of being a part of this man's life. She hopes to remember to never take life for granted, because even though it seems it will always go on, it doesn't. She also hopes to remember to never let people forget how much she loves them.

Snowflakes

2007-01-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

We've had some crazy weather here in Seattle lately. It's been like "real" winter! Normally, everything is very temperate here- but not lately! It's a little nutty. But I like it.

The other night, I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake Marty so I grabbed my favorite blanket and curled up on a chair in the living room by the window to watch it snow. It was about 1am- nice and quiet except for the occasional car sliding through the intersection. I just don't understand why people think if they drive an SUV they can drive like they normally do in winter weather. These nincompoops make the roads so dangerous as they slipslide about. But, I digress.

So, the snow was coming down in big fluffy flakes. Softly falling. It was soooooo pretty. And as I sat watching thousands of snowflakes falling, I got to thinking about how no two snowflakes are alike. It blew my mind. Each one of those thousands of snowflakes I watched during that half hour or so was COMPLETELY UNIQUE. Wow. SNOWFLAKES!!!!! Little bits of frozen precipitation that have very small lifespans and yet are completely, uniquely, beautifully designed! Little bits of precipitations that individually don't make a dent in the grand scheme of eternity! But they are each a masterpiece! And people don't think God exists!

Then I got to thinking how unique people are and how BIG God must be to have designed all of us (and STILL has time to design a kabillion unique bits of frilly, lacey, frozen precipitation) How can people think we crawled out of the muck? One of my favorite things my old pastor used to say was if you put a bunch of watch bits in a bag and shook it for a thousand years- it wouldn't be a watch. It would still be bits. We need the Creator.

Look at all the beautiful people in the world. All different shapes and sizes and colors. All of us with different personalities, giftings, interests and DNA. No two are exactly alike- and we're all so terribly complex. For instance, I can't do algebra or speak french- but I can tell what size someone wears pretty much by just looking at them. (Pretty handy in my line of work) And we all speak different languages- as if the same "UGG" could become latin, french, spanish, aramaic, navajo... I mean, COME ON! AND to boggle the mind even further, God not only created everyone- but He knows the number of hairs on our HEADS. Granted, that's more to remember for some than others. : ) But still, we have a God who cares enough to create masterpieces of tiny precipitation. He loves beauty. And yet, we live in a society where we don't value the creation of life, of each other, of every human being- all who have value and are completely unique. We are not in awe of the Creator capable of creating the magnificent diversity of everything and everyone. What is wrong with us? Are we so self-centered we cannot look around with the wonder of children? I don't know many people who don't enjoy watching a quiet and beautiful snowfall. But I know many people who cannot find the same joy in watching each person, who is more unique, beautiful, precious and valuable than a snowflake. I find it all quite amazing.

At long last, an update.

2006-12-27T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yes. It is shameful the amount of time that has passed since I have last blogged. But I warned y'all that November and December would be INSANE and I spent what little free time I had during those months doing frivolous things such as...sleeping. But suffice it to say- we've all survived and for the most part, had a great time. Some of the highlights....

-It's a Wonderful Life: A Live Radio Play- opened to mostly great reviews. It's a warm and fuzzy show. Lessons learned:
# 1-Grant Goodeve is a great guy- but he has a seriously twisted sense of humor.
# 2-Although a fabric may be darn pretty and have pretty twinkly sequin snowflakes on it, if it's synthetic- it is also pretty darn prone to capturing body odor like nobody's business. Several trips to the drycleaner later- I have learned not to be seduced by sparkly snowflakes. My deepest apologies and condolences to Lisa- who had to wear the dress (she looked fantastic) and to Grant- who stood very close to her for much of the show.

-The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge- opened to good audiences and good reviews in Tacoma. Financially, TAG's proverbial bacon was saved- and the powers that be learned lessons in regards to- “Yes, Virginia, you really do need to have a full time person working in the costume shop so that guest designers do not have mental breakdowns.”
Lessons learned:
# 1- Problem children actors are still problem children actors a year later.
# 2- When it's blizzard conditions during tech and it's a 40 mile drive one way- it is always best to ride with a friend. (Thanks Scott and Pam!)
# 3- It's not as far as we think to a mental meltdown during the holidays. Thanks to God for grace and to Stephanie for saving my tush by doing all the last minute costume notes because I couldn't get to Tacoma.

-Four touring shows opened and were highly successful.
Lesson learned:
#1- Christmas touring shows are much easier than school touring. Merry Christmas to me.

-The Creche Collector- our play at church was awesome!
Lessons learned:
# 1- there really is nothing worse than a bad church play. Thank you, Lord, that this wasn't a bad church play. Thank you, Jeff, for holding the bar so high.
# 2- This is the second time I've been cast as a mean old lady....hmmmm....
# 3- I am very grateful for all the friends, memories, laughter and good times we've had.
# 4- I am also very thankful for all the people at church who are surprised that I played "Aunt Pookie" because I am "too pretty" in real life.
# 5- Playing mean old ladies is REALLY, REALLY fun.

Other lessons learned during the holidays:

#1- I have a great husband.
#2- Don't assume that when you see 7 of something in a store that you want to buy your great husband in November that it will be there when you go back in December- even if the same 7 items have been sitting on the shelf for the past year.
#3- Amazon is my friend. They always have the item, and can get it to you the week before Christmas- which makes aforementioned great husband happy.
#4- Not all fonts will willingly load to computers and print for a Christmas letter- plan accordingly.
#5- Buy Christmas wrapping and cards the year before. Less spendy.
#6- Cake and cookie mixes and canned frosting make people just as happy as making things from scratch. If it comes from an oven instead of a store, people think you are Martha Stewart.
#7- Seattle's monorail NEVER works.
#8- Enjoying downtown Christmas shopping in Seattle would be less stressful in early December instead of a few days before Christmas.
#9- Sometimes white elephant gifts are really a hoot. (see the Jesus/Mary clock on my husband's blog)
#10- Jesus is really the reason for the season.

Other things that have happened in the past couple of months:
#1- My parents moved from Illinois to Iowa. They are the "babies" in a senior citizen condo complex.
#2- The cats got sick. Max because, well, we don't know- but he's better and Mickey got sick for eating everything not nailed down that we were trying to get Max to eat. Little glutton.
#3- A visit to the Dead Sea Scrolls. It’s amazing how much the passages of these are so close to the ones in the Bible. Very cool stuff.
#4- A joyous Christmas spent with members of our new church family. Affectionately referred to as “The Festival of Gluttony.” A turkey dinner, snacks and a 5 course prime rib dinner were among the highlights.

….And a partridge in a pear tree……. So now I head into a more quiet couple of months. The first two shows of the season are small and easy. We are remounting one of last years touring shows- things won’t start getting crazy until March. Marty and I are hoping to go to Hawaii in February to visit his friend Karen and her family before they move this summer. It’ll be a nice way to celebrate birthdays and our first anniversary. This first year has FLOWN by- it’s still great being married! Well- that’s all for now- I wish you and yours a very blessed and happy New Year!

All apparition parts present and accounted for...

2006-10-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Found him- that pesky ghost of Christmas Future- of course, the box was in a very obvious spot with all the touring clothes- where else would it be? With the rest of the Scrooge costumes? Nonsense! That would actually be practical. OY. I am just thankful Future has all his parts now. It's quite the ordeal- he is about 7'6" tall with all his parts, and I don't really want to have to rebuild him. If you'll excuse me, I need to go do the happy dance.

I have lost the head of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come....

2006-10-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

Seriously. And what a heckuva thing to lose. I've lost his mind, and his hands, and his shoulders. I know they are SOMEWHERE- but heck if I know where. This is a dilemma. I am up to my eyeballs in Christmas shows- I really need those body parts to reappear. They are in a box tucked away in an obvious spot, I am sure. Sigh. I pray that they appear in a timely manner.

Meanwhile, I've been playing Christmas music to try and get pumped up to get these shows done, it's a little funky listening to "It's a Marshmallow World" before Halloween. But we do what we have to do. So far, all shows seem to be going well (THANK YOU, JESUS!) with the exception of the stray apparition parts.

We are also getting ready for Halloween. We're participating in the Trunk or Treat at church- we're doing a pirate theme- and we're doing it RIGHT! I am quite excited, the treasure chest appeared today- the wigs are done, costumes pulled, pumpkins (to be dressed as pirates) purchased. I am looking forward to it.

And that's life. Christmas in October. Glory.

Christmas time is here....

2006-09-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

Well, we survived Arms and the Man. And after miles and miles of trim, the soldiers look Bulgarian and don't look like they are fighting the war of Northern Aggression. The show actually looks pretty darn good. And that, as Martha says, is a "good thing." I'd hate to have gone through all that drama and have it all look like crap. So the show is up and running and life goes on.

And how does life go on? Why, it's Christmas time again. Yep, not quite October and it's time to break out the Christmas music to "get in the mood." We had poster shoots for It's a Wonderful Life Radio Play this week and next week, the show loads into the shop. Costumes are designed, patterns are ordered- stitchers are scheduled. Ta da. I went shopping last week and found some fabu vintage ties in red and green, of course. I think this show will be quite fun- and a great deal less complicated than the last show. But that's probably good because there are FOUR touring shows that need to be put together at the same time. We're also remounting The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge in Tacoma and just found out the lady who wears the most costumes dropped out. Not a problem except the director wants to cast someone half her size. Well, that just means a raise for me and that I will be "in tech" for about a month. Que sera, sera. I just love Doris Day.

I had visions of homemade Christmas gifts this year- but between all the shenanigans at work and the Christmas play at church- I am not sure that will happen. In the meantime, today is my day OFF and I really don't know what to do with myself. There are many projects that need doing, but somehow, I want to be a bum. Until next time...ttfn.

The uniform saga continues....

2006-09-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

...Seriously. Will it EVER end? Today- I am madly sewing trim so those Bulgarian, Russian and Serbian officers don't look like they are fighting the war of Northern Aggression. Yep- we're making General Grant and General Lee look like they're from central Europe. I thought this nasty chapter of my life was over...but, alas, it is not. At this point- I don't even want to see the show- how is THAT for a terrible attitude? Bad Sarah. I am trying- but I am running on the pure grace of God at this point. Hopefully- I will have something other than uniforms consuming my life soon. TTFN

Victory over Bulgarian Officer Uniforms!!

2006-09-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Granted, this is not an issue most people face in their lives. But over the past couple months, I have been on a quest for Victorian era Bulgarian officers uniforms. Seriously. We need them for our production of Arms and the Man which dresses, oh, on Friday. As of last Thursday- still no uniforms. I was going crazy. Finding these stupid uniforms had pretty much taken over my life.

Back in beginning of August, I thought about trying to have them built. It would be great to have some in stock. That didn't work out since most uniform companies are madly building band uniforms this time of year. So we decided- renting it is. Ok- so I contact the 3 biggest rental houses in the US- one in New York City (which I used to frequent when I was in Philly) and 2 in LA- no luck. The people in other theatres in town SWEAR they got their uniforms from LA when they did Arms and the Man. And that may very well be, but the other challenge we are facing is that one of the actors we are trying to find a uniform for is 6'6" and another is 6'3"- for anyone who has ever rented or borrowed, they know that most uniforms are TINY. So this has been another...ahem... challenge(pain in my tush). And since I am not designing this show, there has also been a lot of confusing third party communication with our very busy guest designer. And to top it all off...at work, our server crashed so I did not have access to any of the responses to the 20+ inquiries I sent out as of last week. Needless to say, I had the entire company praying like crazy- and I prayed, but quite frankly, I was too busy trying to find those DANG UNIFORMS!

Thankfully- on Thursday afternoon and into Friday morning- I began working with a wonderful group of people at a rental house in New York called "The Costumer." These ladies, Anne and Erika- have been a delight to work with. And while the uniforms are not the uniforms of our dreams, they are in the ballpark and they FIT and with a little strategic trim- they will be the uniforms of our dreams. AND (God is good- ALL the time) they turned out to cost much less than originally quoted- which means we won't go over budget! Huzzah! Suffice it to say- I've spent the majority of time over the past 2 weeks working on this project and if I never see another uniform, I'll be a happy girl. But that is a very unrealistic expectation in my line of work. I am just happy we found them, in fact, I feel like a 50lb. weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have actually slept through the night the past few days.

I wish I could say I was calm and full of peace and grace during this process, but I think I pretty much flunked that. I am thankful for my husband, who was surprisingly patient and supportive and extremely thankful for God- who didn't love me any less during that time than He does when I am calm and full of peace and grace. I find that concept mind boggling and extremely comforting. I really tried to be full of calm and peace and joy- blah, blah, blah. But- sadly, the flesh won out in that battle. I have repented and moved on- but oh, how I hate it when I behave badly- especially when non-believers are involved. Oh well.

In other news- we auditioned for the Christmas play at Northwest yesterday. I actually had a great time. Poor Marty was very nervous- but I thought he did great- and I say that with my "director brain" vs. my "wife heart." There was a scene he did with another lady- a difficult scene- and there was so much beautiful subtlety in it- I was really impressed. Amazingly enough, the role I had the most fun with was "Aunt Pookie" who really is a mean old biddy- and I was the youngest to read for her. But she's a hoot to play. "I guess I should be ashamed that I didn't love him. But I'm not." She really is a mean old biddy.

I am intrigued to see what happens. The group of folks who auditioned look like a fun group to get involved with- they are big fun. And I am DELIGHTED to not be the one in charge, after directing Christmas plays for 5 years running (in addition to acting, designing and building sets and costumes and lights- egad) and then having to block the variety shows (snooze) for 3 more years after that. Running a drama ministry is exhausting and draining. Right now, I am just happy to be part of the team and leave the running, directing and managing to someone else.

So that's all the news here. Life feels pretty good today. Mostly because we have victory over those dang uniforms. Funny what makes you lose your peace, isn't it?

Touching base....

2006-08-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

For the whole 2 people that read my blog... yes, I am still here. It is August and we in the Taproot Costume Shop are up to our eyeballs. This week we are still working on Arms and the Man (rehearsals start tonight) I have fittings for the new Road Company shows and the summer camps are doing the musical Jane Eyre. And that is just this week. But this too, shall pass. By December, I'll be sitting around eating bon-bons. Ha.

Over the weekend Marty and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It seems like no time and all the time in the world and I don't understand how that works. Marty made me a great video that made me cry...you can check it out on his blog- it's posted there. We ate a high priced steak dinner (excellent) and went book shopping. All in all, a very good night. I really appreciate my husband- he's a really great guy. He's going through some hard stuff spiritually right now, and I am plumb wore out praying for him until the wee hours for the past month or so, but he's worth it! I love him so very much. He's a trooper. His loyalty and faithfulness to anything (people, art, work) he puts his hand, heart and soul to never ceases to amaze me.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. I have lots of thoughts rolling about in my head spiritually. I finally finished "What's so Amazing about Grace?" by Philip Yancey- and it's a darn good read. The final chapters had some very interesting things to say about the church and politics- very thought provoking and truthful...and balanced. I had a bit of a "glimmer" of revelation of where and why "the church" has gone wonky. I started his book, "The Jesus I never knew" this morning and I am looking forward to another good tushy-kicker.

I've been very challenged as of late to really start taking care of people. I am not sure how this will manifest- but I want to look past myself and my own and start taking care of those who need help. I don't know what opportunities will present themselves, but I am watchful. I have been pondering "adopting" some AIDS orphans in Africa, $25 a month to keep someone alive and schooled doesn't seem like much...so now, it's a matter of how many? I just don't know- but I feel very challenged to get down off my soapbox and start living as a christian should. I still have my "issues" with the church, but I am tired of thinking, analyzing and re-hashing all of it. I'd rather be the one who changes people's minds about Christ and christians than one who just gripes about the church all the time. I am sick of listening to myself. I just want to be the person Jesus died for- the person He wants me to be. I have no idea how to do that- I feel pretty far over my head- but I am going to try. And make mistakes. And try again. And try again. And trust that His mercies are new everyday- because I think I am going to need it even more than I already do now.

The Insanity ensues...

2006-08-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it suddenly occurred to me that I haven't blogged in awhile- and it's because the August-November/December insanity at Camp Taproot is in full swing. It's amazing- but I bet I do about 70% of my job in this time frame. Currently, we're working on building costumes for Arms and the Man- set in 1870's Bulgaria. Let me tell you- ordering clothing from Bulgaria is not as easy as it sounds. Nope- not a bit. I must confess I am enjoying working with our guest designer, Carisa- she's one of the first people who befriended me when I moved to Seattle and we just have a grand time being girls together. It makes the process that much more enjoyable. We had a grand time shopping for fabric in Portland in spite of spending about 9 hours in the car during that day.

I am also getting 2 new Road Company shows together that need to be done by the first week of September- always exciting- the Road Company shows. Next year, we're hiring someone to do the Road Company so that I can devote myself to designing and building the Importance of Being Earnest. Big Fun. We are also extending the run of Smoke on The Mountain (check out Marty's blog for details) so that's usually got some work involved on a daily basis. Suffice it to say, I am certainly not bored. Smoke has been getting great audiences- who sing through most of Act II and great reviews. My personal favorite review comes from the Seattle Gay News- and I think it's brilliant that it comes from the Seattle Gay News- they actually reviewed the play instead of doing a plot summary (do those kind of reviews drive anyone else up a wall?)

As if that weren't enough to do, we start pre-production for Christmas next week. Yep. Christmas. At Taproot this year- we are doing "It's a Wonderful Life Radio Play" starring (yep- get ready for it) GRANT GOODEVE as George Bailey. Admit it, you watched him on Eight is Enough and Fantasy Island. We're all pretty excited about it. Usually, we can't afford him- don't know what changed about that- but he's in the Christmas show. Hard to believe I'll have the delight of taking his inseam measurement. Wahoo. Seriously though, I have worked with enough "names" to know they're just normal folk- some are very nice, and some aren't. I hear Grant falls in the former category. Now I am just 2 degrees separated from BIBLE MAN. Rock on!

We are also remounting The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge at TAG in Tacoma this year- should be fun- hopefully not too much work (we have mostly the same cast) and the extra paycheck at Christmas will be welcome. We also have 3 touring shows that need to be ready to go by the first week of December. If you see a quivering heap in the corner of Taproot's Costume shop around Thanksgiving, no worries, it's just me. Actually- I am sure it'll all be fine- just have to take it a day at a time and flow the best you can. Still, it's a lot of plates spinning and "real life" continues as well.

We're not sure what we're doing for the holidays- might go to Florida if we can swing it- time to start the "family holiday juggle" that accompanies marriage. Thankfully- we have very understanding parents- so hopefully, it'll all work out.
So that's about it for us-for me, if you don't hear me blog for awhile- now you know why, my husband is pretty good about blogging the highlights of our lives- so check him out. He's pretty darn funny too. We'll be married 6 months on the 19th- feels like forever and it feels like yesterday- still love him big bunches.

The church I am looking for....

2006-07-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

So my husband did this HUUUUGEEEE blog about the kind of church he's looking for. It's pretty interesting and I am in agreement with him- but that got me thinking- what am I looking for in a church? So here goes (this is an ever changing process so bear with me....)

1. A Church where Christ is Lord. Everything points to Him always and amen.

2. A place where culture doesn't have equal footing with Christ- seriously. Been there- done that- it's idolatry. I think this push towards "relevance" can cloud issues- not that it's not important to meet people where they are- it is- but Jesus did that. It is the Holy Spirit who touches people's hearts- not how trendy we dress or how cool our music is.

3. Cool music, I know, I know- I am contradicting myself. But I love to worship. I love worship teams who worship instead of singing songs. I think if people were more concerned with meeting God and ushering in His presence than with the mix in the monitor...well, interesting things would happen.

4. A place of outreach- concerned with more than us four. Seriously- a place where people are welcome no matter what. I, for one, am thankful Jesus didn't expect me to get all shiny and happy before He let me accept Him- or before I was accepted. I am seeking a place that looks to the community and the world- not to bang them over the head with a Bible or condemn them- but to take care of them. I find it fascinating that the Seattle region seems to have a consistent heart for Africa- it's pretty amazing. I want to see missions- local and international.

5. A House of Prayer. If this is a top priority.... Wow. God shows up. 'Nuff said.

6. A place that is genuine. I won't get on my soapbox of "shiny happy christians"- but I want to be somewhere where it's ok to struggle and be in process and for other people to know it's ok too- a place of extreme grace.

7. A place of friends- to be genuine and seek God with- and to laugh a lot.

Well, that's the short list. It's out there somewhere. We'll find it. I gotta go- I am late for church.
God Bless.